Is my DH is a selfish bastard?

[Confused74]

6 Months ago i asked DH is he wanted to be with family and friends for his birthday as he shares the same birthday with my MIL and i wanted to book a weekend away for the both of us as a suprise but i know that if i just went and booked it he would tell me that he has planned to spend it with his DM/family/friends.

He said that he thinks that a weekend away just me and him would be a great idea and a lovely suprise (We havent been away together just the two of us every since we met!)

So i went and booked a really expensive hotel, Theatre trip and a meal out the first night and a day out the second day (2 nights).

Well its MIL's 50th birthday and she rang him yesterday to tell him of the plans (On the dates that we were going to be away) that she was thinking/to ask if we can make it.

DH has come home and dropped this on me (He knew what dates i booked the weekend away as we talked about it for a couple of weeks/I was hinting ideas) He said that he cannot miss his DM's 50th so i would have to cancel everything so we could attend, I asked him if she is able to change the dates for the weekend before/after as nothing is booked yet and he said "No way, Don't be selfish".

She hasn't booked anything i have had this booked for 6 months and i asked him beforehand if these dates were okay because i knew MIL would kick up a fuss if i just booked it without talking about dates etc.

I have looked into changing the dates of our weekend but the hotel has no rooms avaliable.

So he said that i have to cancel everything i had booked as he wants to go to MIL's "Do".

It has cost me well over £1000 for everything.

This has REALLY upset me but he said "Its my DM's 50th so im going".

I asked him if he told her that i had a weekend planned for him and me for his birthday weekend and he just said "I forgot to".

AIBU to be VERY upset about this?

Zippey. What started out as an OP about a husband's birthday treat revealed itself over the course of the thread to be a woman in an abusive relationship trying to make sense of why someone she loves could treat her in such a, frankly, disgusting way.

You may not have been a victim of an abusive relationship, and if not, I'm glad for you.

But the OP IS in an abusive relationship. Those of us who have been in abusive relationships can see this.

I found my way out of an abusive relationship via a thread on MN, which started off fairly innocuously like this one, but over the course of around a year, I had on-off help from the ladies on the relationship board to see it got what it was - not a decent, loving, mutually beneficial relationship, but an abusive relationship.

This relationship is so one-sided I'm surprised it hasn't fallen over. Where is the mutual benefit of this relationship for the OP? She certainly isn't being treated with respect, or like an equal partner in the relationship, is she?

And the threats to leave every time the OP wishes to do anything that SHE would like to do are EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE.

That is the crux of why this thread has taken the turn it has, Zippey.

Zippey. Did you read where he said she wasn't allowed to go to her mums? Where he said he wouldn't shed a tear if they split?

Hmm.. you already had history with your MIL so I'd have been tempted not to give her ammunition and ring her first if their is any clash w mothers days and birthdays tbh then you come up smelling of roses/looking oh so considerate. Whats happened on previous clashing birthdays ? Has anything else been tried/worked? You need a consistent strategy which leaves them no room to criticise ... Much as it pains me to say it I know you thought you were organised etc, but asking a bloke re dates 6months in advance is not going to work they don't think re repercussions and are rubbish at planning (even if thats their job in the 'real world', sigh ...). Tactics, my dear, tactics ...

would u put up with this then zippey you twat? have you actually read the whole thread? i'm guessing not, so fuck off

I think Zippey and Dazzle haven't read the whole thread...

Tactics????
FFS men are not children.
The fact is if the OP's husband actually wanted to go aay with his wife he would have called his mother and told her to pencil in the following weekend so that they could both celebrate their birthday.

This man has right from the start shown from his actions and words that he wasn't interested in his wife.

Seriously, is it not red flag that they haven't been away together ever? Not even a honeymoon?

And the fact that he turned the thing around and called his wife 'selfish' for planning this pre-approved weekend is just chilling.

Op why do you love him? Can you spell it out because I can't see how you could love someone who is so dismissive and unloving towards you?

Can you give some examples of things he says or does that make you feel love towards him?

OP it's so very hard to leave that first relationship. It's hard to imagine anything or anyone will ever come along to replace it.

