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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

just want to get this off my chest..

641 replies

KurtWild · 25/08/2012 20:38

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

OP posts:
KirstyWirsty · 09/09/2012 08:58

Hope it goes well today Kurt .. don't agree to anything that you don't want, make sure you discuss when he is going to have the DCs as you will need some Kurt time.

Have the CSA calculator to hand and make sure he knows that maintenance is not negotiable .. keep cool( think ice queen) and good luck xx

KurtWild · 09/09/2012 11:19

Hi all..yesterday was awful, just awful. I spent most of it and the night crying. All I can think now is I brought this on myself. If I'd been a bit more understanding of just how important the social side of his job is, if I'd been a bit thicker skinned when it came to him not responding to a text... if I'd cared a little less..then we wouldn't be where we're at now. I've lost the love of my life and my best friend all in one go.
I'll be setting off soon so just wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you so much for your kind words, and for your ongoing support Thanks I'll check in when I can to update but I doubt it'll be today X

OP posts:
Homebird8 · 09/09/2012 11:23

I'll be thinking of you Kurt. Travel safely and don't blame yourself. He has been careless about the wellbeing of his children and that is not their fault. Neither is it your fault that he has the will, the energy and Internet/phone contact systems to keep in touch with the rest of the world but not you. Hope you get some answers.

ashesgirl · 09/09/2012 11:25

You are blaming yourself but you've done absolutely nothing wrong.

Yes you could have lowered all your standards til you had zero expectations of him but it would have been extremely unhealthy and you'd be very miserable.

Plinkityplonk · 09/09/2012 11:31

Kurt please don't blame yourself, you have been more understanding then I'm sure most would be in your position. To treat you & your little ones this way he really isn't worthy of being the love of your life, a true love & best friend would put you & his children first. Sending you strength to get through today I know it's hard and you must be heart broken but I really do think you have given him every opportunity to make things right & he just doesn't seem to want to. I think no matter how much you put up with eventually the end result would be the same.

CremeEggThief · 09/09/2012 12:39

Honey, you're just having a down day. Perfectly normal, given what you have been put through. None of this is your fault.

One day at a time ...Thanks

Bossybritches22 · 09/09/2012 13:00

Please don't take responsibility for his actions Kurt you are bound to have the odd down day like yesterday, you are after all grieving for the man you thought he was and the life you thought you would have with a loving husband and father.

HE has to take responsibility for his actions & whilst we could all have done things differently looking back, there is no way this could be laid at your door. If things aren't right in a realtionship then you sit down & openly discuss it, not bury your head in the sand & hope that if you treat your partner badly enough she'll do the breaking up for you! .

blackcurrants · 09/09/2012 14:10

oh Kurt, I'm so sorry you had a rough day and a bad night.

You didn't change. He did.
You didn't give up on your family. He did.
You didn't stop caring. He did.

Please don't blame yourself.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2012 15:25

One day you will realise none of this is your fault, love

When you meet a better man, you will understand how this one manipulated you and left you no choice

delilahlilah · 09/09/2012 15:29

I think AnyFucker said it all really. She is spot on. Thinking of you today Thanks

lazarusb · 09/09/2012 19:24

The trouble is Kurt, you could have accepted all that but it would have only exacerbated in time. His behaviour would only have got worse.He would never have addressed your feelings or his responsibilities. I hope today went as well as could be expected.

Auntienokids · 09/09/2012 19:27

Hi Kurt,
how are you coping? when you're ready, we're here whatever the outcome, you are not alone. I think most of us have got a story to tell of broken hearts and promises and look, we're all normal! This is my arm around your shoulder and giving you a squeeze. x

therewearethen · 09/09/2012 20:17

Hope today wasn't to traumatic for u and you managed to sort things out, good or bad x

Victoria3012 · 09/09/2012 20:37

Hope you're ok Kurt x

Doha · 09/09/2012 20:41

Sorry Kurt just caught up on your post last night.
None of this was your fault, please stop blaming yourself.
In time you will look back and realise you had a lucky escape, but it is all a bit too soon and raw for you just now.
I really hope your day went ok and l truely hope he got to see just want he has so foolishly thrown away

PooPooOnMars · 09/09/2012 22:57

This wasn't your fault, it really wasn't.

Hope you are ok.

stuffitunderthebed · 09/09/2012 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LurkingAndLearningLovesOrange · 10/09/2012 04:47

Kurt this is not your fault.

He failed you. He failed his babies. And now, he is alone. Not you.

Midwife99 · 10/09/2012 06:50

Oh honey you're bound to be upset but please don't blame yourself. YOU HAVE NOT LOST HIM! He gradually withdrew. Why should you be thicker skinned & more understanding? He only came home on once a month FFS! How can a social life mean he doesn't contact you & his kids? He was not your best friend, he was a selfish man child with only his own interests at heart. Hope yesterday went ok. Sad

CatPower · 10/09/2012 09:09

What Midwife and AnyFucker said. None of this is your fault, you are not to blame for him being an irresponsible, lying manchild. I hope yesterday went as well as it could and you're getting lots and lots of love and support from your family. xx

lazarusb · 10/09/2012 09:39

He is a weight around your neck you really don't need. Partners are supposed to ease the burden of household chores, finances and the demands of children, not add to them. I love dh to bits but if he had behaved the way your ex did we'd be having words, serious words. You have done the right thing, the only thing you could. You are a wonderful Mum, you write with such love about your children. You deserve better than him, so do they.

wellwisher · 10/09/2012 10:59

Just checking in... this is NOT YOUR FAULT. He is an arse, you are better off without him, he is worse off without you. Hope yesterday wasn't too awful Thanks

Bossybritches22 · 10/09/2012 10:59

Hope you're OK this morning Kurt & got a few things sorted yesterday.

KirstyWirsty · 10/09/2012 11:13

There is a chance that Kurt has decided to give him another chance and that is why she hasn't been back

I hope if that is the case Kurt you will still continue to post

KWx

delilahlilah · 10/09/2012 13:05

I wondered that too Kirsty. I hope you're ok kurt