Is my DH is a selfish bastard?

[Confused74]

6 Months ago i asked DH is he wanted to be with family and friends for his birthday as he shares the same birthday with my MIL and i wanted to book a weekend away for the both of us as a suprise but i know that if i just went and booked it he would tell me that he has planned to spend it with his DM/family/friends.

He said that he thinks that a weekend away just me and him would be a great idea and a lovely suprise (We havent been away together just the two of us every since we met!)

So i went and booked a really expensive hotel, Theatre trip and a meal out the first night and a day out the second day (2 nights).

Well its MIL's 50th birthday and she rang him yesterday to tell him of the plans (On the dates that we were going to be away) that she was thinking/to ask if we can make it.

DH has come home and dropped this on me (He knew what dates i booked the weekend away as we talked about it for a couple of weeks/I was hinting ideas) He said that he cannot miss his DM's 50th so i would have to cancel everything so we could attend, I asked him if she is able to change the dates for the weekend before/after as nothing is booked yet and he said "No way, Don't be selfish".

She hasn't booked anything i have had this booked for 6 months and i asked him beforehand if these dates were okay because i knew MIL would kick up a fuss if i just booked it without talking about dates etc.

I have looked into changing the dates of our weekend but the hotel has no rooms avaliable.

So he said that i have to cancel everything i had booked as he wants to go to MIL's "Do".

It has cost me well over £1000 for everything.

This has REALLY upset me but he said "Its my DM's 50th so im going".

I asked him if he told her that i had a weekend planned for him and me for his birthday weekend and he just said "I forgot to".

AIBU to be VERY upset about this?

"Well its MIL's 50th birthday and she rang him yesterday to tell him of the plans (On the dates that we were going to be away) that she was thinking/to ask if we can make it."

So, the MIL hadn't specifically planned anything on this date - she was thinking of it. Why the hell didn't the dh tell her at that point that they couldn't make it, and to pick the following weekend instead. The crucial birthdays aren't even on that weekend anyway, but the Monday, so the following weekend is a perfectly viable option.

The OP said in her original post (and it's been subsequently emphasised) that she checked several times with her OH and got his approval. MIL has nothing arranged so far: she's just asked about their availability.

There's no point guessing what you think might be going on behind the scenes and treating it as fact.

Sorry - don't know where the little green man came from - spooky!

Why didn't the OP tell her MIL? Probably because she hasn't been entirely pleasant towards the OP, and hence the OP asked her DH to check the dates. The OP's MIL sounds a lot like my Ex-MIL, who would not pick up the phone from my number, and of I called from my Ex's phone, she would hang up as soon as she realised it was me!

At least the OP had the courtesy to ask her DH to check dates with her MIL, not the OP's fault if he didn't, yet told her he had, and that the dates were OK. What's she meant to have, a crystal ball to know that her DH didn't actually check?

Most people tend to trust what their DH says, because without trust, there's not much of a relationship there...

And if he DID check, and the MIL booked it for that day anyway, then IMO the MIL is a cow of the highest order that is trying to assert her control over not just her son's life, but over the OP's life too. And I for one would be having none of that. I'd be putting my foot down and going on the trip.

If that made the meal uncomfortable for my 'D'H, then TOUGH. It's either him to blame for not checking when he said he had, or him not standing up to his mother when she booked the meal for the weekend he told her he would be away.

Either way, the OP's DH is being a selfish bastard, so by the title and the OP, AND the subsequent post, the OP INBU.

Well said couthy!

OP - I imagine that things would feel awkward and uncomfortable for you if you did attend the birthday.

Astonished at your dh putting his foot down and stating 'that is that'. Please go on the trip (which sounds lovely) and take a friend.

Thankyou so much for all of your support!

I had no intention at all of deliberately choosing those dates so we could not go, I have no problem with the MIL she has a major problem with me. I didn't book it until 2 weeks after asking my DH to ask his MIL of those dates were okay as I had to book it to get the room I wanted. DH told me they were absolutely fine, so I went and booked it, nothing to do with the MIL just making sure that she hadn't planned anything in advance and I thought by telling her the dates we planned to go away then she could book her party for the other weekend as there birthday is on a Monday. I didn't book it for the Monday because DH said that he wants to spend the night with the MIL so I asked him if the weekend before that was okay.

