Is my DH is a selfish bastard?

[Confused74]

6 Months ago i asked DH is he wanted to be with family and friends for his birthday as he shares the same birthday with my MIL and i wanted to book a weekend away for the both of us as a suprise but i know that if i just went and booked it he would tell me that he has planned to spend it with his DM/family/friends.

He said that he thinks that a weekend away just me and him would be a great idea and a lovely suprise (We havent been away together just the two of us every since we met!)

So i went and booked a really expensive hotel, Theatre trip and a meal out the first night and a day out the second day (2 nights).

Well its MIL's 50th birthday and she rang him yesterday to tell him of the plans (On the dates that we were going to be away) that she was thinking/to ask if we can make it.

DH has come home and dropped this on me (He knew what dates i booked the weekend away as we talked about it for a couple of weeks/I was hinting ideas) He said that he cannot miss his DM's 50th so i would have to cancel everything so we could attend, I asked him if she is able to change the dates for the weekend before/after as nothing is booked yet and he said "No way, Don't be selfish".

She hasn't booked anything i have had this booked for 6 months and i asked him beforehand if these dates were okay because i knew MIL would kick up a fuss if i just booked it without talking about dates etc.

I have looked into changing the dates of our weekend but the hotel has no rooms avaliable.

So he said that i have to cancel everything i had booked as he wants to go to MIL's "Do".

It has cost me well over £1000 for everything.

This has REALLY upset me but he said "Its my DM's 50th so im going".

I asked him if he told her that i had a weekend planned for him and me for his birthday weekend and he just said "I forgot to".

AIBU to be VERY upset about this?

This is what he will do to you for the rest of your life Agree!

Op, what happens when your dc has an important date of some sort? Interview for uni/Graduation from uni, gets their heart broken, wedding, first baby? What happens if that is due to/happens to occur on your MILs birthday? He will go to her instead of being with you & your dc. He is telling you that now. LISTEN.

How much are you going to let your dc suffer? Because they will. Time & time again they will have their stuff cancelled/delayed/rearranged or not have their dad there at all simply because he doesn't think they are worth it.

And this is what he is telling you. He is telling you that you are not worth his time over his mother. This is also how he will view your dcs. If you can't leave to make YOUR life better, leave to make theirs better.

I grew up thinking I wasn't important. Being emotionally abused by not having the support, nurturing & love that I needed/wanted/should have had. Being left in situations to cope on my own (left to wake from a general at [age] 9, throwing up blood, she wouldn't come, she had to work). And it hurts even now that she did that. What hurts more, is that people around me (my dad, stepdad) LET it happen. I don't blame them as much as I do her, but I do think they let me down SO badly. DON'T let this be your legacy! Nor your dcs. I cannot describe the pain of knowing/feeling that you are not important to the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. I don't beliove I have to, because you must hurt yourself. Magnify that. Now apply that to your dc. Can you stay knowing that is their life, from now until ... well for ever? At least if you aren't together, they may not feel his absence so keenly.

OP, why does he say you would have to leave? The marital home is yours too and he can't kick you out. You're not going to have a happy marriage unless you learn to stand up for yourself. I feel so sorry for you as life can be so much better than this. :(

Those of us who have been in abusive relationships can see this

Some of use who haven't been there can see it too, couthymow. ;) I just think zippey doesn't want to, or is, quite possibly.....a family member?

"I don't believe he will end it btw "

I doubt it as he is on to too much of a good thing.

He does what he wants when he wants-& OP does too!

differentnameforthis. Perhaps a bit far fetched there.

The person who called this a hostage situation is right. OP, you seem to be experiencing Stockholm Syndrome , which seems to be quite common in cases of domestic abuse which this is. Please read this link.

I completely agree with the majority of posters. This is not a marriage. Your husband is an abusive, uncaring, twisted, manipulative monster. With him as a role model your DS will turn out the same. Is that what you want? Really? How dare he tell you whether or not you can go to your DMs! Ring her and tell her what's happened, and ask her to pick you and DS up, pack some stuff then leave while your H is at work. Do not go back. Get a solicitor. Divorce him and live a lovely life with your DS. You can do it. I've been a single parent for over 6 years, and I know you can do it. We will support you.

Zippy hadn't read the whole thread when she first posted, but she did go on to read the thread and then agreed it's abusive.

Oh this thread is absolutely heart-breaking! I wish I could let the OP realise what proper, true love is. Because she has never experienced it, that much is clear.

Confused: your husband doesn't like you going to your mum's because she can see the situation for what it really is and tries to make you see it. Your husband knows this and prevents you from hearing the truth.

