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Original poster

So upset I want to sob my heart out

133 replies

NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 15:20

Bit of background: when I met my DP I thought I didn't want any children but changed my mind. He's had a vasectomy and won't have it reversed so, after much heartache and wondering whether to leave him, I've now resigned myself to being childless forever. It's bloody hard, very hard - but slowly I'm getting there and learning to appreciate other things in life instead

My DP has just phoned me - at work - to say his best mate has rung him and asked him to be godfather to his 8 month old son and that he's seriously thinking about saying yes but "wondered how I would take it". I'm devastated, don't know why on earth it's got to me so much but I'm sitting here at my desk and I just want to curl up and cry. I've already had one person ask what's wrong but no-one apart from DP knows I've changed my mind about wanting a child so I can't tell anyone

He could at the very least have waited till he could speak to me face to face. So Sad and really Angry with DP

Perhaps I'm over-reacting but he can be so bloody insensitive sometimes Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 17:00

Thanks anniemac Smile

And what an excellent post Smile

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jabberwocky · 14/03/2006 17:01

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you Smile

anniemac · 14/03/2006 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Uwila · 14/03/2006 17:07

Good luck NAAM. BTW, I think your screenname says it all.

Blu · 14/03/2006 17:17

The way I see it is that if you loved him with your whole self to the point where his need not to go through parenthood again was something you could support, for his sake, then he would be enough to satisfy you for the rest of your life, and your life together, with each other would be enough. But if you are upset at these things - Mothers' day etc - you will never recover from this, and he will always be the cause.

Are you afraid that you wouldn't find another relationship? Do you secretly hope that he will change his mind? Do you imagine that your feelings for a child of your own will evaporate? Does he give you things in your life that make it worthwhile sacrificing the child you long for?

Sorry, NAAM, you have asked about a simple incident, and you are getting this, uncalled for. Sorry if I have overstepped the mark.
XXXX

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 18:21

Blu - no I'm definitely not afraid that I wouldn't find another relationship. Do I hope he'll change his mind? Hmmm, maybe - but in my heart of heart I know he never will. Do I imagine that my feelings for a child will evaporate? Yes sometimes, specially when I babysit for my nieces and nephews and find myself thinking "can't wait till you go home so I can have some peace and quiet" LOL. Does he give me things in my life that make the sacrifice worthwhile? Yes, on my good days I really believe that him, and the lifestyle we have, are worth it. We wouldn't be able to do a quarter of the things we do if we had a child

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Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 18:23

Blu - and no you haven't overstepped the mark. I asked for opinions so have to be prepared for whatever people want to say Smile

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Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 18:29

anniemac - sorry, didn't mean to ignore you Blush

When I first realised I'd like a child and it wasn't going to happen, yes it did cross my mind to call his bluff and leave but a friend at work who knew I was having problems (didn't know why though) said "imagine life without him - if you can cope with that then leave" and it really made me think because I really can't imagine life without him

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colditz · 14/03/2006 18:35

I think you will regret not having a baby if you never try. Other people's kids will never give you the same clench of love around your heart. I am sorry to be blunt, but you have posted a few times on this subject IIRC, so it must be bothering you, and will bother you even more when you approach an age where having a baby just isn't possible.

I would never ever condemn anyone who decides they don't want children, but I don't think you have.

piggysgal · 14/03/2006 19:05

...But he seems quite prepared to contemplate life without YOU naam, that's what gets me. From what you're saying if push comes to shove and it's a child or you, he'll wave goodbye with nary a second glance. Sorry, but this seems so unfair and so inequitable to me. You are the one making the big compromise here. What's he giving up? To have all the joy of parenthood yourself and then deny the same joy to the one you purport to love strikes me as little short of criminal. You only get to live once, and your clock is ticking. I just hope he's worth it.