DH has woke up this morning in a foul mood, He has told me that MIL will always be his piority and that's how it is, He also told me that he loves her more than me I did explain that I asked him 6 months ago about dates and to ask the MIL and he told me to book it as those dates were fine.

MIL has always come between is and tried to control the relationship and yes unfortunately my DH does everything that she says, It has always been like that.

I haven't done anything but want to book our first weekend away together and I felt like I had considered everyone's feelings about it and made sure that it was okay, I have been really excited about it since the booking.

I know it was a lot of money but I wanted his birthday/our first weekend away to be special, We haven't been on holiday together so this is the first time it would have been just me and him.

So the update is that DH woke up completely pissed off at me for even considering going with a friend and he has also gave me an ultimatum of doing this for him or leaving, So I am going to cancel as much as I really do not want to but I cannot think of any other option, I know that of I went DH and the Inlaws would be fuming.

I am very upset about this, I cannot do anything but cancel because I know that they would make life so much harder when we visit. I never ever wanted to cause a drama, I hate these situations I just wanted a lovely weekend alone with my H for his birthday.

As much as it hurts, that's just what is going to have to happen.

Jemma - the OP's DH was asked 6 months ago if the weekend before his weekend would be ok to go away. The OP told him to check his mum wasn't planning anything for that weekend (and as their joint birthday falls on a week day, MIL could have easily booked to do somehting the weekend after or on the actual day and the OP's DH could make it). The OP's DH said it was ok and she should book - why should the OP think "oh hang on, just because my husband says he's checked the date is ok with MIL, I better call her again and check he's not actually lying to me and he has checked the date is ok before I book anything."

For him to then not bother mentioning it to his mother for 6 months but then waiting for his Mum to arrange something and then deciding that this problem that he has created should be solved by putting his mum first and making the OP just waste £1000 and telling her she's not allowed to go on this expensive trip anyway because some how he gets to decide what the OP does with her time, is not acceptable behaviour in the slightest.

This is clearly about the OP's DH fucking up, then making the OP be the one to suffer for his fuck up.

OP - you are still reading this - go on the weekend away. Take a friend as I said earlier, it's not like you think your ILs like you anyway, so you aren't going to lower their opinion of you, you might as well have a nice time and show your DH that he should be the only one to suffer for his fuck up.

oh X post - he's just told you he doesn't love you. That's terrible. This isn't about a weekend away, this is about your marriage. If he's prepared to hold "I'll leave you" over your head if you don't do what he wants (covering up his fuck up) then your marriage isn't going to last anyway.

He didn't say that he doesn't love me, he said that of course he loves his DM more. He has always said 'leave' when I say that I am upset with something, I do ask why he says stuff like that and he always replies 'Because I know you never will'.

OP, with an ultimatum like that I'd be leaving...

Please don't give in to his emotional blackmail. Otherwise he will just do this to you over and over again.
This is bordering on control issue/emotional abuse.
I would call his bluff. And go on the weekend with a friend.
He has stated that he does not love you. Please listen and take note. He will not change. Even when MiL dies he will still say 'you never liked her'etc etc.
Call his bluff and go!! He sounds a right prickless twunt!!

Just seen your last post - so basically he thinks he can do what he likes because he's god's gift and you couldn't bear life without him?

That's an evil ultimatum! Yes his mother is clearly the centre of his world but that doesn't mean she has to be the centre of yours.

Personally i wouldn't give in to his threat. He is treating you as someone who has no choices of her own, who just has to do what he says, like a child.

Are you happy being in that sort of relationship? If not you'll have to do something about it now.

If the choice is "do what i say" or leave then i would leave (or have him leave preferably).

As for her always being his priority and him loving her more than you, mother of his child

I can understand you giving in on this occasion, but I would think long and hard about whether you want to live like this for the future- My Mum has been doing as my Dad says for the last 40 years.
It is not a good role model for your children either. The point of a marriage is that the children leave the parents and form a new unit in themselves. Whilst we all want to see our husbands treat their mothers with respect, that is not the same as 'obeying' them, at an adult age.
I think it shows a massive lack of loyalty to you and your son as you should be his first consideration now.

