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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

just want to get this off my chest..

641 replies

KurtWild · 25/08/2012 20:38

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

OP posts:
FriskyBivalves · 05/09/2012 01:19

Have just read this entire thread and am astounded by his horrible behaviour.

nuckingfackered · 05/09/2012 07:37

Hi kurt how are you this morning?

Auntienokids · 05/09/2012 08:01

Hi Kurt, hope you enjoyed the movie and pizza, your brother is someone you can rely on. I hope it reminded you of your old self and that life goes on and that you will smile again, be happy and that you are starting to move on. Yes, there are horrible days ahead but remind yourself these days and times and feelings are temporary they will pass in time. Now, down to business re Sunday..start planning, you've read some ideas now formulate your objectives. Good luck, sun is shining most everywhere today so get outside if you can and blow the cobwebs away, X

KurtWild · 05/09/2012 09:15

Hi all, I really enjoyed the movie and pizza, made a lovely change to just switch off for a bit.
Anyway, I'm actually feeling more like myself today so I'm going to make the most of the sunshine and get together a picnic for the park (lots of extra bread for the beloved ducks!). Hopefully my mum and dad will join us.
I probably won't be on here much over the next few days. I'm trying to stay positive, onwards and upwards, and need to get myself sorted with practicalities, push my wallowing to the back of my mind so I can focus on sunday. So unless something major happens beforehand, I'll probably just check in to say hi and then I'll be back with an update when we've had our meeting
Thanks to all of you, you've been a massive help, and your support has been absolutely lovely Thanks
X

OP posts:
therewearethen · 05/09/2012 10:01

Good luck for sunday kurt x

PooPooOnMars · 05/09/2012 10:01

Hope you have a nice day!

lazarusb · 05/09/2012 10:13

Glad you had a good evening and hope you all have a lovely day. Look after yourself and stay strong.

Listmaker · 05/09/2012 11:04

Have a lovely day/rest of the week and good luck for Sunday.

As others have said you don't have to agree to anything there and then so take your time to try and get what you want.

Take care.

Doha · 05/09/2012 11:37

Hope Sunday goes okay for you Kurt.
Hope the ducks and the DC's enjoy your outing...x

superdragonmama · 05/09/2012 11:45

Hi Kurt.

Have just read your thread, and would like to add myself to your long list of admirers. You seem to be coping with great strength and maturity in a terribly painful situation. I hope you have some lovely days out with your little ones this week.

Please can you find some time to return to your house and collect financial paperwork?

Your partner has a determined, selfish, manipulative, mean streak a mile wide. He will turn very nasty once he realises that he will have to give substantial financial support to his family, and you will need a lot if evidence of his financial status to force him to pay what's due to you and your children.

The CSA calculation for 3 children is that he would need to hand over 25% of his net income ( although his rental needs would be taken into account too). Plus alimony for you - even if the alimony is small it is there so that if, for instance, you should become too ill to care for your children on your own, he would have to pay you extra to buy in the services you'd need to carry on caring for your kids.

Have you contacted CSA? They can advise you what to do next.

So, collect paperwork, all financial paperwork, and all precious sentimental things, before he returns.

Wishing you strength and happiness x

Bossybritches22 · 05/09/2012 12:59

Second taking all the paperwork you need from your house.

Also (temporarily) get all electricals of any value to your parents.

TV/laptop/dvd player etc

Sounds petty but all stuff you will have to find money for & he could sell to get cash if he does have a coke habit. If you think he could be back on Friday could you & your Dad be there & the kids stay at your Mums?

He wouldn't be the first ex to strip the house while you were not there?

Please don't trust him to do the honourabel thing, he will do what he needs for his own comfort.

You sound like you are really begin positive though, so glad you had a pizza & film with your brother, a much needed & well deserved break.

ShellyBobbs · 05/09/2012 13:26

I was thinking about this in the bath yesterday and thought it wise to get in the house a couple of days early for essentials (photocopying financial paperwork and everything else listed above).

This is a man who has already manipulated the situation so much that he made YOU make the decision to end it, he had NO interest in his children whilst playing his silly childish game of 'who phones first' and has totally left you to take care of all the arrangements whilst having a knees up with a bunch of city boys and girls who already probably think he's a bit of a prick. He has already shown his deck, he is a selfish, arrogant and manipulative specimen and there is absolutely NO EVIDENCE that this trend will stop.

