I'm quite happy with a jar of Branstons

[LouP19]

Morning all.

Talking of Toast Toppers, he took 2 tins of that as well. Yes, really.

My pantry is now full of Heinz cheese ravioli and Tesco sausage and beans.

We have one, but don't need it.

Rather late on here but I suspect the 'sit back and wait' comment was more relative to the fact that a bank holiday is imminent, rather than a general dragging of feet. Plus there are other decisions that Lou has to make yet.

but I am just surmising.

Plenty of good advice on here, as ever. I am sure Lou will be able to sift through what is most relevant, most immediately and file away the rest for future reference. :)

Gas meters ouside the home require a plastic key to open them, but they're generic keys, the reader will have one.

Lou probably will file for divorce, but right at the moment she's struggling with her pregnancy, what to do about it (and all the tiredness involved), how to keep him out of her home when he's legally entitled to be there.. FFS, it's been what, three weeks or so sinc eshe discovered all this shite?

Some people don't understand how painfully slowly the legal system generally acts, especially in civil cases.

Honestly, I've never had a meter key. I promise. West London here, though. In fact, Richmond. Perhaps we can be relied on not to vandalise our meters. Although I didn't have one in Dalston, Tooting, Stoke Newington, Kennington, Brixton or Birmingham, either. Not even in Balsall Heath which at the time appeared to be entirely populated by students and prostitutes.

Perhaps different utility companies have different policies. Sometime before 1998, in a moderately Ok but neither posh nor skanky part of Edinburgh, I knew people with gas meters outside their homes, I had one myself (with wee plastic key, purchasable in any hardware store). It wasn't anything to do with payg, or vandalism, just so the meter-reader didn't have to disturb you.

I would actually love the meter reader not to disturb me. I am sick to death of answering the door to them when I am working. Hmm. Bring back meter keys in SW London!

Is it worth pointing out that Lou's last thread was talked out with chutney-related chitter-chatter because Porto, having made her point over and over again wouldn't give it up?

I repeat, it's about three weeks since Lou came home to discover her H gone, along with half of their worldly belongings, inc chutney. Since then, she has also discovered an on-going affair, and her own pregnancy, after thinking she'd lost yet another one. In that time, she has mustered support from here, her neighbours, and her employers... And she's seen a lawyer, repelled the catfood onslaught, and generally wrong-footed her ex.

Porto, in many ways I share your frustration. But you have given your advice, and as you acknowlege Lou is perfectly smart enough to sort out for herself the advice that is good, and relevant.

So how about you give her a break? Hectoring really won't help.

OldLady - I have never hectoted Lou. I think some of her supportters give her bad advice and have tried to counter that. So tonight I have given proper advice - it was taken on board enought that people are talking about keys and cupboard re. the electricity. And now you pop up to tell me to piss off as I will not do proper chutney pom pom waving. I have given Lou the proper and appropriate advise according to my knowledge,

Hello Lou, I also think you might as well get the ball rolling, it will help you feel more in control of events, rather than stuff just happening to you all the time.

Over the bank holiday weekend, why not do a bit of reading? This is a post I prepared for another thread which I have now reposted a number of times. Not all of it will be relevant to you, but there is plenty of useful stuff here which will prepare you and help you come to a decision:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also find family law solicitors here:

www.lawsociety.org.uk/areasoflaw/view=areasoflawdetails.law?AREAOFLAW=Family%20law&AREAOFLAWID=36

Check your eligibility for Legal Aid here:

legalaidcalculator.justice.gov.uk/calculators/eligiCalc?execution=e1s1

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Child Maintenance Calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Further advice and support

www.maypole.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships
(Re Shelter, if you are not in England follow the link at the top)

"Lou - in a few years, it won't matter to anyone, no even you, what the grounds for divorce were or who was the wronged party."

This is really true, and really important.

In a UK divorce, it matters not a jot who did what to whom or when. People cling to a load of old codswallop about 'blame', which has every place in trying to make sense of one's upturned life but none on a divorce petition.

One party has to divorce the other. Any old reason ('fault') will do; people have divorced for snoring, for always cooking fish on a Friday and all sorts of things. Courts take the very sensible view that, if a spouse is pissed off enough to apply for divorce, the marriage is defunct.

X2 fartarsed about over divorcing. I think he was making time to check out my replacement a dramatic point rather than wanting a definite end to our farce of a marriage. I moved things along by petitioning him - I just rang up the court, filled out a petition myself, and waited for a reaction. He was most affronted (as predicted) so, as predicted, he divorced me. Fine. I helped him fill it out.

