DH hit me in the face last night and he's not sorry.

[Blackberryinoperative]

My DH hit me in the face last night while I was breastfeeding our baby. He is not sorry. He says he has "forgiven me" for our argument, why can't I forgive him?

I told him he is not forgiven. I am really angry at him but the worst thing is he is not sorry. He doesn't think he was wrong. He did it because I told him to fuck off three times. He warned me to stop saying it but I carried on. He says swearing in front of the children is just as tantamount to violence as hitting.

I am not a weak person or an apologist but I really am nonplussed as to how to take it from here. Separating will be hell on earth. Not because we are so in love or anything but just logistically things will be a complete nightmare. How do I make him see he was wrong to hit me? And that swearing sometimes does not a bad parent make?

Relationships do not just 'sort themselves out' -- they are what we make of them. He clearly thinks he's not doing anything wrong so nothing is going to get sorted.

You will never be happy in an abusive relationship.

I'm sorry to be harsh but I think you are deluding yourself if you think that you can just muddle through and things will be okay. Now that he has hit you once with no consequences, what will stop it happening again? Next time it will be because you 'wound him up' or did something else 'wrong.'

You need to have some faith in yourself. Read all the stories of women who left abusive relationships and are so much happier, which is what you want.

I had a terrible childhood. i had no support when my dd was born. my ex did hit me yes. but i left for the sake of my dd. but because you were hit as a child why do you have to repeat the cycle? i would never put my dd throw anything that happened to me i took the bad and made it good. why cant you?

i really don't mean to sound nasty but if you love your children then you will leave and get help.

Give your children what you never had make there life better but somehow i don't think you will i think you will hide away. your house doesn't sound like a very nice place to live at all. your children will hear you arguing and shouting at each other. children need love and guidance doesn't sound like they get any of this.

if you do want to leave phone woman's aid they will put you in a refuge but it will be a better life. go to a parenting class. but i still don't think you will.

Great. He hits you, you hit the children so it balances out. Win win.

OP, people here only have your best interests at heart. Your H does not.

He hit you in the face while breastfeeding what if he hit the baby on the way to swing for you? What if older DC walked in at that moment? What if he hit you harder, caught your eye/temple?

The 'what if's" are worth thinking through, because they could become reality very soon, when next he deems that you deserve a slap. He should have backed off and calmed the fuck down. No excuses. It doesn't need 'pouring over the details' - the one fact of what he did is enough (too much).

PLEASE think about this further instead of feeling that you have to put up and shut up. I don't think you will, though. Just know that, next time, MN will be here for you - don't ever feel you can't come back.

He thinks it's silly to go over your relationship - your answer could be 'well how can we stop things getting heated like they did the other day if we don't work out what the problem is?'

I rarely go out with DH but the last time we went out for a meal our relationship was struggling and the meal out made it worse because we actually talked about things! but it got things out and over the next few days/weeks we managed to work through it. The key is to keep communicating. Something like Relate would help you communicate and give you the skills to communicate better e.g without blaming each other (which just makes you defensive).

When he says your thread is silly, does he mean we're silly not to see that He Is Right?

I don't think it's ever right to continually undermine another person, let alone a person you think you love. Will he do it to your children as well? What will that do to them? What's it doing to you?

He says you're not coping, but how does he assess "coping"? Where's he getting his idea of coping? I don't believe he thinks picking at you for 'not coping' is in any way helpful. He can't be that thick! So what does he think you need help with, and how will he help?

If he's never done your job full-time, how does he know what coping looks like? It sounds to me as if you're not just coping, but doing your job really well. It is hard having a family; it changes your life so much. Maybe he's not coping so well with that?

Shouting about it won't make the kids disappear; I'm sure he wouldn't want them to anyway! So how about he gets on board with it all - instead of seeing "mess", see your beautiful children playing and enjoy them. Instead of feeling cross about being hungry, make food for your family. Instead of seeing a harassed wife, see an amazing woman who's created this wonderful family of yours.

There's no shame in looking around at other men with their families, taking cues from the happy families and learning a lesson from the stressy ones. No shame, either, in checking out what other people think of you and your family. I bet plenty would be envious of what you've got - I bet some even think they'd be a whole lot more appreciative! Nothing wrong with being proud that you're a family man and really, really enjoying it :)

Your apparent failure to cope (doesn't sound like you're failing to cope to me, except cope with HIM) is not something that should be used to beat you with.

So what if you weren't coping! When i wasn't coping my dh supported me and tried to help me. He didn't slag me off for it or use it as a reason to hit me.

Your partner is abusive and manipulative, he's even got you believing you deserved it.

I honestly think it you would be so much better off without him, in many ways.

