So upset I want to sob my heart out

[NotActuallyAMum]

Bit of background: when I met my DP I thought I didn't want any children but changed my mind. He's had a vasectomy and won't have it reversed so, after much heartache and wondering whether to leave him, I've now resigned myself to being childless forever. It's bloody hard, very hard - but slowly I'm getting there and learning to appreciate other things in life instead

My DP has just phoned me - at work - to say his best mate has rung him and asked him to be godfather to his 8 month old son and that he's seriously thinking about saying yes but "wondered how I would take it". I'm devastated, don't know why on earth it's got to me so much but I'm sitting here at my desk and I just want to curl up and cry. I've already had one person ask what's wrong but no-one apart from DP knows I've changed my mind about wanting a child so I can't tell anyone

He could at the very least have waited till he could speak to me face to face. So and really with DP

Perhaps I'm over-reacting but he can be so bloody insensitive sometimes

Ok I'm going against the grain here but when I had my daughter I remember being struck like a bolt of lightning with a feeling of 'I can really see why people don't have kids'.
They are so all-encompassing, you have to give up so much. And I can really see why people decide that it's not for them.
Of course I love her, completely and utterly, but the thought of having another one does terrify me too...
In a way I can see where your partner is coming from.
Although totally sympathise with you too...
Really hope that you too can work this out, but if you don't have children there really is more to life and I strongly believe you can live a happy and fulfilling life without actually having given birth.
Anyway that's just my opinion, maybe easy for me to say having had a child of my own.

uwila yes when I pressed him for a reason why he didn't want any more that was one of them - the fear that he would, again, "lose" his child so you are spot on

anniemac - I really do take my hat off to you. I found being a step-parent hard from the start, but will admit it's much harder now I know I'll never have a child of my own. DP has always said from the start that I'm doing fine and I'm being too hard on myself saying I'm struggling, maybe he's right. You are absolutely right though about having to get used to these knockbacks - one of the young girls who I work with is pregnant and I am pleased for her but my heart did temporarily sink when she told me

bluejelly - thank you for that I really do think, 95% of the time, that I can and will have a happy and fulfilling life. I was so bloody annoyed with my DP yesterday, I still can't believe he seriously thought about being godfather to his friends child - and to ring me at work when he must surely have known it would upset me, I just don't know what he was thinking, I really don't. He has said now that he accepts he handled it totally wrong though so at least he realises that

Sounds to me like he needs to get over that fear and not hold you back because of it. You're not her, you didn't leave, he's being selfish imo.

Can I ask another pressing (and possibly rude) question? Is this also why he is your DP and not your DH? I'm starting to think this is all about his issues, not yours. And I'm having a really hard time understand why you should be childless because he is punishing you for what someone else did to him in the past.

If I'm out of line, I apologise. But, I really that fact that you are here having this conversation says a lot more than what you have reluctantly agreed to. And I'm absolutely certain that if I were in your shoes, I could not be happy with this man in years to come. You may different. I hope you are.

I agree he is possibly being selfish in a way, but having children is such a huge decision isn't it? And from his point of view, he's more than likely thinking "I can't have another child just because someone else wants me to". I did, after all, "move the goalposts" as it were and I'm sure he feels rather cheated about that

Why aren't we married? Well, I have to admit I'd love to get married, I've never married, but we have only been together 21 months - and he's only been divorced for 7 of those - so it's not a massive issue. TBH if ever we did decide to get married that would open up a whole new can of worms because of family arguments on my side "I'm not going if he's going" and "I'm not sitting with them" Believe me I've heard it all before and don't think I could be doing with it. If ever we do get married I think we'll just bugger off abroad on our own and not tell anyone!

Well, I married my DH 5 months after I met him. (He was very persuasive )

And, my whole family should be commited to an institution and put in pretty white jackets. So, I can relate there too. Yes, definitely go abroad if you get married. And sod those who may forget that the day is about YOU not THEM.

Anyway.... I don't want you to wakeup one day and find it's too late.

lol at the white jackets Our lot are the same

i find it really hard to imagine committing to a decision about my future life ,that i'm not totally happy with,for someone i've only been with for 21 months.i think you really need to do some hard thinking about the future.