Is my DH is a selfish bastard?

[Confused74]

6 Months ago i asked DH is he wanted to be with family and friends for his birthday as he shares the same birthday with my MIL and i wanted to book a weekend away for the both of us as a suprise but i know that if i just went and booked it he would tell me that he has planned to spend it with his DM/family/friends.

He said that he thinks that a weekend away just me and him would be a great idea and a lovely suprise (We havent been away together just the two of us every since we met!)

So i went and booked a really expensive hotel, Theatre trip and a meal out the first night and a day out the second day (2 nights).

Well its MIL's 50th birthday and she rang him yesterday to tell him of the plans (On the dates that we were going to be away) that she was thinking/to ask if we can make it.

DH has come home and dropped this on me (He knew what dates i booked the weekend away as we talked about it for a couple of weeks/I was hinting ideas) He said that he cannot miss his DM's 50th so i would have to cancel everything so we could attend, I asked him if she is able to change the dates for the weekend before/after as nothing is booked yet and he said "No way, Don't be selfish".

She hasn't booked anything i have had this booked for 6 months and i asked him beforehand if these dates were okay because i knew MIL would kick up a fuss if i just booked it without talking about dates etc.

I have looked into changing the dates of our weekend but the hotel has no rooms avaliable.

So he said that i have to cancel everything i had booked as he wants to go to MIL's "Do".

It has cost me well over £1000 for everything.

This has REALLY upset me but he said "Its my DM's 50th so im going".

I asked him if he told her that i had a weekend planned for him and me for his birthday weekend and he just said "I forgot to".

AIBU to be VERY upset about this?

Treated with a 'bit more respect'?????? He doesn't respect you AT ALL!!! Why should you ask permission to visit your mother FFS?????

If you want to go and spend a weekend at your mum's you should be sitting down working a date that suits both of you, not asking for permission.

And what's this 'my house' business. If you are married it is your house as much as his.

I'm sorry to say but the man is a prize cunt. I think you're with him precisely because he is your first proper relationship and you've never had the opportunity to experience proper mutual love where both partners want to make each other happy.

I have asked my DH in the past if I could as she also lives a long way away just so I could clear my head but he said 'That will be the last time you step foot in my house, I don't run a fucking hotel'

Oh my god

As for not shedding a tear if you left

He is most definitely abusive and controlling. Your mum is 100% right.

You don't have to ask if you can go you know, he's not your boss. You are a free woman!

Are you married? Does he own the house?

it's YOUR 50th and you want to celebrate with the people you love

I would hope that I would accept that my dc have their own families & that they come first in the pecking order, especially if something had been arranged for 6 months.

You break my heart. You planned something lovely, you were excited and looking forward to it and he has ruined it for you. This is what he will do to you for the rest of your life. And you want to stay with him while he does this over and over again so that you feel even worse and your son watches his mother unhappy and his dad a bully and he thinks that is what relationships are. You are worth so much more.
Listen to your mum. She knows. If my DD was with a man like your husband I would be devastated. What can you have to feel guilty about? He is the one who has broken his wedding vows because he is not cherishing you.

Christ, I think I am going to have to leave MN because I can't cope in the face of this much pain. I really hope that my generation of women can raise their sons to be better than this.

Oh God confused, I just want to get in my car and drive you to your mum's house. You may love him but he certainly doesn't love you. This is as much an abusive relationship as if he regularly hit you. Do you have any friends in the local area who could help you? Please find a way to get out of this relationship.

Confused you are trapped in a terrible relationship. Your self-esteem must be taking a battering.

You sound like more of a slave to him than a partner.

No grown adult should have to ask anyone permission to go see their own mum. And that he denies it is unspeakably cruel.

The fact that it's your first relationship speaks volumes. I found it really hard to leave my first boyfriend. The relationship was doomed but I couldn't see life without us as a couple. I'm not sure what it is in me that found it so hard to let go, but I understand that you might feel like that too.

But when I finally did leave him I started being myself again! I look back and it's hard now to imagine why I stayed for so long. Wasted years certainly .

That feeling you have of not wanting to let go isn't actually doing you any favours. You may feel you love him but this relationship is actually damaging to you and your DCs too.

I'm glad you posted here and hope it gives you some strength to look at things for what they are.

Your DH is treating you with contempt. Please don't allow this.

Well he's done a fine job on you. I'm so sorry love.

