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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH hit me in the face last night and he's not sorry.

426 replies

Blackberryinoperative · 29/08/2012 10:30

My DH hit me in the face last night while I was breastfeeding our baby. He is not sorry. He says he has "forgiven me" for our argument, why can't I forgive him?

I told him he is not forgiven. I am really angry at him but the worst thing is he is not sorry. He doesn't think he was wrong. He did it because I told him to fuck off three times. He warned me to stop saying it but I carried on. He says swearing in front of the children is just as tantamount to violence as hitting.

I am not a weak person or an apologist but I really am nonplussed as to how to take it from here. Separating will be hell on earth. Not because we are so in love or anything but just logistically things will be a complete nightmare. How do I make him see he was wrong to hit me? And that swearing sometimes does not a bad parent make?

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 29/08/2012 12:55

You should drop the sarky snideness first. Then actually reread this thread and take from it the genuine, practical advice people have made. Then consider how you can make your DC's lives more secure. You could make a difference here if you want to. There is loads of help available to help you parent effectively without violence, and help to distance yourself from a violent adult relationship. If you want it.

Original poster
Blackberryinoperative · 29/08/2012 12:57

If I sound defensive chickens it's because I feel attacked.

OP posts:
SoleSource · 29/08/2012 12:58

I am working class. I never hit my child.

BIWI · 29/08/2012 12:59

You haven't been attacked. People have been trying to help you, but you seem determined not to accept this, or any of the advice that has been given to you.

Stop with the self-pity and start planning what action you are going to take.

ShirleyKnot · 29/08/2012 12:59

I think some of this is being misunderstood by you OP. I think that you're seeing calls for you to get some help from various agencies are as a "punishment" for you using physical force to reprimand your children.

I do not believe this to be the case, I think that the vast majority on this thread want you to get help because your husband smacked you in the face while you were holding your child! This is incredibly shocking, barrier breaking behaviour and I urge you, so strongly, to report him to the police or at the very least to call women's aid.

Men who will smack you in the face are BASTARDS who do not give a flying fuck - they are dangerous, dangerous individuals, and a man who will HIT YOU while you are nursing your baby is the scum of the earth.

Most people on MN (and me TBH) are anti smacking, and I think it's all getting mixed up for you here.

Leaving that issue to one side, he hit you, in the face while you were feeding your baby. It's terribly, terribly sad and awful.

BlackberryIce · 29/08/2012 12:59

Can't see what working class has to to do with abuse. It happens in all classes...

RavenVonChaos · 29/08/2012 12:59

you need to get help and protect yourself and your children.

Supposing he missed you and punched your baby in the head? You would be in A&E with a whole load of questions being asked about a non-accidental injury......your baby will be removed from your care (possibly if you didn't cooperate and tell them what he did) at worst - a dead or very badly injured child. GET OUT NOW AND GET HELP

pumpkinsweetie · 29/08/2012 12:59

Where does "class" come in to it!!!Confused

titchy · 29/08/2012 13:00

Oh that's OK then as long as they have better lives than SOME children its perfectly fine that compared to the life they could have it's a crap one. Hmm

You're the one calling yourself the bad guy and blithering on about ss and being a martyr.

Get your dh out (either temporarily or permenently), sort out your own self esteem and anger issues. Then look at your parenting skills and how you coudl improve them.

Your are not doiong yourself or your kids any favours by being a martyr, saying they'll be OK becuase you love them, or carrying on papering over the cracks.

But I doubt you'll do anything.... so Biscuit

BlackberryIce · 29/08/2012 13:01

What you need to do IMO, is log it with the police, today...... Why wouldn't you?

pumpkinsweetie · 29/08/2012 13:02

Children from all classes are entitled to happy childhoods, just because you are from a middle class family does not make this situation any better than that of a low class or working family.

SoleSource · 29/08/2012 13:02

She stated she is middle class etc

dreamingbohemian · 29/08/2012 13:02

OP I want to be clear and say that what your husband did to you was inexcusable and really you should be calling the police.

I think people are addressing your behaviour because your attitudes toward violence generally are concerning (e.g. what your husband needs is a good smack, live by the sword die by the sword, etc.)

In no way do you deserve to be hit, please don't think that for a second.

But people are looking at the entire picture from the perspective of your children and it's very worrying.

