DH hit me in the face last night and he's not sorry.

[Blackberryinoperative]

My DH hit me in the face last night while I was breastfeeding our baby. He is not sorry. He says he has "forgiven me" for our argument, why can't I forgive him?

I told him he is not forgiven. I am really angry at him but the worst thing is he is not sorry. He doesn't think he was wrong. He did it because I told him to fuck off three times. He warned me to stop saying it but I carried on. He says swearing in front of the children is just as tantamount to violence as hitting.

I am not a weak person or an apologist but I really am nonplussed as to how to take it from here. Separating will be hell on earth. Not because we are so in love or anything but just logistically things will be a complete nightmare. How do I make him see he was wrong to hit me? And that swearing sometimes does not a bad parent make?

It's so depressing I feel trapped by my responses and reactions to domestic life.

BB I can confirm that I was hugely situationally depressed by exactly the life you describe. That is why I gave you the hints I did.

Can you make friends? Join NCT. I made some great mates through NCT. Really really dear friends that are here today. Join all coffee mornings and volunteer groups you can. Now that you know you cannot rely on H (I was blind to why I was so lonely and depressed), now is the time to develop a wider support network.

You are not a bad person, your honesty is rare. Take a deep breath and reach out.

Garlic I have seen your advice on a number of threads and it is usually very insightful and understanding. You gave an excellent summary above.

Blackberry, I am learning what garlic has put so well. One of the things that is screaming at me is what I read from Lundy Bancroft (an American who writes a lot on DV)
Often, emotional abuse builds over a long period of time until it becomes so unbearable that victims lash out in frustration and anger, only to appear --unstable and aggressive themselves. This, according to Hirigoyen, is the intent of many abusers: to systematically "destabilize" and confuse their victims (with irrational, threatening behavior that preys on the victim's fears and self-doubts), to isolate and control them and ultimately to destroy their identity.
I cant find the reference right now, but he also says that women will lash out at their children when they are feeling so powerless in their relationship.

The abuser is very very concerned with their image....they have to project an image of the person they would like to be as they actually loathe the person they are.

I would add to this that you cannot fix him no matter how much you love him.
Like others I urge you to contact your local police. You WILL cope without him, you will be the EXCELLENT mother that you long to be.

He would never and I mean never forgive me. He is very very bothered with what other people think.

That is also typical of this type of man (person, really).

But, as others said, does it matter whether he forgives you or not?

For my ex, the big problem was that I called the police (he didn't really think I would), not that he was violent towards me twice (and then more).

OP, what about whether you can forgive him for hitting you in the face while you held a sleeping baby

Now that is the unforgiveable action here

Next time he hits you, he will be less circumspect at avoiding baby's head. A very definite line has been crossed. He is now aware he can do such a heinous thing with no consequences for him. That is a very heady and intoxicating head-fuck for a violent man with control issues.

We are worried for you, OP. We are worried for your safety, and that of your children. It is rather more likely he will start on them as they grow older, and start to exert their independence and "fiestiness".

I don't have any friends.

Not close ones.

Why don't you have any (close) friends ? Has he isolated you from them ?

Blackberry, you say your Mum never once had a visit from SS - how long ago are we talking about ?

Not really, it's complicated. I have to go now he will be back soon. Will return later on.

Thank you for correcting me, Nigel. I realise I was either misinformed or out of date.

I thought Larry's post was reasonable in the context of this thread. I've noticed that some posters tend to pounce on an OP's admission of imperfection and tear away at it, sadly replicating what the partner does. I don't think you're any kind of a bad parent, OP, and am glad you're starting to give yourself the credit you deserve.

Blackberry I think things have changed in the way DV is treated, we never saw a social worker but now there's more emphasis on making sure the kids are okay.

You sound like you love your children very much. My abusive XH used to slag me off about various things and it destroyed my confidence. I don't have children, but I can imagine how hideous it is to have your husband get on at you about the way you parent. Criticism is what abusive men do to wear us down and make us vulnerable - or quiet.

I think you should call the police and they can make your husband leave, at least temporarily. That would give you a bit of breathing space to decide what to do next.

