DH hit me in the face last night and he's not sorry.

[Blackberryinoperative]

My DH hit me in the face last night while I was breastfeeding our baby. He is not sorry. He says he has "forgiven me" for our argument, why can't I forgive him?

I told him he is not forgiven. I am really angry at him but the worst thing is he is not sorry. He doesn't think he was wrong. He did it because I told him to fuck off three times. He warned me to stop saying it but I carried on. He says swearing in front of the children is just as tantamount to violence as hitting.

I am not a weak person or an apologist but I really am nonplussed as to how to take it from here. Separating will be hell on earth. Not because we are so in love or anything but just logistically things will be a complete nightmare. How do I make him see he was wrong to hit me? And that swearing sometimes does not a bad parent make?

The more I read, you both sound as aggressive as each other, tbh. Obviously he's crossed a very serious line by hitting you but, with all the swearing going on and children being walloped, it sounds like a pretty nasty environment all round. If you tend to goad each other when together and it ends up in violence towards either the children or each other, that's another very good reason to split up.

Is he trying to parent you? Is he making the point he felt you were making about the disciplining of the children? Thinking if he hits you you will see how wrong it is to hit the children?

Whatever is going on it sounds a toxic environment. I'm not sure there would be any way out other than splitting up because if he has hit you you cannot risk going for couples counselling. You both probably need individual counselling and help to unpick your unhelpful learned parenting behaviour. Knowing what is going wrong is a great first step.

I doubt you are the worst mum in the world btw. It is hard to overcome having learned damaging parenting from your parents. Whether you are good parent or not depends on you identifying what you are doing wrong and actually doing things to change it.

Sometimes we are great. We agree on things, we both actually do a hell of a lot to make our children's environment better than we had. They don't want for anything, they have lots of time with us evenings and weekends. But whenever there is a bump in the road, like dd giving attitude or baby having teething troubles, he can't seem to accept it as part of parenting, but a failure on my part.

His mother is a smoother overer and makes sure his dad never knows about any trouble in the household so I think he subconsciously expects the same from me. Whereas I expect more input from him. And when I don't get it I feel backed into a corner and lash out.

OP you were assaulted. That is the only thing to worry about right now. Nobody has the right to hit another in the face out of temper. End of story. No matter what, that is assault.

First you need to deal with that and then you need to sort the rest out.

A lot of the time he does try to parent me I feel. He holds a very low opinion of my family and the way I was brought up. He feels I am unruly at times and embarrassing. Because I speak my mind and am not what you would call meek and mild.

OP, 99% of woman stay with a man who hits her for this exact reason. She does something and he hits her. She knows what she did wasnt 100% reasonable or that maybe she shouldnt have pushed that hard, etc, etc. As a result, she feels partly responsible because she isnt perfect either. There is NO valid reason for a man to hit a woman. No matter what she said, did, should have done, shouldnt have done.

Physical violence from any partner is totally unacceptable to say the least. It sounds like you are not good for each other and probably would be better off apart. Get some support from a parents group. None of us are perfect. Swearing isn't right and shouldn't happen. Violence is another level.

Lots of different issues here.

I won't comment on the violence as I am not qualified.

I know exactly where you are coming from. I had the same harsh judgemental upbringing as you, and an unsupportive H.

This issue: you are basically on your own trying to rear children with VERY bad role models. Nobody has taught you different skills.

This is your issue, and you need to deal with it. I can hear how much you love your children, so don't worry about that. You can learn these skills, really! You CAN be a different mother to your own.
Please get a copy of that wonderful child rearing book by Penelope Leach. As I came from a background like yours, that book was my bible. What it does, is explain things from a child's point of view. When you know this, you can judge when and how to step in in a loving way. Also, watch Supernanny. Jo Frost is very good about spotting acting up, checking it, giving warnings, acting on the warnings.

The other thing I did was when I was losing it like you did, tired, trying to BF and deal with a little one who was trying to get your attention, was I imagined that there was a camera in the corner of the room and a socialworkerpolicemantherapist on the other end watching me.

It really worked and stopped me giving in to urges. I spoke softly when I wanted to scream, stroked when I wanted to hit, and I faked it till I made it.

And last really important advice of all: please do this. PRAISE your D any time you can. Any time she does something good, comment on it. 'You are being so nice to the baby, how I love my kind little girl/look how nicely you are tying your shoelaces/WHATEVER. The more you praise good behaviour, the more of it you get.
She acted up because she was in a vacuum. You were ignoring her. Could H read her a book if you asked him?

