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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So upset I want to sob my heart out

133 replies

NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 15:20

Bit of background: when I met my DP I thought I didn't want any children but changed my mind. He's had a vasectomy and won't have it reversed so, after much heartache and wondering whether to leave him, I've now resigned myself to being childless forever. It's bloody hard, very hard - but slowly I'm getting there and learning to appreciate other things in life instead

My DP has just phoned me - at work - to say his best mate has rung him and asked him to be godfather to his 8 month old son and that he's seriously thinking about saying yes but "wondered how I would take it". I'm devastated, don't know why on earth it's got to me so much but I'm sitting here at my desk and I just want to curl up and cry. I've already had one person ask what's wrong but no-one apart from DP knows I've changed my mind about wanting a child so I can't tell anyone

He could at the very least have waited till he could speak to me face to face. So Sad and really Angry with DP

Perhaps I'm over-reacting but he can be so bloody insensitive sometimes Sad

OP posts:
Surfermum · 14/03/2006 20:09

You could go to Relate with or without your dp. You could ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor. There may be one available on the NHS locally, but there may be a long wait. They might also have details of someone they could refer you to privately.

Squirrel3 · 14/03/2006 20:19

NAAM, so sorry, I have just found this, it seems like there has been a lot of good advice already given, I just feel so Sad for you.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 20:19

dior you are absolutely spot on - I really think DP does feel cheated, and quite rightly so IMO. I just think he's been so insensitive about this godparent business And yes I'm like you - some days it's with me, other days it isn't. But it really has got better the more time that passes, it's just that this has really knocked me back

surfermum I'm quite prepared to pay for it. Just had a quick look at the relate website, it's really good. Going to seriously consider that, thank you. Think I'd be better going on my own though so not taking DP but I will tell him I'm going

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jabberwocky · 14/03/2006 20:22

naam, I wouldn't be too hard on yourself for changing your mind. This is one of those things where you rarely can say for sure that you will never want to do it. I am the poster child for that one Smile everyone who knew me was shocked when I got pregnant.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 20:24

jabberwocky I know for certain that everyone would be shocked if they knew how I feel. Sometimes I wonder if I should tell people, at least then no-one's going to accidentally put their foot in it

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Dior · 14/03/2006 20:25

I totally empathise with you. I'm just grateful that I did get my one child before dh said no. Ds was a really difficult baby, and neither of us are naturally very good at not having any time to ourselves! Having a baby was a hugely unpleasant surprise in some ways, and I have often felt guilty for feeling that way. However, I love ds with all my heart, and would never change things.

I do feel for you, and I hope that you get some happy middle ground soon.

jabberwocky · 14/03/2006 20:31

That's true, naam, I think I had secretly wanted a child for many years, but put on an air of bravado about the whole thing as I was single and didn't see a chance of having one. But, I met my wonderful dh when I was 34 and got married a year and a half later.

LadyTophamHatt · 14/03/2006 20:33

NAAM, I really hope I don't speak out of turn here but if I was in your shoes I would have left a long time ago.

IME the desire for a child never goes away until you actually have one and as things stand in your relationship that isn't going to happen.
At 34 you aren't too old but as someone else said if in 5 years you find that your DP isn't Mr Right after all thing might not be so easy both with age and the effectiveness(sp?) of a reversal.

I feel for you NAAM, I really do.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 20:40

Thanks again everyone Smile

LTH I think a lot of people would have left long ago. But I really do think I've got one in a million with my DP, he's wonderful in every way

But do you know what? If he said to me "look I'm sorry, I've been selfish - I'll go and see about a reversal" I really think I'd say "no hang on, don't worry about it, we'll be fine" And yes, I do know that sounds arse about face but a couple of months ago my period was late and I had right panic! But it would make such a difference to know that he would be prepared to do this for me after all the things I've done for him - which believe me is lots, not just giving up having children

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Wordsmith · 14/03/2006 20:41

What a heartbreaking situation. But I'm afraid I agree with Dior. However unfair it may seem on NAAM, it's the deal she agreed to with her DP.

Re the godparent thing, he doesn't sound too selfish, just a bit insensitive, and it seems he has realised that.

But NAAM, are you sure he realises just how much you want a child? You say in your first post that you thought you didnt want any children - was that 'I don't want any chldren' or 'I'm not sure if I do or I don't'? I didn't know I wanted kids till I had then, TBH. But perhaps your DP had been led to believe that you were of the same opinion as him, ie neither of you actually wanted any children (any more in his case).

I am a little shocked by some of the posts on here implying it is your DP's duty to father you a child because you now find you really want one. Doesn't he have a say or a right NOT to become a father again? Or are we all subscribing to the view that fathers are pointless beyond their sperm-donating abilities? If we demand that fathers live up to their responsibilities we must accept they have rights as well.

If I were you I would try and tell him exactly how much this all means to you (forgive me if you already have). You are unlikely to change your mind again and accept your childless state. You need to resolve the situation.

What are the reasons for his not wanting a child? Did he have a bad time the first time round? Is he scared of a reversal op? Does he not like children? What is his relationship like with his daughter? All of this will have a bearing on his state of mind.

I really feel for you, NAAM. I hope you manage to sort this out and do manage to change his mind.

Dior · 14/03/2006 20:46

I agree wordsmith. If the boot were on the other foot, we would all be outraged. 'How dare your dh demand a child! Your body is your own...he said he didn't want children!'

Having said that, of course it is a woman's right to change her mind...difficult situation all round, with no-one coming out as a winner.