I feel so sorry for you. I am in a lovely healthy relationship and have been with my dh for 15 years. We respect each others families. We have 2 lovely respectful sons. I am certainly no man-hater but after reading this thread and realising that your problems go far far deeper than the birthday clash, I am going to suggest that you have no relationship worth keeping unfortunately. Leave him. And soon.

Confused - did you pay for the trip out of a joint account? If not, I'd insist he pay you back. If he refuses feed him tesco value meals every day until the cost is recouped (if you do the cooking). Or if you want to be slightly more civilised why not sit down and ask him to help find ways to recoup the money, so he realises how much you've spent.

Personally, after the way he's behaved I wouldn't choose to be around the bastard him for quite some time. While I think it would look petty going on the weekend with a friend simply to make a point about the money spent (mother in law will see it as a slight and this will not help relations in the future if you can see a future with this idiot) I think it is a justifiable course of action if you explain to your MIL that you simply do not wish to be around your DH at this point in time if you do not have to be.

Why not write her an email explaining that it was the way he reacted to the situation that is the issue which is half true (ie no apology and trying to bully you into coming to something that you would have come to of your own accord any way). If you say you are very sad to not be able to attend her birthday but just need some time to calm down for the benefit of your marriage, your non attendance will hopefully be seen as having nothing to do with her and everything to do with your own marital problems. This may not make much difference in her eyes if she's a horrible bitch generally unreasonable person but I think I would feel less petty telling my OH that I just will not be around him out of choice and outside the family home until I've calmed down than telling him I'm going because it would be a waste of money otherwise. Not that you ever proposed this yourself, but just in response to some of the other advice given.

All that said, in real life, I'd probably chicken out of this course of action and do what you will probably do. Suck it up and be very very angry indeed.

Confused

Your H will not change. He has no reason to. He knows he can treat you like shit. Put his mother before you. Put his mother before his own child and you will do nothing but suck it up.

He will suck all the joy and life from you until you are a hollow empty shell and then he will discard you for another model when you have nothing left. You may think you want to stay with him but that will not stop him from dumping you and wiping his feet on you on the way out the door. He will still continue to suck every bit of joy from your life though your child.

He will either treat his son like this or teach his son that this is the way relationships and women should be treated.

This is how your life is going to be if you stay with him because you love him

Your relationship does not have to end. It can be rebuilt and made into a decent marriage. However the only way for that to happen would be for you to make a stand and insist that he either becomes a decent loving husband and father or your relationship is over. Carry on being a door mat and he will carry on treating you with complete contempt like he is.

Confused you don't have to answer this post but my feeling is that whatever you had before him can't have been that great if he looks good. Was your DF a nice, respectful and loving man?

When you say you are lucky to be with someone like him, what did you mean? Is this because he's educated and you feel that your lack of qualifications make you inferior? Because it's not true. Education is great for bettering yourself, discovering new skills and passions etc., but it does not automatically make you a superior human being. All the phds in the world do not automatically make someone a good partner and parent. He controls you, neglects you, belittles you and allows others to belittle you. Why do you consider yourself lucky? You are a loving, considerate partner and mother to your child. He should consider himself lucky to have you. Please find help in RL - your mum, a friend, womans aid - and find the strength to see this man as he really is.
I'm not a big one for 'leave the bastard'. In fact I'd hope that if you call his bluff and go on the weekend or visit your mum, he might actually grow up, cut the apron strings and make the effort to become the sort of partner you want, that you deserve. But if he doesn't - I'm assuming you are both young, if his mum is just turning 50 - then do you really want to spend 40, 50 maybe even 60 years feeling like this?

I'm so sorry, confused because you love your husband so much while in return, to put it very bluntly, it seems he just despises you. That is very harsh, I know, but this is what his words and actions are demonstrating. He can say what he likes to you, tell you what to do or what not to do, and you take it. He has no respect for you. It doesn't even sound as if he likes you very much.

I wonder if you were very young when you first met and are 'imprinted' on him to such an extent that you cannot imagine life without him. I'm just so sad for you because I don't think your situation will change for the better, unless you stand up for yourself and perhaps force some respect from him.

I hated writing that but I did it in the hope that it will add to the other reactions you have had on here and may lead you to re-evaluate your relationship with him. You sound so unhappy -- is he really worth it?

This is a poisonous situation.

If it was a lighter-hearted thread I'd say fuck him and go on the weekend with a friend or your mother. But this is clearly the tip of a huge and sad iceberg.

