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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So upset I want to sob my heart out

133 replies

NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 15:20

Bit of background: when I met my DP I thought I didn't want any children but changed my mind. He's had a vasectomy and won't have it reversed so, after much heartache and wondering whether to leave him, I've now resigned myself to being childless forever. It's bloody hard, very hard - but slowly I'm getting there and learning to appreciate other things in life instead

My DP has just phoned me - at work - to say his best mate has rung him and asked him to be godfather to his 8 month old son and that he's seriously thinking about saying yes but "wondered how I would take it". I'm devastated, don't know why on earth it's got to me so much but I'm sitting here at my desk and I just want to curl up and cry. I've already had one person ask what's wrong but no-one apart from DP knows I've changed my mind about wanting a child so I can't tell anyone

He could at the very least have waited till he could speak to me face to face. So Sad and really Angry with DP

Perhaps I'm over-reacting but he can be so bloody insensitive sometimes Sad

OP posts:
Wordsmith · 14/03/2006 21:48

Alexsmum is right, don't let him think his momentary thoughtlessness about the godparent thing is what's really bothering you.

He's begining to sound abit of a wuss re the pain thing! Childbirth stings a bit too you know. I'm sure that if that's the real reason he could be knocked out for whatever the procedure is.

Just to reiterate, I still thnk he has a right to say no etc etc, but you must satisfy yourself why.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 21:52

Yes you're right

I really am SO GRATEFUL to everyone for replying on this, I didn't know what to do - I was just so bloody upset. But my first thought was "I NEED MUMSNET"

Don't know what I'd do without this site

Thanks again everyone Smile

OP posts:
Wordsmith · 14/03/2006 22:04

Good luck anyway. Hope it works out.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 22:10

Thank you wordsmith, and thanks for your kind words Smile

No pun intended Grin

OP posts:
BudaBabe · 14/03/2006 22:23

NAAM - obviously (as was pointed out) we are all pretty much biased towards parent-hood here. I think the suggestion of finding websites about couples who have decided not to have children is a good one.

FWIW a few years ago I knew an older couple who were successful in every way. Fab lifestyle etc. He had two children by a previous marriage and didn't want any more. She abided by that decision and when I knew them one would assume that they had it all. Until one of his daughters had a baby. It blew it all wide open and she realised that she had never really accepted it and she did a lot of grieving for her missed opportunity to be a Mum. She was very sad and bitter all at the same time. But by then it was far too late for her.

May be worth thinking about.

PS I married a man who wasn't keen on having children and because of various issues we had to have IVF. But although he wasn't keen (and we had many a "discussion" etc on the subject - I even left at one point - he did it becasue I pointed out that I would resent him totally if we didn't at least try. He is now a fab Dad.

WideWebWitch · 14/03/2006 22:55

I don't think he has a duty to father a child if he doesn't want to but I do think if NAAM really wants children she has 2 choices: persuade this man to change his mind pronto or find someone else to father her child/ren. So it all depends how important it is to you NAAM. At 34 you have some time but not oodles of it.

Btw I think that Venus and Mars book is a pile of shite, it basically says if you're calm and leave men to brood they'll talk to you eventually but whatever you do, don't nag. Can't do it myself :) Oh well NAAM, good luck, whatver you decide. You could try imagining 'living in the result' of either choice - i.e. thinking about how you'd feel a few years down the line in either decision - it might help you decide. But I guess either, once done, is irreversible. It's a tough one for sure.

tamum · 14/03/2006 23:11

NAAM, you sound so lovely, and I'm so sorry you have been so upset. I would be too. I think you've got fantastic advice here, but I just wanted to add one thing, that of course vasectomies can't always be reversed, so even if he did change his mind it's not the end of the story, necessarily. I had a friend in a similar position, and her partner did eventually agree to have a reversal but it never worked, and she didn't get pregnant. She really, deeply resented his children by his first marriage because of it, but they did stay together, at least in part because he had done what he could. It's such a minefield, isn't it :(

tribpot · 15/03/2006 06:31

Being unable to sleep, this thought suddenly occurred to me this morning. You said "We wouldn't be able to do a quarter of the things we do if we had a child" - but he does have a child. And still does those things. So what's all that about?

Anyway, glad your dp is not my BIL at least - we have this mad situation where we all see my dniece but he's not allowed to, no-one seems to know why.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 15/03/2006 08:39

I won't bother with that book then www Grin tbh I don't do reading anyway

tatum thank you - I do realise it may not work, but at least if he tried - or even said he'd be prepared to try - it would make such a difference

tribpot his dd lives with her mum. We have her to stay a lot but we do get time to ourselves too. We often go to football matches (I love football) and go out for a meal/drink and sometimes manage a weekend away. If we had a child we wouldn't be able to do most of those things

I do feel better today, we had a chat last night when he got home from work. I don't think he realises though how insensitive he was about being godfather to his friend - and he expects me to just be able to forget he said it. But I suppose that's men for you!