Porto's other good point - which has been made before - is that it's a bit daft to expect him to keep paying your bills, Lou. A swift financial resolution will hurry up the time when you and your dad can get moving on building your future. Plus, if there's a chance Chutney can be persuaded/frightened/guilted into a favourable agreement, that's more likely to happen sooner rather than after the pair of you have spent every penny on warring solicitors and he's got OW+1 to worry about too.

Remember we have no idea what he's really doing and even less idea what he's going to do next. The quicker you can pin him down the better, I should have thought. I imagine he will resist financial disclosure with every fibre of his gift-wrapped soul, so getting the details will drag things out - the sooner you get things started, the sooner you can finish this and begin the next, better, phase of your life.

NotaDisneyum -- as long as Lou is not divorced for adultery with the postman...

Who divorces whom might be important if Lou ends up keeping the baby and petitioning for support.

This is to Portofino --
Lou has already told us all that she will not be discussing blow by blow the details of her consultations with her solicitor. Just because you haven't seen an account of her plans for getting her H to pay household bills and the mortgage doesn't mean you should assume the lawyer has her head in the clouds.

This lawyer of Lou's was recommended by the first lawyer and I think we can assume she is experienced in family law and up to the task of deciding how to proceed. I think it is safe to assume the question of who pays the bills will be thrashed out in the next little while. I think it is safe to assume the lawyer will make appropriate requests and will know what to do if the H refuses, if his cheques bounce, etc.

A court can order mortgage payments be made, and can also order utility payments continue to be paid by the person usually responsible. Lou needs to get her bank statements /payment history together but I am sure the sol has already told her what documents she will need.

I agree this letter may be a testing of the waters, a way to see the tone of the reply. There is no need to go in guns blazing straight off the blocks. The response will tell a lot. At the point when the response arrives things can either heat up or proceed quickly to an agreed resolution.

I personally feel that Lou has a chance of getting what she wants out of the H by proceeding fairly quickly and holding the threat of telling the OW about the baby over him - guessing that the OW doesn't know, and thinking it would be a threat best delivered before the OW has the baby and feels stuck with the H, needing his help and with her options foreshortened.

I also think Lou needs to establish that the H and the OW are living together and that the OW is pregnant.

Lou:
You can expect him to lie through his teeth and you may be amazed (and deeply hurt) at the picture he paints of you and of your relationship.

Lou, the.courts are not even going tobtry to find out who did what, or whose fault it is. They are not going to ho with a magnifying glass checking all of the documents. They are not here to administer "justice" fir what has been done to you (unless whatever he has done to you had left you unable to work), most solicitor letters would not even looked at once you reach the final stages of the court process. You are paying some one to put pressure on him, he will do the same. These letters have no more legal value than if your mum had written them. You dot even need to know his address, it doesnt serve ANY purpose unless you want to prove cohabitation, but if the OW is a student as you think, with no substantial income, fighting to prove cohabitation is an absolute waste of time and money.

So, it is all about getting to a settlement as quick as possible. The main point to tip the balance on your favour is that you are pregnant and the court will see that the child needs are taken care of. If there was no baby, and considering the length of your marriage, you would be looking to get 50% of the assets and also be liable for 50% of the debts. As porto say, he can't be forced to pay the mortgage for you or the bills of the house unles there is an order saying so, but condidering the circumstances and his likely salary, it is highly unlikely that the court order so.

Keep sight of the big picture, ie. if trying to get an extra £20,000 of the equity of the house is going to cost you £30,000, it is a fight that is not worth it.

Keep use of the solicitors to an absolute minimum, some times correcting a simple letter could cost more than £100, a 20 min call to the solicitor is probably around £60, so keep focused, you don't want to come out of this with a debt so big you can no longer afford to buy the house or any other. And remember, when separating assets, it doesn't matter one iota if he was totally faithful pr slept with half a dozen of women

Hi Lou, am in a wet field in Tansley nr Matlock, but just checking in to see you're doing ok!

I am also cold, there are five of us in our little (minuscule) camper van, and it's freezing!! But I'm still thinking about you

Night all!!

I have a key to open my meter box...

And I started divorce as soon as I realised it was over and twunt would not come back. He didn't see the point in rushing into it, I no longer trusted him and wanted financial security.

But it is a horrible thing to go through and you need to be strong enough..

