Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just want to get this off my chest..

641 replies

KurtWild · 25/08/2012 20:38

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

OP posts:
PooPooOnMars · 29/08/2012 08:16

How you feeling this morning Kurt?

Original poster
KurtWild · 29/08/2012 09:42

Morning all, I'm sorry I disappeared last night, I needed to calm down so got a bath and then DP called... Anyway before I update I just want to take a minute to say thank you to everyone who gave their time to me, your advice is appreciated and your posts have kept me strong. I'm sorry I don't have time to namecheck everyone but it's been a long night and I have a full day ahead of me.

So DP called and basically I've told him this visit to my mum and dad's is going to be an extended one and that when he gets home at the end of next week, I won't be there. He said a lot about how I'm overreacting but I told him that after all we talked about before he left I had expected better, I'd expected to be able to rely on him to keep his word and yet he'd still been indifferent to my needs. If he can't keep his promise to call and keep in touch, how on earth is he going to keep the massive promises he'd be making on our wedding day? He asked so is that it and I said that really was in his hands now, that if he didn't want it to be so then it was down to him to prove it. We were both in tears when we hung up and I haven't slept at all, I feel like utter shit.

Anyway we don't have many clothes and things here as I only packed for a couple of days at best, so I have to go home and pack some things. I thought it was better us staying here than telling him not to come home, I thought it might be more of a shock to his system to come home to an empty house. No kurt waiting with open arms and coffee brewing, no babble of DC and cebeebies, no big welcome home from his beautiful little family who've missed him like hell. Just an empty house. Like saying 'this is what it will be like for you if you don't sort yourself out'.

He says I've overreacted. I say if he can't be the man he used to be, the man who made time for us over his social life, the man who promised to always be there for me and DC no matter where his job took him, the man who got down on one knee and said he would always treasure me...then he's not the man I thought he was. And he's not the man I fell in love with.

Anyway my dad's taking me back home in a little while to collect some things for me and DC, I'm so, so tired but hopefully I'll get some sleep in the car. I have a lot to do today so I probably won't get chance to come on here. I'll just leave you all with a big, big bunch of Thanks for now and try and update later X

OP posts:
natsmum100 · 29/08/2012 09:56

Well done, Kurt, and good luck.

As it's too early for Wine, have a Brew.

stuffitunderthebed · 29/08/2012 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarnivorousPanda · 29/08/2012 10:08

Seconded -well done .

Have some rest, hope your parents can look after you for a bit.

AgathaFusty · 29/08/2012 10:19

Well done. I hope it makes him comes to his senses, but he will either step up or not. Either way, you will know where you stand.

All the very best though.

AnyFucker · 29/08/2012 10:20

That must have been hard kurt, but it needed to be done

I wish you all the best, do update us when you can x

CinnabarRed · 29/08/2012 10:51

Well done. Best wishes from me too.

PooPooOnMars · 29/08/2012 12:00

Hopefully the shock will do the trick.

Will be thinking of you.

foolonthehill · 29/08/2012 12:19

well done

maswera · 29/08/2012 13:07

I have just read this and want to say fantastically well done for standing up to for what you want, expect and deserve.

Your last post seems to have brought on my hay fever though...

delilahlilah · 29/08/2012 13:13

well done Kurt. You have taken control. He must have noticed your silence then? You have not over reacted at all. Brilliant decision to stay at your parents and let him come back to the empty house, and it gives you extra support too. You have done so well to stay strong with him.
Now we need a cold, wet, miserable day for him to come home on just to make sure he gets the idea.
I really hope this is the shock he needs Kurt. Brew

mrsconfuseddotcom · 29/08/2012 13:15

Well done Kurt. That took a lot of guts.

Please stick to your guns now. The only husband you want is one who is loving, supportive and takes time for his wife/family. Please don't settle for anything less. It is easier to be on your own otherwise.

Keep us posted.

x

Scruffyhound · 29/08/2012 13:27

I think your busy and have your hands full and you make the time to be there for a phone call. So why cant he? So what he work hard so do you are you going out every night no and why not because you have your DC to look after. I think men never grow up and want everything for them selves and expect us to tow the line. We do and we do it becasue we love them but it does get to the stage where the love starts to fade if they do not change. Maybe tell him again and make it very clear that your fed up. Also whats he doing out will 1am if he works hard does he not have an early start? If he keeps burning both ends he will be in no fit state for anything. I hope you are ok and that the DC are ok. Im learning thats all that matters is your self and the DC. It must be very hard 3 under 3s. I suggest you go out when he is home and enjoy your self dont answer his texts or phone calls it will be hard if you love him still though. I think women love deeper than men.

ChasedByBees · 29/08/2012 14:33

Well done Kurt, that took a lot of courage. x

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 29/08/2012 14:49

Just read this whole thread now, and wanted to add my support for you Kurt.