Please work hard on this, good luck with your H. What you describe, the wanting everything to be nice all the time, is a very wierd modern male phenomena. They don't get that you are so hard because they are so soft.

You have my real sympathy, but don't kid yourself that you mustn't do anything about it. Please act (reading, thinking about it) to learn to become a gentler, more accessible Mum.

I just don't know what to do.

Is this going to be one of those threads, I wonder ?

AnyFucker that is a disgusting comment.

You have to recognise the seriousness of what happened by asking him to leave so that everyone can at least calm down, think about it and not just carry on as if there's no problem. This means you are safe from a repeat performance and he gets the message that he has behaved unacceptably. Then you need to do some serious thinking about what you want for yourself and your children and how you're going to get that. You've got the MN opinion here that you can't tolerate violence... talk to Womens Aid, friends and get as much perspective and information as you can. Put yourself #1 in the picture and work out what kind of life you'd like... It's an opportunity.

The OP smacked her child. People do that. I know it's unpopular on mumsnet but it's part of a lot of people's parenting. It's not great but it is a world away from one adult hitting the other in the face. I agree it sounds like there are lots of problems here for the OP - but that's to be expected because happy people working in partnership tend not to hit each other.
The Op's H wanted her to be quiet so he hit her in the face. That's not acceptable.

You can break this cycle OP. You might be resembling your own family at the moment but you can change things so that they are better for your children in the future.

What are the logistic problems with splitting, perhaps someone can help advise? A lot of us here have been through the same sort of thing.

I agree you need to deal with the relationship first and the parenting issues later.

I was brought up a bit like you and that is how I tend to react too. It's horrible and I hate it. I bought a book called 123 Magic which really helped me to have a strategy to head off an explosion. It's available on Amazon. My DS is now 11 so much easier!

Your DH should not have hit you. Ever. End of.

But tbh you really do need to learn strategies to control your reactions. Sitting breast feeding your baby while shouting at your DH to fuck off is horrible.

Actually PM me your address if you like and I will send you my copy of the book as I don't need it now. Maybe if you both read it and put the strategies in place you will both be parenting the same way so there will be less aggression all round.

How you deal with the slap is another matter. Has he hit you before?

I'm sorry OP. I think you do know what you have to do, it's just very hard and you don't want to have to do it.

That's totally understandable, change is hard and this is a huge change and no wonder you wish it could all go away.

But that doesn't change the fact that you must do something. You cannot continue raising your children in this kind of atmosphere, you say yourself it's exactly what you did not want to happen.

You have to separate from your husband and get help with your parenting. That's a huge order but there are people there to help you.

Don't try looking too far down the road. Anything can happen. Focus on what has to happen now. Obviously you love your children, you have to do what's best for them. Violence is the single worst thing you can expose them to.

Thanks abitwobblynow.

She wasnt acting up for my attention, she was ignoring three or four nice requests to do something, she is 7 going on 17!

Believe me that child is praised to high heaven, believe me she is my world. I cuddle, stroke, chat to and encourage her endlessly and will do so while there is breath in my body.

My own mother was the same as me. Fiercely loving, but.... Well. Fierce too. You didn't mess with her. But I knew she loved me like nobody else ever would.

Btw you may find your own parenting issues are easier to deal with when your husband is not around anymore.

Try writing down all the logistical issues, one by one. I bet the wise ladies here can walk you through every one of them.

He assaulted you op :( don't let him away with it or this could turn into a regular thing with him . Do you really want your children growing up watching their dad beat their mum ? :(
As for your dd being rude , how old is she ? trust me as a mum of a teenage ds , removing privileges and pocket money works much better than a slap .

You need to separate to have a hope in hell of giving your children a secure upbringing. This sounds like a very dysfunctional situation all round. Show your children that decent relationships should never tolerate violence, and vow never to raise your hand to any of your children ever again. This is a cycle, but it can be broken if you put in the work. But you cannot fix this for your DC if you stay together. Thhink about the messages you are sending out.

You can do all the stroking and cuddling you like op but it doesn't mean it is ok to be physically violent with your children no matter your own upbringing. You havent a leg to stand on saying he is wrong to hit you when you are in a vulnerable position but seeing violence against your vulnerable children as a discipline strategy.

It sounds a bit like you don't really see the violence you expose them to as wrong. It makes me wonder if he was trying to make a point by hitting you when you couldn't do anything about it and were being rude.

It is all absolutely unacceptable though. The relationship sounds wrong and you both need to sort yourselves out. If his point is that hitting the children is not a parenting strategy then I agree with him, but he is absolutely completely wrong to hit you in order to make that point and it is a sign of the end of the relationship.