Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just want to get this off my chest..

641 replies

KurtWild · 25/08/2012 20:38

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

OP posts:
Original poster
KurtWild · 02/09/2012 10:13

Thanks Delilah.. distraction seems to be the key at present so I'll just enjoy my day and wish you all a lovely Sunday Thanks

OP posts:
ThePigOnTheWall · 02/09/2012 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beaverfeaver · 02/09/2012 10:16

Sorry to hear this.
It's not right at all.
My father has worked away for 25 years and still calls my mum every night to chat and see how things are going,

ThePigOnTheWall · 02/09/2012 10:17

Oh crikey op I'm so sorry. I thought this thread had 3 replies, not 300+ Blush

Ignore me Blush

Original poster
KurtWild · 02/09/2012 10:47

..it's OK..now all I need is a good, positive fb status of my own..something like Kurt Wild is getting her life back..I dunno lol, sound a bit..cliched.

OP posts:
delilahlilah · 02/09/2012 10:51

kurt is having a fab family day :o)

ThePigOnTheWall · 02/09/2012 11:04

I wouldn't post on fb if I were you. It's just not worth it.

Original poster
KurtWild · 02/09/2012 11:08

I know..just a moment of weakness there..just going to enjoy my day.

OP posts:
delilahlilah · 02/09/2012 11:14

Have a lovely day kurt. It will get better as the days go by.

blackcurrants · 02/09/2012 11:37

Hello Kurt - I've been admiring your resolve and your resilience, and I hope you have a lovely family day today. x

Midwife99 · 02/09/2012 16:35

Well done Kurt! You are being the big person! Let him dig his own big lonely hole!!!

tennis1981 · 02/09/2012 16:40

Having read the whole thread I think it's very easy to get carried away in the heat of moment. I've had some arguments with my hubby who's very stubborn and we could easily have split a couple of times, when I was tired and stressed looking after 2 little children and so was he. I always made the first move because at the end of the day I don't want to split up with him.

I think you should take some time out and remember that all those MNetters who say split up with him don't really know your situation in RL, it's very easy to give that kind of advice but they aren't in your shoes.

You say only 2 weeks ago you were planning your honeymoon, so if you think it's worth trying to save the relationship then don't make any rash decisions now.

He has his faults, but so do we all, he could just be going through a phase where he needs to let his hair down. He probably feels you're nagging him when he does phone, so you could try not to nag and just keep everything light-hearted then talk probably when you see him in person, say how much you like talking to him when he's away and how much you love him and want to make it work.

Just thought I'd give another point of view.

PooPooOnMars · 02/09/2012 16:48

But she's tried that tennis. She's told him plenty of times that she would like to be in contact more when he is away. But it made no difference.

He takes no responsibility for it and turns everything on the op. He hasn't even contacted anyone to see how his children are! Its been 4 days!

To me he sounds incredibly immature.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 02/09/2012 16:50

Simply have to de-lurk at this point to say how on awe of you I am, Kurt...

I've followed since the beginning and the one thing that comes over SO loud and clear is what a thoroughly nice woman you sound.. and your parents ROCK!

wishing you all the best, I really am... Xx

delilahlilah · 02/09/2012 19:43

tennis it's not a case of people telling her to leave him for the sake of it. Most of the advice given was to give him the chance to put it right. He's had more than one chance and he is more interested in pissing it up than he is in the welfare of his children (sorry Kurt).
Have you been in a relationship when one partner works away and the other is home with the DC tennis? I only ask, because it is very different when one parent is away a lot and difficult to understand if you've never done it.

How was your lunch kurt? Hope you all had a lovely afternoon.

Original poster
KurtWild · 02/09/2012 20:34

Hi all..that was a long, tiring but enjoyable afternoon.. I have three worn out babies who are all sound asleep!
Tennis.. I never resented him letting his hair down, but you have to appreciate that even when he had nights out, he always without fail made time for a call and suddenly bugger all. Most of the time our conversation was light and enjoyable, we'd talk well into the night sometimes just putting the world to rights but on occasion when I was thoroughly knackered or had been up with babies teething, I wanted to share that with him the way he shared his crap days with me. That was our dynamic.. we shared each others lives even tho we were miles apart.

That was a bit long, sorry Blush
Thanks all, you're kind comments are lovely. Still no word from DP. Do I want us to split? Of course not! We have a home and children, a wedding planned, house hunting to buy instead of rent, history and a future, I hope. But while his priorities are skewed, I have to think that perhaps this life isn't what he wants.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 02/09/2012 21:38

Kurt do you think there might be someone else?

