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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just want to get this off my chest..

641 replies

KurtWild · 25/08/2012 20:38

Long time lurker, very occasional poster...getting straight to the point DP (DH in a few months time) works away 3 out of every 4 weeks and is becoming increasingly crap at staying in touch. It's night out after night out for him when it used to be he called me straight after work for a quick hi how are you and DC, then later when DC (three under 3's) were in bed he'd call for a proper chat...it was great to think he made that time to keep the connection going, I felt like part of his life even though he was miles away, felt like he missed us etc. Now I feel so low down his list of priorities to the point where I don't think I'm actually on it at all!

Don't get me wrong, it must be boring as hell sat in a hotel room but to be out til after 1am every single night? And a few times these last two trips he's been out all night, no call at all just a text to say he loves me and his phone is dying. Is it me or is this taking the piss? Not to mention the cost at London prices... When I bring it up he says I'm being needy and he works hard does he not deserve a social life!! I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I miss the calls, the goodnight texts..I miss feeling like part of his outside life. I do have a life btw, friends, family etc and work part time from home (run ragged I am lol)... so it's not a resentment thing I just feel like its increasingly becoming out of sight out of mind and it bloody hurts.
I keep bringing this lack of communication up and he says he'll try more and does it for a few days then it falls back to bare minimum. I think I'm beginning to flounder, I hate feeling like this. For those in relationships where the OH works away, are they in touch quite a bit? Maybe it's me expecting too much? I don't know anymore!

OP posts:
Original poster
KurtWild · 30/08/2012 12:02

Major that's fine, I appreciate your input and it does sound very much like our situation.. it feels like he has one foot in this relationship and the other foot out of the door. I will have to get tougher on him but at this point I think he's stopped listening. I'm not going to contact him at all today that way I don't get drawn into any bullshit. I know this isn't my fault, I know it's him that's changed and not me..getting him to see it is another thing entirely.
I'm going to go take my DC for snuggles in my bed now, lots of cuddles and see if we can get a couple of hours sleep..thanks again to all, I'll update when I can X

OP posts:
MajorB · 30/08/2012 12:27

Good for you. Do be kind to yourself at this point, get lots of sleep (when you can) and try to eat well - if you're physically drained it can make everything so much harder, and you have enough to deal with as it is.

Take care.

delilahlilah · 30/08/2012 12:49

Wow kurt, you're a whole new you already. Can see the difference in your posts. Much stronger, and forward looking. You're doing really well leaving the contact to him. Maybe when he rings you can cut in if he starts with all the previous crap, and just say I don't wish to discuss this now.. on a practical note we need to arrange access visits etc? Just a thought.

blackcurrants · 30/08/2012 12:57

Hope you got some great cuddles and some good rest, Kurt. Rooting for you. x

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/08/2012 19:12

Hope you had some good snuggles and a bit of kip this afternoon Kurt.

Well, it sounds like he's still desperately trying to kid himself that he's not in the wrong. He phones, wants to talk through issues; but he doesn't want to answer questions just try to back you into a corner and deflect, deflect, deflect. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. He still thinks this gives him control of the non-conversation. Could I suggest that if he does this again, you stop him in his tracks? Maybe "That's not my priority right now, we need to sort out your access to the DCs, let's discuss that." Or if you're feeling particularly strong, "I am not prepared to listen to you trying to deflect me any more, I'm stopping you right there, please call me back when you're prepared to have an adult conversation." And hang up. Take the initiative away from him. Drive it home to him that he is not in charge here, you are.

Original poster
KurtWild · 30/08/2012 20:11

Hi Delilah, blackcurrants, whereyouleftit and all..I managed a couple of hours sleep this afternoon, lots of lovely cuddles, and my mum's feeding me despite my protestations that I'm not hungry. All good on that front! Thank God for parents, eh?

DP not been in touch..I really wish I hadn't bought into his rubbish last night and just flat refused to engage in it, instead I ended up defending myself for asking a perfectly reasonable question while he deflected it back on me. The advice I've had on here is sound, and if he tries again to place the blame on me or turn things around, I'll tell him I'm not interested and end the conversation. Damn I wish I'd done that last night instead of letting him get to me. Thanks again all Wine X

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 30/08/2012 20:53

Don't blame yourself for that Kurt, it's just a sign that you are a reasonable person making the mistake of thinking that you are dealing with another reasonable person. It's easier for us other MNers from this distance, we can see the woods; you, unfortunately, have your view obscured by some very big and familiar trees Sad. Glad to hear you got some sleep, it's surprising sometimes how much of a difference that can make.

delilahlilah · 30/08/2012 21:13

Evening Kurt. You are doing the important stuff looking after yourself and the little ones. Leave him to stew, if he doesn't contact you maybe compose an email asking him to set out what he expects to happen regarding access, maintenance etc. It doesn't mean you accept what he says but it makes him see you are serious, and you will know then if you will need legal advice etc. Forewarned is forearmed. Glad your Mum is looking after you.

