just want to get this off my chest..

[KurtWild]

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

Hi...yo're all helping to keep me sane you know, if I hadn't had this thread to write things down and all of you giving me advice and support I'd have gone barmy by now. I've had lots of runny nosed kisses today, the DC are cheery enough (the magic of calpol) but it's definitely developing into coughs so I expect to be up a lot rubbing snuffle babe onto their chests during the night. We cheered ourselves up with half an hour feeding the ducks in the park just before tea (ducks are always a winner) and it got me out for a bit.
Now they're all settled I'm going to attempt to wrangle the remote off my dad and watch something other than sport (but then it is his house/tv and we have been taking it up with a lot of in the night garden lately..) I know they love having us here but I do feel such a burden to them..they shouldn't have to be dealing with this.
I'm pretty sure DP isn't dead somewhere, the company would surely have told me. I just felt so down this afternoon, so tired and my brain working over time. Everyone's advice of keeping myself distracted or busy was great, the ducks helped, and then there was tea to help with, bathtime, feed time...lots to keep my mind off what he's doing. He hasn't been in touch at all, not even a quick text. I'm steering well clear of FB because if I see he's commented on his new work colleagues pointless status but can't think to see how his babies are (actual real life important stuff) then I will blow a gasket and call him on it.
I just don't know how he can not want to hear about them, hear them in the background or when they try to kiss him down the phone...does he not think they miss him?? This new version of him seems to think the minute he walks out of the door all responsibility for them and me and our home is relinquished. I'm so angry on their behalf.

Rant over...this might make you smile, and let's face it, some of us on here don't have much to smile about right now..my mum came back from the supermarket with 50 shades of grey for me and said (I quote) 'this'll perk you up, love, just your kind of thing.' Thanks mum !!!

Thanks to all of you too, I'm rubbish at namechecking, I'm sorry..once I get typing I get a bit carried away..is it o clock for any of you yet? It's and for me.

Well done Kurt! he can't suspend real life forever, he will have to come out of the bubble at some point and that's when you need to have all of your thoughts and requirements in place because you need to be running him not the other way around, this is the new world order and it doesn't revolve around him. One reality check is to state that you want to organise access and holidys and with Christmas coming up there will be the DC to discuss and his family views as this will help you organise your life and plans. Meanwhile, get some sleep and I promise you that things will get better and your DC will know that you put them first and didn't want them growing up where their mother is a doormat!

But he isn't going to do any running is he, he's in a bloody club again making stupid comments on FB. No, I didn't check someone we both know has just called to see how I am and thought it would be pertinent to give me this nugget of information. He's getting pissed in a bloody club, and he hasn't sent ONE BLOODY TEXT to ask how the DC are, he doesn't give a shit that he's had no texts or calls from me, he's not sat in his hotel room thinking ooh she hasn't been in touch, I should call...he's out on the lash living it up with his shiny new friends and not giving a shit about me or my babies. And he has the audacity to tell people what a good dad he is, how much he loves and misses his babies. So, so angry...I want to text him right in the middle of his jolly night out and tell him a few home truths. I know I shouldn't, I know I have to keep the moral high ground here but someone tell me how I can :( :( :(

or I want to post it on his FB wall so all his shiny new friends can see what a git he's being...

Hi Kurt, well done for getting through another day.

Just wanted to say, try not to think of yourself as a 'burden' on your parents. They love you and want to look after you, just the same as you do for your own DC. It's what (most!) of us parents do.

I personally would be tempted to look at the FB site, just to reignite your anger! Of course he will have updated. And if he hasn't, it's because he's out somewhere pretending he is single.

So sorry you are going through this. Hope you get some sleep tonight.

a total and utter git, Kurt - but (I hate to say this) since this is looking like it's going to end in you separating because he just doesn't care any more the harder you can cling to the moral high ground now, the better the split will go for you. And I don't mean "less stress" I mean more 'social capital' for want of a less pretentious phrase, and more dignity, and more claim to icily state your requirements re: access, maintenance etc.

AARGH though, I could bloody murder him! :)

Sorry, started that last post half an hour ago before you'd updated. But of course he is out having fun, again.