Isyhan · 14/03/2006 19:07

I used to go out with a man for 7 years. He had a child before he met me and didnt want another. At 28 I decided there was no future for us as I wanted children so I broke up. Very difficult thing to do. I am now married to a lovely man and have two beautiful girls and dont regret my decision in the slightest. However you will regret your decision to stay with him and not have children Im afraid. Sorry to be harsh but stop kidding yourself.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 14/03/2006 19:10

and it really made me think because I really can't imagine life without him.

But can you truly imagine life without a baby ??

Babies are hard work, they are the thieves of time, they rob you of your sleep and worst of all they turn capable career women into balls of worry and paranoia, am I doing this right am I doing that right ?

But I have to say they are totallly and utterly life enhancing, I used to think I had a wonderful life, it was wonderful, but by comparison it was shallow.

I am not adovcating leaving your DP immediately if at all, but please do not wait until your body clock is about to run out of Tick Tock.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 19:12

colditz you're right - I think the world of my nieces and nephews but they don't make my heart flutter or cause my stomach to churn, so to speak

piggysgal I hadn't looked at it that way. Yes he probably would wave goodbye if it came to the crunch. He hasn't actually said so but I think you're right

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Isyhan · 14/03/2006 19:13

LS that was wierd. You have just described me (currently have 6mDD)!! No sleep, no money, no time but v. happy and content.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 19:20

I'm 34 so haven't exactly got lots of time on my side

LadyS the thing is though, on my good days I really can imagine life without a child. And I sometimes think I have the best of both worlds - I have my nieces and nephews a lot and we see lots of DPs dd and I can give them back when I've had enough of them and my house is a mess LOL

Isyhan that's lovely, I can imagine how hard it must have been for you to leave him

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Isyhan · 14/03/2006 19:23

NAAM - I likened it at the time to having to cut my own arm off. I know that sounds odd but probably not to you in the place you're at at the moment.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 19:26

Yes I can relate to that isyhan

He hasn't even bothered to text me since I left work. And he knows I hate being in the house on my own Sad

He is at work though, must be busy. But it doesn't take a minute to send a quick text

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tribpot · 14/03/2006 19:36

NAAM, I have ten nephews and nieces too - soon to be eleven, god help my large and overly fertile family! (In fairness I have 5 brothers and sisters, so we are not Mormon-stylee or anything like that).

Some of them are monstrous, and some of them are sweet, most of them are a generous mixture of both and all of them are exhausting and time-consuming - I love them all, but as colditz says, it's nothing compared to the love you feel for your own child. I can only describe it as the purest and completest sense of love I can ever imagine feeling, and despite all the nightmarishness of being a parent, I feel immensely privileged to have the opportunity to experience that emotion.

Do I think a life without children is wasted? Absolutely not. On this site you are always going to get a biased view of parenthood, it's like going on a Christian website and saying "is being a Christian any good?" It's what we all are, it's what unites us and, by and large, yes we all think it is good! But your reaction to the idea of your dp being a godparent says quite clearly - as others have said and I think you know - that you are not [yet?] reconciled to never having your own child.

The thing is, you can't imagine life with a child until you have one. And then you can't imagine life without one. So saying "can you imagine life without your dp" is a meaningless comparison, to be honest. You can only go with instinct, no-one can adequately describe what being a parent is like to you.

Funnily (or not) my BIL could be your dp, he is a similar age with a similar-aged dd who he has never been allowed to have contact with (nightmares with ex-wife). His dp is about 34 and starting to get broody; I really feel for her as he is 100% committed to not having another child, because he can't bear the heartache of losing another to a vindictive ex. I have no idea if that's part of your dp's motivation, and it doesn't really matter, I could not live with that; deciding together not to have kids is one thing, but him saying it's alright for him to have one but not you, I couldn't handle it.

