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Original poster

So upset I want to sob my heart out

133 replies

NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 15:20

Bit of background: when I met my DP I thought I didn't want any children but changed my mind. He's had a vasectomy and won't have it reversed so, after much heartache and wondering whether to leave him, I've now resigned myself to being childless forever. It's bloody hard, very hard - but slowly I'm getting there and learning to appreciate other things in life instead

My DP has just phoned me - at work - to say his best mate has rung him and asked him to be godfather to his 8 month old son and that he's seriously thinking about saying yes but "wondered how I would take it". I'm devastated, don't know why on earth it's got to me so much but I'm sitting here at my desk and I just want to curl up and cry. I've already had one person ask what's wrong but no-one apart from DP knows I've changed my mind about wanting a child so I can't tell anyone

He could at the very least have waited till he could speak to me face to face. So Sad and really Angry with DP

Perhaps I'm over-reacting but he can be so bloody insensitive sometimes Sad

OP posts:
starlover · 14/03/2006 15:23

oh poor you :(
but you know what... at least he thought of you and how you would take it... some men wouldn't even have done that.

it's a small blessing i know...

nailpolish · 14/03/2006 15:25

he defintely wont have it reversed?

madmarchhare · 14/03/2006 15:25

How long have you been with him?

desperateSCOUSEwife · 14/03/2006 15:31

naam so Sad
hugs
xxx
doormat

dinosaur · 14/03/2006 15:34

To be blunt, I think it would be very out of order of him to say yes to the request, knowing how you feel about not having children.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 15:35

Thank you all for replying so quickly

No he definitely won't have it reversed - we've been through it time and again and I have now accepted it. We've been together nearly 2 years. Suppose a lot of men wouldn't have thought of how I'd take it - didn't think of that

Just can't believe he's thinking about doing this. It's not as if he's a really good friend -he hardly ever sees him

OP posts:
nailpolish · 14/03/2006 15:37
Sad

if he knows you are upset he will say no. unless you would like to be involved too?

Uwila · 14/03/2006 15:39

I'm sorry, NOTACTUALLYAMUM. Have you really accepted never having kids. I'm sorry if this is rude, but you sound like you are still struggling with it.

I know I couldn't accept it. I made it very clear to DH when we met that I wanted children and it wasn't negotiable. I could never be happy in your shoes. Very sorry for you. Sad

starlover · 14/03/2006 15:40

well you know what, if he isn't a really good friend he shouldn't be doing it anyway... a godparents role is to look after child and help bring them up to know god... does he have any intention of doing that?

that aside I agree with Uwila... you do sound like you're still struggling with it

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 15:43

Thanks again folks xx

I'm glad it's not just me who thinks he's out of order wanting to do this

nailpolish, no I wouldn't want to be involved. Have never thought before about what I'd do if this ever cropped up but I really don't think I could face it

Uwila no I don't think you're being rude at all. Yes I am still struggling a bit but it is getting better - slowly but surely. This has knocked me back big time though. And it doesn't help that Mothers Day is coming up....

He actually said on the phone "trouble is what do I say if I tell him I don't want to do it" and I just wanted to scream "bollocks to him - what about me?!!"

OP posts:
madmarchhare · 14/03/2006 15:45

I dont think the issue here is wether or not he ought to be a godparent or not, is it?

Can you picture yourself without your DP, for the sake of having a child? What would he say if you told him that you may have to think this option through?

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 15:45

Starlover I didn't even think of that - we are about as un-religious as you can get! Perhaps I should point that out to him

OP posts:
nailpolish · 14/03/2006 15:47

well in that case naam, you have to be straight and tell him its not on

you cant let this linger, if it has knocked you back at this stage, if it drags on and (obv) you will feel worse

he must tell his friend something simple like "i dont think i could fulfill a godparents duties, sorry but the answer is no"

no point in pussyfooting around, your feelings are more important now and forever

i wish you luck, look forward,

np xxx

nailpolish · 14/03/2006 15:48

yes good point SL

starlover · 14/03/2006 15:49

"
He actually said on the phone "trouble is what do I say if I tell him I don't want to do it""

ffs! you are giving up having a child for HIM... and yet he can't do this for you??????

satine · 14/03/2006 15:50

I'm afraid I'm going to agree with Uwila and say that it doesn't sound as though you have completely resigned yourself to never having children. And no wonder - it must be an incredibly hard thing to do. I know it's not why you started this thread and it's very rude and possibly insensitive of me to ask - but are you sure that you will be happy without children? It sounds as though this godparent question has really knocked you sideways, but there will always be situations like this that crop up. But please don't think I'm being uncaring - I really feel for you, it must be terribly hard and I wish you lots of love.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 15:55

madmarchhare I did tell him when I first changed my mind that I was seriously considering leaving him. He was gutted, upset etc. but he was also honest and said he didn't want any more children. Suppose it's not his fault I changed my mind

Just think he's so bloody insensitive

Very good point there starlover - saying no to his friend is nothing is it?

nailpolish's answer is very good - I'll suggest that to him. It is true after all

OP posts:
Uwila · 14/03/2006 15:58

Eh? "More children"? Does this mean he has children from a previous relationship?

Mind if I ask your age?

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 15:58

satine I do think I can, and will, get used to the idea. It's been a good few months since I started thinking about it and it has been getting easier as time goes on but, yes, I guess things like this will crop up from time to time

OP posts:
Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 16:00

uwila yes he has a 13 year old daughter. That's why I come on here - I'm usually on the step-parenting section

I'm 34, he's 39

OP posts:
dinosaur · 14/03/2006 16:02

Well, I think you're very brave. I love my DH and we'd been together for years before we had children, but if he hadn't at least been prepared to try for kids, that would have been the end of it for me. I wish you all the very best of luck.

tarantula · 14/03/2006 16:04

Oh NAAM so sorry to hear this. I do think your dp was very insensitive to tell you over the phone esp as he seems to be aware that it would upset you. Its not been the best week for any of us. I know that not having children has been a very difficult decision for you to make. I hoep it is the right one. Take things easy in the office this afternoon.

Have to agree tho that if he doesnt knwo hte guy well then he should take on the role of Godfather cos it is an important role.

tarantula · 14/03/2006 16:06

SHOULDNT not should [doh]

meggmoo · 14/03/2006 16:08

NAAM. Very :( for you, your op is heart breaking.
Do you think if he accepts the role of god father that he may soften a bit and decide on kids after all?

motherinferior · 14/03/2006 16:13

Oh, NAAM, I feel for you; I have at least one friend who was in your position (her DP had not had a vasectomy, though, and she did become pregnant through genuine accident Grin); and I've had several previous partners who didn't want children (with me(.

I agree with Dinosaur. Tell him - however unreasonable you feel - that he HAS to refuse, and frankly it's his bloody problem how he does that.