You don't love him by the way. What you're feeling isn't love, it's dependence and gratitude. Love sets you free....did you know that?

This is not a loving relationship. Far from it. It's a dysfunctional, and abusive one. Bear in mind that your children get their lifelong template for life from you and your dh. If not for yourself, for the kids...

Please speak to Women's Aid. They are better equipped to advise you than I.

Good luck, be strong. xxx

As for feeling lucky that he wants to be with you I'm not surprised. He treats you like a servant (I bet) and he gets a shag when he feels like it. It's a win win for him!

Actually the fact that he cancelled the weekend away without even checking with his mother is rather telling. You say you've never spent a weekend away ever- could it be that it is actually him who doesnt want to and that is using his mother as an excuse?

This is worse than I thought. and on your behalf.

It is OK for him to stay with HIS mum, but not for you to stay with YOUR mum?!

Do you not see that he is trying to prevent you from having any voice of reason in your life?

I am concerned for you that this is an abusive relationship that is only going to get worse. He's really done a number on you, hasn't he?

The fact that he threatens to leave you if you go and stay for a weekend with your mother is VERY concerning. I'll bet you don't see your friends from before you were with him either...

This IS an abusive relationship, i know you can't see it right now because you live him so much, but MN will be here when you do!

If you were my friend, I'd tell you to call his bluff - he can say "If you go to a hotel you can never come back" because he knows you are so scared to end your relationship so he doesn't have to face actually making that decision. He can say "that will be the end of our marriage if you do'nt go to MIL's party" because he knows you will do anything to keep him.

Firstly, it's not 'his' house, you are married, if you are the primary carer of your child, you are far more likely to get the house in a divorce, or if not, will at least be awarded at least 50% of it (probably more) he will either have to buy you out or give you the difference (probably selling it and neither of you having the house), it's an empty threat on his behalf, it's not something he can carry through - he's legally not allowed to lock you out.

He makes empty threats and you treat them as gospel - I don't think for one minute he would end his marriage because you went away for a weekend, and if he did, that would be a sign that he wanted to end your marriage anyway, and you've just brought the timeline forward by a few weeks (and he gets to blame you). What would he call it with his solicitor? Would he really throw away everything (he would probably lose his house, the majority of his income, seeing his child grow up, lose you when you realise there's a world of men out there...) in order to keep you controlled? Does he only love you if you obey his every word?

Call his bluff - wouldn't it be nice to be the one in control?

I am extremely concerned for you OP.
Please, I think you should take your children and go to your DM today.
This is an abusive relationship. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU? THIS IS NOT LOVE. Wake up! Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
Pack your things and go. NOW. He will never change. This isn't a relationship. It is abusive prison.

Can anyone else please link to the Women's Aid website where the list of abusive behaviours is? I can't link as I'm on my twatphone.

OP - have a look on the Women's Aid website and look through the list of abusive behaviours, and see how many your husband (I can't call him your 'D'H, I'm afraid) ticks off. Then keep posting on here.

The more you post, the more concerned I am. This is NOT a healthy relationship.

DH sometimes tries to tell me what to do but he full well knows that I will listen to him and then decide what is best for myself. He would never tell me what I can and can't do. He's my partner, not my controller.

God I am trying to imagine any sane human being proposing all this shit as reasonable - it beggars belief!

Who tells their spouse "If you don't come to my mum's party, even though she hates you, I am going to leave you. I love her more than you, and you'll just suck it up. Fuck the weekend away you have planned and paid for in my honour - the one I agreed to - you'll do as mummy tells you. Why? Because I said so! Now go shine my shoes or something!"

I mean ok, I made the last bit up...but seriously...this guy would be metaphorically going arse over tit through the front door if it were me!

It is so frustrating when the OP cannot see. Yet, I have been similarly blind in my time, so I know how that happens.

OP - love is not resident in your marriage. This is a terrible trap. Beware.

Please give Women's Aid a call. They can help you find the strength to live your life again. If you can't do it for you, do it for your child.

OP-if you didn´t go to the party-what would he actually do?

I personally think that you should use that weekend to get away from him-permanently.

Wow this thread has taken a turn for the worse. What started off as a pretty minor argument about a wife organising a birthday treat, and now her husband wants to do something else, has turned out into all out abuse in regards to the husband. The OP is also being bullied by the advice given on here, that if she doesnt leave DH her life will be shit etc and people egging her on to take this extreme action (familes should only break up as a last resort in my oad an argument over a birthday treat is not).