"if you do what you always do, you're gonna get what you always get" its a cliche but so true, so well done on changing the script and giving him a jolt, here's hoping it works, if that's what you really want. If not, then you are probably better off anyway.

delilahlilah · 29/08/2012 18:56

How did you get on today Kurt? You have taken a massive step, and probably feel exhausted. Hope you are ok Wine

Original poster
KurtWild · 29/08/2012 21:34

Hello all, so sorry but it's been such a long day! Thank you all so much for continuing to post, your words of encouragement are so kind. Finally got the DC settled and having a cuppa and a biscuit (or three). Well it wasn't much fun collecting things from my lovely little home, clothes for myself and DC, a few favourite toys and my laptop. I had a bit of a cry while I tidied up and we headed back to my parents. It's all so normal, so normal it's strange, if that makes sense. My teenage brother who still lives at home is still the annoying brat he's always been (joking, I love him to bits and he's keeping me sane tbh), dinner goes on the table at six like it always did, my dad's hogging the TV with sports channels...it's taken me back a good eight years or so to when I still lived at home, only now I have tiny ones! Luckily my mum and dad have kept my room as a bedroom so we've our own bit of space. DC are too tiny to think we're doing anything other than staying with nanny and gramps for a while..and hopefully that's all we are doing.
So to update, DP has called me twice today, once to ask how we all are and the second time tonight to ask if I actually meant it about staying at my mum and dad's. I said I did. Then he sent me an email basically saying he had never realised I'm such high maintenance. That every time he calls I question him, he feels like he's on trial. By which I assume he means I ask him what he's doing etc...so the same thing he asks me then Confused...I'd hardly calling that questioning him more taking an interest in what he's doing...that's pretty normal, right? Apparently this is the reason he hasn't called me as much lately. And also his excuse for getting me off the phone quickly, so I can't start 'probing' (his use of word). But in that case, why doesn't he want to tell me what he's doing? what doesn't he want to tell me? Or am I getting paranoid now?
I'm still very tired to be honest and maybe this is just him trying to fight back a bit, I don't know. He seems to be sad and wanting to make amends one minute and angry and turning it round on me the next. Maybe this is how these things go? I don't know, I've never been in this position before.
Anyway Wine for all, except for you who are BFing and you can have Brew and a Biscuit with me X

OP posts:
KirstyWirsty · 29/08/2012 21:44

Hey Kurt he is blaming everything on you instead of taking responsibility for his behaviour.. Try to ignore him.. detach detach is your new mantra.. He will soon get the message that you are not accepting the blame .. you are doing great xx

Mumsyblouse · 29/08/2012 21:54

Kurt if you lose the will to stay strong, re-read your thread from the beginning. I just have and am aghast at how you have been treated, my husband works away in the week but I feel I can call him at anytime, and that we are his no 1 priority.

This kick up the ass might just work, but sadly I think he's had his cake for too long and isn't going to want to stop eating it. He's now blaming you for your 'probing' instead of explaning what a family man with 3 under 3 is doing out in nightclubs til 4 am. He's not even in his hotel room.

I fear there will be more to this story than you currently know, I'm glad you are with your mum and dad and getting good support.

delilahlilah · 29/08/2012 22:04

He doesn't want you to ask him questions because he feels guilty and knows he has to either lie or get grief because he's doing something he shouldn't be.
Notice 2 phone calls plus one email now you aren't contacting him though.... I think Kirsty is absolutely right, he's trying to turn it around on you because he doesn't want to admit he's in the wrong.
When is he due home?

travailtotravel · 29/08/2012 22:09

Delurking to say you're doing great, just let us know how you're doing .... as and when you can.

Original poster
KurtWild · 29/08/2012 23:02

HI all he's due back weekend after next or possibly the Monday after depending on how it goes. I think he's just lashing out now, I suppose he's every right to be upset, he certainly wasn't expecting I'd take it this far. I'm just afraid it won't go how I hope it goes and it'll be the end of us. I went to check on DC and couldn't stop crying, if this ends badly it will be mummy's fault that daddy doesn't come home anymore. I just can't bear the thought of that.

OP posts:
takeitaway · 29/08/2012 23:14

Kurt, please stop taking the blame for everything.

You say 'I suppose he's every right to be upset'.

No, he has no right to be upset. He has done all the upsetting, not you.

You say 'if this ends badly it will be mummy's fault that daddy doesn't come home anymore'.

No, it is all his fault. All of it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/08/2012 23:19

" if this ends badly it will be mummy's fault that daddy doesn't come home anymore"
Absolutely NOT!! The fault is his, not yours, and don't you let him try to tell you otherwise or I will come down there and bitchslap him myself.

He is currently in denial, hence trying to turn it back on you. He is lashing out in panic, trying to get it back to how he (thinks he) wants it to be by trying to get you to knuckle under. Once he realises that that is not going to happen, his tactics will change. If he's worth a damn, he'll get his act together. If, on the other hand, he's a useless manchild; best to find out now before spending fruitless years on a doomed relationship.

TBH Kurt, I think you're doing pretty good so far. I know it must hurt like hell, but it will be worth it in the end, whatever happens. It's like going through an unpleasant medical procedure - better than the alternative by far.