Like pp say, there is no hope of this working because he will not even admit he is wrong! Until he accepts its HIM, nothing will change and even then it will take a lot of councilling and hard work to put right.

You are the scapegoat, get out of this relationship!-he has even said "your thread is silly"-Why is it silly?, there is nothing silly about it at all

To some extent I don't know why I am posting on this thread, as nothing anyone says is going to make an iota of difference.
I never think it's worth getting angry with a poster who is in obvious difficulties, despite the fact that sometimes you want to reach into the computer and shake them. That being said, some of your posts have made me roll my eyes skywards in disbelief.
You now hope that things will 'sort themselves out' and that if you become a better parent that will happen.
"we need to make the effort to get out sometimes"
I have not been out with my dh for over 2 years, but I tell you what, he doesn't hit me in the face whilst I am breast feeding.
If you won "mum of the decade" this situation won't change, don't kid yourself.

No Isla, I'm not sure why you're posting on my thread either.

Garlic and poopoo he sees any bad day ie mess, kids being naughty, me finding anything to moan about as an indicator of me not coping, or me failing to realise that this is what life with kids is like.

He is very ruled by my emotions in that if I am not firing on all cylinders he feels out of his depth,I think possibly I am the real backbone of the family and if he has to do more than his allotted duties it worries him. This I take as an indicator of his upbringing. His father is unable to make a meal, would struggle with paying a bill or supermarket shopping, certainly never did any childcare whilst left to his own devices. I'm not sure if this is because he doesn't want to or because mother in law just naturally took over those things, but I see fleeting glimpses of it in DH. He is a lot better than his dad though, he is a good cook, will put washing on and clean up and looks after the kids fine when I am not around. It's more the task of carrying everybody emotionally and organisationally that he finds daunting I think and he looks to me to be the family anchor. When I lose my temper (like with dd the other day) or feel down or upset and worried about something, he takes it as me not coping or a weakness. I don't think he means to, he is frightened of things he cannot easily fix.

I struggle to cope with him reacting like this to my weaknesses, I consider myself usually a competent person, but doesn't everyone want to give over the reins to someone else every now and then? Shouldn't I be able to? Does it make me a bad parent? No it bloody well doesn't.

Was this the first time he hit you? It won't be the last. You can analyse both your upbringings endlessly but it still won't make it ok. He assaulted you. While you were breastfeeding your baby. If you don't report it to the police & take action now your children will become victims of emotional abuse over the coming years by being subjected to witnessing violence. That's the bottom line.

And by the way - if any of your children mention that daddy hits mummy or either of you hit them to a professional eg nursery assistant, teacher or health visitor they will report it to social services & you'll have to go through an unpleasant investigation. Stop the cycle now.

Glad the book arrived.

You sound quite self-aware and aware of both your triggers and your DH's. I think counselling would be hugely beneficial for you both. A lot of men hate the very idea of counselling but it can really help.

DH and I were having counselling a few years ago and one session was the day after we had flown back to where we were living from a trip home. We had argued and bitched at each other from the time we got to the airport till we got home and were still annoyed at each other next day. Counsellor got us both to realise WHY we were behaving that way. DH was stressed because he knew I didn't particularly want to live where we were and seeing me upset saying goodbye to my family made him feel guilty and afraid that one day I would refuse to leave. I hated travelling back for much the same reasons and just find travelling stressful full stop! But until we explored it all I thought he was just being a grumpy git and he though I was just being a bitch!

It sounds like your DH has certain fixed ideas of how family life should pan out based on how his family worked. Which would be fine if he married his mother! You need to both work out how YOUR family will work. It will take talking and really thinking about your reactions to things. But it can be done.

However even if you do not go for counselling keep talking to him. Keep discussing how his reactions make you feel and how your reactions make him feel. Parenting is stressful. Marriage is hard work. Things just don't work themselves out. You both have to work at it.

Hope this didn't sound too patronising! Sorry if it did. I just started typing and carried on!

Well excuse me for giving a shit blackberry

isla, telling people it straight really doesn't teach them a lesson. It just makes them defensive. It has taken me 25 years to learn this, but finally I have learned it.

Blackberry, you describe a real dilemma: he is controlling and abusive, but also dependent on you. Ockytonga has this, I have this, you have this.

All I can say is: work on you.

1. Who gives a flying fuck what an emotional retard thinks about counselling: YOU go to counselling.
2. No friends? Reach out and make them/reconnect. He does not have to be there. SO WHAT what he does, says and thinks about this. You NEED this support, badly, do not let him isolate you.
3. Bad parenting and coping accusations? YOU make the decision to learn skills you were not taught. YOU stay calm secure in the knowledge that you don't do what you used to do, whatever he says.
4. Bad temper? Believe me when I tell you he chose you for it, and he provokes you into losing it. Go to said counselling to find out why/how to NOT respond to the provocation.

