Honey traps leading to kinky fuckery and other dating adventures (No 21)

[KirstyWirsty]

I want to know what Nicholas's tip was ... and the last thread was full!

Sponge. He should be complimenting you and your house. Not saying judgemental stuff like that.
Madame O. I am seeing the red flags better now. The last date I had a while ago told me he had been v unlucky in love. He had given the last girlfriend a chance and moved her in but then she messed it up, ruined the relationship and he decided she had to leave. Luckily (for him) she had a nervous breakdown in his house the day before he had ordered the van for her to go and he never contacted her again. He also said he would dump various girlfriends on the way home from a weekend away because they would have disappointed him with their behaviour.
How many red flags??? thing is even now I question myself now thinking I misjudged it.
I used to think these people 'didn't mean it'. Bollocks. They do.
I attempted to tell my friend that being humble is good. He retorted that he isn't arrogant. It's self preservation.

Can I join in? Will mainly be lurking for a while 'til I can face getting back on the bandwagon.

Status: Newly single after disastrous 3yr relationship ended a month ago.

sponge well let's see where this goes from here! Do you actually want to see him again?

I find that when someone is less interested in me I am more interested so now that this guy has text back maybe it's time to start thinking about if YOU want to see him again!

'The last date I had a while ago told me he had been v unlucky in love. '
jeeze, what kind of eejit thinks it's a good idea to say that , he may aswell just say 'hey, guess what, I am really bad news!!' :o

I agree moving.
Welcome stookie. Please join in. You will feel ready when you feel ready.

'well I replied...and nothing.

we'll see I guess. '
Sponge as far as I can ascertain you give men 10 minutes to reply to a text before you start with the wax effigy and the pins :o
(but yeah, asthma man sounds like a tool)

Lol mercury. I know! I soaked it all in while he told me he had been single for near on 10 years, hates his ex wife, met 38 people in one year and couldn't say a single nice thing about one of them, described them as 'accessories'.. Omg is was all me,me,me. The bad news just kept a coming!!!
Men will tell you all about themselves...

head firmly wedged up his own arse!!

YY
They WILL tell you who they are. We just have to listen.

Welcome Stookie I'm a newbie too and have been made very welcome

Sponge, I would have been very about the leaving inhaler at yours thing. Please be careful with you feelings.

Speaking of men telling you what they're like, could I have your wise opinions, please, ladies?
If a man tells you that a previous girlfriend has told him he was controlling, would that automatically be a red flag? There are other things which I'm not sure about, but I'm very aware that I'm sceptical and cautious to the extreme at the moment, and he seems happy to answer questions as they come up.

I suppose this thread does come across as a bit cynical, but I think it's a good thing - a lot of people actively looking for a relationship are quite vulnerable, and anything that helps them (me) keep their wits about them will help keep them safe.

'previous girlfriend has told him he was controlling, would that automatically be a red flag?'
I'm not sure, he may be making out that the ex was deluded/overly critical or whatever?
for me it'd depend on how well I knew him, I find it a bit odd when people I dont know very well just spill out a load of personal info, it's seems kinda immature...as if they're unable to edit themselves

It's a strange thing to say...my ex told me I was controlling. I would want to know what her examples were of his control. But yes it would get me thinking.

That's a good point, Mercury, thank you. We were talking about relationships more generally, and I think I did ask him what she would have said the reason for the break up would be (it wasn't a recent relationship). We did change the conversation quite quickly after that. I think I'll keep my guard up for a while.

Welcome Stookie

Scatty - 'self preservation'? sounds like your friend has issues that he probably isn't going to look at just because you point them out. I've known people like that and found the best way to deal is to take a step back & understand that they aren't capable of being the kind of friend you want them to be. You don't necessarily have to cut him from your life all together (although that is a possibility) but you have to know that he's not going to be the person you can turn to for support or sympathy and that he will likely continue to behave in ways that you find questionable.

fayster I would def be a bit wary of someone who said his pervious girlfriend found him controlling.

You know what I just realised? I know more about the previous relationships of the men I've dated in the last 6 months than I do about the previous relationships of my ex-husband! I mean I know names and approx time-scales of a few serious girlfriends he had before we met but I never really asked about them or why the relationships ended or how they ended. Maybe I would have learned something useful if I'd asked these kinds of questions 18 years ago!

I think it's a fairly common and clichéd thing to say!
but it could mean alot of things...

eg, my ex used to say that I got my own way 'all the time'...he meant that I got my own way too much of the time.
he felt that (being male) he should be in charge so if I had a 50% say it would seem like too much for him.

Whether you see the other person as controlling will depend on how much control you think they ought to have.

I dont think people can necessarily be relied upon to objectively evaluate their own relationships...of course that includes me:o

Cross-posted Scatty. Thanks, that was my thought, but I didn't really want to stay on the subject. I did point out that even if he didn't think he was, if she said it, it was probably because that's how she felt.

Fayster - it's a red flag. If she did say it then I'd believe her, if she didn't and he's lying, that's bad too. If a man said that to me, I'd instantly think "Uh-oh" whilst appearing sympathetic thereby giving him enough rope to hang himself

Really, why would he even tell you that? It makes him look like a right catch and falls into the "badmouthing the ex" category. Men who do this are to be avoided at all cost.

Next time he mentions her say "Ooh, she sounds like a bit of a bitch". His reaction will speak volumes. (Hate the b-word btw)

' I know more about the previous relationships of the men I've dated in the last 6 months' it's always interesting to know yogagirl but wouldnt it be even MORE interesting to hear what the women concerned would say about said relationships :)

Moving yes likewise, the less a man appears to want me the more I want him. Mind you its been so long since I've actually been pursued by anyone that I'm not sure how I'd feel.

The update on man from last night (will have to think of a name for him) is that he has a sniffle manflu. And from the sadfaces he is sending me he is clearly at deaths door . There is something quite funny about being sympathetic and recommending lemsip and a warm bath to a 16st scaffolder whose arms are nearly the size of my thighs .

He last text me an hour ago but I've not replied yet as I fell asleep...

RE the controlling thing, to me that is a potential red flag in various ways. I can't think of any good reason to mention it - my Ex for example often told me I was self-centred and incapable of ever making anyone happy. I have never told a potential -or actual - date about that, it would never occur to me to do so.

Posted too soon. They are to be avoided at all cost because they are either still bitter about the break up or in denial about their part in it. Or worse.

Bugger, I should type more quickly. Thanks, guys.

My ex accused me of being passive-aggressive once. After I openly expressed an opinion that didn't agree with his. He is, to this day, the most passive-aggressive person I have ever met, so I see what you're saying about people not being the best judges of their own relationships.

"Hi, I'm new to this so here goes. I have been single for six months and am ready to take the plunge"

Aaaaaaaaaargh.

my reply to accusations that I am bossy or whatever is 'yeah, and?'
but then I am un-partnerable (thank goodness :) )

mercury - 'wouldnt it be even MORE interesting to hear what the women concerned would say about said relationships' Yes of course but that would require some serious stalker tendencies which i have yet to hone!