just want to get this off my chest..

[KurtWild]

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

Oh yeah, there are few things as pathetic as a thirty something man trying to keep up with the socialising of 20-somethings. He'll run out of steam.

I'm shocked by how fast this has all happened. And him blocking you from FB is incredibly juvenile IMO.

I'm so sorry Kurt. This is horrible. Please look after yourself and stay on MN as I'm sure I can speak for many on here when I say your strength and courage has touched our hearts xxx

Kurt - so sorry to read your last post.

I think he has manipulated the situation to be able to say "she left me when all I was doing was earning a living to support us all".

The facts are obviously very different. He has clearly been drawn into a new life (that may or may not include an OW) and now wants to redefine his relationship with you and the children.

He is obviously not going to be honest with you (or himslef) about what is going on here, maintaining a facade as him being the victim in this.

As such, whilst it is very hard, you are going to have to seize the initiative. Get a solicitor and find out what rights you have and act on them. Cut further contact with him directly and outline the forward plan (finances/accomodation/access) via your legal team.

The pain now must be unbearable, but you will get through this and in the longer term will be the happier person. You will have the love of your chrildren and family. One the glamour of his new life has worn away he will have nothing.

Oh Kurt, im so sorry that things are this way. Please know that you are not to blame for any of this. You have been so dignified and restrained. If you can try to focus on the practical things, it may help you to 'keep moving forwards' and you really are better off without him. Moving on without him will take so much strength, but you can do that, one step at a time. You have had some good advice here. Please do look after yourself. x

Kurt, so sorry it has come to this, but please read this slowly and let it sink it:
It is not you, it's him.

I know that is a cliche but it is really true in this instance, don't let him put the blame on you for him walking away from your family.

Do sort all of the finances and benefits etc as soon as you possibly can, firstly because it will make life easier and secondly it will make you feel more secure knowing where you stand - you can do without any more nasty surprises.

Lastly, I just want to say WHAT A COCK! How stupid to throw away a lovely family for some boozey nights out, it really is his loss.

Take care, and put you and your DCs first, you certainly can't count on him to do that any more.

Oh I am so sorry.

We are here to help you.

This is NOT about you. It's about his immaturity. Take NO blame, regardless of what he may say.

PLEASE MAINTAIN TEXT SILENCE. Don't respond, you cannot win with him. He is guilty as FUCK, he knows it and will turn EVERYTHING back on you.

What s disappointment he turned out to be.

Unmumsnetty HUG.

Just chipping back in to say that I've read your other threads about him and he really has been taking the piss and acting like a wanker for a long time now.

I think you were superhuman to put up with it for as long as you did. And I really don't think you could have (or should have) done any more than you've already done to try and keep your family together.

The thing is, one person alone can't fix a relationship if the other person isn't interested. And he's just not interested is he? That's plainly obvious. I don't know what else he can expect you to have done. If the shoe was on the other foot I doubt he'd have tolerated being stuck at home with sole responsibility of 3 kids while you partied it up in the city for three weeks out of every month.

He's a coward, so of course he's going to try and blame you. It means he doesn't have to face up to his own disgraceful behaviour. And the single handed part he's played in making his children practically fatherless.

If this is who he really is, then you're so much better off without him. And the OW, if there is one, is going to come to regret ever setting eyes on him when he does the same thing to her in a few years' time.

Can I suggest that you go back to your house asap and find every bit of paperwork you can. Either make copies or take it your parents to sort through. Also birth certificates, passports etc. Protect yourself because I suspect he will continue to behave like the spoilt, entitled, selfish twat he has shown himself to be. You truly do not deserve this treatment. Your dcs are fortunate to have you as their mum.

So sorry Kurt, looking back it seems almost inevitable, I agree he was withdrawing to force you to confront him. Anyway, take what money you have, any joint credit card etc cancel,i f he's no money and irresponsible he may ramp up debts.I would seriously consider telling his parents, who, from what you have said are decent, they have rights and it's only fair you tell them so if they want your DC can have a full family involved with them. Hugs

Oh Christ Kurt I'm sorry. What a manipulative twat he is, turning it all round on you

I guess he isn't the man you thought he was :(

My heart goes out to you, it really does :(

Hi Kurt

I've been lurking here and just want to post to say how sorry I am that he's finally shown his true colours in full and that your relationship seems to be over. You have been amazing!

I have been in a very similar situation - many years ago now. I know it's awful but believe me it does get better and you will be happy again one day. For now just take it one day at a time, focus on your babies and keep busy. Sort all the practical things as others are saying.

Thinking of you x

Hi Kurt, I have been following your thread since the beginning and just had to delurk to send you and your DC lots of hugs and support. I totally agree with all of the great advice that people are giving you especially regarding paperwork, bills, CSA ans solicitors.

I know it must feel like the last thing that you want to do but you really need to protect yourself and your DC. The pain that you are feeling now must be unbearable but you are doing so well and in time both you and your DC will be so much better off.

You are a good person and your DC are very lucky to have you as a mum. Stay strong, take care.

