Is my DH is a selfish bastard?

[Confused74]

6 Months ago i asked DH is he wanted to be with family and friends for his birthday as he shares the same birthday with my MIL and i wanted to book a weekend away for the both of us as a suprise but i know that if i just went and booked it he would tell me that he has planned to spend it with his DM/family/friends.

He said that he thinks that a weekend away just me and him would be a great idea and a lovely suprise (We havent been away together just the two of us every since we met!)

So i went and booked a really expensive hotel, Theatre trip and a meal out the first night and a day out the second day (2 nights).

Well its MIL's 50th birthday and she rang him yesterday to tell him of the plans (On the dates that we were going to be away) that she was thinking/to ask if we can make it.

DH has come home and dropped this on me (He knew what dates i booked the weekend away as we talked about it for a couple of weeks/I was hinting ideas) He said that he cannot miss his DM's 50th so i would have to cancel everything so we could attend, I asked him if she is able to change the dates for the weekend before/after as nothing is booked yet and he said "No way, Don't be selfish".

She hasn't booked anything i have had this booked for 6 months and i asked him beforehand if these dates were okay because i knew MIL would kick up a fuss if i just booked it without talking about dates etc.

I have looked into changing the dates of our weekend but the hotel has no rooms avaliable.

So he said that i have to cancel everything i had booked as he wants to go to MIL's "Do".

It has cost me well over £1000 for everything.

This has REALLY upset me but he said "Its my DM's 50th so im going".

I asked him if he told her that i had a weekend planned for him and me for his birthday weekend and he just said "I forgot to".

AIBU to be VERY upset about this?

My first husband - seen with a lot of hindsight -was very controlling but I couldn't see it at the time. If I was invited to family or friends' events he would say that I could go but not to bother coming back.
He made me feel as if I should be grateful he had stuck with me. Your husband's comments remind me of my ex and I now feel I had a lucky escape leaving him after many years of toeing the line.

To be told that he loves his mum more than you and expecting you to accept that is a huge red flag. My advice is to consider if this is really the man you want to stay with and also call his bluff and go away for the weekend. That way it'll bring things to a head one way or another.

You should be the centre of his universe and reason for living - not his mum.

Good luck

That's horrible, feel really bad for you. I think in hindsight I probably would have booked the weekend after the one you have booked, as it is obvious that if your birthday is on the Monday you'd celebrate the weekend before. And she is 50 which is abig deal.
However, both him and her do not sound nice. at all. Please go, don't waste that amount of money, go and enjoy it x

Oh dear, he loves his mummy more than you. Big red flag I'm afraid. I don't think its possible to be happy with someone who wont cut the apron strings to this extent. You deserve better.

OP, I think this is a deal breaker, if you agree to cancel then you might as well give up being an individual and an equal partner. Sometime a line needs to be drawn and this is it. How dare he tell you that his M comes first. Are you prepared to live with that knowledge? What he said was cruel and must erode your sense of your own value. Please don't let him have that power over you. Stand up to him or you won't be able to do in future

Oh my, I have read the whole thread and up until your last post OP I was going to say that you have set yourself up to fail here and that you should have played the game by leaving that weekend free regardless, but after that last post I'm saying leave the bastard.

I have two DSs and I would be mortified should they do such a thing to their DW to suit me ( they are only 8 & 10 right now :)

you know what confused - your MIL is NOT the problem. Your husband is.

he is emotionally abusive and a bully to boot.

Your husband is a controlling cunt. My husband is very close to his mum but he would never, ever behave in such a way nor would he ever tell me he loves him mum more than me. Does he love his mum more than his own child? He's cruel and will never be anything but. You have to consider what's best for you and your DC and from everything you've said it's being anywhere but near this vile man.

He has told me that MIL will always be his piority and that's how it is, He also told me that he loves her more than me

Jesus. Cancel the weekend, get your £1,000 back and use it as a deposit on a new flat. This is officially my first ever leave the bastard

should have pointed out that by page 9 when I read your post this morning re leaving etc that is my response.

I am with xales all the way here. and

Thankyou for the advice.

When DH says 'I tell you to leave because I know you never will' He says this because it is the truth, I do love him and I always have, Before I met him he wasn't close to his family at all but now he just does everything the MIL says. I have had plenty of situations like this for example MIL stayed with us for the weekend and told my DH that she wanted it to be just him and her so she completely ignored me and my DS (He was 2 months at the time) She started crying saying that my DH never wants to be with her and I felt so uncomfortable that I went to my DM's house until MIL left.

My DM has always been honest with me as I have always told her to be and she says that I am not in a healthy relationship and she worrys about me. She knows how my Inlaws have been since me and DH met, they have always wanted his attention and have asked him to come over when he was supposed to spend the night with me and he would just up and leave, I asked if it would be a good idea that I came because I wanted to get to know them and he says that he wants it just him and his family so I would have to make other arrangements.

It has been ever since we have been together but he always voiced that he was always with friends and hardley ever saw family before we met.

I dont know why but I would not dream of going with a friend knowing how much drama it would cause between my DH and the Inlaws, I have put up with it for a long time and this has upset me more than anything because I made sure that it was okay beforehand.

He knows that I would never leave, I do love him and that is why he says those things.

That's all I can think of as a solution.

OP - is your not-so DH your first and only proper relationship because this is NOT how it should be.