But it may help you to know that most people are not married to their first loves. Most people have to try out a few people until they find the right person. Did any of those people stay with their first loves thinking, he's just a starter until I find someone better? No, we all thought that first love was it, was the one. Until it turned out not to be. But life goes on, you meet other people, better people.

If you could fully believe there is a better future for you out there, I think you would find the strength to leave this man. So give it a try. Look around you at other people. Do you think most women have to be afraid of going to their mothers? Or spending mothers day alone because their husband will always put his mother first? No, and there's no reason you should have to deal with that either.

Please listen to your mum. She knows what she's talking about.

OMG this is awful

It is time to grow a backbone Confused..This man is awful and l am so sorry for you.
If this is your first proper relationship can l ask how old you are? Is he a lot older.
The fact that he says he loves his DM more than you speaks volumes. You and your DS should always come first.
You are saying you CAN'T leave him--that's rubbish. The fact is you WON'T leave -there is no such thing as can't. You have to work out why you feel that you can't walk away because this man doesn't love you.

Crikey OP you need a really good book and or counsellor.

I know you say you love him and I believe that you believe this to be true, but it does come across as a horribly unhealthy relationship, co-dependent would be the word that comes to mind.

There is a lot of anger vented in these threads and for someone like you who is vulnerable, upset and pretty much alone, it must feel overwhelming.

I think you need to stick to your feelings about how hurt and let down you feel by your husband's (v unreasonable) behaviour as these are your clues to the root of your problems.

You can change this situation. You don't have to do it all overnight, but do listen to your mother, she has your interests at heart, to your feelings and do consider getting professional help from a counsellor, or at least by reading a good self-help book.

Dropdeadfred, you're not in a marriage, you're in a hostage situation.

He knows you love him while he doesn't care a damn about you. He's using your love for him as a stick to beat you with.

Is there any way you could access some counselling, just for yourself, to help you explore some of the issues this thread has thrown up?

OP this is so sad. Are you quite young? I see you and DH have not been together long (your MIL reckons your PG was a trick into marriage, and you say you have never been away together). How old is your DH? How is he in other ways - does he help at home and with your DS? Does he ever make you feel loved and wanted by doing something thoughtful for you (Cup of tea in bed? Carrying heavy things for you? Cooking breakfast ever? Birthday presents?)

On the narrow point of the post, did DH simply never mention the weekend away booking to his DM? Have you asked him why he said the dates were okay if he hadn't checked with her? Does he accept that this mess is HIS fault and that he is upsetting you a lot, or is it all somehow YOUR fault?

I wouldn't worry too much now about your weekend away and your MIL's 50th. You have bigger problems to address about the very nature of your relationship. Go away with your DM and have some time out to consider your options. Explain to DH that you are doing that as it is all booked, you won't enjoy DM's do, or be an asset there and that you need some time away from him to consider all of this. Wish him a good time. Hmmm...can you take DS with you (as I note that he was going to be staying with your DM), or do you trust DH with him for the weekend?

OK so Ive read the bit where he says that you cant come back if you visit your mum. That is awful. Its a form of bullying and control. You should not need to ask his permission to do things like this. Marriage is a partnership and a comprimise between two people, and if he did say that then that is out of order. She is your mum, and you love her as much as he loves his mum.

The other bits regarding him saying that you have to go to the 50th birthday, and that he doesnt want to go to the event you organised are things which are not worth breaking up over. However, the bit where you arent allowed to visit your mum would be a deal breaker for me.

Unfortunatly this is a no win situation and it doesnt seem like your husband is very considerate to your feelings. Someone suggested womens aid - they may be able to advise you given their wealth of experience. I would say that relationship councilling may be a good idea as well. Having a neutral third party between you is often a positive thing.

are you prepared for it to always be like this OP? because he has nothing to lose by being an absolute bastard to you if you are always just going to shrug it off and do exactly as you are told to do, you know that, and if you know that, and accept that, then you know your lot, and no amount of complaining, reasoned discussion or anything else is going to change it.

You have to call his bluff - its not a gamble. You are indeed in a hostage situation - one that you could get out of, if you chose to.