In honesty I think this is going to be one of the key moments in your relationship with dp. 34 is a dodgy age to be contemplating starting again (I'm 34!) but you do have some years of potential fertility ahead of you, and I feel you may end up wondering if the next 10 years are best spent giving those away for this man.

tribpot · 14/03/2006 19:41

Btw, what you describe as "the best of both worlds" (seeing lots and giving them back) is the province of grandparents, in my book. Grandparents know all the hard work and the heartache and the agony, and that's why they can truly enjoy the "having them and handing them back". What happens with nephews and nieces is they grow up and away from you - it's inevitable. I have some but little contact with my various uncles and aunts, but my grandparents are a completely different matter. I'm not saying that's universally true, but I really don't see it as being the best of both worlds, not long term.

jabberwocky · 14/03/2006 19:44

Oh, good point tribpot. I had always thought that I was almost joined at the hip to my nephews and niece. Couldn't imagine being any closer. Now they are in their twenties and I hardly ever hear from them Sad

Surfermum · 14/03/2006 19:47

NAAM, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I can't remember if I told you this before, but I was with my last partner for 12 years before finally leaving him because he didn't want children. I know exactly where you're at at the moment. I kidded myself for ages that I didn't really want children, and I ended up getting really clinically depressed because I just put on a brave face to all and sundry that everything was hunky dory. Every time another friend announced a pregnancy I had to put on a brave face, then would go home and sob my eyes out. And every time that happened I realised that this big front I was putting on of "I'm OK with not having any children" was just a big facade.

I'm sorry, this isn't easy for you to hear, but now I've had dd I know that I was meant to be a mum and I know that if I had stayed with my x I would have ended up resenting him.

Have you thought about going for counselling?

Take care. Surfer xx

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 19:48

Thanks tribpot Smile two excellent posts

I do realise people with children are slightly biased - no-one has children and regrets it do they? BTW I'm not your brothers gf LOL My DP sees his dd lots

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WideWebWitch · 14/03/2006 19:52

Good post tribot. NAAM, when I met dp I already had one child and would quite happily have left it at that and not had any more. But dp wanted them and I knew he did when I met him. Despite the fact that he said he loved me enough to stay with me and sacrifice having a biological child of his own if I didn't want any more, I didn't think it was fair to ask him to do it tbh.

I agree about it being difficult to compare missing him to missing the opportunity to have a baby of your own, they are so totally different. In my case we had our dd and she's wonderful and I wouldn't change it for anything. Dh now agrees that he didn't 'get it' before he had her (despite being a fab step dad to my ds) and we're both glad we had her, I think you can't imagine motherhood from looking after other peoples' children.

I think you do have time at 34 to meet someone else and have children of your own. It's easy for him to say he doesn't want them: he's already done it. I think it's very selfish of him to expect you to give up your chance of motherhood for him and to me, it doesn't sound as if you do really want to give it up. Sorry, I hope you don't mind my posting this. I just think you have some time and if you really want a child you should use it wisely: finding someone who wants to have thgem with you. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 14/03/2006 19:58

Thanks www Smile of course I don't mind you posting that - or anything else. I'm grateful for any opinions

Hello surfermum Smile yes I have thought about going for counselling but wouldn't know where to start. Any ideas anyone?

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Dior · 14/03/2006 20:04

NAAM - I haven't read all the posts, but I have some comments:

If you can't imagine life without him, then the decision is made really.

He was probably unpleasantly surprised when you changed you mind about children, as you have always stated that you didn't want them. To be fair to him, he was happy with that scenario, and probably feels cheated in a way.

Texting you from work is typical of most men IME. They hate confrontation, and he was probably hoping that it would take the edge off the first face-to-face contact. He's a man...they don't do women's thinking!

If you feel exasperated by your nephews and nieces, thenmultiply that by loads for having a child constantly around demanding things. Obviously the way you feel for your child makes a huge dent in that exasperation, but it can still be wearing. I can't stress enough how much I wish I had known the stress factor of young children. Of course, I wouldn't have believed it Wink

Having said all that, I can totally understand the yearning for a child. I have been there for a while. It goes away when I have an interesting project on, or am really low, as I remember how much a baby would interfere with those, or make me even lower. Through it all, the yearning re-appears every so often.

I really feel for what you are going through. What a horrible situation...but try to see it from your dh's side a little. xxx