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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just want to get this off my chest..

641 replies

KurtWild · 25/08/2012 20:38

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

OP posts:
LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 03/09/2012 05:48

actually, I'm thinking it might be really REALLY bloody straightforward.

Until this point, he has been able to go away from the family unit and party and enjoy himself in ways that he used to. Then come back to a tidy house, a happy little family - and then get away again afterwards. Shit. Who wouldn't enjoy that? If one is totally honest... Sorry - but I can see the attraction here.

And what has changed is that the draw of this has become greater than the home life which CAN (NO offence meant here, Kurt) be a bit tedious. The amusing of the young kids. The planning about when to do the family shopping. The fixing of a myriad small house bits and bobs that mean a boring trip to B&Q. etc etc etc....

Is that it? Has he got the balance wrong? Because if he did, it ALSO sounds to me as if there might be somebody else in the mix. I'm so sorry to write this, but it's how it reads to me. I'm looking back at Kurt's Sun 02-Sep-12 22:05:14 post - about the suddenness of three months ago. I have been on MN a wee while - EVERY time it suddenly changes - there's the OW. I just suspect this has happened. And now that he is busted, he's just sitting low, planning and thinking. I really think this might be it.

Shit. Wish I hadn't got up now, what a bloody miserable post. But that's how it appears to me.

Kurt have you had a reply yet? And don't be so sure he won't find something in there against which to take offence - if he's on the back foot and found wanting - which he is - he'll find a get out.

Thinking SO much of you. I hope you have a good day. Am back to school (teacher), but will check in tonight, all things crossed....

PooPooOnMars · 03/09/2012 06:48

So what did you put in your email? Its amazing that you have kept it calm.

Auntienokids · 03/09/2012 08:20

Hi Kurt, so proud of your self-restraint, your statement that the more distant he became the harder you fought was a situation I was in, I was a nervous wreck, I thought I could fix it, in the end I had to go to counselling as it hadn't dawned on me..the counsellor said, ..there's nothing wrong with you..it's him and then I knew! But once I had crossed that threshold there was no going back and I took control and ended it even though he begged me not to! a week later I go home to collect some stuff and there's another woman's bag and clothes in my house. I learnt he was probably seeing her before I ended it. Even now 12 years later I'm proud that I took control. Since then I've done amazing and now with dream man. Good luck, keep strong keep a cool head.

madonnawhore · 03/09/2012 08:37

Delurking to say I think you're handling this amazingly well Kurt. You're being so strong and dignified in the face of very shitty and frankly inexcusable behaviour.

For me, the fact that he hasn't been in touch once to check on the kids would be the deal breaker. What goes on between you two as adults is much more complex. But he's a father to those children and he obviously doesn't give a shit about them. If I were you I wouldn't be able to come back from that.

I've followed the whole thread and have held off from posting this next bit because you must be feeling shit enough already, but I do think you should consider more seriously the possibility that he's having an affair. I mean, it's kind of academic really since his treatment of you is so bad it warrants a permanent red card anyway. But I think if he is, proving it would help things make a lot more sense for you.

The behaviour you're describing and all the Facebook fuckery screams OW. Would you be prepared to/are you able to do any snooping?

Original poster
KurtWild · 03/09/2012 08:47

Hi all..of course he found fault with my email and as of 4am, it was over. I can't go into it, and in the end I did lose my dignity as I couldn't just let it go when he turned it all around on me yet again. He had no intention of getting in touch and he's relieved it's over as now he can have a proper social life without having to think about me. I can't believe it comes down to something as shallow as that.
I have so much to think about now, there's so much to do..there's a few angry texts flying around this morning. I need closure. He's blocked me on fb which makes me think there's more to this.
Thank you all, I can't type for crying and the babies are just waking so they need me. I'll update when I can Thanks X

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 03/09/2012 08:51

Oh Kurt :(. I'm so sorry.

What a nasty bastard he is. Did he mention the DCs at all?

I know it's impossible for you to see this right now, but I really do think you've had a lucky escape here. When the dust has settled and the worst is over, you'll look back on this and shudder at the thought that you might've ended up married to this idiot.

Good things are in store for you. And everyone on MN is here for you.

Doha · 03/09/2012 08:52

See a solicitor asap
So sorry Kurt-l think you can now rightly assume there is an OW somewhere lurking.
I would be tempted to get a friend or family member to keep a close eye on FB.
Thinking of you today x

anonacfr · 03/09/2012 08:53

You poor thing. You and your babies deserve better than this immature selfish little boy.
Thinking of you....

Midwife99 · 03/09/2012 08:56

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry. At least you know what you're dealing with now. Re his freedom to have a social life? What's he going to do when he has 3 young children to look after all by himself every other weekend or whatever contact arrangements you agree? Funnily enough, you'll be the one having the freedom to have a social life not him!!! Idiot!!

