DH hit me in the face last night and he's not sorry.

[Blackberryinoperative]

My DH hit me in the face last night while I was breastfeeding our baby. He is not sorry. He says he has "forgiven me" for our argument, why can't I forgive him?

I told him he is not forgiven. I am really angry at him but the worst thing is he is not sorry. He doesn't think he was wrong. He did it because I told him to fuck off three times. He warned me to stop saying it but I carried on. He says swearing in front of the children is just as tantamount to violence as hitting.

I am not a weak person or an apologist but I really am nonplussed as to how to take it from here. Separating will be hell on earth. Not because we are so in love or anything but just logistically things will be a complete nightmare. How do I make him see he was wrong to hit me? And that swearing sometimes does not a bad parent make?

Ok, be angry at yourself about hitting dd but this issue although it helps illustrate your thinking process about physical violence I think, is completely separate. Be angry at yourself even for tenuous things like saying fuck off. However this is all unrelated to the fact he apparently thinks he is entitled to hit you. This means it will happen again.

This isn't the first time he has hit you is it, you're resigned to it but you Do not deserve it, you do not deserve it and it cannot be justified

Blackberry, you can call the police non-emergency number (101) and ask to log a domestic violence incident. You don't have to press charges, this is entirely your choice

NO NO NO. This is completely untrue.

OP, if you choose to report the incident to the police I can tell you what to expect. Some of the advice you've been given on here is totally misleading and if you chose to report you should go in with your eyes open as to what that phone call could set in motion. Someone suggested it up the thread and I thought I would post to advise you.

The police will attend your house and take a statement. They will arrest your DH . He will be taken to custody and interviewed. If he wholly admits hitting you and shows remorse/accepts full blame he may be cautioned if he is eligible. If not he will be charged to the nearest available court to enter a plea of guilty or not guilty and a trial to be fixed. He may be released or remanded in custody dependent on the perceived risk factors (reoffending, interfering with witnesses, flight). Bail conditions would usually be to live and sleep at another address, not to contact you save through a 3rd party regarding access to your children. Then you would be called to court to give evidence. If you refuse to give evidence you could be summonsed to force you to attend. You do NOT decide whether he is charged - it is the crown prosecution service's decision and you have absolutely no say at all. All through the process you will be supported by the investigating officer from a domestic violence unit, a witness care officer who is a specialist in the court process and an independant domestic violence advisor who will support you at court and can signpost you to specialist practical help. All these agencies can help you in real, practical ways.

In a nutshell that's the DV process once you pick up that phone to the police. There is no discretion for the officers that attend in the first instance. Your DH will be arrested if you make an allegation of assault because that is force policy the length and breadth of England and Wales. The fact that you were BFing at the time is a serious, aggravating factor. I don't want to put you off reporting, far from it but so many DV victims seem to think that they can just "log it" that their husband has beaten them up.

My background: 2 years as a 999 response officer dealing wtih 2 or 3 DV cases a week, 2 years on the front office at the police station taking DV reports in person and doing secondary investigating and the last 4 years spent as a DV and sexual violence specialist within a witness care unit supporting victims through the court process.

Nigel that is the most useful post on this thread, well done. It is really important that the facts are laid bare.

Thankyou. While I do not always agree with the "always enforce" policies, it does have the benefit of taking a very traumatic decision away from an abused (almost always) woman who has had years and years of controlling abuse to the extent where they have no confidence in their abilities to exist outside the relationship.

I've just read the whole thread and there are so many issues that I'm struggling a bit to make sense so I can only imagine how hard it must be when you are in the middle of it.

Firstly in relation to your parenting, you don't need me to tell you that you shouldn't lash out at your kids or argue and swear in front of them. It's clear from your posts that you know this. Parents under pressure are much more likely to do this, you are under constant pressure due to his criticism of your parenting. I think you do need some help to gain confidence in your ability to parent in a positive way. Children's centre would be a good option, either a parenting programme or one-to-one work if you don't feel up to a group.

Secondly, you seem to have some good surface insight into the impact of your family history but on a deeper level you struggle to act on this insight. You know what happened and where your mum went wrong but you are fixed in a pattern of repeating the mistake. You are clinging on to signs that your situation is different to convince yourself that your children won't be damaged like you were. The reality is that they are living in an abusive home and that is damaging. The abuse I refer to is not you hitting your daughter but your husband hitting you while you were feeding your child and you feeling that him saying sorry would be enough.

This leads me on to my final point. Any man who can in any way justify hitting his partner while she is feeding his child can not be either a good partner or a good parent. Exposure to dv is damaging to the development of even the youngest child. You do not deserve to be hit, your children don't deserve to be exposed to it. This is the issue you need to deal with right now. The other issues may sort themselves put when you are able to put distance between yourself and this abusive relationship, or they a might not and you might need to look for further help. There is plenty of help available.

Larry, show me a single comment where anyone has said that her smacking her DD is worse than her Dh punching her in the face and I will send you a tenner in the post.

Also, your comment on 'minimal provocation' is grotesque. There is no provocation extreme enough on earth that would make domestic violence acceptable.

Oxford,

You are picking a fight with me for no reason. How about the post below, by Cogito Ergo Sometimes, at around 10AM.

"The more I read, you both sound as aggressive as each other, tbh."

That seems to me to be making an equivalence. There are several other equally non supportive posts.

