just want to get this off my chest..

[KurtWild]

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

Hi Kurt
Unlurking after reading your thread. I think you have been treated appallingly by him and my heart goes out to you.

I don't think this man will ever stop letting you down. He's had his head turned by nights out and carefree colleagues. At his age he should have been able to balance both aspects of his life and not let this new social life come at the expense of his family.

The nights out will eventually lose their lustre and he may be left with only regrets, but for now, please focus on you and the DCs rather than expending energy and emotions on figuring out why this has ended up this way.

I would advise staying off FB as it's only torturing you and any interactions on there are not necessarily a reflection on real life.

I empathise with your frustration and you must feel like your head is going to explode. I'm glad you have a good family to support you through this.

I genuinely believe he's distancing himself from his family, and this may be a temporary thing for him, but for you, the trust must be shattered.

I hope you get a good night's sleep and try and ignore his lack of contact for the time being. My feeling is he will come crawling back at some stage, but the question is, by then will you want him?

Good luck.

If one of us doesn't break this stand-off then there will be no coming back, even if he does want to make changes, our dialogue has just stopped entirely. How on earth can we sort out what we need to if neither of us is willing to make the first move?

What a bastard he is, Kurt. You are doing brill iantly. Can you set a deadline in your head for him to get in touch? Maybe Monday? and plan to start taking practical steps to end the relationship and set yourself up as a single mum in the meantime? I know it's horrible

But Kurt, you made the move in telling him to buck his ideas up and keep in touch. He ought to be in touch every bloody day to see how his children are at the very least.

His head wrecking behaviour is like that of an immature single bloke.

Is there any way you could go out with a friend one Friday or Saturday night in the near future? Just to chat about this and have a few glasses of wine?

Hi all...I think that's what I'll have to do, if he hasn't been in touch by say tomorrow night then I'll send him this email. The time for recriminations is over, I'm not character bashing in the email, just saying how let down I am (as if he doesn't know it!), and I'd hoped he wanted to make things right but seeing as he's made it obvious that this is not the case, then we need to move forward and figure out what happens next.

I had the chance to go out tonight, my mum was happy to have DC, said I could express a couple of bottles and have a few hours out. I'm not really in touch with any of my old friends from where my mum and dad live though and the thought of sitting in a pub on my own nursing half a coke was just depressing.
I think he's messing with me now, I mean I thought he was taking the piss before but now it's like he's saying Oh, I wasn't in touch enough wasn't I? Well this is what not being in touch is like, kurt. I don't want to think that of him (I'm hoping my lovely DP is still in there somewhere) but I just don't see any other reason for it. To not even ask about the babies :( :( If he's punishing me for standing up for myself and calling him on shit behaviour, he's punishing his babies too :( :(

It's so sad & I'm sorry. He's an arsehole. He has 3 children!!!

Can you imagine not having any contact or any idea of how your children are for so many days!

I think you are right to leave it a bit longer. What a twat he is!

Just wanted to send love and support to you all. This is terribly hard and you are being remarkably together (even though you feel shite) given the hand you have been dealt. So pleased you are with your Mum and Dad, please stay there as long as you can to cushion the blow a little - you are not a burden as it would be much harder for them to have you all alone at your place. They love you and want to help so please let them. He is a selfish and childish and really it is his loss my love.

Midwife..how do I do it? how do I stay strong for them when all I want to do is curl up in a corner and cry and cry and cry...I devoted my life to this man and our babies, our lives together. How can he be so cruel? I'm sorry, I'm crying again. At least I've managed to not cry in front of my babies. I suppose that's how I stay strong, right? Not letting them see mummy in a mess. Fake it til I make it, right?

..this is unbearable..I just want to scream at him..I'm going to bed before I send a text I'll regret or post on his wall...I have to keep my dignity in all this.

You have kept your dignity. He hasn't, but you have. He is proving you right. I think an email is better than a phonecall at the moment as he can't talk over you/ cut you off / mess with your head. Also if he replies via email, it's a handy record for you as you go along as well.
Try and get some sleep, and sort it out tomorrow

He is a shithead who will come to realise what he is in future - could be 10 yrs, couuld even be longer, but it will bite him back sometime. Right now, he seems to have sectioned off his life like you don't exist as it's easier for him to deal with by cutting off, easier to do that from miles away.He's probably partying harder than ever as a distraction. Seek solace in that one day his misdeeds will haunt him and move on knowing that you are a better person.The young friends he has made will probably be transient. What you have is real and the people around you are genuine - I doubt his are. It's his loss, you will have the more enriched life ultimately because of the kind of person you are. I'd forget contacting him till he's next due back in the area, and expect that he won't so you quit waiting for contact. Then be calm about sorting bills and other finances on his return so he knows you mean business. It won't seem real to him until he gets back.

I've been lurking for a while and my heart aches for you and the little ones. Please don't contact this nasty selfish piece of shit, you are really hurting at the moment and probably hope that if you contact him he'll have a moment of clarity and snap out of it, I doubt that will happen.

You are acting with dignity and grace, this will pull you through this horrible situation.
Please keep posting because many people are here to help and have been through similar situations.

Thank you all so much, you really have no idea how much being able to post here is helping. Or how difficult not texting /calling him is, for the most part I just want to rage at him, tell him he's finally shown me what kind of man he is and it's not one I want to share my life with. But seeing as he's partying hard in London again (I stepped away from fb the moment his status came up), I think any communication right now would be in vain, or would only be given some sort of drunken retort.