Morning Lou, I hope you have not been in the wide awake club for hours. It's raining where I am I hope the weather stays kind for the village BBQ if you manage to go.

I do think people will ask about Chunt but I found the more I talked about my own ex and what he had done the more I coud process in my head about my situation and what I wanted.

How are your cats today? I adore cats they just seem to know when their humans/staff are a bit down in the dumps and give extra lap snuggles as a comfort. I hope they had little fat tummies from the expensive food and hey I'm sure the shredded tissue got their attention too if yours are anything like mine.

Enjoy your day and continue to build your own new future, you are doing so well nobody ever said it would be easy, and you will have highs and lows. But one thing is certain you will get there and you will be happier.

As usual, math is on the spot. Also in total agreement with OldLady.

I offer you 150 kitty kisses from the shelter I was at today Lou.

I have to say I think all the advice given by all posters has been fair. However once given I think all posters should take a step back to let Lou consider it.

Personally I would have filed for divorce by now as others have suggested Lou do quickly. But Lou is not me or anyone else and will move forward at her own pace.

Different people take he the same post and may read different things into it. That does not mean anyone poster is right or wrong. Just that Lou gets a range of experiences and responses meaning something written will be of help to her.

Lou honey as I have said before your strength, dignity and courage is INSPIRING.

Hope you have a restful and relaxing weekend.

I would imagine that the sol will advise waiting to start divorce proceedings until Lou has made a decision about the pregnancy as this will greatly affect the financial settlements requested. It may be that if she decides to go ahead with the pregnancy that they have to wait until the baby is safely born before the final decree, otherwise how can the settlements be made for it's welfare?

Regarding the utilities, Lou took meter readings and went to see the company to advise them of the situation. They will let her know if Chunt stops paying so she can take over, but there is no point her doing that before she has too.

Hope you are feeling ok this morning Lou? I imagine you are waiting to see if Chunt got the letter & what his response will be? We are all here ready to dismember him his texts if required! Keep strong.

BabylonPI I will also no doubt be waking up in a wet field in a cramped campervan in a field in Abersoch tomorrow. Lou is the sensible one here in her lovely new bed linen all cosy!

Lou I hope the BBQ is ok and you manage to get through it. Every day is a huge step forward, keep strong.

I always thought you can divorce without the financial side being finalised?

As others have said starting divorce proceedings would give Lou control of the situation.

It is worth remembering that it`s for Lou to decide who is offering her "good advice", NOT the person doing the offering.

Lou, considering it is less than a month since your world was ripped apart so cruelly, then followed by shock after shock, you are doing amazingly well. How anyone else would react/feel in the same situation is not really relevant. You are dealing with things in the way that feels right for you, and should continue to do so.

I hope you can enjoy at least some of the weekend.

I think you have come a long way Lou. There is a lot father to go.

I think Porto is spot on. Yes he is liable for the mortgage but even going to court and having someone told to pay up doesn't make them do so.

I don't know how he can be liable for utilities in a place he no longer lives in, however if this goes to court Lou could find herself disconnected and landed with a shit load of reconnection fees before it gets sorted.

I think this is why Porto is saying don't sit and wait but to be proactive and protect herself.

A lot of Porto's messages have been defending what she said to other posters not banging on at Lou. If everyone didn't pull Porto up I doubt she would be repeating what she was trying to convey so many times. She is trying to help just like everyone else.

Morning all, thanks for your advice.

The 'sit back and wait' comment referred to the bank holiday weekend only,... that is all. And to be honest I need a couple of days 'off'. There has been so much going on over the last 3 weeks that I'm still absorbing it all. I am being as strong and proactive as I can, but I am finding I'm battling constant fatigue at the moment on top of everything else.

Re: not filing for divorce yet. I have 3 weeks to decide what to do about the pregnancy. This is my priority right now, not filing for divorce. If he gets in first then so be it, I'll be disappointed, but my health and my right to make a decision on the pregnancy is my main concern at the moment. Once that is decided, then I will proceed whichever I feel is best.

My jokes are not because I'm having a fun time at all, they're because sometimes this situation is so awful it is the ONLY way I can see through it. It's my coping mechanism.

Having a quiet day today, got to dye my hair (you can tell I've had a stressful 3 weeks, convinced I've gone about 40% grey!) and then do a bit of food shopping. BBQ tomorrow. Hope you all have a good weekend, I'll be back later no doubt.

hi Lou, well done you. Just keep on keeping on! x

Cool what colour are you planning on? I am about to go rinse off bubblegum blue, hot purple and violet.