just want to get this off my chest..

[KurtWild]

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

I maintain my offer to strangle him with my shoelaces or blind him with my stilletos.

Hi kurt. It's typical that you have to go through all the cancelling and he's oblivious as normal. Grrr...
Your Dad is a shining example of what a Dad should be. I'm so glad they are supportive. A list of what you want to discuss Sunday is a great idea.

Dear Kurt, I dont have any advice beyond the very good stuff you've already had but I did just want to say what a really lovely person you sound. What a loss for your DP who will probably realise it one day (the idiot). I hope it never crosses your mind that his behaviour had anything to do with you or anything you've ever done. Because you (and your Mum and Dad too!) sound really great people.
All best wishes, keep focussed and you and your children will be fine, I'm sure of that.

Its incredibly unfair that you are doing the cancelling. Is there anything left which you could leave to him? I hate the thought of you doing all this and him just getting on with his life and having fun. I feel like he should be sorting out some of this, if not all of it!

Hi Kurt,

I'm so sorry he's shown his true colours. What a b*stard!

I know it won't mean anything now but this will be for the best, a happier life is round the corner. I promise, I'm living proof!

Glad to hear you have fantastically supportive parents and the advice from the other ladies is brilliant.

Sending you hugs and hope x

No Kurt you don't sound self pitying, you sound completely normal. Of course your faith has taken an almighty battering, whose wouldn't given how he's behaved?
Well done on the cancelling, Im sure it must hurt so much but needs to be done. I feel like PooPoo, he should also be doing this, but tbh I wouldn't trust him and would rather know its done. Should you email to follow up any phone calls so you have it in writing so there's no comeback from any of the companies?
Of course he needs to tell his family, that's one for the list on Sunday!

You are doing amazingly well and we are thinking of you and sending love and support.

Kurt - I cancelled a wedding in 1992 and never, ever thought I'd ever have a proper relationship again, let alone marriage. However, planning my wedding to dh in 1998 was a very different experience, right man, right time....it can happen for you too one day, when you are good and ready. Your life isn't over, it is just beginning.

Just a word of caution for Sunday, a list is a great idea but don't feel you need or should be agreeing to anything there and then. Tell him you'll take it all to a solicitor first and you will contact the CSA. As I said before, try and get to the house to make copies of all paperwork too. Play hard ball now because I don't think he's going to be nice when he realises what you're legally entitled to. Please do not sign anything either, take your dad with you for moral support. (Or plan for a group of us to ambush him on his way out ).

The baby photos are important too. Take them to your parents house. My ex would never let me have ds1's to make copies and his wife burnt every single one of me & ds she found, so I don't have very many of his first 5 years at all.

Laz. That's awful! What a bitch!

Do you get on well with any member of his family? If so i would tell perhaps one of them what has happened, because i wouldn't trust him to tell the truth.

I know it doesn't really matter but i would want at least one of them to know the truth.

Hi all..thanks for being so kind :) poopoo aside from him telling his side and cancelling the suit hire, I've done it all, as usual. I booked it, I get to cancel it :( it's OK though, I'm OK, honestly..I just need to list my dress on eBay now..

Laz that's horrible.. what an awful thing to do to you.. I'm so glad you found happiness in the end. His parents only visit a handful of times a year as it's quite a trek so I'm not particularly close with them, but they are nice people and there'll always be an open door for them at my house. They haven't been too pleased with his behaviour of late and I don't think they'll be impressed he's chosen his social life over his family. I get the feeling he hasn't told them yet as he knows the reaction he'll get.

well done Kurt on getting so far through what must have been a really painful day. You're a hero!

Wedding dresses sell weirdly on ebay - have a look at what similar styles/brands are getting at auction, it might be worth getting a friend with a great camera to take some pictures maybe? Also, lots of people get married in the summer, so you might find you get a buyer for it in next March/April even if no one bites this time around. Just my 2p on that bit!

When can you get to see a solicitor for a legal-aid free half hour? Also go to the CSA website and use their calculator to see what you should be asking for the children. I sincerely expect he will try to play nasty on this one, as he basically doesn't want to bear the responsibilities of parenting any more - so please get ruthless and gather paperwork about his income asap.

Many, many hugs!

So if he pretends this is all your doing are they likely to just not believe him based on what they have seen? They sound nice.

What behaviour were they unhappy about?

PooPoo last time they visited they commented on him seeming to think his responsibility to us ended the minute he walked out of the door. They mentioned they could never get hold of him, his phone either rung out or went to voicemail and when he eventually called them back his response was he'd been in a club /not heard it/battery dead..They were shocked when I admitted I'd been getting the same and said I shouldn't stand for it.