PooPooOnMars · 03/09/2012 08:56

It sounds like it doesn't matter what you did or what you put in the email or if you had contacted him or not, he would have found some excuse to turn it on you provoking the end of your relationship.

I don't think anything you could have done would have made any difference.

Im so sorry kurt. Sad

He really does sound incredibly immature in many ways, and i agree there may be more to it.

Midwife99 · 03/09/2012 09:15

I also suspect OW I'm afraid. Sorry Sad

PooPooOnMars · 03/09/2012 09:18

What a cunt!

Midwife99 · 03/09/2012 09:27

By the way - we are here if you need ANYTHING!!!

PooPooOnMars · 03/09/2012 09:32

Yep [waves]

Original poster
KurtWild · 03/09/2012 09:44

You're all ace..I can't believe that's it..I keep thinking what if I hadn't said this or that but (and I'm not going into detail) it was what he wanted, he was forcing it that way until he knew I'd break and end it. Now he gets to play the victim :( whilst lgiving it up. Re the DC he's only home one weekend a month so they'll barely see him at all. Thanks everyone, thanks for listening X

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/09/2012 09:50

So sorry Kurt.
And nothing you could have said would have made any difference, this is what he was pushing for.

And I know practicalities are the last thing on your mind right now, but get your mum and dad to find you a solicitor pronto. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

Take care of yourself.

PooPooOnMars · 03/09/2012 09:56

I would make it clear to him and everyone that he has made the decision, because he has.

KirstyWirsty · 03/09/2012 10:12

hi Kurt

I'm so sorry it has come to this - but in (a very short space of) time you will realise that you are well rid of him

I echo everyone else in that you should get back to your house and collect all the financial paperwork/ passports etc and don't let him get his hands on them and get to a solicitor .. also ensure that any joint bank accounts etc cannot be cleared out by him

It does sound to me that he has an OW on the go .. it also sounds like he is an immature twat

Be aware that when you are getting your head above water he will come back begging for another chance (I didn't believe mine would and he did too) but hopefully you will realise by then that he didn't add anything positive to you and your babies' lives

Good luck and keep posting - this board has been my saviour the last 9 months

xx

lazarusb · 03/09/2012 10:18

Sorry Kurt. I think, whatever you'd said, done or written, he would have manipulated it to find his way out. He doesn't need to feel guilty now but I don't believe he felt guilty before. A mature, sensible man who was going to be a husband and already a father of 3 wouldn't have wanted that kind of lifestyle in the first place.

It doesn't matter if you said the words that finally ended it, he finished this relationship at least 3 months ago. He doesn't care about his children, let alone you. When you are ready, follow Midwife's advice in her earlier post about informing the relevant authorities.

Stay with your parents and build your new, better life close to them. Toddler groups will love to meet you - they've just lost a batch of children to school and will like seeing people new to the area. Maybe you'll meet some of your old friends there too. You can do this, you know, you've more or less been a single parent for a long time.

Helltotheno · 03/09/2012 10:22

You're a good person Kurt. None of this is you, none of it. Hold your head up and be as strong as you can. I guarantee it will come back to bite him in the ass... maybe not soon but some time in the not-to-distant future, he will come crawling back to you looking for a second chance and you can tell him to sod off.

In the meantime, be strong, be proud, and become the ice maiden (with him of course).
You can do it... Torch

InkyBinky · 03/09/2012 10:37

So sorry for you. I am thinking of you. Try not to get involved (!). With the nasty texts etc. (yes, I know that is easier said than done) concentrate on yourself and your DC and the future. Be as 'buisness' like as you can.

FFS , can't can believe he blocked you on Facebook, Confused he sounds like a 12 year old.

Original poster
KurtWild · 03/09/2012 10:49

Inky re the blocking in fb, I can't believe it either but he probably doesn't want me to see the comments of his pretty new friends on his new relationship status :(

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 03/09/2012 10:50

Kurt, I want to strangle this manchild with my fucking shoelaces Angry

Wonder how he'll feel when the shiny new friends dump him because he is legally forced to be a father? Angry

Midwife99 · 03/09/2012 11:12

Yes practicalities today honey. Bank accounts, cancel bills, papers, & do benefit claims. I'm sure you don't feel like it but it's essential you move fast. Phone CSA today & when you have sight of his last P60 you'll know how much you'll get from him for the kids. They will MAKE him pay. Twunt! Angry

madonnawhore · 03/09/2012 11:22

Yes, solicitor, CSA, change the name on the bills, etc.

Do it as quickly as possible so he doesn't have the chance to do anything cunty. It sounds like he's more than capable of happily leaving you and the kids high and dry at the moment.

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