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Original poster

So upset I want to sob my heart out

133 replies

NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 15:20

Bit of background: when I met my DP I thought I didn't want any children but changed my mind. He's had a vasectomy and won't have it reversed so, after much heartache and wondering whether to leave him, I've now resigned myself to being childless forever. It's bloody hard, very hard - but slowly I'm getting there and learning to appreciate other things in life instead

My DP has just phoned me - at work - to say his best mate has rung him and asked him to be godfather to his 8 month old son and that he's seriously thinking about saying yes but "wondered how I would take it". I'm devastated, don't know why on earth it's got to me so much but I'm sitting here at my desk and I just want to curl up and cry. I've already had one person ask what's wrong but no-one apart from DP knows I've changed my mind about wanting a child so I can't tell anyone

He could at the very least have waited till he could speak to me face to face. So Sad and really Angry with DP

Perhaps I'm over-reacting but he can be so bloody insensitive sometimes Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 16:15

Thanks again folks, don't know what I'd do without this site Smile

meggmoo, no I really think his mind is made up

If he does this I'll be bloody annoyed with him. Not just because of me but because he hardly sees this friend anyway - tbh I think they're just short of people to ask! - and we are not at all religious, not even the slightest bit

He keeps texting me now saying he's sorry and he's worried about me. Shame he didn't think about that before he phoned me at work!

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Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 16:17

motherinferior yes I think I'm going to do exactly that

I'm starting to calm down a little now

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motherinferior · 14/03/2006 16:18

I too also think you need to revisit your decision - I know it isn't easy, and I know that another friend of mine in a similar position to yours (he had a child, didn't want any more) did leave her partner but has not subsequently had children either (although I think she is very happy, actually, in many ways). I think, as someone who has been in similar situations, that I would have found it increasingly difficult had I not rather accidentally ended up (a) with DP (b)up the duff.

Uwila · 14/03/2006 16:23

Do you think your DP is aware that this is only the first of many situation like this if he keeps you from having children. What is going to happen when your friends kids hit milestones, when your friends have grandkids, and so on... How are you going to cope then? And what if you give up having children for him, and then you guys break up in 20 years? Oh gosh... I should shut up. This is none of my business. I can't tell you what to do.

But, please have a rethink. In 20 years will you be glad you still have your DP, or will you hate him because you don't have children. If it was me, I'd be a volcanoe of hatred.

Chandra · 14/03/2006 16:31

NAAM, if children are that important to you, you need to review your decission of accepting his. I have a friend who really wanted children and after years of trying to convince her husband to try for one (he also had a teenage kid from another marriage), the marriage ended anyway seven years later for all the friction that decission generated between them. Many times I wonder how her life would be if both had decided not to waste so many years thinking that the marriage could survive such incompatibility. Sad

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 16:35

uwila no you shouldn't shut up - I appreciate people taking the time to give me their opinions Smile

I only have 2 really good friends, they're both work colleagues, are much older than me and they already have grandchildren. I've got 10 nieces and nephews, must admit I've not really thought about when they start to have children though

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alexsmum · 14/03/2006 16:35

ok- probably speaking out of turn here but i think he is being really selfish to say so definitely'no children'. he has a child and yet he wants to deny you the opportunity to be a mother.you are so obviously not happy with this, and it won't get better i don't think.
you really need to talk to him some more.If he doesn't want the vasectomy reversed, then icsi is a possibility or even donor insemination.
i think the whole godparent thing is unimportant-it's justa catalyst .

Freckle · 14/03/2006 16:36

Problem is that you are making a decision with your head, when your instinct to have a child is purely biological. I suspect that you may well convince yourself that you have come to terms with the fact that you will never have a child, but, when the biology kicks in (which it will as your childbearing years gradually reduce), you may well find that you really haven't come to terms with it and your relationship could easily implode.

I do find it incredibly selfish of someone who already has a child/ren to deny that possibility to someone who doesn't.

I also think it is disingenuous of him to ring to ask if you mind about the godfather bit. He must know how you feel and therefore knew already what your response would be. He should simply have thanked his friend for thinking of him and declined on the basis that he is not religious. Why is he prepared to consider your feelings over whether he is a godfather or not, but not consider your desire for a child of your own??

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 16:37

Thanks chandra but I really don't think that'll happen to us. Believe me I agonised for months over whether to leave him, but I really do want him more than I want a child. There's no guarantee I would definitely be able to have a child anyway even if I did try and I really can't imagine my life without him

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Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 16:41

Hadn't thought of donor insemination alexsmum but tbh I really don't think I could have "another mans'" child

freckle - so glad you said that. My thoughts exactly, he must have known how I'd feel and he should have just politely refused then I'd have been none the wiser

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motherinferior · 14/03/2006 16:43

Oh honey; no, there are no guarantees. And obviously, most of us who have had children will be biased in favour of having them - I also have friends who are whole-heartedly opposed to having kids, but they're not on Mumsnet!

But it does, in my experience, not get a lot easier.

Freckle · 14/03/2006 16:46

I should also say that I have a friend who was in a similar position to you - married to a man who already had a child from a previous marriage, didn't want any more children. She too had "come to terms" with being childless. He then went on to have an affair and they almost got divorced. They decided to give their marriage another go and now have a lovely little boy. Now read into that what you will, but where will you stand if your relationship fails (not necessarily because of his infidelity) and you are then too old to start over?

FioFio · 14/03/2006 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

Freckle · 14/03/2006 16:47

And there is a huge difference between being childless through choice and being childless because your partner doesn't want another child.

jabberwocky · 14/03/2006 16:49

naam, I have to agree with uwila and the others on this. When I first met my future dh, I told him categorically that I didn't want any kids. (He had never had any either) He was quite wonderful about it and said that was fine but that if I ever changed my mind that would be fine too. Well, 2 years later I did change my mind. Quite suddenly and wholeheartedly. I can't imagine life without ds. I feel like I'm really intruding when you say you would rather have your dp than a child, but at your age you could still change your mind.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 16:50

Oh heck! Just text him to say I don't want him to do it and I can't believe he expected me to be OK about it. Shouldn't have done that should I when I've been grumbling about him not doing this face to face? Oh well, too late now

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Uwila · 14/03/2006 16:53

NAAM. I actually think it was selfish of him to ask you to make the decision. He should have said no on your behalf. But, now he can say he did it for you. Might even say one day that you made him do it.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 16:53

Blimey that was quick! Had a reply already to say "no problem I'll sort it, sorry for upsetting you"

He never replies to texts that quick!

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tarantula · 14/03/2006 16:56

I think he knows hes f**d up BIG style NAAM and is desperately backpedalling tbh

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 16:57

uwila I think you're right - it was selfish of him to expect me to decide for him wasn't it??

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jabberwocky · 14/03/2006 16:57

Hmmm, might be a good time to revisit the vasectomy reversal issue?

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 16:57

yes I think you're right tarantula - suppose he'll be in grovel mode all week now!!!

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anniemac · 14/03/2006 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 16:59

Good idea jabberwocky....

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alexsmum · 14/03/2006 17:00

nam- the godparent thing isn't really the issue here is it?
if you were as ok as you say you are with the decision not to have a child, then this wouldn't be an issue.
You really need to go over your decision and talk and think about it some more.