Please, please do not think that he will be fair with you and the children as it's the least he can do, he is and has been for months, in survival mode and I'm afraid you and his children are going to get in the way of that. PLEASE get the ball rolling before Friday, get CSA involved and get all the relevant paperwork in the post to them tomorrow, get your forms for council / housing if needed then that's in the pipeline and can be backdated or cancelled whatever needs be at a later date. Get money into a bank account in just your name where he will have no access and if you have a credit card of his, get some money out and get plenty of shopping in, get things stocked up for the inevitable, get bills payed on it.

I'd also speak to the landlord or agent yourself because he won't have, let them know the situation and that you are willing to take over the lease (you'll also need to do this ASAP if applying for the above).

Good luck, we are all thinking of you.

Inertia · 05/09/2012 13:31

Kurt, I'm so sorry it's turned out like this.

You sound much brighter and stronger, and your family are fantastic.

I agree with the wise words posted above- get anything of value (financial and sentimental, e.g. photos) which is yours or jointly owned out of the house and to your parents for safekeeping. You don't yet know whether you'll be staying there, and clearly he is away most of the time, so you are keeping the marital assets safe rather than leaving everything in an empty house.

Same applies to documents -you need to keep safe any paperwork which is yours, the children's , or relates to any joint ventures or bank accounts, plus proof of household income.

If you can get there before he arrives- going with your dad or brother is a great idea , if your mum can look after the children- then there is no room for him to argue about what's what. And then letting him arrive back to empty house, with all home comforts gone, might help him to realise that you are moving on without him, and he is now the one being left behind.

It sounds as though he has detached so much that he could try to avoid paying what he should be- it'd be worth getting professional advice before agreeing to anything he suggests. He's likely to try to withhold money so that he can maintain his single lifestyle, rather than prioritising feeding your babies. Remember that having the support of your family does not mean that your partner escapes his responsibilities to his children.

Hope you have a lovely day with the children. One day, when all the young workmates have moved on and settled down, and your partner is alone in a bedsit somewhere, he'll look back at what he's thrown away.

nuckingfackered · 05/09/2012 17:25

Hi, I hope that you are enjoying the lovely sunshine. Good Luck for Sunday x

Oh and if he misbehaves we can have the MN mafia with you within about 10 minutes - just say the word Grin

lazarusb · 05/09/2012 20:06

I think AF mentioned on another thread that if you have access to his credit card/debit card it could be worthwhile investing in some gift cards at your local supermarket. You can keep these to use in the future, especially with Christmas coming up but if he questions your visits to Tesco etc, you can tell him you were buying essentials for the little ones.

Hope that makes sense and hope I have credited AF correctly!

Auntienokids · 05/09/2012 20:13

Hi Kurt, I agree with the above. It may go against your nature to be so mercenary and self-serving (perception) but you have to steel yourself that electrical assets etc is a good idea, imagine you have gone to save things before a flood, be ruthless even if you have to pay for storage for a couple of weeks it's worth it, I promise you it's the right thing to do. If you parents are queasy about this get a friend to help...take no prisoners!

KirstyWirsty · 06/09/2012 07:40

I feel uneasy about taking stuff (apart from documents) from the house.. what would the reaction on here if Kurt's husband cleared out the electricals and/or furniture ?? He'd be all kinds of bastard !

Midwife99 · 06/09/2012 08:36

CSA rules are changing from November. It's gross income used in the calculation but at a slightly lower percentage. Pension rent etc don't matter.

CakeBump · 06/09/2012 10:16

I have to say, I agree with Kirsty

But other than that, I'm just checking in to say I hope you're ok OP, and enjoying some quality time with your family.

Brew for you.

Bossybritches22 · 06/09/2012 12:31

Kirsty I take your point however I'd like to think if the ex was female & had behaved as Kurts has then I'd still advise the same! Grin

Just don't want him to come back & strip the house to fuel his lifestyle.

How are you today Kurt I know you said you'd be busy.

Midwife99 · 06/09/2012 12:53

The thing is Kurt needs those things for her 3 children! He doesn't!

KurtWild · 06/09/2012 12:54

Hi all..just popping in to say Hi and I hope you're all ok :) yesterday was lovely with babies and ducks, being kind to myself is definitely paying off as I already feel brighter and stronger. It hit me last night for the first time that we will be ok and most important this wasn't my fault.
I'm not going to empty the house, hopefully it's still my home and besides anything else, I think if I did that he'd pull the moral high ground and say he's well rid.
Anyway, I'll update if I get news on the house and hope you all have a good day.
Thanks Thanks all, you're all Fab :)

OP posts:
lazarusb · 06/09/2012 13:00

Nice to hear you sounding brighter Kurt. I think you right not to strip the house fwiw.

lazarusb · 06/09/2012 13:00

you = you're!

PooPooOnMars · 06/09/2012 13:01

[waves at Kurt]