DH hit me in the face last night and he's not sorry.

[Blackberryinoperative]

My DH hit me in the face last night while I was breastfeeding our baby. He is not sorry. He says he has "forgiven me" for our argument, why can't I forgive him?

I told him he is not forgiven. I am really angry at him but the worst thing is he is not sorry. He doesn't think he was wrong. He did it because I told him to fuck off three times. He warned me to stop saying it but I carried on. He says swearing in front of the children is just as tantamount to violence as hitting.

I am not a weak person or an apologist but I really am nonplussed as to how to take it from here. Separating will be hell on earth. Not because we are so in love or anything but just logistically things will be a complete nightmare. How do I make him see he was wrong to hit me? And that swearing sometimes does not a bad parent make?

He's hitting, you're hitting
You're swearing, he's threatening

Man, what a horrible way to live.

You both have big issues with anger. You can change this but you do need proper help.

I think it's positive that you own up to your flaws and I also feel for you as I too grew up with violence and meanness and struggled to manage my relationships with my husband and children.

You describe yourself as fierce and I would urge you to draw on your fierceness to tackle your anger problems, to ask for professional help and make a commitment to reduce/cut out swearing and hitting.

With regard to your husband, you need to make it clear to him that you do not and will not be hit, and that he is actually teaching the children exactly what he protests against.

It is possible to get through this, either on your own or together if your husband is committed to change.

You can both do better than has been done to you, but you do need to start right now.

I know telling him to fuck off while I was breastfeeding was horrid, but he does wear me down and interrogate me, usually starts a discussion as I am trying to wind the baby down for sleep. We were in bed, baby was dozing and it's not fair.

I was also pretty disappointed in my own behaviour towards dd and if he had talked to me nicely we could have discussed a better way next time, but he kept pushing the fact that I am shite, this family is crap, the kids are going to hate me, blah blah blah. So I reacted. Then he whacked me in the face.

I can't be that crap or shit because this morning he was trying to kiss me, cuddle me, make my breakfast and happily left his kids at my mercy for the rest of the day while he fucked off down the gym then to work.

You clearly have problems parenting, as does he. Or, actually, your parenting team has problems.

I consider myself a good parent. I don't hit DS and rarely shout. I usually find ways of getting him to realise the effects of his behaviour or find ways around it.

BUT, when ex was at home, the stress was so unbearable at times that I would have shouting matches and not really mind about DS until he started crying. I would lose my temper much, much faster and be really tempted to hit him.

This could be a turning point episode. Where either you both realise that you need to form a proper parenting team (and a married team, if you do love each other), or that you are better apart.

The problem here is that he seems dismissive of any issues and he's putting you down and your family. That's not healthy at all. He would need to realise it, and how abusive that is.
From what you say, not sure that will happen.

I don't see it as an acceptable way to parent offred. I felt pretty terrible after and apologised to my dd.

I never said I thought it was the way to be.

What do you want to happen? I mean, you know you can't make him "see" he was wrong to hit you so what can you do that could move you on from this point?

but he does wear me down and interrogate me, usually starts a discussion as I am trying to wind the baby down for sleep.

I totally relate to that and it's crap. :(

It is abusive.

His reaction this morning is also typical of the abusive, violent, type. :(
As if nothing happened, but trying to be nice so that you fell bad for not "forgiving" him.

On the slap, I would give him a warning for now. It is serious enough, and I understand that with all the possible effects, you don't feel ready to take the final step yet. And any other instances would mean immediate separation.
Just be aware that it's very likely to happen again.

The problem now is that you'll probably think twice about telling him to fuck off and wonder what is going to warrant the next slap.
Not healthy at all.

He could have chosen to walk away, but he didn't. He assaulted you.

I just don't see any other way than walking away. I don't think you are ever going to agree. You both seem to be competitive and stubborn over who is worse. I dont see why your doing something to improve how you deal with parenting is dependent on him speaking to you nicely. Him hitting you is as wrong as you hitting the children. I don't see the difference. He could report you for assaulting them just as you could him. I just think you are not really grasping the seriousness of the parenting problems. Ok, you know it isn't right, but what are you doing about it? It doesn't sound like you have any kind of relationship worth having and you may be much better parents if you are apart. I can't see how a warning would help if you don't and won't agree on anything and competitively hurt each other. But no, you are not the worst mother in the world.

I bet you are actually quite a good mother as like you say your biggest critic who is not emotionally involved just trots off to work.