I also still stand by my offer of giving the cuntbadger what for!!

You actually don't come across at all as self pitying. In fact, you come across very strong and reasonable. I don't think I could manage that in your situation and I really have respect for you for it. Your children are very lucky to have you in their lives, and they will know this.

Continue to stay strong. If you can, and feel up to it, I would book yourself in to have your hair and/or nails done. It will give you a little boost, and then get all the tears out before you meet him and put on the strongest act of your life. Don't give the arsehole the satisfaction of seeing that you're hurting. Make him think he isn't worth you and you now realise that you are so much better than the low life.

My best friend found out her ex cheated on her. She was as broken as you, and sworn off men but when she least expected it (literally weeks afterwards) she started going to the cinemas etc with an old friend from school and now they have been together for years and she is so much more happier than she ever was and you know what? After 2 months, her ex started harassing her, waiting outside her work for her, following her to the supermarket etc BEGGING her to take him back. Even now he keeps randomly contacting her, 4 years later but she just ignores and laughs about it now. You WILL get to that stage, and it will come when you least expect it. I promise you that.

I like Kabooooom's idea re a hair do etc, it will make you feel better and if you can stretch to a new top I would suggest that also, it will definately make him think and cause a mindf**k. I finisheds with a boyfriend years ago and when I went to collect my stuff he was wearing a new trendy shirt and I thought humph! he never bothered before and selfishly I did think he'd supposed to be more upset and felt cheated! I know, it's pathetic but there you are! As an early side swipe I'd consider telling him that you need him to step up and have the dc in the v. near future for a wkend as you need to forge your new life and that the DC need their father so when is his next wkend home? or failing that he will need to take sometime off from work. I know it will be hard and you could stay at your parents if he had your old place, you need to start as you mean to go on.

Kabooooom.. auntie..as it happens I'm going to see a film tonight and probably a pizza with my brother (hardcore eh?)so I'm in the process of getting ready and it's perking me up already.

The thing is I always make an effort to look good, not easy with three tiny people needing your attention but when DP arrived home he came in to a spotless home, clean bedding, babies fed and happy, favorite meal on, and most of all a glammed up Kurt, even if I had to get up at five to achieve it.. because it was important to me that he came home to something special and I knew that he absolutely loved it and couldn't wait to get home.
I'm hoping coming back to an empty house will bring him back to earth with a bump as I've a feeling from our conversation last night he's expecting I'll be there..just a hunch. I'd like to think an even bigger shock would be seeing exactly what he's done to his usually strong, confident Kurt.. why should he get away with thinking everything's hunky dory when it clearly isn't?

When's he due back?

It can be anything between Friday and Monday, this time it's Saturday then I'll go on Sunday so we can try and sort things face to face.

Sounds like he had it pretty good.

Glad he's coming home to an empty house.

Well done for going out, movie and pizza sounds like a top night out to me
He is such an idiot for throwing away his life with you and your DC. I sincerely hope that coming home to an empty house hurts him like hell. Have a lovely evening with your brother x

Kurt, you are really showing your resilience and what a great brother, you have a wonderful family. If you can get to the house before hand on the Sunday or earlier, take photos down (especially of him) and make some changes that indicate this is no longer his home e.g. bathroom cabinet contents packed up for him, remove signs that will comfort him and that will disorientate him, ask him what he's taking with him that belong to him e.g clothes, be ruthless DO NOT allow him to take bedding, towels, crockery etc he can pay for those himself. These are things you need for you and DC and with 3 children you haven't the time or resources to replace things.You have to be a hard nosed b**ch but don't let him see this, just be business like.
Have a lovely time tonight. My world fell apart 12 years ago when my relationship failed and I thought my life was over...it was the best thing that ever happened, looking back I could then concentrate on myself, my career and as a result I'm a much happier, self assured and self reliant person and have out-promoted my Ex!

I'd like to think an even bigger shock would be seeing exactly what he's done to his usually strong, confident Kurt..

Don't let him see anything, just maintain an icy facade. He's lost the right to be privy to your feelings imo. Some time down the line when you can do it calmly, you can tell him exactly what you think of what he did. Of course by that time, he'll be crawling back on hands and knees

My gut feeling is his parents will be allies to you so keep them onside.

You're doing really well....

I am sorry things turned out this way, kurt

None of this is your fault, remember that. You and your babies deserve better...and have done for some time x

Kurt, hi. I've read your thread and so gutted for you that he has treated you and the children like this. Just a total bastard.

I have been trying to work out what it is that your P does for a living - I cannot for the life of me work out any job that requires such 'away' time AND socialising for not much money?
I only ask because it just doesn't make sense all this 'work' and I know the thread has touched on OW....