DH hit me in the face last night and he's not sorry.

[Blackberryinoperative]

My DH hit me in the face last night while I was breastfeeding our baby. He is not sorry. He says he has "forgiven me" for our argument, why can't I forgive him?

I told him he is not forgiven. I am really angry at him but the worst thing is he is not sorry. He doesn't think he was wrong. He did it because I told him to fuck off three times. He warned me to stop saying it but I carried on. He says swearing in front of the children is just as tantamount to violence as hitting.

I am not a weak person or an apologist but I really am nonplussed as to how to take it from here. Separating will be hell on earth. Not because we are so in love or anything but just logistically things will be a complete nightmare. How do I make him see he was wrong to hit me? And that swearing sometimes does not a bad parent make?

Good morning.

Well I am still deep in thought. Last night he was casually dismissive and came out with such classics as

Let's get you some new clothes.
Let's get you a new hairstyle .... Looking better makes you feel better
I'm sorry but you kept on swearing at me
This house is a mess and a shithole it's a horrible place to live (this house is absolutely fucking beautiful and the kids had been drawing at the table and there were some bowls of fruit we had picked left out and the plates from tea were not in dishwasher as i was bathing a stinky baby).

Just frozen with.....WTF.

Never thought he was such a twat. And never thought I could feel so powerless and enraged at the same time.

Thanks for all the advice yesterday everybody. Much less fragile today so won't be getting drawn into the nastiness.

Glad you are feeling stronger today Blackberry.

Good morning. Glad you're feeling a bit better.

You have a choice.
Your children dont.
Stay if you want to but he won't change and it will escalate.
You obv have no issue with him hitting your children so even that won't make you leave.
Jesus, what an awful awful thread.

So basically he can't take any blame, and he'll deflect the problem onto you and try to make it your fault. Sounds like you're not gonna take that any more - go you! Hoping your strong attitude continues and helps you continue to think things through.

So he is trying to patch things over with new clothes (pathetic) and accepting no responsibility, blaming you and still criticising you when there is nothing to criticise?

Im thinking that you might have to accept you have unfortunately and unintentionally married someone just like your parents

He is a violent abusive man.

OP...have you been able to find any answers about what you think you can do about things?
'Deep in thought' suggests you are maybe trying to visualise the future and the consequences of taking different options ....
How clear are you and what options feel most 'fitting' or realistic to you right now?
Thinking about you and hoping you can make some contact with someone for some support....a sounding board...anyone...your HV would be a good person to talk to..and HV is generally easy to pop in to clinic and see for a chat...it is important that you try to share all this with someone in RL...if for no other reason than just so someone knows your position and situation and can be supportive to you. Your HV will listen but will not take any action without your consent....don't be scared about this....please share your fears and worries. There may be a support group for parents and often a creche too...they have counsellors and nothing leaves the room that you have not agreed to first....you really need to reach out to people in RL as well as talking here if it helps...

OP: Your comments this morning are what I was saying yesterday about not stepping up and taking responsibility.....

I hope that you're feeling OK this morning.

It's a very tough journey from the realisation that everything is wrong, to doing something about it. There have been several threads on this board lately where the OP has been dazed and sleep-walking, if you like. It generally takes a few days/weeks for the fog to clear......

I reiterate that it may be good to get some support in RL too......

Good for you. Ignore the bleeding hearts who probably know fuck all about real life.

You sound like you're heading in the right direction

OP glad you are feeling a little better this morning. I remember very clearly making the decision to finally leave, and the first 24 hours after I actually left I still felt stressed. I made the decision and just went when he was not home. Happened very fast, but only possible as I went to stay with a family member. People didn't know the situation, but were really dismissive of my feelings because I was the one that 'chose' to leave. He was calling and texting constantly, swinging between begging and angry / threatening, but it felt different because I was safe from him.
He moved on very swiftly to another woman who thought he was god's gift to women. Married her,the whole caboodle. Lasted about 2 years throughout which she hated me - he was hard done by, he was an angel, he'd never do wrong...... Now, she constantly tries to befriend me and her (grown up) children have told me she now realises exactly what I went through with him.But, I digress.
The point is, deciding is the hard part. Once you get out, it is just such a relief. Like all the years someone has been sitting on your chest all these years, and now you can breathe properly.
I note he is very concerned about what other people think - it's known as a guilty conscience OP. He's afraid people will find out what he's like.

so he never actually said sorry? twat. glad you're feeling better, but you never said, if this is the first time he's hit you? chances are it won't be the last now he's done it. If you don't want to leave him/make him leave, work on yourself for now, new parenting techniques, to make you feel more in control, and also making a life for yourself, the fact that you say you have no-one to go to in these hard times, is very telling, you need to get out of the house and get some sort of life of your own. boring i know, but baby groups? sure start projects? and some real one on one time with your 7 yr old, is it a dd? bet she's picking up on all the shite at home, and needs some time with her mum, (who i'm sure she knows loves her very much)

Never thought he was such a twat

Yup, it is pretty hard to get your head around. You'll be amazed how quickly it does sink in! I'm really proud of you - you've got detachment.

After your "WTF freeze" has worn off, you'll probably find it useful to observe him trying different methods of twatness as he reluctantly notices you're thinking for yourself It's very instructive to watch people trying to manipulate you, almost as if they were in a TV documentary about twat behaviour. You can also try out different 'management' techniques, such as making non-committal noises whenever he turns it on, repeating back what he said as if it's very interesting and the good old "Yes, Dear / Oh, dear" approach which has made many lives a little bit quieter over the years.