There should be mutual respect and love for each other. I am seeing a serious amount of disrespect on your DH part and I just feel that if that is how he is now - then it will never get any better.

I think you have two options.

1. stay with him, accept you will always be way at the bottom of his priority list with any-one and everyone above you. Be unhappy and disappointed all your time together as you will always be waiting for the next let down as he places everyone elses needs and wishes before yours. Be alone for all celebrations (eg mothers day) and eventually never see your own family at other occasions eg Christmas as his will ALWAYS take priority - because they will start celebrating them if you say you want to do your own thing.

or

2. Do not be pressurized or bullied into cancelling or going to MIL. This is not you being "awkward" or "antagonizing" - it is you standing up for yourself and demanding the respect that you deserve. If he says that this will be the end then he doesn't give a hoot about you - and no amount of pacifying him and doing as you are told will ever change that

Have some self respect and show your DS how a real relationship should be conducted

OP, I know it's a very hard thing to accept, but this really does mean your marriage is not only effectively over, but it's a sham. What a hurtful thing to say. You absolutely deserve more from a relationship then this man can give you - both love and respect.

He's not really giving you either, is he?

Go on the weekend - either with a friend, or by yourself - and use the time to do some serious thinking about what you want to do with the rest of your life and where you go from here.

Best of luck. Stay strong. You CAN do this.

If your DH knows you will never leave, that pretty much gives him free reign to treat you however he wishes.

I really think you need to have a good hard think about this marriage. If you have sons, do you want them to grow up thinking this is how you treat your wife? If you have daughters, do you want them to grow up thinking its acceptable for a man to treat them this way?

Abuse doesnt always leave a physical mark you know.

Confused, I can't imagine how dreadful this situation is for you. You seem like a lovely, kind and caring woman. But you are in an abusive relationship and you deserve much better. Would you be able to stay with your DM for a while? You deserve a partner who will put you and your DS first and that isn't your husband. I never say this but you have to consider leaving this man.

OP...your husband has no respect for you. And to be honest, I can see why. You do whatever he says. I can't believe you are cancelling your weekend because he says he wants to go to his mothers. I can't believe he told you he loves his mother more than you. I can't believe he tells you, "If you don't like it, leave." And I can't believe you don't stand up for yourself after all this.

This man is an utter, utter bastard.

Then you are doomed and will have a pretty shit life and your ds will learn that you and probably women in general are useless and worthless. Harsh but the truth boiled down. You have a chance now to save your marriage, your happiness and your sons well being.

Sorry to say, but I think your DM is right, it is not a healthy relationship where he walks all over you and you just let him.

If you are prepared to put up with it because you love him, you are not doing either of you and particularly your DS any favours at all.

Do you really want your DS growing up thinking that this is how you should treat women?

I have a feeling that the OP wont leave him. She will continue to be a doormat and pander to his every whim whilst posting on here about it. She will continue to get the same advice of "Leave the Bast&&&d" But she wont because she "loves him".

I personally can not see what there is to love about people like this and I suspect it is more the thought that one day they will magically transform into the kind of person they want them to be. Alas as we all know that WILL NEVER HAPPEN and in 20 years time when the bastard has left her for someone else she will be left wondering what happened to her life.

Oh - and she will be all alone as he would have isolated her from all friends and family by then and her son will also be a shit as he has had his father as a role model and seen how he treats his mother.

What a nasty bully. Think very carefully about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this bullying, controlling, callous, unloving man. He'll only get worse. The worst thing you can do is pander to him.

I do think you need to mentally prepare yourself for the end of your marriage, not because he'll leave you but because no matter what you do he is still going to be the horrible little bully that his mother raised. Start mentally detaching from him now. Take the weekend away with a friend (ignore him, go anyway and have a great time) to do just that. Indifference to him is the first step to freedom. Do be careful though, as one poster above says he thinks of you as a pet or possession, get as much information and support as you can before ridding yourself of the prick.

You can start over sometime soon or you'll be doing it as a shell of a person after 20 torturous years, don't waste your life.

HOW can you put up with this arsehole? What are you getting from your marriage? Is it purely because of your house and finances, because you are getting absolutely nothing in the way of live and respect from him. I know it's very easy for others to say, but in your position I would HAVE to leave.

Please listen to your mum - she's right - this is NOT a healthy relationship for you or your son.

OP you need to think long and hard about the answers to these questions:

1. Are you happy and fulfilled in your relationship?

1. Do you want your DS to grow up thinking this is a good example of a successful marriage?

Your mum sounds wise. Take your DS and stay with her for a few days.

Instead of worrying about leaving - which it sounds like you really can't do atm - why not invest in some counselling. It might help you to work through why you can't leave a relationship that isn't healthy.

Op do you have a son or a daughter?

Do you really want your son to grow up thinking that this is how you treat woman?

Or do you want your daughter thinking this bullish behaviour is normal?

Seriously you owe your child more than this. Put them first and get out of this abusive relationship.

I dont know why but I would not dream of going with a friend knowing how much drama it would cause between my DH and the Inlaws

What you need to remind yourself and keep reminding yourself over and over again, is that you are not the cause of the drama.

You seem to have got it into your head that you need to keep the peace and smooth things over all the time, but actually you are not responsible for him, or the drama he causes.

You can't fix everything.