just want to get this off my chest..

[KurtWild]

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

You'll get through this. Take one day at a time, cry, have a long soak, lap up the cuddles from your little ones. Just look after yourself too. You are a lovely person.

Kurt you will eventually realise you are better off without him. Just take care of yourself and your babies for now. Make sure he sticks to his parental responsibilities as others have said, even if he doesn't want to be a grown up partner to you, he is still and forever a father. Even if he is a fuckwit cuntbadger wanksplash.

Sending as much care as will cram into a

Kurt, really sorry to hear your latest update, but please do not think that he is leaving and taking your happiness with him. You sound like such a bright, vibrant woman and I'm sure you have many years of happiness to come, and it will be you who makes that happen.

I know you probably don't feel like it now, but work out when twat-face (TF) is next back and start making a plan. I believe you're BF-ing your little one, so you need to do a bit of expressing, and freezing. You also need to get in touch with some of your most fun RL friends, then you need to choose a couple of outfits that make you feel gorgeous, maybe get a haricut, paint your nails etc.

Let TF know that when he's back that it's time for him to be a parent for a change. Hand the kids over on a Friday night when you're looking your most glammed-up, and don't come back until Sunday night when the kids are bathed and in bed etc.

On your weekend "off" you must indulge yourself: party, sleep (at friend's houses/your parents/with some random fit-bloke you've picked up ) take a long bath, go for lunch/dinner/brunch with friend's, and remember what it is to be you again, not "mum" not "TF's ex", but you. And have some fun - that's an order!

You will get a bit of your sparkle back, and TF will get a clearer picture of what he's going to be doing every alternate weekend, I.e. Watching the kids whilst you have you get a chance to enjoy life again; it's your turn now.

Lurking on this thread and just wanted to add my thoughts and best wishes to you whilst you are going through this dreadful time.

I was shocked on your behalf that he was not contacting you for long periods of time, because he was peeved and being stubborn. I can just about understand that if you had no children, but as a father, he ought to have been asking how they were. What a self obsessed thoughtless and frankly immature man he has proved to be. He has lost sight of what is important in life.

One day, he will realise what he is lost. Maybe not for a long time, but he will.

How are you doing today Kurt - been thinking about you.

Hi Kurt I've been thinking about you and sending you a big

Take care, be kind to yourself and remember that it does get easier with time and there is still a wonderful life out there for you when you are ready x

Oh Kurt, I'm so sorry. I haven't posted on your thread before but it's one of the saddest I've read in a long time . I hope you're not still thinking you are partly to blame for not being understanding of his social life. He had his social life, didn't he, you didn't stop him - he just couldn't be bothered to think of you and his kids as well.

Maybe one day he'll grow up and realise what he threw away, and for what? Socialising at clubs?

Hi Kurt, hope you're coping ok. I agree wth Major B. As I've previously posted he will need to fulfill his obligations as a father. You will get to a place where you're not stressed about the uncertainty of his contact, you are released. you will get to a place where you look forward to your weekends to pursue your own aspirations and recapture your own socail life and friendships and you will get to a place where you're ready to meet someone and have a relationship where you are valued. I know it's hard to believe now but as time goes by you will heal and have a much richer and satisfying life without that loser!

Oh honey I'm thinking about you. It's true though - you will get some weekends to yourself to rest & have fun - when you're ready.

Hi all..sorry I disappeared but I just needed to get my head clear and to start thinking about what happens next, sort out finances etc..ball rolling there so that's one thing sorted at least.
Thank you all so, so much for still thinking of me and for being so kind I was doing ok yesterday until XP (first time I've called him that) called last night and I'm ashamed to say I was a bit wobbly speaking to him. He's thrilled with his new freedom and basically told me my life is boring and amounts to sod all. His life of all nighers, rolling out of clubs and hanging out with eighteen year olds is the way to go and I should try it.
I wouldn't swap places with him for all the money in the world. Each day I get to watch my babies grow and learn, pick up new sounds or a word, do something they couldn't do last week, cover me with sloppy kisses and sticky-handed cuddles..He says I'm missing out..I say he's the one missing out. He's completely lost sight of what's important. Gahh..rant over. I have to stop letting him get to me.
Anyway, I don't even know when he's visiting the babies, all I can get out of him is he'll visit 'when he can'..it's unlikely he'll come on a weekend now he has his freedom. It feels like he's detaching from them, I think he'll just fit them in when it suits him. I hope he proves me wrong..So sad, but so angry too..my poor babies :( I'm hoping the anger will help me get through this quicker..
Thank you all again and take care.. I'll be ok, I'm feeling the old Kurt creeping back in slowly but surely, can't be a sad faced mummy X

Kurt, I'm so sorry to hear this. You mentioned before that his parents were pretty decent - can they give him a kick up the backside? Not about getting back together, but about his responsibilities as a father?

I am just amazed that someone can walk out on his wife and three children in such a bizarre fashion. It does make me wonder whether drugs are involved, or even something neurological. It is just not normal for someone to have a complete personality change.

Op, you seem so grounded and pleasant. I am sure that you will find someone far better in time. I think that you need to regularise contact and financial support, not let him turn up if and when he chooses. That will be confusing and distressing for your children.

I have not read the whole thread so do not know if you have seen a solicitor yet. If not, I really suggest that you do so as soon as possible and at least get some temporary stability, both financially and in terms of contact.

H's telling you that 'you should try it?'

WTF does that mean? Make your children magically disappear?