Nothing useful to add, but I agree with the advice to contact Women's Aid and/or think about relationship counselling.

confused are you able to list what it is you love about him?

what is it about him that makes you lucky?

and on a different topic to the questions ive asked did you know that chances are if you both parted company he would be the one who had to leave not you?

also should you choose to go out for any reason he cannot prevent you from returning and if he did try a court would grant you a occupation order preventing him from doing so

Run like the wind to your mother's and don#t look back.

Following on from Socknickingpixie's idea to list what you love about him could you also make a list of what attributes you think would make a wonderful partner?

What makes someone lovable and special? Is it really being educated? Or is it something else?

What sort of partner would you hope your DS would become when he is grown up?

How much of what you really want (and deserve) is your H giving you?

OP what an awful situation. You have had some great advice here. You really sound like you lack confidence in yourself.

Feeling lucky that he wants you. He is lucky you put up with his shit.

And please, please understand that in a normal relationship you do not ask permission to visit your Mum.

I think you should go to your Mum, and not go back tbh.

OP please leave this nasty, controlling, horrible man. He has crushed your spirit.

You can do it. You have the support of your DM.

You can do it

I mean

Delurking here. I haven't read all the thread but I've read enough to get the jist. This guy is a toxic bastard.

Has anyone suggested yet that he might've agreed to the OP's birthday Weekend plans all those months ago because he knew this would happen? He set her up? It's just the sort of thing my wanker ex would've done. Sorry if that's projecting too much.

OP I promise that as soo as you've got out from under the control of this horrid abuser, you will feel so much stronger and better.

Oh my God, oh my God, I'm sorry to say this OP but what on earth are you doing with this abusive man? Why on earth are you bringing a child up in an emotionally abusive household?

Please please know that his behaviour is not love, it is abusive
your poor poor mother - she must be in bits and must wonder how her daughter could be with someone like your husband and even worse, sheust wonder how on earth you can't see he is so abusive to you.

I feel sick for you and especially for your child who - if you stay - will see y throw her life away on an abusive relationship and even worse will think this kind of relationship is normal so will either be like daddy or choose someone like daddy.

You must LEAVE

OP - not sure if you are still reading this thread but just wanted to say - it must be very hard to hear other people discribe your relationship as abusive, even if you did have an inkling yourself from things your mum and other people in RL have said (along with your own feelings), but to see it is hard.

I found it hard when I came to that realisation that my ex was controlling and a bully, and that he didn't really love me, he loved having me to 'show off' - I found it hard to end that relationship, even though we weren't living together at that point and didn't have DCs. He had cut me off from the friends who were just my friends, and I realised I'd lose all of our 'joint friends' as they were really just his friends (and as a manipulative bully, they were all a little scared of him).

I know finding hte strength to walk away from someone like that when you are so much more committed as married with a child will be so hard, it's easy for emotionally strong people on the internet to say "leave the bastard" and not be the one who has to do it. It is probably easier ot hide this thread, do as you are told and not think about it.

But, at some point, you will need to find that strength, because he will bully and control you for the rest of your life. He is already trying to cut you off from your mother, who sounds suitably full of 'maternal stubboness' and isn't going ot let that happen. Have you lost contact with friends who were your friends before meeting him? You'd be surprised how many would like to hear from you again.

I'm sure he's convinced you that you will lose everything, but the law is going to favour you over him practically. Your mum will still be there for you. You will be able to rebuild networks. You will find new people who will be genuinely shocked when you (the new you they have got to know) describes her previous relationship, because they'll see a strong woman who won't put up with any shit and be shocked you did.

They will see a beautiful and intelligent woman who they can't imagine would feel grateful that this man was interested with being with her (believe me, I thought I was lucky to have my ex, he was frighteningly bright and I thought gorgeous compared to me, I look back at photos and see he was massively punching above his weight and have since realised not having his near genius levels of intelligence doesn't make me thick).

I have met many, many men who are far more successful than him, but without the wankerness. And I've met DH, who would do anything for me, and while gives excellent advice, would never tell me what to do.

Take your time. There's really no rush. Think about what people have said here. When you are ready, come back, there's a lot of people on here who can give great practical advice for rebuilding without him. If you want to have a better life, you can achieve it.

Come on, people. She's not going to leave him. She's said so. She thinks she loves him. He's done such a number on her that he's got her panicking because she's caused "a drama" and she's now doing backtracking like mad in order to diffuse a row.

confused you are where you are. Mumsnet will still be here for you when, one day in the future, you feel able to deal with the marriage you have ended up with.