just want to get this off my chest..

[KurtWild]

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

People are already noticing the change..his parents in particular, last time they visited they said they thought he needed to remember his responsibilities don't disappear when he goes away, and that I need to stop letting him take the piss. The problem is, most of our mutual friends will think he's out enjoying himself after he's called home and that he's texting me throughout the evening..his new ones I don't now and they're all young, free single types so they won't give a shit what he's doing as long as they're having fun. I hate this, I hate that I won't sleep tonight because of this and he'll just get pissed and pass out. We haven't even paid the bills for last month yet. One more thing for me to worry about while he has no worries at all.

Oh I forgot to ask about who's paying for his piss ups! If you have a joint bank account, can you change the pin or take a load of cash out and leave him with bugger all to piss up the wall?

Frown..thank you..I do just want to scream with rage at him, but as you and everyone else is saying, that's what he expects me to do. 'If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.' I would just love to let them all know what he's about these days, how he'll be saying oh, I love my babies, I miss my kurt..and they don't realise he hasn't been in touch in two days.
But I have to disagree that he's actually thinking about me..I think he stopped thinking about me a few months back when all these nights out and new friends popped up. I think I became a chore and an irritation, that they could all go out and not have to 'check in' but he had to break off his fun to call me. And to call me meant having to hear about real life, teething babies, broken tumble dryers..the day to day stuff..and he didn't want reminding that he's not a young flybynight, he's an almost 31 year old with a partner and babies and responsibilities...so he started ignoring me and that way he could pretend I didn't exist for a while..and then call up all apologetic the next day or whatever and everything would be fine.

That's what I think. Then I did start challenging him on it, I did start picking him up on it and saying hello, wtf is this? No calls? not even a text? And now I've become the enemy, stopping him from living the life he wants to live, demanding he return to being the man I fell in love with. And I honestly don't think he's going to.

Yes I think you have to accept that he's not committed to you & the children. And make plans for your immediate future, practically & financially. Is the house mortgaged or rented?

It's rented, it's in his name

I have to get some sleep while I can, I'm all cried out for now. I can't really think straight about finances and stuff just now, I'll be back tomorrow X

Kurt I agree with what youve said, but when he was going out and 'checking in' with you along the way, before or after his wild nights out, he was probably appeased by that as he still had contact with you and you were not necessarily happy, but he knew that you were still there. Now, with no contact, he doesnt have that knowledge, he doesnt know what you are thinking or whether his apologies or excuses will buy him out of the situation with you. I think he will only take stock of himself and the situation if he sees a change in your reaction. And if he doesnt do that, then he's not worth it anyway. By you making decisions for yourself and your children, he will soon realise that he is outside of your decisions and not central to them.

I agree that you should soon start making practical decisions about your future. But please dont think that you are allowing him to take the piss. Hes doing that all by himself, certainly without your permission. Hes made the choice to behave the way that he is, to abandon his responsibilities as a partner and father. What kind of man does that?

For what it worth, I dont think that his job has made him like this. Its only given him the opportunity to release who he is, without restraint and due consideration. He doesnt know what it means to be a father to his children and a partner to the mother of his children, his job means only touches into and out of that, but he has CHOSEN to be that way. From what youve posted, I dont see that he recognises the need to show you and your children due love and support. But you cant make him do those things. If hes only going to call, for example, because he has promised to, its hollow anyway. He should WANT to do those things, without prompting or reminding by you, else its meaningless. And having made those promises, by not keeping them, them he's even less of a man and les worthy of you. I honestly believe that if he wasnt behaving like this now, theres every likelihood that you would be posting the same problem once youd married.

The longer he leaves this without contacting you, the clearer it is that he doesnt want this. Im so sorry, but you will get through this. I hope you manage to get some sleep as I know that this will be so draining for you. x

Morning Kurt. Hope you managed to get some sleep. Are the bills in his name? If so, he'll have to sort that out himself for now so don't worry too much. Do you know roughly how much he earns? If so you can use the csa calculator to give you an idea how much he'll have to contribute towards the children. If he's away so much, seems pointless for him to keep the tenancy going in his name, if the LL agrees maybe you could have it changed in to your name? Everything will be ok for you in the end kurt. I know it hasn't worked out as you wanted, but really it will be for the best. Be very aware that he is going to get a shock when he comes home though, and may well try to turn things around then, if he does this you have to stay strong as his current behaviours indicates that as soon as he went away again things would return to the same as they have been.
I hope we can all contribute to helping you cope.

Yes check out benefits & maintenance. Sorry love

Everything Delilah says.

The emotional side has understandably been very draining for you. Perhaps now you could put that to one side for a little while and spend a bit of time looking at your financial position.

It's easy enough for him to think he can maintain the party lifestyle on current income (although if last month's bills haven't been paid perhaps he can't afford it anyway?). If he sees the reality of how much of his money he needs to pay for maintenence plus he will need a place to live / store his stuff when he is not on the road and cash for bills / nights out. When he sees that his earnings just won't stretch that far he might realise that his new lifestyle is just a facade and one that he can't afford to maintain long term. It could well be a reality check for him.