And, as to my "minimal provocation" comment, that was in reply to many posters, including the OP herself, who seemed to think that he was provoked. I am not ever defending DV, especially men hitting women. We actually agree here but, hey, why not have a random go at a man for the fun of it?

Also to add to what Nigel said when police are informed of dv incident with children present they will make a referral to social services.

The procedures outlined by ODN, are all good things for OP, in my opinion

It makes it more likely OP will be signposted the help she needs in extricating herself from a violent relationship, that is odds-on to escalate

OP, the first thing most of us (including me) said to you on this thread is call the police and report your H for assaulting you

My advice has not changed. Yes, the control will be taken out of your hands. Imagine the relief though ? You won't have to try and manage this situation any longer.

I am not "having a random go at a man for the fun of it", Larry. What an embarrassingly sexist thing to come out with.

The thread has moved on somewhat since 10am larry and you don't dispell myths about provocation by saying "there was minimal provocation"

OP, I hope you're okay. My childhood was also 'violence and sorry' from my stepdad, I've got no patience with people saying sorry for that very reason. And I'm extremely vocal and sweary when I feel threatened.

Big hugs to you xxx

Oxford and Offred,

My post, for anyone with an eye for content and its meaning, is very supportive of the OP and VERY anti DV. I abhor the idea of a grown man hitting a defenceless woman and, even more so, one feeding her newborn. I hope the OP takes some succour from what I have posted and I will leave it at that. Let's leave this thread for the OP.

If you have the need to find a way to have a go at me, please PM me with whatever insults you feel appropriate. I am sure you will find it cathartic and therapeutic.

I bet, if you didn't have your 'H' sitting there, winding you up, undermining you, being alternately useless and critical, you would be 100% calmer and kinder as a parent. I bet you were 25% wound up by DD and 75% wound up by 'H' last night and that's why you smacked her. I bet you would have dealt with it completely differently if he had not been there.

Being in a disfunctional relationship leads to poor parenting at times because you are more wound up and angry than you should be. I bet you aren't an impatient, smacking mum deep down - are you?

AnyFucker - that is exactly why the system has been set up as it is now :) To stop abusive bastard men from threatening their wives into withdrawing. It's not perfect and we don't get 100% results but it's a darned sight better than it used to be - even 8 years ago when I joined up

I also agree with Erik. I am a much more stressy parent if DH is in one of his "I'm going to piss off Nigel" moods

No larry it wasn't and don't come over all got at either. Your post supported a myth about dv; that it can be provoked, and I don't see why challenging you on that is getting at you or insulting you or why it needs to be said in private.

Your post actually twisted things to suit your own agenda, failed to tackle the current position of the op and thread in an attempt seemingly to stir up a bees nest.

Apart from anything your "poor defenceless woman" "naughty child" position is hard to reconcile. You made some assumptions about what others including cog had written hours ago which are as yet unjustified. It seems, coupled with the "minimal provocation" thing, you have some funny ideas about gender, dv and children.

Also about what constitutes "support".

Agree with Erik too.

Just to clarify, OP, I do not in any way think smacking trumps DV, as Larry so eloquently puts it. I think ODN has given very useful advice, and in your position, I would probably take it. I don't agree with smacking and have very strong views on it, but that it no way takes away from the severity of what has happened to you.

I'm back from our walk which was nice, we have blackberries, plums and apples!

I just don't know if I can report this. He would never and I mean never forgive me. He is very very bothered with what other people think. Garlic, if you are there, can you give any insight into this?

What's scaring me is that I know something has died between us if he can do such a thing but I am putting off the inevitable by papering over the cracks with love of my children. This isn't good for them. Also I think I have chosen someone so far removed from what I put up with as a child, but my life is turning out a lot like my mums! Wich is the last thing I wanted. It's so depressing I feel trapped by my responses and reactions to domestic life.

OP you said a few times that you realise how severe his actions were. You know they are worse than your own actions towards DD when, in fact, comparing the two is irrelevant. The blow to your face, when breastfeeding of all things, is disgusting - and you know it is. So why are you not going to report it?

If you recognise how badly he reacted then why wait until he does it again, worse, in front of the children etc?

You also worry about your own parenting skills - well now is the chance to step up, as mother and protector of your children, to get him reported, arrested and held accountable for stepping over the line from argument to DV.

Your call.

Address your need for anger management or parent classes later by the way - they are a related but very separate issue.

I would like to clarify larry that the children didn't see him hit me in the face, only the baby was there and asleep. Bad enough though.

I don't mean this to sound flippant, but so what if he never forgives you? HE should be begging YOU for forgiveness for what he's done! If he wants to blame you for calling the police rather than blame himself for doing something police-worthy, well that's his psycho rationale and you can't live your life by it.

I know it can be hard to detach from your partner, but you need to prioritise what is best for you and your children and not for him.

I understand it's easy to sit here and say report him, when we're not the ones who will be dealing with a pissed off ex-partner for years. But it sounds like he will be difficult and pissed off anyway. At least if you report him, you will have a whole infrastructure of support to access.

I think your idea of getting him to stay elsewhere tonight so you can call Women's Aid is a good one.

Ivana it was other posters on here who led me to the conclusion than him hitting me and me smacking dd were comparable.

Read back for such delights as child abuser, feel sorry for your kids etc etc.

I just feel small and stuck. No amount of ordering me to call x y or z is going to make me feel able to do anything. I need to figure this out myself.

Fwiw my mum called the police loads of times, went into a safe house and we never repeat never had a visit from social services. Not one.