I would assume OP is about mide 30's? Is it unreasonable for DH to say you love someone you have known all your life, who has brought you up, kept you safe etc, that you love them more than someone you have known 10 years or so (the OP)? Of course, it wasnt very nice of him to say that, but I dont think the OP should be looking at this as a competition to see who DH loves more. Its different type of love. He will always love his mum, as most people here will always love their children.

As for the whole argument, I think its time to surrender this battle. You were trying to make his birthday a nice occasion, and these arguments will only prolong the agony for both people. I can see both sides of the argument and I dont think either is right or wrong. SHE - arranged the holiday well in advance, gave plenty of notice and is now being let down. HE - Probably forgot about these arrangements and wants to do something else on his birthday instead.

Choose your battles and let this argument go. And dont listen to the extreme advice on here. Good luck.

You aren't ending the relationship if you go to your DM's, or to the Hotel break with a friend. He is.

He can't legally lock you out of the marital home, he can't take your child away from you, if you have been the primary carer till now, he will get access rather than residence.

And he goes to a Solicitor and files for divorce? What grounds is he going to use? Unreasonable behaviour because you went to your Mothers? I think YOU have much greater grounds for divorce than he does!

OP, your MIL is not going to get any better than this - in fact IME, people like this get worse as they get older.

If it makes it easier for you, blame your MIL to start with. But she is only a symptom of the contempt your husband treats you with. A decent, loving husband would stand up to ANYONE treating their wife like this. A decent, loving husband would not make threats to leave if they didn't get their own way. A decent, loving husband wouldn't order his wife around. A decent, loving husband wouldn't stop their wife from spending time with their family and friends.

What you have is not a decent, loving husband. You have an abusive twatty husband, I'm afraid.

That type of husband is best left alone to get on with their life and be single and lonely while you move up and onwards and get your own, fulfilling life.

Well if OP is a similar age to her husband whose mum is about to turn 50-I´d say mid 30s might be a bit of a stretch.

You honestly, really can be happy without him. In fact the only way you will be truly happy is to find your own way in the world. This man has no respect for you and will keep on hurting you. If you stay he will keep on grinding you down until you are little scared mouse.

There is something in you which finds it hard to let go of him. He knows that and is using it against you.

But you need to be strong and stop telling yourself that you're staying because you love him. Love is not a good enough reason when one partner is abusing the other. You need to be stronger than that and focus your love on your son, not this excuse for a man. He is damaging you and your son too.

I'm so sorry, this must be overwhelming. I expect you have got used to the way things are between you and your H and so are a little blinded to just how extreme the situation is.

We're all hearing it for the first time, and it really is shocking. The way he is treating you is just so appallingly wrong.

I wish I knew what to do to help you.

It can be very hard to end a first relationship, i know i found it hard anyway. We split up several times before i made it final. He had become impossible to have a normal healthy relationship with, much like your dh.

What made it hard for me was that i couldn't imagine life without him or another relationship because that was all i had ever known as an adult. That isn't the same as being in love and knowing that its good for you.

Perhaps you should write down the ways he makes your life better and the ways he makes it worse. I've done it before and it can be very telling.

These should be things he directly does, not things such as "is father of your child".

Zippey - are you mad? What a damaging post - you think that OP's husband's behaviour is ok? This isn't an argument about a birthday treat, this is OP's life being controlled by a man who told her that if she spent time with her mother he would kick her out of her home.

zippey have you actually read all the OP's posts? Have you missed the bit that she's not allowed to visit her mum, for example?

Zippey - if you're right then there's no harm in the OP calling Women's Aid, is there? Because they'll tell her straight if she's blown a petty argument out of proportion.

But if you're wrong - as I, and the vast majority of other posters believe - then Women's Aid will be able to advise her on how to leave an abusive cunt.

My God zippey have you actually read the OP's posts?

If you read her posts alone in a sequence it's not about the birthday. It's about the OP's husband repeatedly and unashamedly letting her down.
As I said in my previous post I suspect the mother might even be an excuse and the OP's husband just can't be fucked to spend one weekend alone with his wife.

But that's alright I guess. That's what marriage is like.

And for the record if the OP's own mother is spending hours on the phone (seeing as her daughter is not allowed to visit her)telling her her husband is abusive I would kind of take her word for it.