If he loves his mum more, he's saying he doesn't love you enough - his wife and child should trump all others, that's how men truely in love feel.

I would go anyway, tell him he this is his fuck up and you won't suffer for it, if he wants to end your marriage over something this petty then it's probably doomed anyway, so you will just be putting it out of it's misery. If he says "just leave" I'd start replying with "you always say that when you are in the wrong." and then smurk.

Cripes on a bike, he admits he loves his mother more than you and you basically have to suck it up? And after all the bollocks he put you though with this birthday debacle and on mothers day, and who knows what else because I get the impression there are loads more scenarios like this in your relationship with this utter wanker. I know which part of that ultimatum I would be choosing, and it sure as buggery wouldn't involve doing anything for him.

What a hurtful, controlling bastard.

I agree with CockyPants'ssuggestion that you call his bluff and go on the weekend. Perhaps you will return and see your relationship through new eyes.
You must be feeling awful though.

From a practical point of view I would ask MIL if she could change her party to the following weekend if it isn't booked yet. If it is I would postpone your trip to any available weekend even if it is far off. At least then you wouldn't lose your money. Depending how things go you can go with your husband or a friend.

Wow, he loves his mother over you? So he'll put his mother above the mother of his child? Words fail me. As for the threat of leaving, I'd personally call his bluff and just go with a friend anyway. But that's me, I can't judge your marriage but I'd be out of there like a shot. I recently had run in with MIL getting inbetween DH and myself. I said that for me the order goes DD, DH, DM and that it should be the same for him. He put his mothers feelings above mine when, by his own admission she was wrong, so I nearly walked out on him. Not a threat that I tried to use against him in a game of emotional blackmail (like your DH) but an action that I'd have for the good of DD and myself.

He also told me that he loves her more than me

Tragic. Mummy's boy.
Sorry, he needs sacking.

I think this is your wake-up call to the fact that your H is abusive and your marriage is doomed. It is not normal or acceptable for a man to behave like this to his wife, demanding obedience as though she were a child or a dog.

I appreciate that you may not feel ready to throw him out yet, but I would suggest doing your research WRT the house, maintenance, benefits so that you are ready when the time comes and won't be fooled by any bullshit he comes out with about how he will take the kids off you and put you penniless into the street (he is exactly the sort of man who will threaten this, because he really does think that you are a possession/domestic pet rather than a person).

He knows you'll never leave does he?
I think you should refuse to go to the party and have his stuff packed on the doorstep when he comes back.
"No, I'm not leaving, you are".
Then he can go home and stay with Mummy or politely request to be allowed back in on the basis things have to change.

BTW - when I was 18 I went out with a controlling wanker - one of his tricks was to convince me I was "lucky" to have him and in any argument (again, when he was in the wrong) he would throw out "well maybe we should split up then" knowing I'd be all horrified and then the conversation would move to me basically begging him to keep our relationship together, telling him it wasn't that bad etc and no longer focussing on his failing. Then one day (when I was getting stronger and beginning to realise he was the lucky one to have me) I replied quietly and calmly with "maybe we should" and that took the wind out of his sails completely.

OP - your DH talks about leaving or you leaving because he is confident you will put up with whatever shit he throws at you. You will do what he wants. Perhaps calling his bluff would be the best thing you could do. If he really would end his marriage over you going away then he really, really doesn't love you. Best you know that earlier rather than later (because if he doesn't love you, eventually he'll leave you for someone he does, that might take 15 years, but it will happen).

Confused, that's an evil ultimatum, whether he says it all the time or not.

If I was you, I would seriously call his bluff. Make him realise that he can't get away with this. If he wants you back, tell him things have got to change. If he doesn't want you back, he doesn't love you enough anyway.

I have never said, "Leave the bastard" before, but things have to change or you will become downtrodden and bitter.

I know this is easier said than done, especially from different sides of an internet page, but please consider it. Don't allow him to walk all over you like this, if you let it go, it will only get worse and worse.