Your mother is completely right - its not healthy, its all about him, what he wants and he doesnt really care whether you mind or not.

is this ok with you? You keep saying you dont have a choice other than to cancel the weekend - yes you do. you are a grown up adult woman with a child - you do have a choice.

but its up to you whether you take it.
thats different. thats not having a choice - thats being scared of the consequences of that choice, but really looks at the options.....
if he does actually love you and care about you - it may wake him up if you go
if he does not love you and care about you - he wont care if you go - but knowing this, could you be happy staying in this "relationship"?
is doing nothing better than knowing for sure?
deep down, you do already know - thats what stops you from calling his bluff - but can you be happy loving someone who doesnt love you back?

how does he treat your son?

This isn't love, its a habit you have. Tell him to Fuck Off and leave and don't look back at his sorry ass.

If you stay, you can look forward to a life where your child learns the fathers opinions and values and treats you the same way.

I wouldn't usually say leave the bastard, and I'm not going to say it now as it's obvious from your posts that you arnt ready to do this

But.. I would make arrangements to go and stay with your mum for a while, regardless of what this control freak says.

Hes trying to isolate and control you, don't let him! He wouldn't shed a tear if you left, I think he'd be a snivelling wreak begging you to come back within a week. That's how men like him are. He's putting you down and trying to control you because really he knows he's not worthy of YOU, not the other way around and he's scared that one day soon your going to realise it too.

Abusive men try to separate you from your support system, in this case your mum. My ex tried to do the same thing, to keep me away from my parents. They know the people who love you will make you feel strong, that you deserve better. Your H does not want you to feel you deserve anything at all.

I really feel desperately sad for you, OP. I know what it's like when you go out of your way to do something nice for someone, only to have it turned around and used to punish you. The problem is not your MIL, it's your H all the way. It's not going to get any better, you'll just get more and more ground down and lose all sense that you deserve basic human kindness.

I was in this situation, and after counselling I did reluctantly realize I had to leave. I'm not underestimating how hard it is, but it really is the only way out. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your mother, to spare her the horrible anxiety she must be feeling for you. Above all, do it for your DS, so this is not his future too.

Thank you for reading all the posts, Zippey. Maybe now you can see that this isn't a mutually beneficial relationship.

And the birthday thing was bad enough, but YES, someone ordering around their wife like this IS a breaking offence, YES, someone making threats to leave if they don't get their own way IS emotionally abusive.

Each incident builds up a picture of how contemptuous the OP's husband is toward her, how little decency and love and respect he has for her. All of which IS a breaking offence.

If the birthday trip issue is taken in isolation, then maybe not a 'Leave the Bastard' thing, for sure.

But it's NOT in isolation. It's just one of a number of ways in which the OP's husband disregards her, separates her from her support network of her family, talks to her like dirt, makes her feel like she should be 'grateful' to have him, ignores her when he doesn't get his own way, tells her what she will and won't do like she is his possession, doesn't act lovingly, doesn't treat her properly, makes her feel uncomfortable in her own home, doesn't stand up for her when his Mother is verbally abusive and nasty towards her, has made her feel like she is worthless - which she isn't, the list goes on and on.

So to me, while the OP isn't ready for that, it could well be a 'Leave the Bastard' situation.

What is the OP getting from this relationship?

"I have never been in a serious relationship and I do feel that I am so lucky to have someone like him want to be with me, I have always felt this way.

He knows how much I love him that's why he says leave and tells me that he wouldn't shed a year if I did."

And you think you love him and are lucky to have him? OP, just read over what you have written in your posts, because words fail me!

Hear, hear, Couthy.

OP Unfortunately where there is an imbalance of love in a relationship there is an imbalance of power. The one who loves and cares less holds the power.

I have experienced this and was married for 25 years ? it was very difficult for me as my OH would threaten the relationship occasionally in a similar way.

Yours sounds many many times worse, and it will not improve, unless you take the initiative and enforce a more balanced relationship

Good luck.

"I have never been in a serious relationship and I do feel that I am so lucky to have someone like him want to be with me, I have always felt this way."

I missed that. What do you mean by someone like him?

He is lucky to be with you, not the other way round.

You are a lovely, caring, kind human being. The same cannot be said for him.