Should I consider quitting my job to become a trophy wife?

[peonylover]

i am having a xmas wedding... and my fiancee just dropped a bombshell. he wants me to give up my job and be a companion to his parents. In return, I will have unlimited access to a "generous monthly allowance"

Some background on me - I work in the advertising industry, but my real passion is finishing my novel, which I am trying to do for the past 6 years. So, in an ideal world, i would be jumping up and down in joy on hearing this proposal.. but I am not. Not loudly, anyway... I just am not very comfortable about this whole proposal....

Fiancee has aged (but mobile) parents who live with him (in his house, which he bought after years of working as a banker) and he wants me to stay at home and make sure they are not lonely. He is very frank about this. I am also sure he has said this because I have been lamenting forever about quitting my job and becoming a full time writer. A Win-win situation, in his own words.

If you have access to a nice income every month WITHOUT WORKING FOR IT, will you take it and give up your currently satisfying job to become a trophy wife?

frontpaw with all due respect I think a lot of the posters who post in the aibu are angry middle aged men with no children, so i don't think that's a fair question I think women like to talk to other women whether they have children or not :)

owllady, there is already a housecleaner who comes in every day and also a gardener who comes every week. the new house belongs to my fiance, his parents lived in india but he has brought them to London because they don't have many close relatives in their mother country. he wants to live as one big family. i am not big on travel and he travels a lot, so i think it is his way of making sure that neither me nor his parents are lonely.

i do understand about old people deteriorating, but i have no medical skills, is it even legal to employ an unskilled person to look after sick people? personally, i believe that my fiance will never think of scrimping on medical care for his parents...

You can be sure that after a while, the housekeeper will be let go, and possibly the gardener too. That often happens in Indian families when the daughter-in-law moves in.

Don't kid yourself - you will be a full-time carer before you know it. That will involve doing all the cookinmg and cleaning as well.

I'd run a mile if I was you.

Whatever you do, do NOT give up your job.

It is NOT 'free money'. It will come at a heavy price.

The only sensible part of your last post is that you have stated you will not quit your job (yet till he states that you are not coping at all well with the demands of a full time job and caring for his parents so the job will have to go).

I think you need to properly find out how English law works with regards to pre-nuptual agreements particularly as you are not British born. Pre-nups dop not have much sway in English courts. You certainly need proper legal advice before signing such an agreement which could actually longer term work heavily in his favour in a court of law.

As for this comment of yours:-
"think i will eventually say yes to my fiance's request that i will make dinners for his parents. im not a CEO or the prime minster, i think i can afford to spend an hour every day for the elderly parents of my husband. And find the time to have a chat with them now and then.

It will become far more than one hour a day, what makes you think you could just do an hour a day?. Wise up lady!!!. Where's your common sense here?.

And this:-
"And how will I "end" up becoming their full time carer - It's not like I am going to fall into a pool! If it comes to that, I will say no".

You won;t have to fall into a pool because you will instead drown under the weight of caring for these people alone most of the time. It will become far more than one hour a day, what makes you think you could just do an hour a day?. It will become your full time job and your dream of writing that book will go unfulfilled. Wise up lady!!!. Where's your common sense here?.

Oh Owl, I'm just playing along while dinner is cooking...

I'm a real girl btw with boobies and everything...

Boom! My first boobies biscuit and there a two!

I do understand the cultural implications of extending families and care but I would make sure I was married first if I was you and I imagine if his parents are so traditional they would want you to be married also. This may be on the cards though I presume, but don't give up your life and job for something you might regret. It's an occupation caring for someone, you wont just be changing the water in the vases and having lovely chats all day even if you do have care in if they deteriorate. It's bloody hard work and you shouldn't underestimate it. Are they here now?

frontpaw :o it's witching hour here too

if he gave you a monthly allowance to get a tan wear a white bikini and laugh at his shit jokes - it would make sense

but agreeing to stay at home to literally take his parents to the toilet and literally wipe their arses in 5 years time - is not a trophy

where is the trophy in your scenario

oh, and the troll comments from other poster - either report it or fuck off - seriously pack it in

"there is already a housecleaner who comes in every day and also a gardener who comes every week"

They will likely be in time be quietly let go of. The housekeeper will go first swiftly followed by the gardener.

As I have previously mentioned you have no medical training, how will you be expected to care for these people longer term (possibly without outside support) because what your fiance is proposing is a long term thing here. This whole arrangement is skewed heavily in his favour and it stinks.

You have already worked since you were 13; a life of caring for his parents will not be a easy life for you by any means as you will still be working and for no pay but some "allowance". You are worth more than this really you are.

Well, it's not completely unbelievable. Do you plan to have children?

