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Original poster

Is my DH is a selfish bastard?

395 replies

Confused74 · 28/08/2012 19:53

6 Months ago i asked DH is he wanted to be with family and friends for his birthday as he shares the same birthday with my MIL and i wanted to book a weekend away for the both of us as a suprise but i know that if i just went and booked it he would tell me that he has planned to spend it with his DM/family/friends.

He said that he thinks that a weekend away just me and him would be a great idea and a lovely suprise (We havent been away together just the two of us every since we met!)

So i went and booked a really expensive hotel, Theatre trip and a meal out the first night and a day out the second day (2 nights).

Well its MIL's 50th birthday and she rang him yesterday to tell him of the plans (On the dates that we were going to be away) that she was thinking/to ask if we can make it.

DH has come home and dropped this on me (He knew what dates i booked the weekend away as we talked about it for a couple of weeks/I was hinting ideas) He said that he cannot miss his DM's 50th so i would have to cancel everything so we could attend, I asked him if she is able to change the dates for the weekend before/after as nothing is booked yet and he said "No way, Don't be selfish".

She hasn't booked anything i have had this booked for 6 months and i asked him beforehand if these dates were okay because i knew MIL would kick up a fuss if i just booked it without talking about dates etc.

I have looked into changing the dates of our weekend but the hotel has no rooms avaliable.

So he said that i have to cancel everything i had booked as he wants to go to MIL's "Do".

It has cost me well over £1000 for everything.

This has REALLY upset me but he said "Its my DM's 50th so im going".

I asked him if he told her that i had a weekend planned for him and me for his birthday weekend and he just said "I forgot to".

AIBU to be VERY upset about this?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/08/2012 22:48
ChaoticismyLife · 28/08/2012 22:50

OP where are you? I know this thread has gotten a little ahem...heated but we're on your side. Well most of us anyway, the rest you can ignore Wink

DashingForTheFinishLine · 28/08/2012 22:50

DD is a redhead!!!!

PooPooOnMars · 28/08/2012 22:53

What a dick!

MammyToMany · 28/08/2012 22:53

I made the ultimate mistake of having a baby due on mil 50th birthday. My god, the drama of it for 9 loooong months.

I would be going with a friend.

CouthyMow · 28/08/2012 22:55

He'd probably say yes then!

HKat · 28/08/2012 22:57

Confused - don't listen to Nappydodger, that was a cruel and unnecessary comment. YANBU. I would be very hurt if my DP did this - and I second the above suggestions of taking a friend and trying to enjoy yourself without any of his selfish-sounding family!

CouthyMow · 28/08/2012 22:58

The older two carry shopping for people too. They offer. They have been trained to put their own clothes in the wash basket, put their folded clothes away, don't expect things ironed because I don't do ironing, the oldest is learning to cook, they can wash up...

DashingForTheFinishLine · 28/08/2012 22:58
Nappydodger · 28/08/2012 23:02

Ahhhh right, so anyone with an opinion that isn't "no your not being unreasonable what a total ba£&?rd" is to be regarded as wrong. I get it, this is a worlds strongest woman contest.

Freshletticiaandslugs · 28/08/2012 23:06

Jesus. What a twat your DH is being. Tell him you are going without him and taking someone else instead.

Tanith · 28/08/2012 23:06

I'm another who can't believe the fuss some are making for a 50th birthday party. Heavens! I grew out of birthday parties when I was 9! If my mum didn't ring me up to wish me happy birthday, I'd never know it was my birthday.

Op, if you don't feel able to go yourself, sell as much of the treat as you can to recoup your losses. Buy him a birthday card. Use the money to book some sessions with a counsellor to see if this relationship is in any way worth saving.

CouthyMow · 28/08/2012 23:07

I'll buy my hat! Grin

Xales · 28/08/2012 23:11

Nappydodger do you think her H has the right to tell OP she will be going even though they agreed to do something together before hand and given that she has offered to go away with a friend so he can still go to his mothers party?

gimmecakeandcandy · 28/08/2012 23:14

He went and spent your first mothers day as a mum with his mum who usually never even celebrates - she did that out of spite and now you are going to cancel going away?! You are mad - mad to put up with a pathetic mummys boy. The only thing I will say yabu for is booking a weekend away in her actual 50th as you should have know this would happen!

Please grow a backbone ans just go with a friend - your mil sounds like a tear so why go to her party? Ans stop making any effort with her as she is a nasty bully and the more effort you make the worse she will be!

clam · 28/08/2012 23:14

So, when he said "this is what's happening and you're going with me, like it or not" I take it you didn't laugh in his face and ask him if had mistaken himself for your dad, and you for a 6 year old.

