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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH hit me in the face last night and he's not sorry.

426 replies

Blackberryinoperative · 29/08/2012 10:30

My DH hit me in the face last night while I was breastfeeding our baby. He is not sorry. He says he has "forgiven me" for our argument, why can't I forgive him?

I told him he is not forgiven. I am really angry at him but the worst thing is he is not sorry. He doesn't think he was wrong. He did it because I told him to fuck off three times. He warned me to stop saying it but I carried on. He says swearing in front of the children is just as tantamount to violence as hitting.

I am not a weak person or an apologist but I really am nonplussed as to how to take it from here. Separating will be hell on earth. Not because we are so in love or anything but just logistically things will be a complete nightmare. How do I make him see he was wrong to hit me? And that swearing sometimes does not a bad parent make?

OP posts:
Lueji · 29/08/2012 12:06

That is what has been severely lacking in his life up until now and if I had the strength I would do just that to him.
Hmm

And you've lost my sympathies there.

dysfunctionalme · 29/08/2012 12:07

You can spend your energy arguing about whose hitting is worse, or you can spend it tackling your problems effectively.

This incident is quite raw and probably you are still feeling shocked, not a great time to make big decisions.

Would you consider calling a help agency? Do you believe that there are people who can help you?

Offred · 29/08/2012 12:11

I don't think anyone said SS would take away the children.Hmm

I think him hitting you is the death knell in a toxic relationship tbh.

As a separate issue I think you have a problem accepting and taking responsibility for your own parenting issues and how serious they are objectively speaking. Completely separate from anything which is going on with him. If you don't do that you stand a high chance of repeating your own mothers' mistakes.

After the comment lueji highlighted and the outrage at the SS comment I do not believe you when you say you don't believe in physical violence as a form of discipline.

GeekCool · 29/08/2012 12:12

He hit you whilst you are feeding and holding YOUR/HIS child. I'm sorry, but imo this shows there are no limits to what he will do.

You should seriously consider reporting this, but you seem to be sidestepping any suggestions of this at all.

AnyFucker · 29/08/2012 12:14

OP, your husband is an aggressive person

You are an aggressive person

Your kids will grow up to be aggressive people

I think the only way you can stop this cycle repeating itself is to separate from your H and seek immediate help with your own anger issues

Yoiu are not listening though, are you ?

Original poster
Blackberryinoperative · 29/08/2012 12:16

I know I was wrong to say that and it does say a lot about my ideas, and where my ideas come from.

Deep down I know that I am a goo person but perhaps I do deserve a slap now and again because you live by the sword, you die by it. :( I feel very unhappy today. Andi hate us both.

OP posts:
Offred · 29/08/2012 12:17

You do not deserve a slap Sad no-one does. That really is the point and I think probably your biggest obstacle is that you have been raised believing that people do deserve to be hit.

Original poster
Blackberryinoperative · 29/08/2012 12:18

Anyfucker I have nowhere to go. No money, no family, no future.

I have been informed I am damaging my children.

I don't need your attitude go and sort out the porno wives and pubic hairstyle debates.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/08/2012 12:19

< shrug >

SoleSource · 29/08/2012 12:19

Hitting is wrong. Hitting a person or peopke weaker tnan.yourself is wrong. Making exvuses for violence is rarely justified. SS do need to be involved and you need to realise you are wrong too OP.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 29/08/2012 12:19

Self pity won't get you anywhere. Sorry, but true. You can change things. You can make sure that your children don't repeat your (collective 'your') mistakes. But I really don't think that you can stay in this relationship and achieve those necessary changes. A line has been crossed. Separate and work at being effective parents without any violence. Give your DC a chance. You can do it :)

Offred · 29/08/2012 12:20

These financial problems can all be sorted out. If you have no money you can claim benefits, there are ways and people will help but you have to want it and I think AF is right in that you probably don't want it. You'll probably right this off as a storm in a teacup because fundamentally you believe that you deserved to be hit.

Original poster
Blackberryinoperative · 29/08/2012 12:21

I know hitting is wrong sole source. I know I am wrong. He thinks he is right and justified, hence my thread.

OP posts:
dysfunctionalme · 29/08/2012 12:21

You are obviously feeling very low and that's a horrible place to be.

But you can get through this.

Try to believe there are people who can and will help. If you let them.

If you can't do it for yourself at this point, do it for your kids.

BIWI · 29/08/2012 12:21

Nobody deserves a slap.

Shagmundfreud · 29/08/2012 12:22

Don't hate yourself. Sad

Parenting is hard. Especially when you have been poorly parented yourself, and when the person you are supposed to be parenting with is not supporting you and working effectively with you.

Please put your children first by getting help with your parenting. If your partner won't work with you then you need to do it alone.

BIWI · 29/08/2012 12:22

... and lashing out at people who are trying to help you here only serves to illustrate even further how much aggression is part of you and how you behave.

It isn't going to do you or your family any good.

Original poster
Blackberryinoperative · 29/08/2012 12:23

So, say I was going to leave this relationship today.

I go where, exactly?

Or do I call him and tell him he is leaving tonight? And pack his things?

OP posts:
Offred · 29/08/2012 12:24

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to ask someone who hit you to leave yes. People can help you with the money. You might not be as well off but that is better than experiencing violence and verbal abuse.

Original poster
Blackberryinoperative · 29/08/2012 12:24

I am not lashing out at people here. I am merely pointing out (in a sarcastic way admittedly) that just because I have a few problems doesn't mean I can be spoken to like I am thick. I am not here to be made fun of or ridiculed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackberryinoperative · 29/08/2012 12:26

He won't go I don't think.

My mum ended up in a safe house and just went back again. I think it's a pointless exercise to put the kids through.

OP posts:
BIWI · 29/08/2012 12:27

Nobody is trying to make fun of you, or to ridicule you. And you are lashing out - it's worrying that you can't see that.

Anger management issues aside, which you obviously both need help with, you need also to find ways to parent more effectively (both of you) and probably relationship counselling - if you're not going to leave him.

Offred · 29/08/2012 12:27

Well then report him hitting you. The police will take him away and then you don't let him back in.

FermezLaBouche · 29/08/2012 12:27

Nobody is ridiculing you or making fun, but you do seem very hostile to people who want to help. Unfortunately, one of the people who has sound answers to the questions you've posed is anyfucker.

Can i ask who owns your home or whose name is on the tenancy?

SoleSource · 29/08/2012 12:29

Being left alone with her children worries me.

Knowing and realising are two different things.