Sparklemagic · 14/03/2006 20:47

wow, this really is a thorny situation NAAM, best wishes to you for the future, however it goes...Of course most people on here are strong advocates for having a child, and there have been some brilliant posts, particularly Tribpots where she describes the all powerful love you get for your child. I'm another former 'child hater' who got pregnant and made friends and family fall over with shock, no-one could believe it from me...and of course I fell utterly in love withh my boy - and life has the most amazing joy and meaning to me now - and it is nothing less than a privelege to bring a person into the world and be instrumental in forming them.

In view of all this I wonder if it's worth you looking up websites, if there are any, discussing happily childless couples and see if this resonates with you? They may be able to put the other side just as eloquently as many here put 'our' side! I believe though that had I not been lucky enough to have my DS I would have had a happy and fulfilled life doing other things but I do believe strongly that you have to be genuinely OK with it for YOU, not just accpet someone else's decision.

At the end of the day, if I were in your position I would simply decide if I was accepting his decision rather than making the decision not to have kids MYSELF. If it's purely about acceptance, then to be honest I would have said to him either we try for a child, or I have to go off and take whatever chances life throws at me for this to happen. It could never happen, or it could - but at least you would have tried your utmost and could never regret trying? Or the other side of the coin is that it is your wish too, and your life simply goes in a different direction.

Blimey, dunno if that makes sense!

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 20:53

wordsmith you are right - and whatever else he's been he's been totally honest

When we first met I really did honestly, truthfully think I didn't want any. In fact it was a bonus that he'd had the snip because there was no fear of getting pregnant accidentally

His reasons for not wanting any more are:

He had a really bad time having his vasectomy, got an infection and was very, very ill for 2 weeks. And he's not a wimp - if he says he was ill, he must have been

He likes our lifestyle and wouldn't want to give it up. On my good days I agree with this totally

We can't afford it. Again, he's right - I would have to give up my job which would mean he'd have to work all hours so we wouldn't hardly see each other

He has a wonderful relationship with his dd and sees her as often as his nightmare shifts allow

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Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 20:56

sparklemagic that's a good idea about finding websites, I'll look into that. I did find, thanks to LooptheLoop, a website for childless stepmums and that's been a big help

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Wordsmith · 14/03/2006 21:12

NAAM - I hesitate to say this but it sounds to me as though he could be persuaded. If he is a wonderful father anyway, that's a big plus. He likes your lifestyle - but has he thought beyond the immediate next few years? And you can't afford it - who can? If we all waited till we could afford it, no-one would have kids.

And the pain of vasectomy must have created a psychological scar much as difficult childbirth does in some women.

You know what, from one of your earlier posts it sounds to me as though you are scared to push the discussion because you are scared of losing a wonderful man. Please try again - if he's implacable, then that's that. But if you probe is reasons and have answers to them, then who knows?

Good luck - and be gentle with him!

Wordsmith · 14/03/2006 21:12

The lifestyle thing - why would you have to give up your job?

alexsmum · 14/03/2006 21:13

having a wonderful relationship with his dd shouldn't be a reason not to have another child.
that's like he's saying' oh well i've got this fantastic thing already, screw you'

i have the most fantastic husband and we have been together for a very long time.i really do think he is my soul mate.but if i had to choose between him and my children, my children would win every time.it's not like nieces and nephews-it's a whole other planet.
i think the counselling is a great idea-but i think you should get him to go too.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 21:20

wordsmith I would have to give up my job because with the cost of childcare I'd be working for next to nothing. I really don't think he can be persuaded - we had the discussion time and time again, the last time - a few weeks before Christmas - I actually said I wouldn't ask him again to have his vasectomy reversed because it wasn't doing any of us any good. I'm not scared of losing him, honestly I'm not - I managed on my own before I met him and could easily do so again. He, on the other hand, couldn't afford to take on the house on his own because he'd have to give me back the £50k I gave him towards his divorce settlement (yes, I know....)

alexsmum I think that's what gets to me more than anything - the "I'm all right I've got my child"

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milward · 14/03/2006 21:23

naam - if you want a baby then go for it. If your dp says no or the reversal doesn't work then go for donor insemination.

Wordsmith · 14/03/2006 21:28

I know this may sound as though I'm disagreeing with my first post, but the only reason that would make me truly believe there was no way forward was if he came out and said, "No, I don't want another child, it's nothing to do with being scared of pain or being broke, I just don't ever want a child again."

That's a reason, Eveything else is an excuse. He is pefectly entitled not to want another child of course but he needs to be straight with you.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 21:36

Good point wordsmith

Wonder what his answer would be if I said "would you consider trying for a child if we won the lottery?"

Have to say though, I still suspect it'll be a no. I only actually asked him why he didn't want any more about a month before Christmas. Heaven knows why but I just hadn't asked the question before

He'll be home in an hour. He phoned earlier. We spoke for a couple of minutes and he said "what's wrong, you don't sound very happy" When I pointed out that he had said something that had really upset me he said "don't worry about it, I'll just tell him tomorrow that I don't want to do it so just forget I said it"

Like it's that easy. Why do men think that they can just "unsay" something???

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Wordsmith · 14/03/2006 21:37

Because they are from Mars and we are from Venus.

Cliched but true

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 21:40

LOL Smile

I'd read that book if I "did" reading but I don't unfortunately

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alexsmum · 14/03/2006 21:40

if the vasectomy reversal doesn't work or indeed if he didn't want to go down that route, there is always 'icsi' where sperm is taken directly from the testes.
i think you are wrong to make the godparent thing the focus with him.you know that's not what you are really upset about. he should be made aware too.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 21:42

alexsmum I've heard about that but I've also heard it's very, very painful. And I really don't think he'd agree to it anyway

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