You need to tell him that it is not for him to decide that there will be "no discussion." This issue will not be resolved until you have reached a compromise that you are BOTH satisfied with.

If he can be arsey, so can you. And I think it's your wish to avoid an argument that has partly led to him thinking he can make such ridiculous statements as these.

clam · 28/08/2012 23:15

xales don't even bother trying to engage with nappydodger. Waste of time.

zippey · 28/08/2012 23:24

MrsTerryPratchett - I agree that the Husband is being unreasonable - if what the OP is saying is true (I have no doubt to disbelieve her, but we are seeing the situation from only one point of view) - then she booked the trip after the husband told her to book.

Then he changed his mind, as he is entitled to do, without being called nasty names. Its out of order, but he probably had not thought things through six months previously when he gave the OP the go-ahead to book.

What I am saying is, its his birthday, make it enjoyable for him, and wanting to spend it with his family does not seem unreasonable of the guy. Its his mum, she's 50, you dont have much time with your parents. Surely its a sign of a good person that they love their family?

If it was the OP's birthday, Id look on things differently.

The OP gesture was great, and she should not be out of pocket.

As for the man-hating comments, it was an uncalled for dig, Im sorry, but not entirely untrue.

SausageSmuggler · 28/08/2012 23:25

I'm not a man hater Hmm I managed to marry one who is pretty decent and my DS has the makings of a fine gentleman. BUT OP your DH is being a prize dick. You gave him ample opportunity to make sure the weekend was free and he said yes. His whole dad-like attitude (we're going that's final) stinks. Whether he ends up going away with you or you go to this party with him it'll be under duress and won't be enjoyable. I strongly agree with the others who have suggested going with a friend. This might seem harsh but from what you've said about the IL's it doesn't sound like they would appreciate you being there anyway so you may as well enjoy the weekend.

NovackNGood · 28/08/2012 23:26

Do people who drip feed do so to try to see what percentage of people change their opinoon in their favour after the drips?

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/08/2012 23:31

Fair dos zippey. I think he's have got a lot less name-calling and a lot more sympathy if his response had been less master-and-commander and more polite.

As for the man-hating stuff. As has been said many times on many threads, plenty of us love the men in our lives (I am particularly partial to my DH Smile) but hate woman-bullying-EA-Mummy's-boy-ordering-around-non-housework-doing-man-children.

bobbledunk · 28/08/2012 23:37

I'd make his life hell until he gave in. If he doesn't you should definitely go yourself, bring a friend, have a great time and prepare yourself for life without him. There are better men out there, he's an arsehole.

moajab · 28/08/2012 23:57

OP, if you cancel the weekend will your ILs suddenly respect you and think you're 'good enough' for their son? Will you DH suddenly start putting you first? I doubt it. So what have you got to loose by going on the weekend with a friend, or with your mum? (After all I'm sure your MIL will want your DS at her special day!)
When I turn 50 my DSs will range from 17 - 23. I hope they will want to celebrate with me and bring any partners they may have. But I would be horrified if they and their DPs if they have one would loose £1000 to attend my party. I wouldn't want them to loose £100! I would simply change the date for my celebration.
Seriously, if you cancel your weekend you will stay the one who can be relied upon to always be in second place.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/08/2012 00:15

"How do i let him know that i do feel hurt about this without causing a drama?"
Confused74, you are not the one causing a drama here - he is.

"He said that there is no discussion we are going and thats that"
WE are going? There is no "we" without the agreement of both parties. He can go. I would seriously advise you to NOT go. Take a friend and enjoy your weekend break. Something tells me you have more than earned it.

Please pay attention to the post by Xales (Tue 28-Aug-12 21:10:26). She is spot-on. If you don't want life to be like that, then now is the time to dig in your heels. Otherwise he and his family will continue to ride roughshod over you. Does that really appeal to you, for the rest of your married life?

Jemma1111 · 29/08/2012 07:10

It Pisses me off how the Op's H is getting such a slating , none of us even know him !

I would guess the reason hes digging his heels in is not because he's such a 'mummys boy' but he's thinking that the Op has tried to get one over his mum.

Why hasn't the op told her MIL about the weekend away already ?
Was she hoping that MIL would find out at the last minute and quite rightly be upset ?

I think there's more to this story than we're getting and for all we know the Op could be jealous of the relationship her H has with his mum and is trying to drive a wedge between them .