Is my DH is a selfish bastard?

[Confused74]

6 Months ago i asked DH is he wanted to be with family and friends for his birthday as he shares the same birthday with my MIL and i wanted to book a weekend away for the both of us as a suprise but i know that if i just went and booked it he would tell me that he has planned to spend it with his DM/family/friends.

He said that he thinks that a weekend away just me and him would be a great idea and a lovely suprise (We havent been away together just the two of us every since we met!)

So i went and booked a really expensive hotel, Theatre trip and a meal out the first night and a day out the second day (2 nights).

Well its MIL's 50th birthday and she rang him yesterday to tell him of the plans (On the dates that we were going to be away) that she was thinking/to ask if we can make it.

DH has come home and dropped this on me (He knew what dates i booked the weekend away as we talked about it for a couple of weeks/I was hinting ideas) He said that he cannot miss his DM's 50th so i would have to cancel everything so we could attend, I asked him if she is able to change the dates for the weekend before/after as nothing is booked yet and he said "No way, Don't be selfish".

She hasn't booked anything i have had this booked for 6 months and i asked him beforehand if these dates were okay because i knew MIL would kick up a fuss if i just booked it without talking about dates etc.

I have looked into changing the dates of our weekend but the hotel has no rooms avaliable.

So he said that i have to cancel everything i had booked as he wants to go to MIL's "Do".

It has cost me well over £1000 for everything.

This has REALLY upset me but he said "Its my DM's 50th so im going".

I asked him if he told her that i had a weekend planned for him and me for his birthday weekend and he just said "I forgot to".

AIBU to be VERY upset about this?

I think the MIL is getting a bit of a a hard time here (on this issue - the mothers day thing is weird).

If DH had said, 'sorry mum, we can't make that weekend, how about the following?' she probably would have changed it. that was why she asked him after all.

I agree that you do need to make the drama because he can't dictate what you do or do not talk about. If you don't put your foot down now this is just going to keep happening.

I don't think this is an in law issue - i think your thread title is right - your DH is a selfish bastard

It is my 40th this year BTW and because of holidays and family commitments, it looks as if the trip I was going to get 6 months after my birthday won't happen next year either. Oh well, I'm a grown-up, no harm done. I certainly wouldn't expect DD to cancel a trip for her and her DH because of my special day. And, I really like birthdays. I don't like being a controlling, passive aggressive cowbag, though.

I bet you that DH forgot it was a special birthday, didn't bother to check dates cos thought och aye will be fine and I 100% agree with dixie's suggestions as to how to deal with it.

DH is embarrassed and thinks that he has a better chance with DW of changing arrangements than DM.

I had a surprise cake and a few friends round for my DM's 50th she was so fucking embarrassed she didn't want anyone to know she had reached 50...

Just tell MIL , "OMG I had no Idea you were fifty, you look so young DH never told me your DOB, I just assumed you were like 44, so so sorry not to be able to make your big day, I guess DH totally forgot to check dates with you, I would totally love to come, but I just cannot get a refund/childcare for a different day, perhaps me and DH can take you out as a special treat on your actual birthday, as that is your special day, that is the day we really really want to spend with you...or some other BS

WillNeverGetALicense - exactly, my DS would get an oops upside the head if he was this bad towards his wife. In fact, my 10yo was asking me what I was typing about (he's about to go to bed after the film he & his sister are watching finished in a couple of mins, last late night before it's back to school bedtimes hip hip hooray. He told me with a face that if course he would go with his wife. I asked him what if he HAD forgotten to ask me, where would he go. He looked for a second, then said he would ring me and explain to me, see if I could change my date so he could go with his wife. I said what if I said no, and that he HAD to be there. His answer was "But you wouldn't say that?" I said what if you wanted to come to my meal. His reply was "well, I could ask my wife if she wanted to take her best friend she could still have fun then".

Case closed. If a 10yo thinks your DH is being an idiot, then surely there's no argument.

The OP said that the MIL hadn't actually booked anything yet, in which case any normal person would say 'well, I'll have my do the weekend after if you're going away the weekend before'. The MIL and husband are being ridiculous.

But EightiesChick - the MIL doesn't know because the DH didn't tell her

Oh you ANBU.
It's difficult to think of something helpful to say on account of almost bursting into flames after reading your posts.

Have you tried to appeal to your MIL on this one?
Could you sell on or give away the weekend as a gift to someone lovely?

I'm not sure what I would do. I know I wouldn't be able to go to the MIL's do if forced to cancel my weekend.
I think I'd be tempted to join in the manipulative game, agree to go and then feign an illness (you already have a sitter booked so you could just have a day off from DH and ILs without having to go away to make your point).
That's probs not healthy advice though.
bloody good luck.

Well this is going to happen every year from now on.

His mother will be more important than you every mother day. Any plans you make will be a waste of time as soon as his mother makes other arrangements.

