just want to get this off my chest..

[KurtWild]

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

Don't text or call him. This is going to take all your strength but he is taking the fucking piss out of you and with his "bombshell" he is expecting you to apologise and beg for him to reconsider. Next time phones I would be telling him that you have tried to talk to him about this and he isn't listening and that until he grows the fuck up and starts rethinking his priorities then he will no longer be yours and that he should make arrangements to stay somewhere else because you are done. Sorry OP but he is behaving like a prized cunt.

I don't know why everyone is saying don't phone. I think I would because I would want to detonate. Why should you have to stuff all your anger? I'd tell him I thought he was a complete shit and to just keep sending the money but otherwise fuck off. But that's just me.

So don't give in to it. You know what answers you're going to get so don't bother asking them.

Kurt you have already had these conversations with him.........over and over again. With no result, no change at all in his behaviour.

What are you hoping to achieve here?

He has checked out of this relationship. His behaviour tells you that.

shutupalittlebit have you read the entire thread? Everyone has explained exactly why they think she shouldn't. Mostly because he isn't listening and just fobs her off. Tell her is phone is flat or some other bullshit.

See I'm like shutupalittlebit, just sitting here waiting for him to call feels like he has all the control over whether we talk therefore he gets away yet again with not having to face up to it cos he's choosing not to speak to me. But at the same time I can see that my silence will speak louder as he's used to me calendar asking wtf is going on.

Calendar?? Wtf stupid phone.. calling to...

kurt, he is trying to threaten you

he thinks you will crack, call him up and start begging

this is emotional blackmail...he expects you to smooth it over, swallow your pride and overlook his selfishness like you have all the other times

a little worm he has planted in your head, "STFU or the wedding is off" is what he wants from you

so, give him what he wants

you STFU (except you don't forgive him this time) and yes, you are confirming the wedding is off

nothing more to be said

see how he likes them apples

I've read the whole thread. Your partner sounds like my ex-husband who "checked out" of our relationship by getting stoned each and every evening while I did all the cooking, washing up, cleaning, laundry, you name it. Fortunately I wised up and we split up before I had his children.

The reason people are saying "don't call him" is because you'll just go round and round and say all the same things again. He knows you're pissed off, and you're so angry it will be hard for him to understand that you're serious, you want to cancel the wedding and you really don't think you can have your old life/the old him back.

Wait until you see him in person to lay it all on the line. Use this time to get your thoughts together - write them down? Discuss them with people here? Be calm and firm with what you've decided, and just announce that when you see him.

My mum's suggestion is that I call and not ask why he hasn't been in touch and all the usual stuff, just say that I've had enough because that's the truth. He knows if he called me earlier this evening he'd have reached a reasonable Kurt who was willing to talk things out. But the fact that he hasn't just tells me he's punishing me for actually properly challenging him on shit behavior. If he then says Oh my God no, I don't want that then maybe we can work at it, if he says fine then that's that I suppose. I don't know. My insides are twisting just thinking about it.

I think maybe you shouldn't do it today. Perhaps leave him to sweat and wonder for a while.

I really feel for you, Kurt. I think your mum's suggestion is sensible and may give him a big jolt. Good luck - I've been following this thread and really hope things turn out for the best for you.

Sorry to be blunt, but I don't think it will make a bit of difference whether you phone, don't phone, threaten to call off the wedding, threaten to throw him out or beg him to stay.

He has already checked out.

Seriously, it doesn't sound like he's playing games at all. He doesn't want to get married, he told you that. By text, even.

I think you have to face up to the fact that he is no longer who you thought he was. He is definitely not who you need him to be. You deserve much, much more.

Ok, from his perspective - recently he probably considers your requests for texts /phone calls as nagging / moaning. (I do no think you are nagging at all) Going on past experience he is expecting you to call and probably has his replies ready and waiting.
What he isn't expecting is not to hear from you. You are taking all his power away. He can't turn it around on you because you haven't said anything. It will take some time, but he will notice that you haven't contacted him. If you call him - in his head it's 'here we go again, etc etc'
There's some very good advice on this thread, take some time and go back over it, pick out things to consider further / make use of.
Remember that while he is behaving this way, you may as well not be together. You aren't putting anything on the line by calling it how it is now. If he goes, effectively not much changes on a day to day basis for you. It may however be the wake up call he needs to sort himself out.

Is it too much to hope that his FB updates are that he feels terrible and can't believe what a twat he is?!

I have to agree with takeitaway

do you think he is wherever he is, angsting about what you are thinking and feeling ?

do you think he is anxiously looking for reasons and ways out of this mess ?

do you think he is questioning himself ?

do you think it's time you stopped doing those things ?