I'm concerned for you in the medium term as he's thumped you once already. When he realises you're not playing feisty doormat any more, there's a very strong chance he'll hit you more, and harder. You need to get some support systems in place, for your own mental health as well as future planning. There's been some good advice on that here.

This might be a good time for you to read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?".

You are not powerless. He has taken a step to far, refused to acknowledge what he did or apologise so now the ball's in your court. It's going to be really hard to make a decision and stick to it but you can do it because you don't want to live like this, you want better for yourself and your children.

But garlic nuts, that's exactly what he does to me when I'm speaking.

He calmly winds me up into a frenzy then sits back with a smile to watch me turn into an unreasonable harpy. Much like my stepdad would do to my mum.

I feel he really deeply resents me or something. And he knows I find that hard to deal with.

But garlic nuts, that's exactly what he does to me when I'm speaking.

Really? So he IS detached - he's just playing you like a cat with a toy mouse Nice of him.

Cool, so learn! It should be entertaining to see what he tries next ...

"This house is a mess and a shithole it's a horrible place to live"
Non-committal: "Oh?"
Interested: "It's a mess? What makes you say that? Ah, I see. You don't like living here? Why's that? Ah, thanks for explaining."
Yes dear: "I'm sorry you're upset about the house."

When I started doing this, I actually saw the shock on his face. Then he gathered himself and I swear he smirked! The cunt. Sadly, I didn't have Mumsnet behind me in those days. He watched what I was doing and found fresh ways to fry my brain, getting extra fun out of defeating my new techniques.

Blackberry passive aggressive behaviour (getting you to express the rage he disowns) is VERY hard to live with.

Now is the time as garlic says, to watch him and analyse his behaviour, and work very very hard in not falling for it (getting wound up/taking it out on DCs).

Good luck, keep talking to us. Why don't you have friends? Apart from your internet friends, of course!

He calmly winds me up into a frenzy then sits back with a smile to watch me turn into an unreasonable harpy. Much like my stepdad would do to my mum.

So you have married someone like your stepdad. It's weird how that happens so unintentionally.

Don't be your mum Blackberry, you don't have to put up with this

getting you to express the rage he disowns - what a fantastic expression, Wobbly! It's horrid, isn't it :(

FGS. A woman got hit by her husband for the first time and you all expect her to suddenly get up, change her life and have a complete eureka moment - all in the space of a day or two?? This isn't how it works. This is why domestic violence gets so bad, because it can take years and years for women to come to the point where they seek true change. Stop attacking her please.

OP, it sounds like your husband has convinced you that you deserve to be hit. No matter what you have done, you do not deserve to be. You are right, he is wrong. Dont let anyone make you feel bad if you are not up to dealing with the consequences now, but please know that you deserve better, and everything else can be dealt with in your own time. Sending you a big hug xx

Sorry - hadn't read the last comments on here which are much more supportive.

OP, I've only read the start of this thread, so forgive me if I'm repeating what others have advised. I recently left my ex after years of this kind of abusive behaviour. The punching of you is just the tip of the iceberg here. he is abusive towards you ion very very many ways. Punches are easy to name and recognise, easy to latch onto to. Emotional torture, putting you down, undermining you, calling you a shite mother, that is all abusive and equally as revolting as physical violence. It's just harder to get a handle on.
It strikes me that a lot of the anger you feel inside and let out when you 'snap', like smacking your dd, is because of the way he makes you feel. Abused women are full of anger and repressed rage because of what is being done to them by the abuser. They feel useless and impotent and those emotions will surface as extreme anger.
All the time you are with this monster of a man your rage will continue and all the patterns of parenting you display will carry on.
I just wanted to add my support, you are not a shit mother, you are an abused woman trying desperately to keep it all together in the face of unbearable torment and cruelty.
For you and your children it would be best to separate from him. I really do understand how terrifying and impossible that notion sounds. It took me 15 years to finally get out. My rages were greatly reduced, almost immediately.

You say your mother was fierce, well have you considered that your inner rage also comes from the scared and hurt child who felt impotent at the hands of your mother's rages? She hurt you, yes she loved you, but she also hurt you

What a nasty manipulitive man, he's now even pointing out you need new clothes amd the house looks like shit-what sort of dp or dh speaks to their own wife/gf?

I hope in time, with the right support behing you that you manage to leave the bastard. For now you must report as it will stop him having unsupervised access if you split.

Take care op and in the event of him attacking you again call the police, he shouldn't get away with this horrid behaviour.
Don't let him bring you down op

I don't have any close close friends really. Just don't go out anymore, lost touch, don't talk to work friends about my relationship etc etc.

I was very close to my mum before she died and we talked about everything.

I also lost my best friend six years ago, she died.

So, not many women to whom I can truly open up. That's why I posted here.

Funnily enough me and his mum get on great, she is a really nice lady but I disapprove of her submissive nature to her husband. Not that I'd let on. We are good friends and she is a lovely gran to the kids. She is going to be helping me with childcare when I go back to work soon.

She isn't the type of parent to really get involved in her adult childrens relationships though, I doubt her and DH have ever had a real heart to heart about anything. His dad is a useless twonk.

I left my ex after about 20 months, so it doesn't always take years and years. He was pushing me about (and claiming it was an accident), as well as other financially and emotionally abusive behaviours, quite early in the relationship (if you can call it that!) but hit me in the face one time only. I left him 8 weeks later. It took that 8 weeks for me to adjust.

Sorry that was in reply to Mizza.