More hugs x

Ah porridgelover that's what I was trying to get at.

oh for crying out loud bakedcheesywhatsit
Pile in on an abused woman why dont you
It takes a special type of bully to kick someone on the floor

Not sure it is flawed logic. At what point does abused become abuser? Most abusive people have learned to abuse from being the victim of abuse in some way I think. What porridgelover was saying is what I was trying to get at. Although the magnitude of violence differs in each situation and they are separate issues they can't be separated and need to be seen as part of the same thing. Being abused involves dangerous normalisation of damaging behaviour, some people mirror that abuse with other people. This is why I've been concerned from the start about the attitude towards violence generally. That comment is just very blunt. I think it needs to be seen altogether and in this context (abusive parents and now spouse) I don't think it is ok to just say "everybody loses it" I think it is part of a bigger picture actually.

Think it is something really important for the op to be aware of actually, there are red flags here.

I agree and disagree Offred. Without wanting to be too academic about it when OP needs support.

What I was trying to say (and didnt very well) was that if Blackberry is in a position where her DH is in the dominant role in her marriage, if he is also 'damaged' (in the garlic sense above) then her role is to be the victim. So she will naturally seek power-over somewhere else....and kids are the perfect targets.

He needs to look good in the eyes of the world, he doesnt feel good inside, so he seeks to feel better than her by belittling her.

She doesnt feel good inside, she is in a stressful position (as would anyone who is dealing with bouncing 7yo), she seeks support (from the one person who should, the one person who cannot give any of his power to her) and when it is not forthcoming, loses it with the child, although the correct target should be DH. She has seen what happens when she did stand up to him, so the child is the logical person to act out on.

And probably at some level, OP, you felt cowed by him before now.
I doubt this was the first time that he has threatened you, even if it was a first hit.

DH wont/cant give her support...that would make her his equal or his better....which is not on as far as he is concerned.

Blackberry I hope this does not come across as patronising to you.
I have been where you are with a very domineering and abusive partner.
You may not even see him in those terms, I didnt.
I am ashamed to say that there was a lot of shouting at my DC which stopped very shortly after we split.

I think there is a very big difference
We all know that it is very unusual for an abusive man to stop beating up his partner.

Parents who smack their children for want of better parenting strategies can and do change.

And children who are occasionally smacked by their parents are rarely better off for being removed. Women who are being subjected to DV are always better off out.

I am not talking about parents beating their children and thinking it is their right to do so. I do not condone child abuse.

YY I know, and I think it is sensitive really isn't it? Really also just another reason to split up to me.

Mrsdevere - ok but I don't think that is strictly what is happening here. The whole environment is abusive and the op I think has some fairly dangerous beliefs about physical violence (it is wrong but ok as long as there is an apology) which when coupled with the idea that everyone seems to agree on, that the frustration of dealing with her husband is affecting her ability to deal with the children, make for a situation which worries me and I don't think it would be helpful to anyone to minimise it actually. That being a completely different thing to hand wringing about "the children" and calling "child abuser".

I won't disagree with that offred
The op's wording and defensive minimising could be worrying but it's impossible to tell from the Internet iyswim.

I suspect that the stress she is living under is contributing to her physically punishing her child and her background + current relationship risks normalising it.

My response was to the hand wringing posts you refer to.

Hi Blackberry. Hope you are ok this evening. Not sure if you picked up my post earlier but I am happy to send you the book 123 Magic - its about managing to discipline your children without shouting etc. It really helped me. I am an explode first and regret later type. This gave me a method of calming myself down so I could deal with DS. PM me your address and I can pop it in the post tomorrow. It may help you and at least if you feel you are doing something constructive you won't be feeling so bad about one aspect of all this.

And breathing space and working on yourself might give you the means and resolution to look at the whole situation a bit more objectively. I think you if you feel more positive about your parenting skills you will feel more in control generally and as such be able to deal with your DH's comments better. And then you can decide what to do about continuing in the relationship.

Blackberry, I've read your whole thread and I just wanted to say that this is not your fault. I think you know that. You oh's behaviour is symptomatic of the mental abuse which will often precede physical abuse in an abusive relationship. Do NOT believe it- you don't sound like a bad mother. He just criticises your parenting because it's the most effective way of getting to you. Of weakening you so you will brush that punch in the face under the carpet. Which is what he wants.

Never thought I'd agree with one of Larry's posts on here, but I do. First time for everything I suppose.

Blackberry try to focus on the nice posts. There are many, many of them.

On an internet forum you will of course draw a range of responses and you are also an easy target as you are very vulnerable.

But you are not helping yourself by wallowing in self pity or leaping into argument with angry posters.

I believe you posted in here because you feel stuck and you really want to make change. You can do that, but you do need to be a bit sensible.

You do have choices and you do have some excellent advice in here. I really hope you choose to take some, this could be the start of a much better life.