Do talk to women's aid - it is not all about physical violence and in any case you were physically assaulted.
The oldest is 7 so what will happen if she goes to school upset after an incident and tells the school? The SS will appear and want to help but also will question why you didn't seek help earlier.
Most parents loose it at sometime with their kids and behave in ways they'd rather they didn't and that may include slapping or physical punishment. If you remember the baby books about dealing with unconsolable infants and when you can take no more the advice is to put the baby down somewhere safe and take a time out yourself - I guess it is a way of stopping parents at the end of their tethers shaking a crying baby. And the fact that the advice is there suggests being at the end of your tether is quite common.
Sounds as if your 7-year-old is feeling a bit left out. This is where a good father would take some pressure off you and take her out and give her special time while you bf. But instead he criticises.
Have you got anyone to help with the DCs? A family member to take DD out? Someone to cuddle the baby while you play with her?
That might help get you the break you need to change your parenting, but he has assaulted you. What would have happened if the baby had moved her head and got in the way of his hand?

I want him to be sorry.

I want him to accept that I am trying to be a good mother. Sometimes I fall, but I am trying to be better, and I would appreciate some help once in a while.

I sometimes think we would be better apart, but it never made things better for my parents, they got worse and there was the bitterness of the family and financial seperations to deal with on top.

You are not your mother blackberry.

I don't think he will be sorry. He would be if he was going to. He has decided to harangue, parent and belittle you when you don't behave how he wants and to abdicate himself rather than help. You can't change this, only he can and e would have to want to. You can only decide, based on who he is right now, if you want to be with him or not.

OK I get that, but only he can make those things happen.

What you need to focus on is what you can do. Certainly you can talk to him and let him know that's what you want from him, but holding out for his behaviour to change is not the way to go.

You can however change how you behave, how you react to him and to the children. But I think you need some good support.

Clearly your children mean the world to you and you do have insight into your behaviour so I think there is a lot of hope for you.

As to your parents' behaviour, again, you don't need to be like them.

You don't have to break up over this, but obviously you are ready to tackle your problems.

There are suggestions upthread for agencies to contact and generally those places interconnect with other help agencies. Maybe give them a try? You and your kids are worth it.

Oh right so because I smacked my dd on the leg i am no better than a baby shaker who deserves a knock from ss. Great.

No-one is saying that. What people are saying is that hitting/being physical with your dcs is against the law except in very particular circumstances and if the dcs mention it in school safeguarding procedures may be instigated which may culminate in a visit from SS. You should be aware of that and that just because you are not beating her black and blue every Friday night and leaving her home alone to go out to the pub doesn't mean what you are doing wouldn't provoke safeguarding procedures being invoked. If they did come they would just try to support you to deal with the situations in a better way.

If you imagine slapping DH's leg and pulling him off the sofa because he was being rude maybe you will see what I mean?

That is what has been severely lacking in his life up until now and if I had the strength I would do just that to him.

But I do think it is a separate issue to him hitting you and you should not at all ever entertain a thought that he was right, reasonable or justified in doing that. He was very wrong and if he did it as a calculated punishment in my opinion all the worse.

Id love him to go to work worrying that his nose was broken. I'd love him to try and protect a sleeping child from an assault in his own bed.

Me smacking my dd on the leg is not the same and I just don't accept that explanation. You don't know me or my children.

He did not do it to show me a lesson. He doesn't like me answering back thats why he did it.

OP i am sorry but if this is the first time and he already doesnt feel any remorse then it will only get worse, I know because i have been in this position. Do not worry about social services taking your child away from you, THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN I promise you. They want to keep famillies together.

And i only say about the child being taken because thats what my STBXH had convinced me would happen if i left him, he would make sure of it.

No living breathing person would take my children away from me, don't worry about that.

Not him, not anyone.

Your dh is abusive, physically and mentally
This isn't good for your baby, staying together is good for none of you.
Nothing i repeat nothing warrants hitting the mother of their child especially whilst breastfeeding , what if he had missed you and hit the baby?

Seriously get out of this relationship before he turns on you again!
Men like this do not change, he will always make you feel like your the bad guy as an excuse to manipulate and bully you.
Do not look into what YOU did wrong, he DID wrong, HE hit you because he couldn't control his temper and he has used your swearing to lay blame on you.
None of this is your fault, like you say there is no love lost between you so make the break-logistics do not matter , your life and your dcs lifes can be better

OP - I feel for you. Your situation is very difficult.

I struggle to cope with my children (ASD 7 year old, wildly hormonal 13 year old with bags of attitude, 8 year ds prone to hypochondria and hissy fits), and have smacked all of them over the past few years and shouted, even though I profoundly disapprove of smacking and shouting.

I don't know how much worse things would have been without the support of DH. I can't bring myself to imagine it. Parents need to back each other up and help each other in what is really the biggest shared project anyone will ever undertake. DH and I can see when the other person is not coping and we step forward to help and support, not undermine and criticise.

Your DH is damaging your children by not supporting you to manage their behaviour more effectively.

Look after yourself.

I meant to say not good for none of you-silly phone