Auntienokids · 30/08/2012 21:57

Hi Kurt, been following posts and agree with advice. I've been away working and on residential courses, it's living in a bubble not real life and therefore v. seductive as everyone else is probably feeling the same. BUT, it's temporary. DP sounds like he's in similar situation. His behaviour is unacceptable. He needs a back of the neck under the cold tap treatment and the advice re business-like proposals re access and finance is the best way to jolt him into reality. Create and maintain the adult discussion whilst he behaves like a child and don't deviate, logical, practical is the way to go. Good luck.

stuffitunderthebed · 30/08/2012 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KurtWild · 31/08/2012 00:46

Just posting here to stop me texting him goodnight, I know he was set to have a hard day at work today, so much on his shoulders. I feel like crap for not texting to ask how it went, and to say goodnight, like a rubbish, unsupportive partner.. then I remember he hasn't text or called about our day has he, not a peep out of him..and my day hasn't exactly been easy. Do I want to text? Yes, very much so. Am I going to? No.
Goodnight all X

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Nanny0gg · 31/08/2012 00:53

Well done Kurt.

I know it's hard, but let him decide what he wants and whether his social life is worth losing his family over.

You don't deserve this.

StuntGirl · 31/08/2012 01:44

Oh well done for not texting Kurt. You and your lovely children really do deserve so much better. How can he not want to keep in touch with his family? After a bad/stressful/hard day the first person I want to talk to is my boyfriend.

I hope you and the kids are enjoying a lovely time with the grandparents (even in these circumstances). X

ChasedByBees · 31/08/2012 05:05

Well done Kurt. Hope you feel ok this morning x

piratecat · 31/08/2012 09:32

you only tried to have a normal two sided convo with him, which is totally normal, and what you used to be able to do without thinking.

he has changed and has moved the markers Kurt. Don't change to placate him or give him an inch of understanding.

It's very hard to not text or chase, but don't. He's not appreciating any of it anyway, so keep a bit of you for yourself, anf for your little ones. Have been following this thread, and i will check in late to see how you are today. x

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 31/08/2012 10:04

Just thinking of you Kurt and hoping you got some sleep last night x

stuffitunderthebed · 31/08/2012 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KurtWild · 31/08/2012 14:24

Hi all, sorry I've not been around much but I've had practically zero sleep and my babies have colds that are developing into coughs :( DP not been in touch at all. I keep thinking do I text to say DC are poorly, or what? I mean what kind of man doesn't get in touch with his family for two days? Forget asking how I am, how about asking how his babies are?
On top of that I'm beginning to wonder if he's ok, for all I know he could've gone out and be lying dead in a ditch. He knows I'll be worried, he knows it's in my make -up to worry about the people I love (he calls that irrational but I don't see it as a flaw). Just trying to chill out as much as possible without leaning told heavily on my mum and dad. They both have health issues and don't deserve their mess of a daughter adding to them.
Your continued support is lovely, thanks everyone X

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 31/08/2012 14:33

Hold out Kurt, definitely on this occasion. If something had happened him, you'd likely have been told. It's absolutely up to him how much interest he's going to show in his family here. It's crucial that you don't tip the balance of that in any way by contacting him. Only this way will you discover what he really wants and he will disclose that to you by his actions from here in. If he wanted to know how his children are, he'd have called.

I feel sorry for you being with your parents :( even though I'm sure they are happy to have you. They do love you and you're not a failure in their eyes. Your DP is the twunt, they know that too...

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/08/2012 14:55

Don't apologise Kurt, we're around here for you, not the other way around Wink. Sorry to hear about the DCs getting a cold and the lack of sleep, minor things when all's right with the world but overwhelming when it's not. Try and snatch some sleep whenever you can, even 20 minutes dozing in front of the TV can help take the edge off.
(((hugs)))

Original poster
KurtWild · 31/08/2012 15:04

Thanks..everything just seems to be getting on top of me, my brain won't shut down, it's building all sorts of scenarios from him suddenly turning up here and sweeping us away home (unlikely) to him leaning on his new young friends and them telling him he's better off without me and worse..I can't seem to switch off :(

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 31/08/2012 15:11

Well I guess in reality, any of those scenarios could happen/could be happening but they'll happen with or without your input. I think ultimately, if this is the end for the two of you, no matter what, he'll come to regret it bigtime so remember that.

I know it's hard not to contact him but the ball is absolutely in his court here. He's the one who doesn't seem to want his family, not you. He's the one with everything to lose, not you.

Stop thinking about him. Get in some movies for tonight and try and focus on other things and have a Wine :)

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/08/2012 15:32

Yes, the best thing at the moment would be distraction. Any activity that involves the brain. Sounds silly, but I often use puzzle books to shut me down. Once Sudoku has restricted my world to the numbers 1 to 9, I can usually get to sleep a lot easier (badly insomniac). Or some TV/DVD that your DC would like too?

Try to hold on to the fact that the main reason you're so down today is the lack of sleep, and that once you've managed to rest you'll be feeling a lot better. Difficult I know, but it may help you to feel more in control of your life.

Heleninahandcart · 31/08/2012 17:12

Hold in there Kurt. Of course you want to tell him the DC are sick but do remember if he were half the man you thought he was he would know because he would have been in touch to ask. Distract yourself, focus on DC and your own well being.

Rest assured, he is not in a ditch (on a practical note, he sound self centred enough to still post on fb from the ditch of his choice).

You know you have to hold out now, you are doing this for the sake of your future. He needs to know you mean business.

delilahlilah · 31/08/2012 20:12

Hi Kurt, how are the DCs doing? I hope you don't catch it as well. You're doing really well to hold out. He's a grown man and can/should take care of himself. He should also be taking care of his family, which includes keeping in touch to see how they are. He is the one away from them, and he is away because of his career choice, the onus is on him.
You're not a mess either, and I'm sure your parents would rather be there for you to get through this than let you continue as you were. You know how you would feel if it was your child going through this. We're all here to support you. Say what you need to, moan as much as you like. It's your thread Wink