Please don't waste any more time imagining him lying in a ditch, or thinking he might be wracked with guilt about what he's doing. He's clearly having too much fun to care.

Start thinking about yourself and what kind of future you want for your DC. You all deserve much better than this.

I wasn't going to look but he's just updated again and the girl I mentioned before is all over his comments, she's not actually out with him now but looks like she will be next week. How can he do that? Comment after comment after comment yet not a single text home in two days...I'm actually starting to resent him and I never did...I'm actually starting to think he's doing it so I'll see it and rise to it. I can't stop crying..I just want to be done with it all and at the same time for him to come home and give me a big hug :( :( I just want to write you utter bastard all over it...but it won't help will it. It's over :( :( :(

I just want to put 'glad you're having fun, a text home would be nice, ask how your babies are maybe'... but then his new mates will think I'm a bitch using his kids against him and he'll gain the high ground. It's not using them against him though, is it..it's stating a bloody fact!!!

I'm so sorry kurt, I'm at the stage of thinking I wouldn't want him to do any running because he still isn't putting his children first apart from anything else. Do you really want someone this selfish back?
I think he is banking on you bluffing and in his mind it'll all be fine when he gets home. I honestly think you should consider getting legal advice regarding the house, maintenance and access. I am very sorry he's been such a shit and hasn't sorted himself out.
What you're feeling now is a kind of grief, and you will work through a whole host of emotions. Just remember you have your beautiful children, and the support of your loving parents and he will be the sad toss pot loser trying to go clubbing when he's 75 because he still hasn't grown up. If he can't see what he's throwing away, you are so much better off away from him.
I think the running will come when he comes home and hasn't got all his little friends to play with. Bollocks to him Kurt, you are worth so much more

You are right, he is an utter bastard.

Unfortunately, I don't think he's posting stuff to get a reaction from you, though. He is just enjoying himself, regardless of you.

X-post. I totally understand that you want to 'hurt' him back somehow, like FB comment, but you are right to resist. Did you tell the mutual friend that the children were ill? He's going to look a bit stupid if they ask him if the children are better.....

Is it visible on FB that you are engaged / in a relationship with one another?

I'm delurking, been reading since the start and didn't really have any advice, or still don't but just wanted to say what a little fucking shit he is! If he's anything like my DP (we're both v stubborn) he'll refuse to text me if we've had words or a tiff because he knows it drives me mad!

Also (I only have a one sided story of this) he was with his ex who he hated and wanted rid of her so told her to her face he was shagging about behind her back and I think he actually was and was being deliberately horrible so she ended it with him. Obviously I have no idea what ur DP is like but could he have decided your lovely little family isn't for him any more but just hasn't got the balls to tell you?

P.S Have you cancelled the wedding?

I've just read the whole thread. I'm do sorry you're going through this honey, especially with 3 little ones. Thank God you have your parents - they sound great & must be really worried about you. The only advice I can give is, don't make yourself look like the crazy jealous GF by posting on FB or involving mutual friends or his family in this. Be dignified. Scream & shout on here or to your family & best friend instead. Nothing you say to him will make any difference if he has already detached or checked out of your family life. He will just use anything you say as an excuse to justify his behaviour. You deserve better than this & only by setting him free & letting him be alone is there any hope he will realise what you really mean to him ' put things right. If he doesn't - you have the answer. I'm sorry.

Sounds to me like the kids are not a reality for him. You say you have 3 under 3? Has he been pretty much away for most of their lives?
See the reality is, when it comes down to it, he's not really in their lives is he? Whether that's subconsciously by choice or has just become that way over time, I don't know. They're not real for him; no close bonding seems to have taken place. Do you think that's the case?

Another possibility you need to face is that he feels he's not ready for marriage or just doesn't want it, and is trying to sabotage it now, i.e. behaving as badly as he possibly can to force this situation?

Only throwing things out there. You know the ins and outs better than anyone, but don't, whatever you do, engage in a slagging match on FB. Hold your ground, keep your dignity, just don't stoop to that level.

