DH hit me in the face last night and he's not sorry.

[Blackberryinoperative]

My DH hit me in the face last night while I was breastfeeding our baby. He is not sorry. He says he has "forgiven me" for our argument, why can't I forgive him?

I told him he is not forgiven. I am really angry at him but the worst thing is he is not sorry. He doesn't think he was wrong. He did it because I told him to fuck off three times. He warned me to stop saying it but I carried on. He says swearing in front of the children is just as tantamount to violence as hitting.

I am not a weak person or an apologist but I really am nonplussed as to how to take it from here. Separating will be hell on earth. Not because we are so in love or anything but just logistically things will be a complete nightmare. How do I make him see he was wrong to hit me? And that swearing sometimes does not a bad parent make?

Book in post Blackberry. Hope you find it useful.

Blackberry...you are fantastic. After a horrible day yesterday, you sound like you are picking yourself up.
The thing about letting him wind you up is that in order for that to work for him you have to care about what he thinks.
Think of something insulting that he said about your parenting or the house work....now think if a stranger said the same thing. It would have no effect on you.
The trick was, I found, to quietly in my head, completely discount whatever he says. Assume that he will find something wrong with how you do things, so that when the insult comes, you have already anticpated it. Doesnt sting so much, and you feel like 'hah, knew you would say that!'

passive aggressive behaviour (getting you to express the rage he disowns) is VERY hard to live with...wobbly that is one of the best sentences I read here for a while.

Blackberry, many women who are in abusive relationships struggle with their parenting. You are constantly being undermined and criticised as a mother. If you were out of this relationship you would have a chance to parent very differently and to be more consistent and calm. Winding you up so you look like the bad one is a typical abusive strategy. He is an expert on you and knows exactly how to push your buttons. It's a very effective way of making you look unreasonable and out of control. With the added bonus of making you feel bad about yourself. Things aren't going to improve. You really need to speak to Women's Aid or similar. Google your county + domestic abuse to see if there is a local service that can support you.

how r u doing today blackberry?

How are you today, Blackberry?

How is everything today blackberry?

Thank you ciderwithbuda got the book today.

I'm ok. He has seen this thread, he looked on iPad history. We haven't spoken much really. I am not getting drawn into any discussions. He wants to take me out later.

Just trying to concentrate on the children and being calm and collected. I'm a mum first and foremost.

That's interesting. Do you think your date is for discussing this issue?

I hope you manage to stay calm, collected and focused. You are amazing, you know :)

I think the purpose of the date was him trying to build some bridges. We both realise things have become like a pressure cooker at home and we need to make the effort to get out sometimes. It's easy when you've got small kids to just flop on the sofa and not talk when they've gone to bed.

Anyway the meal was nice, we didn't talk about us, just other stuff. Then we went for a drink and things got a bit heated because we were discussing our problems. He thinks I'm failing to cope and I pointed out that on the whole I cope very well. I sometimes have bad days like a lot of parents. But I do 95% of the parenting and i think I manage ok. He admits he is not cut out for it, but is happy to do things when asked as he loves the kids.

Whether we love each other enough is a bit of a grey area. We are both approaching 30 and wary of not wanting to waste our lives in a useless power struggle of a relationship. He very much wants to stay together for the children. I told him it doesn't work that way. We sort of ended the evening agreeing to both try and get on.

I still feel a bit closed off towards him, I can't quite get intimate with him yet, we nearly did this morning but the baby woke. Feels a bit like papering over the issue again. But we will get there I'm sure. I was hoping for more of an emotional reconnection last night but we end up arguing about who is coping better or who has a more realistic outlook on parenting all the time. It's so fucking tedious. Where is the joy in life!

He is sorry he said last night he was wrong, in that regard. He also reiterated that he is usually always right about things!

It's hard to shake his self belief but why should I want to do that? It's only because he does it to me all the time (tries to shake my self belief that is ).

We are either too alike or too far apart to get along, I can't decide which.

He is of the view that me smacking the children is just as wrong, hence I have no leg to stand on. I kind of see his viewpoint really, and am going to work hard on my parenting. I have hardly ever smacked dd but once is too often I know, and we both agree it doesn't work, it's not a solution. It only teaches her to smack.

I am going to concentrate on being a better mum and hope our relationship sorts it's self out. Obviously we are going to have to try but I don't see that either of us have a lot to give to each other at the moment, so we are going to try and achieve shared goals for the children and hope our old selves return one day.

Whether this is just storing up trouble for later remains to be seen. I know Im not with a man who loves the very bones of me, let's put it that way. But I am a realist and I know love like that does not come along very often. I would be happy to be just happy.

I'm glad that you have, at least, started talking to each other. And making time for 'you' is never a bad thing. But talking about papering over the cracks is worrying. This is an issue that's never going to go away. How about relationship counselling? Do you think he would agree to that?

Well, I for one see hope here. NOW is the time for counselling.

IF you can both look to your own faults and what you contribute rather than pointing at the other, IF you can both grow up and make moves to get past the life skill habits picked up from your own awful families of origin, IF you can both get past your defensiveness and take the risk to be vulnerable,

I think you would be amazed. But it all lies in the IFs.

He wouldn't agree to it I don't think. Because he thinks it's all ridiculous, he thinks my thread is silly.

He thinks it's ridiculous that you are upset about being hit in the face? Ouch. That tells you everything you need to know.

No he thinks the endless poring over every facet of our relationship Is daft. He isn't the type of person to talk about feelings and such. There has to be a practicality to every discussion. Counselling would be his idea of hell I feel.

The smacking is the same thing, as in the same problem; that you are adjusted to physical violence/abuse through your experience BUT he is, in this situation the abuser, the one who is creating the abuse in your household which is why, not just the hitting you in your face, but the verbal bullying and complete lack of respect for you ARE a problem. They are not "just as bad" they are not equal wrongs, they are just part of the same problem with the household of which he is the instigator. They are not ridiculous things to be concerned over or refuse to tolerate or discuss. He is just belittling you again probably because he doesn't want you to discuss it.

He is bringing the abuse into your home, you are not able to get out because throughout your life you have been socialised to be adjusted to abuse and it is now affecting your ability to deal with your children. You are not the source of it, as many people said upthread, remove him and remove the source of stress/abuse. You could look at it as a pyramid with him at the top, passing down abuse, in control of how people behave, responsible, you over the children and responsible for how things go with him. Things shouldn't be a pyramid but I think they are with you, he is top dog.

*with them.

But this is why abusive behaviour is so effective it says half truths and uses subjectives that can be twisted or seen only partially, uses normal relationship expectations to perpetuate abusive situations, readjusts expectations deliberately to prioritise abuse and power and control for the abuser.

Please, please, do not settle for a man who has punched you in the face. You can and will do better than that!

He says "you are failing to cope", so again you are the scapegoat for his abusive behaviour.
Op you are falling for it again, please see him for what he is. Your relationship is not good for you or your children.

A man that hits once, hits again-you lucky he missed your dc, next time neither of you may be so fortunate.

Get out-i know its not a simple as just uping and moving but in time you need to see this relationship for what it is-Abusive, emotionally and physically.
You are just blocking a leakage, which will only get worse not better.

If he hits you again, get to a refuge

Domestic abuse seriously damages kids. Can he really not see that and take responsibility for his attack? He's not a good father if he refuses to address his behaviour. The smacking is not the issue here.