Ideally you would call the police on your husband, get him out of the house, and then if you still have issues with anger yourself get some parenting help (although I really think with him gone you would not need this).

But you don't seem willing to call the police or get him to leave. Without this, nothing will improve, which is where you do start to become culpable in the violence your children are exposed to.

Your husband is the real problem here. He needs to go.

Original poster
Blackberryinoperative · 29/08/2012 13:03

Sole source why do you seem to pick on everything I say. It's not aimed at you. You sound like you want to believe I am a bad mother and as such deserve to be hit by my DH.

I didn't mean to hurt my dd I was tired of her ignoring my reasonable request, DH was sat beside her ignoring her behaviour and I got angry. Not the best way to go and I am truly sorry for it.

Him smacking me one in the face is another league in my book. I was holding our little baby and trying to get her to sleep. The argument with dd had been sorted out ages before.

OP posts:
BIWI · 29/08/2012 13:03

Yes. So what are you going to do about it?

SoleSource · 29/08/2012 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

dreamingbohemian · 29/08/2012 13:06

x-post

I don't think you should be the one to leave the house. The children should stay at home and you should stay with them.

Could he go stay with family for a while? Do you think he would agree voluntarily?

You could call the police and get a protection order against him, which would take care of that problem for a while. You haven't said why you don't want to do this -- what is the major obstacle for you?

Original poster
Blackberryinoperative · 29/08/2012 13:06

I think Shirley you are right. I feel so guilty that I was a bad parent to dd yesterday, it has coloured my view on responses.

I do wish I was a better mum. I know class is irrelevant I was trying to describe our home that's all. My family have been working class as well and very poor. I was just trying to describe where we are at now.

Something broke inside me last night though. I knew it was the end.

OP posts:
delilahlilah · 29/08/2012 13:06

I have not read the whole thread, but just wanted to say:
a) a man who hits you and thinks it's justified is NOT going to change.
b) a man who hits you while you are holding his child does not consider the safety / welfare of his child
c) I think if you report him and get him out of the house the atmosphere at home and your relationship with your children is likely to improve as you should be less stressed out.
d) you have been honest about your reactions to your children and you can get support for this

Seriously OP, think carefully about staying as the normal pattern in similar circumstances is for violence to escalate.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 29/08/2012 13:07

What advice do you want, OP? What do you want to hear? Because I'm confused as to what it is you think you need here. Your husband hit you. There is no way of justifying that in any way. A grown man hit you. You, who he is supposed to love. The mother of his children. He hit you in the face because you had an argument. It's indefensible. So, surely you can't be too surprised that people are advising you to separate from him? That your relationship has gone beyond salvagable? That it is damaging to your children? That violence in a home is always damaging? Do you want people to say it's ok? Not that bad? A one off? Sorry, can't.

BlackberryIce · 29/08/2012 13:07

If you hit her now in frustration, then how will you handle the teen years? You need a parenting course

If your DH left and tried for full residency based on your hitting dc how would you fare in court?

dreamingbohemian · 29/08/2012 13:08

People, attacking the OP is not helpful.

We've all read a million threads where there is violence and the OP doesn't do anything about it but let's not release that frustration on this poster.

Chictactoe · 29/08/2012 13:08

Good post Delilah

ShirleyKnot · 29/08/2012 13:08

Oh come on now.

When my children were small, I lost my temper once or twice and smacked their legs. I'm not proud of it, but it happened and if someone called me a child abuser I would laugh in their face. Hmm

That is not helpful on a thread where a woman has been hit by her husband while feeding their baby. Hmm

Abitwobblynow · 29/08/2012 13:09

Seriously, I don't know why Blackberry is getting all this hassle. AF has form on coming in too strong, too soon yes AnyFucker you know you have been pulled up on this before.

And to react to a fragile person's defensiveness is NOT fair MN.

Blackberry, if it is any help at all, I know where you are coming from. I know how unsupported you are, how alone, how blamed. It's shit.

So I will just repeat what I said before: stay calm, start untangling the strands. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Maybe in a very calm time you can say to him, very calmly, that you were desperately hurt and shocked by the fact that he punched you in the face, that you would like to hear that he is sorry and regrets it so you know you are cared about, and that if it ever happens again you will report him because that isn't really normal behaviour.

CALMLY. And with no expectations of an outcome (which would be a power struggle). Just you calmly stating your truth.