My mum and dad have told me we can stay here as long as we need for me to get on my feet, which is wonderful of them, I know they're loving having us here, it's just a shame it's not under nicer circumstances and they didn't have to witness me coming apart at the seams. I know I'll be ok, I'm just finding it hard to believe right now.

I don't think I like your h very much kurt

Oh Kurt :( I'm so sorry ((hugs))

My thoughts are still with you Kurt.

Kurt, if he's having such a good time on these night's out, why's he always on FB?

It's all bollicks. I don't know who he's trying to impress.

What a dicksplash he is. Remember it's his fault and his loss, and I can't tell you how much good stuff you will reap from being so strong and dignified.

Tomorrow cancel the wedding if you haven't already. Get some legal advice too and then email him, emotionless, telling him that it's over and x will happen re children, CSA etc.

Do his parents know? If you like them let them know and arrange for them to see the children.

I'm sorry he is such a nob end and that you've had to go through this.

I'm so sorry honey. I think you need to delete & block him on FB do his posts don't hurt you & it'll stop you posting in anger too. I also think you need to go no contact. If you're going to be at your parents for a long time cancel your direct debits for bills etc at the house & phone & tell them you have left the property & have the bills put into the legal tenant's name, ie his. Tell council tax people you left the property & he is now solely responsible for it. You are not living there at the moment & have no income. Start making claims for benefits. Phone child tax credits, tell them you & partner have separated & your single income. Practicalities & adrenaline will keep you going for a while. Thank God you have your parents to support you! But you are bound to cry & feel devastated. It's normal to cry even in front of the children when you're upset. Mumsnetters helped me so much when I separated & we are here to help you now.

Hi, good morning. At least I slept better last night so this morning doesn't seem so bleak. I know I have a lot to sort out, I'll make the most of not having to face it today (it being Sunday) and just try and enjoy the day. My dad is taking us for Sunday lunch at a lovely family pub to save my mum from having to cook for so many (my grandparents are coming for the afternoon). All of this serves as a distraction from what's really going on. Good thing he had the foresight to buy a people carrier when I started producing grandchildren!

I'm starting to think the whole posting on FBI thing is to give him someone to talk to other than me if that makes sense, like he won't miss my texts if he's getting fb notifications all the time..maybe..I don't know. Grasping at straws I suppose, hoping he's missing my messages and trying to fill the gap they've left? Maybe he'll decide he prefers them. Gah.. really want to stay upbeat and positive today and not be a little storm cloud over proceedings, everyone is being so lovely.

On a brighter note, my babies are fighting off this cold and cough like little troopers, reduced to crusty noses (until mummy comes at them with a wipe!) and the odd rumbly cough. Other than that, right as rain and parked in front of waybuloo with breakfast, giving me a chance to post and top up my caffeine levels.
I can feel the change in me today, maybe it's because they're over the lurgi and back to my happy Smiley little people, or because I've slept better, or that I'm hopeful my lack of contact might be paying off and he's starting to miss me..or maybe it's the thought of a big carvery roast with people who love me or a bit of everything!
Thank you everyone who's been with me from the start, or delurking to give their input and support.. you have no idea how much it means to me.
X

Midwife's advice is spot on.

I think deleting him from your FB is a good idea. Unfriend him and change your relationship status. I have had a moment of clarity this morning and finally realised that he appears to be using FB to do his dirty work. He knows you can see it, he's doing it on purpose, I think he wants you to get mad with him to justify his behaviour. Sounds like flawed logic I know, but I think he is trying to be 18 again and marriage, kids etc didn't fit with that but he didn't have the bottle to say so.... I think he's a 'poor me' kind of guy too, so he wants to be able to say you left him / finished it and doesn't realise people are sharp enough to see that he deserves it.
I'm so sorry kurt, but I really think you have to see this as finished and move on as soon as you can.
Get on the local authority waiting list near your parents, state relationship break-up has forced you back to your parents, but it's overcrowded and see if you can get somewhere with afordable rent. You will get housing benefit to top up your income, even if you rent privately. Stay strong kurt

X-post! Glad you feel a bit better. I know it doesn't seem like it now, because you're 'grieving' for your relationship, but I really think you are going to feel better and better as you move on without him.

Delilah.. funny you should say that, it's exactly what my brother said last night, that he's using fb, knowing I can see it, to say look, I'm enjoying myself and it's what I want, I know it'll be upsetting you and I don't care. He's 17 and says his mates have often done that to get rid of a girl.. make her so mad she posts something shitty and finishes with them, which makes her out to be crazy and them well rid.
You could both be right. What a coward if that's true of him, what an utter spineless shit. He won't want to be the bad guy, then he can say kurt split the family up, Kurt made me a McDonald's daddy while I was away working hard for them.
I won't be posting on his wall, texting angry texts or calling. I won't let him draw me into that trap. He'll have to be the one to end it while I quietly move on and sort things out for me and my babies.

Good for you kurt. He's done all this to himself. You should try to catch up with old friends / make some new ones in the area too - you don't have to tell them anything other than you're thinking of moving back so staying with your parenst while you look or something. Keep an eye for toddler groups or similar. Distraction is a good start. He's treated you like shit, and thoroughly deserves to get home to an empty house, and bills he has to deal with himself.