I'd hate him for that comment. It makes it sound like he wishes they were never born. :(

Very sad, sorry Kurt. De-lurking to echo what other Mumsnetters have said, you haven't put a foot wrong, your ex fiance has been very immature and self-centred. Sounds like a mid-life crisis if you can even have one aged 30, looking back was he affected by a "milestone" birthday? Hope his job is secure, he is going to be contributing to the care of his children for a long time yet. Stay strong, let off steam on here.

Lurking..I said that to him..how on earth does he expect me to do it with three little ones? They shouldn't be holding me back he says, they're an excuse to live a boring life :( the more comments like that he makes, the more I realise how much he's changed and not for the good.
Nothing about my life is boring.. it's full and lively and exciting and exhausting. He just has no idea what's important anymore..none at all. You can't just park them off on people on a whim ffs.. Honestly, it's like talking to a stranger..

You need to get contact established now. Don't let him try and 'fit them in' whenhe can. He needs to work his new life around the lives he created. If he is going to be flaky in terms of seeing the kids, better to get it out of the way now. It's not fair on the children to be picked up and dropped as and when his social life allows.

Try and establish a routine for contact and if he doesn't keep to it it is not your fault. Your children don't deserve to be 2nd best to his social life and if he can't see that, they are better off without him.

I know it is another battle you could probably do without, but if he is going to walk away from his kids it is best to get it over and done with now while they are still small rather than them feling the enormity of being an inconvenience when they get older.

(sorry for the rant Kurt - I know your babies are your main concern x)

Kurt I can guarantee that he will look back and regret this .. My STBXH said that he 'made really bad decisions' when he was caught up with the excitement of his affair

You have your head screwed on and your priorities sorted - thank goodness for the DCs sake that you are not selfish and immatue like their dad!

The more you tell us about him, the more I dislike him. You are right - he is missing out on a time he will NEVER get back. More fool him. I don't suppose it's occurred to him that you'd have more of a social life if you hadn't had his 3 children. But I know which I'd choose too - completely on your side here.

I think you should seek legal advice and get the CSA ball rolling too. If he is going to be flaky about contact, he may well prove to be flaky financially too. He is an idiot Kurt, he is throwing away so much here. He is going to regret it one day. He is failing his children as well as you...grrr.

I agree with lurking, how the fuck can you go and try it!? You BOTH have a responsibility to the 3 children you brought into the world, I'm sure most of us would love to do what we want every night and weekend but if we did, we'd have our kids taken into care for neglect!

It did cross my mind also if he's into drugs or something, or maybe he's 're-living' his youth and sadly realises what he thinks he's missing out on, unfortunately children are for life and not until you get bored of them, and to be honest it sounds like he's trying to rub it in that his new lifestyle is so amazing. Therefore I would be inclined to e-mail or text him saying "please only contact me if it's regarding finances/housing/the children" you don't need to hear about his oh so fabulous nights out ffs, that's just rubbing salt in a very sore wound.

Practically, I'd get onto tax credits and tell them of your change in circumstances, i.e your joint claim will be closed down and a new single claim will be set up, this is meant to be done quickly so your not left without money for to long. I'd also get to the job centre and put a claim in for income support (I can't recall what you said you were doing regarding work) if you can, if you are entitled to the income support then you are also entitled to housing benefit and council tax benefit, however you'd have to show your tenancy agreement as far as I'm aware, so if it's in his name but he's agreed to let you keep the house, keep on at him or phone the estate agents directly to get a new agreement sent out with your name on it.

When you feel up to it, you could take the kids to visit their grand parents (his folks) and tell them what he's decided and they may well pull him up on his parental duties (worth a try) failing that, I think your only other option would be the legal route. I'm sure the courts can in force sets days and times for absent parents to see their kids.

Take care, sorry I didn't mean to go on x

"He's thrilled with his new freedom and basically told me my life is boring and amounts to sod all"

Jeez! What a tosser. He'll be the one with regrets later. Is it possible he's having some sort of breakdown

Boy is he EVER going to wake up with the hangover from hell in a couple of years. The nights out will seem empty and repetitive - the people he's with will seem younger and younger. He'll notice that the young people he's out with now are dropping out of his circle to settle down and have children. My best wishes Kurt.

What an absolute pillock he is

And very poor father

What a sorry excuse for a partner/father/man!

Perhaps because he does sod all with or for them, he thinks the children are suspended in aspic while he's out and about and you could do the same? You should try it?! Is he going to look after the little ones while you go out for WEEKS on end with teenagers?!

He has abdicated all responsbility and denigrated you for being a damn good parent? Words fail me.

The 'DP' he used to be would never have come out with the stuff he's spouting now. I don't know him anymore.

He'll notice that the young people he's out with now are dropping out of his circle to settle down and have children.

EXACTLY. The way he's behaving now, he's going to become the sad pillock you see on the edge of dance-floors, trying to chat up the girls who are, by now, twenty years younger than him. It must be breaking your heart to see what he's become, you said in your early posts how in love you both were. Something has changed him, be it another woman or drugs or a sudden attack of "The Fear" - you know, realising that work and family is the real world now - perhaps he's partying and dumping you to try to escape his fear of his responsibilities? Either way, he's a sorry excuse for a man and you will be far better off on your own, not with an overgrown fourth child to worry about.

I second everyone's advice on getting CSA/finances/housing/contact sorted so it's all in your name and he cannot escape his responsibilities. He helped to create your babies, he has an undeniable responsibility to be a father to them. If after arranging contact he still chooses partying rather than seeing his kids, he'll show himself to be an utterly useless father as well as a useless excuse of a fiancé.

Kurt, you are going to be okay. Stay strong. xxx