just want to get this off my chest..

[KurtWild]

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

SO sorry to hear what you are going through. Repeat, repeat, repeat, "I am better off without him and I am better than him". Take it one day at a time and BE KIND to yourself. Hugs.

Kurt , so sorry he turned out to be such a knob. I fully expected him to just come home and act as all was well, glad for you that that is not the case. Like others have said, lucky you didn't get as far as marrying such a twit. In Australia he would be akin to a 'toolie' (basically a tool, an idiot 20 or 30 something who tries to hang out with the school leavers (schoolies) every summer, they often get arrested and kicked out of the young'uns areas by the cops, the losers!).

You sound so grounded and lovely I have no doubt that you will meet someone lovely to share your life with, you aren't available for him if you are tied up with your fuck knuckle toolie.

Good advice given. I know you didn't/don't want to split but I think 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst'. in addition to legal paperwork get all of your baby photo's and memory cards and leave them at your Mum's.

Ime when men are caught in the wrong they can turn really nasty, protect yourself and your DCs.

If he was to return to you in a positive way he would need to do a massive rhythmic gymnastic type sustained turnaround in his behaviour.

If their is an OW possibly he will have his fun while you suffer and right about when you are starting to gain strength again, she'll dump him and he'll come crawling back. Maybe you should think about how you would deal with that.

for your Mum and Dad, poor things, it will be hurting them to see this happen. You have good support with them.

CSA will take a massive chunk of his pay like someone else said, bit hard to party on that. I bet he has a good run of partying then crawls back with the usual shit about you're the one, he wants a family, OW tricked him, has a problem with drugs/ alcohol/ gambling blah, blah, blah etc.

The best revenge is success. Thinking of you. You're babies have a rather childish father but they also have beautiful, mature, SuperMum also!

UMN Hug.

as 'if' all was well.

kurt so sorry he turned out to be following the "script" like many others.

You are a brave strong lady & HE is the loser in all this, you & the DC will have a lovely family unit & he will soon find out that all the partying & having fun is hollow compensation in the long run.

Good luck to you, keep posting if it helps-& start making lists & getting help starting with a good solicitor.

Hi all..I'm sorry I haven't been around much, I caught up on all your posts and wrote one myself last night but when I clicked post message it re-directed me to the login page and it was lost. Let me just start by saying I'm overwhelmed and so touched by your responses, they are all so kind. It's been hard to talk to rl friends, it's lovely to feel like I've made some online ones throughout all this..poopoo, delilah, whereyouleft..and everyone else, I'm sorry I can't namecheck everyone but there are so many! So and for everyone.
Where to start...I'm going to hold my hands up and admit that all I did yesterday was wallow in my pyjamas, eat whatever my mum put in front of me and watch cebebies cuddling my babies. It was probably the worst day ever, even though I brought it to a head, the fact that he turned out to not be the man he thought he was, the fact that he was so relieved at our separation was heartbreaking. My mum and dad have been absolute legends and I honestly don't know what I'd have done without them. I told them I'll never be able to repay them and my dad said 'just be happy, love.' which made me cry...I did a lot of crying yesterday :(
DP called last night. I was surprised at how he was chatting like nothing had happened and it dawned on me that he really is happy about this. I won't go into the conversation but we are meeting at the house on sunday to sort things out face to face and try to keep things as amicable as possible for the DC. There's a chance that I might be able to keep the house after all as DP is going to speak to the agency about the separation. I would like to stay in it if possible, my friends are there and my toddler groups etc. So not much happening at all until I see if that's possible. Aside from I'll be spending today cancelling our wedding :(
Thanks again to everyone, you're all wonderful :)

Kurt you take as many pyjama days as you need, you must be exhausted. Your parents do indeed sound lovely, no words about DP he has written himself out of consideration. Just take care.

Thinking of you Kurt.

Kurt, your parents stepped up! they fulfilled their role however old you (their children) are and I'm confident that they brought you up to be a fantastic parent, you and your DC will be fine. On sunday be as neutral as possible, it will be a ego boost for him to see you tired and sad while he's getting what he wants. I would make a list of things you want to discuss and in priority order so if you don't complete the discussion at least the important stuff is dealt with 1st. This will allow you to take charge and dictate the meeting. If there are things you can't agree on then don't invest energy in trying to resolve it there and then, come away and discuss again at the next meeting after you have sought advice. Be sure about exactly what you absolutely require and for your children and state it clearly and confidently. Practice in your mind before you go how you will behave and how you want to come across. Good luck.

Kurt, I have just read all of your thread. I hope you are ok.

Your partner has sabotaged your relationship - this wasn't about him not contacting you, or you nagging for him to stay in touch.

He had already checked out of the relationship some time ago, but hasn't had the balls to own up to it. His recent behaviour is him punishing you for daring to have reasonable expectations about contact. He is trying to manipulate things to show that you were the one who broke up the relationship, not him.

Sorry to say it, but I think he is involved with someone else, not that it makes any difference at this stage.

I think you need to stay out of any conversations which end up trying to allocate blame for the end of the relationship - it's over and that's that - you need to focus on practicalities from now on.