Are you sure you want to keep him? Maybe use the silence to decide what you really want

You are doing a brilliant job OP.
I have been in your predicament (actually a little too close for comfort reading this!) and i know how hard it is.
Stay strong, even when you can literally feel your heart in your chest and you've lost your appetite. You are worth so much more than this... So So much more!

The party doesnt last forever, the work wont last forever but, the little family YOU have nurtured and cared for will last an eternity x

I think he is basically indifferent now.He doesn't care any more.

Sorry.

So this has to be about you and the DCs. Putting yourself first. Looking after yourself, getting support.

"If nothing ever changes, then nothing ever changes." I don't know where the phrase comes from, but I do think it's pretty true.

So you know you need to change how you respond to him, if you are going to change how he responds to you. And that's why no need to not phone him. He won't have predicted it, it will put him on the back foot.

You said "just sitting here waiting for him to call feels like he has all the control over whether we talk" - think about that a minute. If you call, that is what hands him control. Because he can CHOOSE to not answer the phone at all. Or he can CHOOSE to answer and be offhand. Or he can CHOOSE to hurry you off the phone in 5 minutes as before. He can't do any of those things if you don't call in the first place. All he can do is await your call. So by not calling, you have taken control over whether you talk. He does not have the control, it has been your choice not to talk. And I believe that this will (eventually) dawn on him.

And you are not just sitting there waiting for him to call. You are thinking, and reassessing your life right now. And the longer you don't call him, the more chance he has of realising that.

Sorry to read what you're going through.

Personally I would contact him, but it would be to lay out calmly and simply the facts of how things are going to be, such as:
-I thought we could use the money we were going to spend on the wedding venue for a deposit on my/your new flat, I think we're still allowed a 50% (or whatever) refund at this stage

-you need to speak to work about changing your working away for three weeks, because I'm assuming once we're split you'll have the kids every other weekend, so you'll need to be home every other Friday to pick them up and then return them on the Sunday.

-Also, do you think you'd be able to use your holiday entitlement to take a half day every wed, so you can come home and see them for a few hours midweek every week? I doubt you'll want to go 2 weeks at a time without seeing them.

-I've looked at the CSA website and it says maintenance should be X each month, I was thinking we could arrange the money stuff ourselves though rather than go through them

-If you have the kids this weekend, I'll box your stuff up and put it in the garage while you sort out a permanent place to stay, or shall I drop it off at your mum's?

I think he really needs to visualise what it's going to mean to his day-to-day life to move on from you and the kids before he'll really get how good he currently has it.

Obviously this could go two ways, he'll move out and not look back, or he'll beg for forgiveness and to come home. But in my mind if he's going to go it would be better if it was sooner rather than later, because at least you know where you stand, and from his actions it seems that he's halfway out the door already.

Hope you don't think this is too harsh, I think you've coped admirably so far, but he just seems to be shrugging his shoulders at you and carrying on his bachelor lifestyle, and you're worth more than that.

Please don't accept this Kurt, you sound lovely and he doesn't deserve you. I think he's going to have to lose everything to appreciate it. Anything less and you give him permission to carry on like this for the rest of your relationship.

I think you would be so much better without him though. He's shown he's capable of real cruelty.

Whose names is your house etc in? Can you start thinking of these practicalities so he knows you mean business?

Came on to post that it's not normal for men that work away to totally avoid contacting their partner, as mine manages to contact me even if there's a meal/ drink out scheduled, even from another continent- but clearly the thread's moved on.

Sorry to hear about what he's said- he could be using the threat of calling off the wedding as a way make you dance to his tune ( i.e. don't complain about the lack of contact or I'll take all this away from you until you do as you're told), or it could be genuine.

Seems to be little point in speaking to him- he won't be listening, he won't answer. He'll be on FB at the same time, giving that his attention.

I think you need to work on the basis that he's fully checked out of your relationship, either with an OW in tow or to live the single life. Can you arrange the finances so that you're not struggling if he leaves? To be honest, I'd be tempted to reply to his text saying that you have understood his position, he will obviously have to pay costs already incurred for the wedding, and that he should expect to hear from the CSA. Get documents sorted in the meantime.

I think MajorB's suggestion is excellent. But not by phone, OP. Put it in an e-mail. A bloodless, emotion-free e-mail. Strictly business.

Yes, I have read the whole thread. I wasn't suggesting Wild just phones him and rehashes the usual conversation. I was suggesting doing what the latter posters have said and take control of it and tell him how pissed off and angry you are and that you have had enough (if she has) THEN she doesn't need to talk to him after that.

Wild, I think you have put up and shut up for a while by the sound of it. So if you are anything like me I think it will make you feel better to stand up for yourself..