No way!

Arf at the idea it is illegal for unqualified people to act as carers. Seriously op.

I know someone who went into a similar-ish set up, she kept her job but was expected to do her 'duty'. And put up with 'she's a nice girl...' then something in a language she didn't understand, which turned out to be 'for a white girl'. Her husband ran off with another woman (a relative who his mother approved of).

If he has enough staff in place, why would he ask his new wife to do this?

if there isn´t a carer atm, why would OP need to do it?

He can't bonk the housecleaner or gardener can he?

I suspect if you don't agree you will be ditched for someone who does OP

Who says romance is dead?

Peony, we're not talking about medical care here, we're talking about social care, the vast majority of which is done by 'untrained' family members, friends and neighbours in this country (and in most other countries for that matter).

I'm a GP, so I see several exhausted women a week trying to juggle ageing relatives with young children and/or work commitments (try to think of your novel as a work commitment in this scenario, or it'll never get written). I've also been in the position of carer myself.

It starts off exactly as you say, you like his parents, believe in family values and see nothing wrong in an hour here and there as part of your week, then something happens, a fall, an illness, and their needs increase and you think, 'oh they'll get better soon' so you spend mor time and do more for them, except they never quite get back to the level they were at before, but by that time they're used to you doing the extra, then there's another crisis, and so it goes. It happens in increments, so no-one ever intends you to have to do more long term, but once you're doing it, they'll likely be upset and offended if you say you can't or won't do it any more.

Elderly people's brains can't cope with change very well, so they can become very stubborn about who they'll accept as a carer. If you're already doing things for them and they have cultural expectations of family providing care, they'll say 'I don't want some stranger in my home, bathing me and dressing me, why can't Peony do it? I know her and like her, and she's family after all...' your husband will view this as something he's paying you for, on top of his own cultural norms and so if you put your foot down he'll likely feel let down at best...

The question is not why do we all think that this will be the case, but why do you think your situation will be different?

Op I apologise if you found my post offensive. But someone isn't bring honest.
Your dp is so worried about his parent, that are fit and healthy that he moves them across the planet. Even though hr is rarely at home. The father loves you out, but mother doesn't so he wants company for her. Instead of helping her get to know the local Indian community, he suggests his new wife stay home and keep her company.
You have said they are fit and healthy, then they are not. You have said you can say no, but don't want to start marriage like that.
something doesn't add up. If its so great, what's stopping you.
You don't have to have an qualifications to nurse elderly people, especially those you are related to.
Its not part of the nduan culture to pay someone to look after elderly relatives, it is done by the family. Usually a dil.

Custardo I didn't say she was a troll. I said she is possibly talking shit. Because the Op doesn't make sense, facts area nit adding up. I think she thinks this is the offer of a lifetime, but her dp is hiding alot and she is falling for it.
How is my post any different to the first few?

I hope you aren't offended by what I say either. I am Chinese and there are expectations on family to look after the elderly. Another issue which hasn't been brought up is who is going to be the mistress of the house? In Chinese, it would be the mum in law. It will be living back at home for you, except the head will not be your own mother. They will criticise they way you do the dishes, how often you dust and vacuum. They will criticise the amount of money you spend on clothes and looking after yourselves. The choices you make regarding your child. The cycle traditionally goes on until you rid of your mil from old age, and you become a mil yourself. There will be huge pressure to produce a male heir, and disapprovals on girls you bear.

If you truly love him, do marry him. But always leave a plan b for yourself. Actually plan b I would recommend every married woman should have. There are far too many unhappy marriages.

My advice would be please don't give up your job. It's important that you keep a life for yourself outside of your husband's family. Do you have many friends in the area you will live in? I believe that if you stop working and only have your in-laws for company you will soon feel very isolated.

Most carers in this country are unqualified or have very basic training unless they are relatives. It's incredibly difficult to take on the care of an elderly person let alone a couple. Older people often sleep badly, need regular hospital visits, can't be left alone if unwell and if physical or mental health declines frequently become incontinent. My mother is a carer and she is constantly exhausted and very, very stressed.

Believe me when I say that you have a much better chance of writing your novel while working full time than if you become a carer to your in-laws. You would be an absolute fool to go ahead with this plan but good luck with whatever you decide to do, peony.

Sorry that was incredibly clear. Talking shit does not equal a troll.
She us convincing herself its a sweet deal when she knows its isn't. Why would she ask for advice otherwise? Doesn't fully understand the culture she is marrying into and what her expected role will be.
Also custardo follow your own advice. Report it or fuck off.

Are you sure that you want to live with your in-laws rather than in your own home? You and your DF can live very near but I think you are risking a miserable life to even consider moving into the same house.