His sense of entitlement makes me think that he is going to be an utter bastard to you and the kids. From the sounds of it he seems to have a vicious streak (that reminds me of my own father). Protect yourself, as others have said, get all the documents you need, baby photos etc. See a solicitor. Cancel the wedding plans.

Thanks goodness you have found out now before you got married, although I am so sorry you are in this position. Keep cuddling those babies.

The first thing I did Kurt was get a different hairdo .. made me feel like a whole new woman moving on with my life .. and a big message to him too!

It is all very well that you think that you can be amicable but I've found from my own experience and threads on here that these cheating men are not reasonable and you may find that your 'D'H will be a difficult bastard who only puts himself first

You may also find that things he promises at first he will not keep to and so please be prepared for that

You are doing really well - take all the tlc from your mum and dad - they sound fantastic

Oh, what an unspeakable cunt he is. I mean, Christ, after being at home with my daughter for over two years I'd also love a holiday of mucking about with my friends and no responsibility - for maybe a WEEK, and you can bet I'd be on the phone every night to find out how things were back home. How can he be happy to have thrown away his life with his young family? How, how, how? He's been systematically destroying the foundations of the relationship - nothing to do with you nagging, everything to do with him withdrawing because he's decided family life isn't as much fun as boozing it up in another city.

One day he'll realise what he's done, too late - when the hangovers are getting too much and his beer belly starts popping his shirt buttons and 20-somethings don't even notice him any more, and he's got bugger all. That'll be the kick in the nuts we all want to give him.

oh Kurt I am so very sorry it ended this way -

PLEASE, please, please go to the house before the day you're meeting him there (before he gets back, in fact) and take (or get copies of) bank statements showing his income, his payslips, any lease agreement you've signed, and any thing like baby photos that you'd be heartbroken to lose.

He hasn't been truthful or fair so far, I heartily suspect that he will screw you over re: maintenance for your lovely babies if you don't protect yourself by getting evidence of his income and getting to a solicitor.

Bless you (and your parents too!) - you're going to come out of this shining, and he and his young friends (and new coke habit? Or is that just my suspicious mind?) are going to crumble like the insubstantial nothingness they are.

Please, please, please get hardheaded about the financial stuff NOW. If he does have a nice little coke problem he might be emptying your joint accounts or racking up debt in your name as I type this. Take care. xxx

De-lurking to say I'm thinking of you Kurt.

You WILL be happy again. You will find someone who deserves you and your lovely babies.

He's a grade A twat. There's really not much more to say than that.....

Kurt, there is a REASON they say say karma is a bitch...

Comfort yourself knowing he's ruined his athetic life while simultaneously saving yours AND DC's.

*pathetic

was wondering what an athetic life was!

Well, clubbing till the early hours and drinking yourself senseless doesn't class as 'athletic..' Just ask my skinny-fat mates!

Can't imagine what it'll do to 30 year old man's body....

Not very helpful but I'd love him to see this thread and get an idea of how his behaviour actually looks in the real world.

Oh good lord Was so absorbed with my own DH-inspired nonsense I didn't see this. So sorry.

I think I am going to use my standard response 'He's a twat!' And a self-centred callous one at that

Hi Kurt, your parents sound totally wonderful, bless your dad, that brought tears to my eyes. Try not too feel guilty about leaning on them, they clearly want to be there for you as you will always be for your babies too.

Keeping amicable for the DC is always best but don't let ExP use that as a way of getting everything he wants. He has showed how manipulative he can be so be on your guard.

There are few things quite as pathetic as the sight of a thirty year old man desperately trying to keep up with friends in their late-teens/early-twenties. What on earth do they talk about?

He might be having fun now, but it'll all stop soon enough when they stop seeing him as a funny oddity/novelty and drop him like a hot potato. I bet you that's when he'll start texting/phoning again, trying to worm his way back into your life.

Stay strong, Kurt (love the name, btw), concentrate on your babies and your happiness. xxx

Hi all, been busy cancelling cars, flower orders, reception and the like :( not quite sure how I did it without blubbing tbh.. never doing that again. I'm trying to imagine a few years down the line, maybe I meet someone and they propose.. I can't see me accepting, what if I have to go through cancelling it again? He has completely wrecked any chance I have of being able to believe in someone else..I believed in him and this has happened :(
Blackcurrants.. Good advice, thanks..I don't know about the coke, I suppose it's possible if others are doing it he might decide to join in.
I also need to start letting people know the wedding is off. I think I'll tell major family members on my side and ask them to pass it on to wider family, make it easier. He can sort his own side out, I've done enough I think.

Eurgh sorry, just read that post back and I sound awfully self pitying..I suppose it's my mindset at the moment that he's bloody wrecked my trust.

No it doesn't Kurt!!

It sounds like you've had a very hard but productive couple of hours.

Well done you.

Hi, that's not self pity! It must have been completely awful to be cancelling your wedding plans, don't be so hard on yourself.

Of course he's temporarily damaged your faith in men/relationships and ruined your trust in other people that is totally normal given what he has put you through. It's very cliche but it does get easier given lots of time and support from family and friends. You will come though this stronger and happier x