What about Christmas, your child's birthday, your families birthdays, your birthday.

He is telling you loudly and clearly this is how it will be. You cannot change that. You can only change how you deal with it and what you consider more important.

Back down now, back down next time, back down the time after that. Spend special days alone with your child or with them every time as he is telling you this is how it is going to be.

Just thought I'd repost what Xales wrote earlier as it might have been lost in the chatter. It's bang on.

OP, this ^^^ is exactly what you have to look forward to. I am for you. Please stand up for yourself, or at the very least start thinking about standing up for yourself the next time. Because there will be a next time and a time after that and after that. Your child is not even 1 yet, right? You have a lifetime of MIL's interference and "D"H's promises broken as he puts his mum and family before you. You will always be second best, or third or even fourth best if you have more kids.

Fwiw I haven't been told "this is what's happening and you're going with me, like it or not" since I was a child. I would laugh in the face of anyone who tried to pull that on me as an adult.

Does your DH always try to treat you like a child?

Yes CouthyMow Case Closed!

By the way, your DS will make a lovely DH one day!

Hands off CouthyMow's DS, he's marrying my DD.

Fwiw I haven't been told "this is what's happening and you're going with me, like it or not" since I was a child. I would laugh in the face of anyone who tried to pull that on me as an adult.

Exactly, notmyproblem!

fwiw if i pulled a stunt like this with regard to my mum she would be angry with me

I plan NOT to be the MIL from Hell, having had one myself, I know how NOT to be a good MIL, so I assume if I do things the way I would have liked my Ex-MIL to do things, then I can't go far wrong...

Sorry Im late to the thread, and you probably wont like what I have to say.

You are being a little unreasonable, but not entirely, and you certainly should not be out of pocket.

Firstly, you have been really considerate organising this weekend away for his birthday, so you are trying to be nice to him on his birthday. But if he would rather spend the day with his mum celebrating her 50th, which is a landmark occasion, then surely you should do this instead. After all, it is HIS birthday.

However, you shouldnt be out of pocket, and he was unreasonable not to let you know of the change of plans. As it isnt your fault, then you should get the money you spent from him.

He sounds considerate to his family and not a bad guy, certainly not selfish and you sound like a caring wife as well. Im sorry this has left you so much out of pocket. I think you should disregard much of the advice on this thread from the usual nutty man hating mumsnetters.

You don't want a drama? But you're right in the middle of one, regardless. And being painted as the bad guy here, when all you tried to do was create a nice birthday treat for your h. Who doesn't bloody well deserve it, by the sounds of things.

It might be time to tell him that he needs to make a choice between his mother and his wife. But to bear in mind whilst he does so, which of the two of you he wants to have sex with in future.

zippey two things. Firstly, I agree that it is his birthday and he should get to do what he wants within reason. However, OP asked. He could have said, "I'd like to spend the day with my Mum". She asked, he told her to book.

Secondly, the usual nutty man hating mumsnetters. Sigh.

Hello nappydodger zippey.

It's OK ladies, don't fight over my DS's, I have 3! One's 10, one's almost 9, and one's 18mo.

It's a bit hard to be a man hater when I have got 3 future men living in my house!

In about 25 mins it will be my 43rd birthday and I am planning my mahoosive party for my 50th already. Because I was humungously pregnant for my 40th and the rest of the time I simply don't bother. But the point is that if you have a significant birthday on the horizon and someone checks with you six months before, you would say, 'oh hang on, I'm planning a big one this time, how can we manage to do both?

It is SCREAMING here that the OP's H simply didn't bother and is now trying to bully her to cover his tracks.

OP - your H is behaving like a thoughtless arse and I am appalled at the Mothers' Day story. Go and enjoy yourself.

Couthy - bagsy the 9yo for my DD please!

Please please don't give in over this. You are allowing people to walk all over you, ruin your plans, waste your money. It doesn't sound like either of them have the slightest regard for your feelings, don't give them what they want: a meek, timid woman they can look down on. So for you.

Jesus, what a load of old poop. I'm certainly not any kind of man-hater, I married one many years ago and am still with him, and I gave birth to one too. (Who is now a strong and independent adult; we have a great relationship but I'm sure he would not dream of putting me ahead of any DW he may be lucky enough to acquire. Nor would I expect him to.)

Seems to me the OP is trying to deal with two people who have no respect for her at all her DH cares not a jot about the efforts she has made on his behalf; his instructions about her compulsory attendance at MIL's party would be laughable if they weren't so sinister-- controlling.

Sadly I get the impression the OP is going to comply with them nonetheless. But even if she does they probably won't thank her for going or for putting their wishes first. As others have said better than I, Confused, -- take warning; this is how it's going to be for you in the future unless you stand your ground now.

I'll ask him in the morning...he does prefer redheads though...

He says that redheads hair shimmers like the sun.