Good post Helltotheno

Hi Kurt, Just read the whole thread and I just wanted to offer my support. It does seem like he has checked out, both from you and the dc's. I'm so sorry....

Only you would know, but with his change of behaviour, trendy job and younger mates, is there any chance he has got involved in any sort of recreational drugs, which might make him stay up all night, become more detached, paranoid etc?

I think the only way for you to be together is for him to make a major change of job, friends and priorities.

Lots of strength to you.....

I'm so so upset, thanks all, I'm actually shaking and crying..thank god for my mum and dad..They're cursing FB and him simultaneously. Midwife you're right..nothing I say will make any difference now, he'll just be able to say to his new friends look what she's like, how can I put up with that, and yes, he'll use it against me. How on earth did I get here? Two weeks ago we were looking to book our honeymoon..thank god we didn't part with a deposit yet. Yes it shows we're engaged on our FB, but I suppose they assume he calls or texts home regularly, he won't tell them otherwise will he, wouldn't want anyone thinking he's a git. But he is. He's an utter shit. I actually can't believe this of him. This fucking job has screwed us up..he's let it when he promised me he wouldn't.

I don't know if this is a good idea or not - so let's see what others think - I would be inclined to change my own satus to either single or 'it's complicated'. I really don't think he realises you're serious, and he needs to realise no matter what the outcome so things can be sorted for you to move on.
Try and let all your emotion out, here and with your parents. I really do think that once you have your own little place with the DC you'll be glad to see the back of a man who can do this to you.

oops *status

Look for what it's worth, I think you should block him, change your status, whatever you need to do. I can tell you that many of your mutual friends right now are thinking he's an arse. What prat starts posting on FB about the clubs he's going to and the highlife he's living with 3 tiny kids at home? Trust me, he's not looking good right now.

Break off the engagement, at the very least.

"Sounds to me like the kids are not a reality for him."

Think this is very wise from helltotheno - not that he doesn't love the kids necessarily, but he hasn't a bleeding clue about actually taking his part in this little family. How can he POSSIBLY complain that you're too high-maintenance when you are at home with his three tiny children? Babies and toddlers are just about the most high-maintenance people most of us will ever have to deal with, and no matter what he should be getting in touch for their sake! I cannot imagine going a whole day without knowing how my two year old is doing.

You're up with them in the night, and he doesn't even bloody know they're ill because he hasn't bothered to ask. Missing three weeks out of every four with them, and not even spending much time alone with them when he's home - he doesn't know what being a father is, and he sure as hell doesn't know what high-maintenance is.

Ive been reading your thread from the beginning Kurt and I am so so sorry that you are in this situation. Ive been in this situation myself and its so tough, particularly when you are screaming out for a reaction from your DP and you are only graced with denial on his part and turning situations to make it look like you are unreasonable, irrational or hysterical. And all you want to do is SCREAM with frustration...and it bloody hurts.

My tuppenceworth is that no reaction or further response is the best thing you can do right now. I know that you are desperate to communicate with him and at least let his friends wisen up to what an irresponsible git and father he is being right now, and I would too. BUT please use this situation to your advantage to retain the moral high-ground and to give you strength. What you may not realise is that you are already sending out huge messages to your DP and his friends. I have no doubt that the absence of any messages to him or comments will speak huge volumes.

If you do post on his FB you will be giving what he wants - a reaction. He knows you and no doubt expects you to react. Your best strength is to shake him up by acting outside of his expectations of you. If you do post, he will just process that as further example you acting irrationally ... and of not being able to keep up the strength to freeze him out.

Please keep posting here, you are getting lots of great advice and support here. Its going to be tough, but you can get through this, one day at a time. Huge hugs to you, really the best way that I think you'll get his attention will be by giving him none. If you do nothing, Id bet anything right now that he has not stopped thinking about you and his position in your life. Id also guess that the non-stop partying isnt all that you might imagine right now, cos you will keep niggling away and creeping into his thoughts. But lets face it, he isnt about to man-up and deal with things, not yet anyway, so partying is an intended distraction. It may not feel like it, but you are doing so well right now. Keep on keeping strong. x