When you change, he will not have any choice of denial any more. Live for YOU and your children, Blackberry, he can decide to join you and become a better human being with you, or not.

Hello Blackberry.
First off, I would say well done for staying on this thread and listening to what posters are saying,even if you may not feel ready yet to do much of it.

You sound like you are going to stay with him,partly because you saw your mother leave and go to a refuge and come back again,and so you dont see the point in going.You are not your mother,no one person is ever exactly the same as their mother.Also I would imagine,that refuges have changed over the years.I have no experience of them,but all organisations change over time,so your mums experience in a refuge, would not be the exact same experience you would have.Just saying this for now,in case you may decide to go to one in the future.

The other thing I would like to say is,it seems to me,and you can correct me if I am wrong,is that your DH uses all of the "you are a bad mother","look at the house, it is a mess",etc etc phrases,when you want to say something about his behaviour.He uses those phrases so you feel you need to start defending yourself emotionally,instead of carrying on talking about him.
So what you need to say in these situations is "we are talking about you",when he tries to use one of the phrases to deflect attention away from himself.And when he carrys on,say "we are talking about you".You may need to say it a third time.
If you do that each time you need to bring up about his bad behaviour and he keeps trying to turn everything back to you then he will a.get the message, b.know you are serious, c.realise he cannot escape emotionally,and d.hopefully acknowledge at some point that yes,he does need to change his bad behaviour.

The difference here is that your parenting may not be perfect but there is a line that you never cross

He crosses that line

And this is the whole world of difference.

OP you and your dc absolutely are in danger. Find it within yourself to leave and never ever go back. You owe this to your dc - your foremost duty is to protect them.

for what it's worth i think islas comment was a spot on and quite nice , just because she's not all hugs n flowers about it, doesn't make her a cow.
how are things op? it's been said again and again, but i hope you do keep talking to each other, sorting things out can't be done by putting on a brave face and changing nothing.

and agree with wobbly

"your DH uses all of the "you are a bad mother","look at the house, it is a mess",etc etc phrases,when you want to say something about his behaviour.He uses those phrases so you feel you need to start defending yourself emotionally,instead of carrying on talking about him.
So what you need to say in these situations is "we are talking about you",when he tries to use one of the phrases to deflect attention away from himself.And when he carrys on,say "we are talking about you".You may need to say it a third time.
If you do that each time you need to bring up about his bad behaviour and he keeps trying to turn everything back to you then he will a.get the message, b.know you are serious, c.realise he cannot escape emotionally,"

absolutely spot on. And these are skills Blackberry has to learn, to not to get sucked in, not fall for it, not get her emotions roused, to stay calm.

It is this sort of thing that 'leave the bastard' doesn't deal with, because these are actually vital yet-to-learn strategies no matter what.

Once BB changes, he won't be able to get her like that. So BB has a lot of work ahead of her, to change her learned background patterns. It takes the focus off him and on to her: the one thing she can control.

BB, why don't you have any friends?

Just be aware that as you stand up to him more he is likely to step up the violence. Please read Lundy Bancroft's book - Why Does he do that? Inside the minds of angry & controlling men" You may recognise his behaviour in it.

I explained about my friendships unthread. It's basically a case of losing touch, not making an effort and circumstance. We have recently had a baby and I haven't been able to get out much. I work very unsociable hours usually.

I agree that is going to have to be me making a lot of the changes. I simply don't need to get drawn into criticism all the time. He does attack as the first form of defence when we have arguments. So do I, as a result we rarely get anywhere.

This weekend we have been better, I think. Both with the children and with each other.

Nothing here can be justified. Neither his violence to you nor your violence to your children. In fact, the second is more worrying than the first.

He's an abusive, controlling bully.

So why is it YOU that needs to be making most of the changes?

Do you think if you stop reacting, he will stop being abusive?

Either he will up the ante even more to get you to react.

Or, he will quiet down, but that just means you have to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life.

As SGB always says, he's just a man. The sun does not shine out of his arse, there's no reason the whole world should revolve around him.

If this is a temporary strategy while you work out how to get away from him, that's one thing. But you sound like you're talking about a long-term strategy for living with an abusive man. That's madness.

I have read only the OP, I so often try to see the other side (as in pressure, MH issues etc etc) Not this time - he hit you while you were feeding your baby! This is a no brainer - GET HIM OUT!! Yes it will be a logistical nightmare but there are ladies here who will get you through it, first call should be to the police.

So, you are staying with him? Im speechless - your children are going to be deeply affected by his violence and the way he treats you, when will it be their turn? But of course, he wont hurt his children will he - just before the first time he hit you, you thought he would never hit you!