OP posts:
Uwila · 15/03/2006 09:00

Did you raise the issue of your own desire for children again? Does he know it hasn't really gone away, but rather been repressed for a while?

alexsmum · 15/03/2006 09:11

nam- you know dh and i go for meals and we sometimes have a weekend away together and do all sorts of things that 'normal'people do-despite the two children!!!

Uwila · 15/03/2006 09:17

Oh yes, we do that stuff too. Just find a good babysitter. In not too long, that step daughter will be old enough to babysit. Grin

And, lots of us mums work full time and have very little left over after paying for childcare. Kids are lots of work and very expensive. I don't think anyone thinks they aren't. But, I don't consider that a reason not to have them.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 15/03/2006 09:26

Yes I think he knows it hasn't gone away. I think he knew anyway though before yesterday, I do mention it from time to time

I do realise we'd still be able to do some of the things we do now, just not as often and it would take more planning I suppose. We wouldn't be short of babysitters - my eldest nieces are 17 and 16

OP posts:
Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 15/03/2006 09:27

And I should add that we really, honestly can't afford it atm. Yes I know if you wait till you can afford it you'd never do anything, but DPs wages - even if he did lots of overtime - would nowhere near cover all our outgoings

OP posts:
Uwila · 15/03/2006 09:29

Well, it is true to say that life will change. You will have to make sacrifices. Is this you or him talking?

milward · 15/03/2006 09:32

Sit him down tell him that you want a child - & that its make or break time. Was thinking of you this morning.

alexsmum · 15/03/2006 09:33

the thing is nam-on this website, all you are going to get is people like us who have children, telling you how fab it is and that you should have them.Now if you want us to persuade you that the choices you are making in life are wrong then fine.Otherwise,i'm not sure that what we are saying is going to do you much good other than make you feel worse.

Uwila · 15/03/2006 09:35

We don't have a mortgage because we have children. We spend a fortune in childcare. I am currently obsessed with the news of whether DD wil get into the nursery which is attached to the primary I want her to go to (should arrive any day now). I was late for work today because I had to tend to a 9 1/2 month old with a fever at 6:00am. Life is busy. Hobbies? What are those? Oh yes, I remember when I used to have some -- and could afford them.

Absolutely, children come with sacrifices. But I couldn't and wouldn't ever accept life without them. They are so worth every effort they require.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 15/03/2006 10:01

uwila to a certain extent when I talk about the big lifestyle change it's both of us talking. I've only started living properly since I met DP after spending 14 years with a complete knob-head who wouldn't let me go out/eat what I wanted etc. etc. and I really am enjoying life most of the time

alexsmum yes I do realise people on here are always going to be biased because they have children. I will try - as someone suggested - to find sites where people don't have children. Without this site though I don't think DP and I would still be together - I've found being a stepmum very hard and the support I get from the other stepmums on here is absolutely priceless

milward thank you for thinking of me Smile

OP posts:
tribpot · 15/03/2006 10:02

But children like football matches (god knows why, I loathe it, you are welcome to borrow my ds when he inevitably becomes footy mad!), and children are not children forever. My parents have just come back from a 3 week tour of India and last year they were trotting around Vietnam and Thailand, I don't notice their children tying them down too much! (This would be because the youngest is now 32, but you get my point).

It seems to be okay for your dp to be a part-time dad, I wonder what would happen if (god forbid) anything happened to his ex-wife and his dd had to come and life with you permanently. He'd have no option but to face up to his obligations then.

anniemac · 15/03/2006 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 15/03/2006 10:29

tribpot he isn't actually happy to be a part-time dad - he had no choice, his ex left him. We have her whenever we can, DPs shifts are horrendous, but we have worked out a balance between having his dd and us getting time on our own - which was difficult with his shifts - but we've done it and everyone's happy with the arrangements we have. Have to say though, if anything did happen to his ex that really would be the end for us - don't get me wrong his dd and I get on really well but no way could I cope with her permanently under the circumstances

anniemac - he earns far more than I do, my salary wouldn't even cover the mortgage and bills let alone buy food or anything else

OP posts:
tribpot · 15/03/2006 10:38

Interesting, so you would leave him if he had his child, and he would leave you if you had yours!

Uwila · 15/03/2006 10:40

Can I ask a really pressing none of my business kind of question? Is his refusal to have more children based in scars recieved from his x-wife. I mean, is he afraid you will do what his x-wife did? I just wonder if this a more of a fear of the past than it is something he does not / will not want for the future?

anniemac · 15/03/2006 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.