Original poster
KurtWild · 02/09/2012 22:05

Hi hellto.. I hope not..it's easy to say I'm kidding myself on that one I suppose..the only thing I can really pinpoint is when he came back three months or so ago and said we'd become boring, both separately and as a couple. That all he seemed to do was work and come home, so i suggested we do more just the two of us (hard as that is!). We managed to see a movie one night, then when he went away the partying hard started in earnest.
Early mid-life crisis maybe? Hence making all these young trendy friends and making it his mission to keep up with them regardless of how it effects us as a family. There is the new girl on his fb and she's posted she can't wait to see him for drinks next week but tagged a few others in the post.
I don't want to give up on him, I think that's pretty obvious by now.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 02/09/2012 22:27

Well that's understandable. But it comes down to him really doesn't it. He doesn't seem to want family life right now, and is pretty divorced from it anyway with all the travel. I just don't know if that can continue if it's going to work...
Hope things get easier for you :(

clam · 02/09/2012 22:44

Does this girl on FB know he has a fiancee and 3 kids? I assume not - and it's not as if his current lifestyle would give her any clues either.

Auntienokids · 02/09/2012 22:50

Hi Kurt, you're doing amazbobs! and to the Mners what a fab fan club!
Kurt, I agree with advice re practicalities and finance, this will show you don't need him which will be sweet revenge! although I know that's not your motive standing on your own two feet, being a role-model for your DC will do wonders for your self-confidence and resilience, you can be proud of yourself something DP cannot claim for himself. Keep strong, don't contact him, sience is golden!

Auntienokids · 02/09/2012 22:51

sience? maybe but meant silence

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/09/2012 23:27

Kurt, I was just looking back on some of your earlier posts:

"he's a thirty year old man with a partner and three children, not a footloose and fancy free kid like the majority of people he works with."

"I do think he's trying to prove he's not past partying with the younger ones"

"it's just this lifestyle he's gotten into and he's absolutely loving it, loving being the hedonist he was before we met (he was into some pretty wild scenes in his teens/very early twenties) and I know settling down has been a jolt for him but it was what he wanted and he said we gave his life meaning. I do want to marry him, very much so, I love him so bloody much but this job is making him into someone I barely know anymore. Or maybe it's turning him back into the man he was before I knew him?"

So - he's 30. Some people take turning 30 very badly. Personally I loved it; I finally felt like a fully paid-up adult - but then, was he likely to be scared to realise that HE is now a fully paid-up adult Confused? Could it have sent him scurrying back into his former self, and the nature of his job facilitates that?

Also, did he stop being a hedonist before he met you or in response to meeting you? I will confess to having been a bit that way myself at that age (ah! It was the 80's ...) but I had become a bit 'been there done that' by 26, so it was well behind me before I met DH, and I've never missed it. I just wonder if he's kidding himself that he gave that lifestyle up for you (rather than because he'd got over it all by himself) and so this flirtation he's having with living that way again (to recapture his 'youth') involves distancing himself from you.

Original poster
KurtWild · 02/09/2012 23:42

Hi all, I must admit I got a bit carried away composing an email, deleting, rewriting. In the end its gone from two paragraphs to four lines. Nothing confrontational, just caring, civil and to the point. Heard of the saying killing someone with kindness? He knows he's in the wrong here, i don't have to spell it out to him. And even though he's been like that, my 'tone' is loving and my words polite and cannot be taken the wrong way. I haven't mentioned the babies, or him not asking about them.
I want to bollock him, but I won't have him labelling me his bitch ex if we do separate. He's not getting the satisfaction of that. Right now I do think he wants to end it, I think he started sabotaging us and was waiting for me to catch on but stupid Kurt just fought harder to hold on :( I also hope I'm wrong :(

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 03/09/2012 00:23

" Right now I do think he wants to end it"
It's possible.

It's also possible that he's having an I-won't-be-30-I-won't-I-won't tantrum panic. Working away from home used to put me into a sort of bubble, where I felt that my home life belonged to somebody else, or I had watched it on TV. It would take a couple of days back home to feel part of my own life again. And I did a max of 4 weeks over a year and was single at the time, so less difference between home and away life IYSWIM. He is working away 3 weeks out of 4. That's got to produce an armoured bubble, very hard to burst!

I think the job/lifestyle combined with turning 30 this year has turned his head. Whether it has turned it back to his 'real' self or a 'temporary' self that he will tire of, I have no clue. Sad