Kurt I'm so sorry he has turned out to be a total arse. He has really put you through it and cannot even take responsibility for his own cowardly behaviour. I know you will be hurting like hell but please remember he is the one who has opted out of family life, none of this is your fault. I second the advice to take the practical steps you can and rely on your lovely Mum. Put yourself first and try to go no contact as you will need all your reserves of energy for yourself and DC without him trying to mess with your head. Your strength of character shines through in all your posts, this may seem an odd thing for a stranger on the internet to say but I have the impression he was always punching above his weight with you. You will get through this.

I am absolutely SO fuming for you, I fancy getting hold of the bastarding cuntbadger myself, telling him EXACTLY what he is, and ripping him a whole new arsehole. What a complete and absolute knob.

Firstly, if you do not mind telling, where are you staying right now? Because if I can, I don't know about anyone else, but I would love to come around with a bottle of wine, box of chocolates, and a huge big hug for you.

Secondly, if you do not mind spilling, but where is your cunt of an ex staying currently? Because if I can, I don't know about anyone else, but I would LOVE to go and give him a bloody good kick in the nuts.

You are so much better off without him. You will find someone who will treat you and your 3 children like you deserve. He is a twat who will end up realising he has made a massive mistake and ends up lonely with no one. Then you can snigger to yourself and thank him for giving you the freedom to find complete and utter happiness elsewhere.

Stay strong, you are doing amazingly well.

I feel really angry for you Kurt, I'm really sorry he's not the man you thought he was. ((Big hugs))

I agree with going home and copying all the paperwork you can find - you want proof of his income and to busy yourself with sorting the legal issues.

Hug your babies extra tight. He may not realise what he's giving up now but he will and you have those lovely children to make you smile again.

Are you OK kurt?

Oh kurt, I'm so sorry. Look at it this way though, while he is being such an absolute arse you can take comfort from knowing you are better off without him. Hopefully his bad behaviour will mean you are cross, so will find the practicalities easier than if you pity him. I think you should go back to your house and get as much as you can, then seek legal advice.
Make sure you have any paper work for the DCs - Passports/ birth certs/ child trust fund etc.
I hope we can all be of use here

Kurt I am so sorry...what a complete arsehole!

Well at least now you know exactly what you are dealing with - he is having a midlife crisis that extends to childish tactics such as blocking on fb...I mean, ffs.

Other posters are dead right when they say that he is going to regret this in every way possible for a long time - maybe the rest of his life, but absolutely none of it is your fault. Whatever you have said in the heat of the moment (and who wouldn't have a few choice words for him) it doesn't make a difference - everything you have done and said is because you are worried, have feelings and don't want to let your relationship fail. Imagine if the situation was reversed - if he was asking for more contact from you, there is no way you would react the way he has. He knows he is in the wrong and he is running away from it.

Stupid, because it is really likely that he is just a novelty for these new friends, and the lengths he will have to go to to continue impressing them are just not going to be possible for a bloke in his 30s who has three kids. He is going to miss out on all the nice things about being his age, whilst simultaneously reminding himself of all the reasons why it is quite good to leave your twenties where they should be - in the past! Twunt!

Twat! As I said previously, I suspected he was trying to get you to end it with him because he's to cowardly to do it himself! What a way to treat the mother of his 3 little babies!

He'll soon get bored/to tired to carry on with the youngsters or they'll get bored with him and he'll come running, realising what he's fucked up and hopefully by then you'll be strong enough to tell him to fuck the fuck off!

I'm not going to say hope your ok, because your prob not but I hope your managing and you get bills etc transferred to him, his house, his bills!

Take care OP x

Hi Kurt, how are you coping? what do your mum and dad think? are the DCs ok, do they miss their dad? hope you're able to progress all the practical stuff. It does take effort and energy but it's good housekeeping and will make you feel so empowered when it's done. Take care X

Kurt what an absolute cunt stain he is you are well rid, thank fuck you didn't marry the tosser, see this as a lucky escape. I know this must be heartbreaking for you but at least it's all over now, you both know where you stand and you don't have the stress of hoping he'll call and what is going to happen. Concentrate on yourself and DC's now, get everything out of your house and take the DC's passports and birth certificates with you and as others have said get copies of important documents.
Keep all interaction with him factual and clinical remove all emotion- it's all about practicalities now.
You have been admirable and strong through this whole thing- keep it up you're going to need to, something tells me he will continue his cunty behavoir.

He is a total douchebag that needs a swift kick in the nuts for treating you and the little ones like this. Please keep posting because some of the posters really do know how to help you x

Just read your thread and I was so sad to read your last post. I hope you're ok. Take care of yourself and your lovely babies. He's a fool to throw you all away. X

Kurt hope you are okay. You have had a hell of a lot to deal with lately.

I just wanted to add - and hope you don't mind - that if things start getting too much, perhaps a trip to a sympathetic GP might be in order ....maybe for just a listening ear, or something very short term to help you sleep and get some rest.

OP, small consolation, but he will get a shock when the CSA get involved and he realises he has not got away with this scot-free. I'm thinking 3 children's fair maintenance, may make a large dent in his future ability to socialise so hard. That's not spiteful,it's just fair and what you are due. He sounds like the kind of idiot who won't of thought of that as he coasts on his wave of irresponsibility