Also you should get the word out about what's happening in your relationship. Confide in a mutual friend, contact his parents for advice etc. When the rows between you are your word against his, it's a stalemate. when his friends and family are telling him he's nuts to be risking all he has he may well stop and think and question who his new friends are compared to the people you both know.

This party lifestyle makes him think he can turn back time to how life was before he met you and had three children. When he finally realises he can never go back then he may be smart enough to rethink this path he has started down.

Good luck (and make the most of the time you can now spend with your parents as well as your children!)

good morning Kurt,
I don't have much to add to everyone's good advice re: finances, so I'll say this: Give yourself a great big hug and a from me, and try to make sure you are eating reasonably well.

Shock and grief can manifest at physical levels and it's important to take care of yourself. xxx

Good morning all..zero sleep again, I'm running on caffeine today. All the bills are in my name apart from the rent, he usually pays enough into the joint account from his wages account (which I have no access to) to top up my child tax credit so the bills are paid 60/40..I asked if he'd transferred it but he said he hadn't had chance so I've paid what I can this month plus food bill etc. I'm gonna have a talk to my mum today about extending our stay longer if needs be.
Your support is great, thanks all. I'm sorry if this post is a bit rushed but I just wanted to check in before trying for a power nap!

Thanks x

What a sad thread. I am so sorry you have been going through this Kurt. I am glad you have lovely DP's to help you. I have no advice but I wanted to wish you and your DC well.
You sound like a great Mum and a sensible and mature person. Trust your instincts and try not to second and third guess what you do. No one knows the correct or right thing to do in these types of situations, you just have to do the best you can.

Id be so tempted to put something on Facebook! Something along the lines of "babies poorly, shame their dad hasn't bothered to enquire about them or contact us for days on end! Too busy getting pissed in clubs."

Probably a bit provocative though

It is tempting to be provocative PooPoo !! I'd have twitchy fingers! kurt is doing the right thing in the long term though. People will soon realise and his game will be up.

I agree that kurt should be restrained on facebook. however she needs all the support she can get so could perhaps update her status along the lines of "enjoying an extended stay with my parents. So glad they are around to help out as my babies are all poorly with colds and coughs'

Get an immediate claim in for CSA, housing benefit, council tax benefit & change your child tax credit income &/or claim income support just in case he doesn't pay the rent/bills.

I'd also contact your Landlord too and ask if they would be willing to end his contract and write a new one in your name. Protect yourself and your babies and get all your bases covered. He is an idiot.

How have things gone today Kurt? Thinking of you.

Do try to get some sleep, it won't help you think clearly and stay strong if you are even more sleep deprived than is usual with 3 babies!! you could even speak to your GP about this and see if they can suggest anything to help you sleep, would your parents look after the babies in the night if needed?

Hope you have managed to cope today.

De-lurking to say Good Luck, you are doing wonderfully well. You are amazing, your children are very lucky. They'll have a much better life secure in your love and in a hasty, safe home, than sharing their home with an uncommitted, distant daddy too, and an insecure, cross mummy. You'll all be fine.

Do look at finances. Take control. What does he earn? Make bloody well damn sure you get every penny of maintenance, every month from him. If its more than you need (it won't be!) put some away for your babies' futures. He bloody well owes them and you.

I will be thinking of you, your situation has really touched me. Bastard bloody cunting man.

hasty = happy!

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your support and concern ... I've been trying to distract myself all day, my mum had the DC so I could go into town shopping and for a coffee. I had a nice couple of hours, picked up a couple of winter things for my babies and blew some of the cobwebs away. I've slept too, and I've been fed so all good there. Still no contact from him but one of us will have to break at some point if only to discuss what happens next. At the moment it's a stand-off. He does have a stubborn streak and he'll be saying to himself if she can't call me, I'm not calling her. One of us has to be the grown up here and it looks like it's going to have to be me (again). I'm working on an email at present.
The bills..well as I said I've paid what I can without leaving us with no money but I certainly can't cover all the rent as well. He only renewed the tenancy in February for another twelve months (he felt better doing that rather than just having it rolling over month to month) and seeing as it's an agency not a landlord I can't see them transferring it into my name. They wouldn't put it in joint names as my income isn't secure (I design greetings cards online so my income depends on if I sell any or not plus the venture is still in its infancy iyswim). I'll have to see where I stand on that one.
As for facebook...I've had to sit on my hands all day, he's updating now and I'm so close to posting it's unreal but I'm not going to. He'll just use it against me and probably block me. So I'm doing what my mum advised and not airing my dirty washing in public. Let his shiny new friends think he's the doting family man, I know he isn't and that's all that counts.

How long has it been since you heard from him last?

PoopPoo I haven't heard from him since wednesday night when he turned everything round on me.