I'm quite happy with a jar of Branstons

[LouP19]

Morning all.

Talking of Toast Toppers, he took 2 tins of that as well. Yes, really.

My pantry is now full of Heinz cheese ravioli and Tesco sausage and beans.

I think with Chunt's dad, it could be one of two things. Maybe he's a chutney thief like his son, so the use of "my grandchild" was him staking claim.

The other alternative is that he deliberately used "my grandhchild" rather than "your child" because he didn't want to sound like he was distancing himself from you based on what has happened.

If it were me, I would take it the positive way just because there's not enough context or tone in such a short text to determine otherwise, espeically since the rest of the text expressed appropriate sympathies).

HOWEVER, only you know him well enough to make that judgment call, lou, and only you know whether he's as bad as his son, or whether you might be just a teensy tiny bit and completely understandably transferring your feelings about your H onto his father.

Yes, I read that comment to mean that he is taking responsibility, and wants you to know you have his support, rather than as a sense of entitlement.

However, you know him, I don't, so you know the context of the text.

Could be either. Though if it is a benign "we will give you support" it's quite a useful wake-up call nonetheless. Highlights the fact that you could still be in touch with them, for years and years, very probably with them locked into the Chutneytwunt version of what happened.

If you want to reply, I would send something neutral and polite, "Thanks for your good wishes, my best to you as well."

'my grandchild' = it's all about me. i will 'attempt to reach you' making myself the centre of this sentence.

No empathy, nothing.

Lou, on reflection you are starting to think about all the things that were really wrong with him. You are so well rid, you really are..

Hey ho Lou, sounding stronger by the day, lady!

Wrt the FIL, the paternal grandparents (if this is how they are to be of course) are at a disadvantage in these situations so perhaps he's just trying to gently remind you that they are there and can fulfil that capacity. Or he could be holder of the cunt gene - it could go either way .

Also, and only to share my personal experience, I have found greater strength, purpose, ability and clarity as a single parent. Although it wasn't what I planned at all, it has truly been the making of me. I hope I don't offend when I know you're in the middle of decisions, but single parenthood can be absolutely brilliant! Take care m'dear. x

I think it's quite common when a partner reveals themself to be a complete arse for it to later emerge that at least some people outside of the relationship could see that there was something a bit off about that partner.

Anyway, his text - may I?

'It was a simple present for you and the cats, nothing more, nothing less. Why aren't you falling over with gratitude that I've given you back your own property? By the way, don't think you'll see those boxsets again. I have apologised repeatedly for what I have done If I say this enough times it will be true! I never meant to hurt you intentionally. I tripped over and was astonished to land with my penis in another woman. How was your scan? I've just remembered that any normal human being would have asked you about this first, so I'd better stick this on the end to make it look like I care.'

What a day again Lou!

With regards to his father's message,unless you feel he is distancing himself or staking a claim,I would take it in a positive context - that he is offering support & continued family contact should you choose it. When I read your post with that text only immediate thought was only that it was a kind sentiment to express that he felt you deserve to meet someone better than his son not hard who will be kind & loving & will look after you.

However,I maybe talking out of my bottom as I obviously have no idea whether he is like his awful offspring.

You do sound stronger & more grateful to be free of the twat every day.

I never meant to hurt you intentionally is a tautology. More importantly it just reveals what a massive selfcentred child he is who can take no responsibility. There is such a sense of him rapidly constructing his own narrative with himself as the wounded - yet noble and cat food gifting - victim.

Lou you deserve and will find someone so much better.

I agree with tuckingfits. To me that comes across as positive and supportive - and hence negative against Twunty. It is a lovely thing to say really, under the difficult cirmcumtances and sounds like he wants to bulld a bridge. As lissie says, this IS his grandchild he is talking about - of course he will have feelings on the subject.

I can't get over how fast the whole family has moved on. 2 weeks ago she was his son's wife. Now they wish her well in finding someone else. If he had died, they would not be saying this.

De-lurking to say how fab you are op.

With regard to the text from chutney-dad, do you think chutney put him up to this as a way of finding out your decision about the baby? In that you might reply positively or negatively (ie there is no/will not be any grandchild)? I hope not, and hope that the message was sent with kindness, but my thoughts are more towards what's behind the text, if you get me.

You are dealing with this all amazingly tho, keep doing what your doing x

Presumably they realise that even if their twatty son tries to crawl back,what he has done is so devastating to both sides of the family & particularly to Lou herself that there is no.way back. I imagine they are well aware that Lou deserves much better & recognise that she has been treated disgustingly by their son.

Posted too soon...

They have a daughter as well as their awful son. I'm sure they wouldn't encourage their daughter to go back to a man who treated her the way Lou has been treated. I think there is compassion from his parents in that text. Although I may just be projecting.

you are sooooo much better out of this
Not sure re inlaws it would have sounded better if he'd said our grandchild

Re: FIL's text it is very hard to interpet the intent without knowledge of the person. However he could equally be damned about choosing not to acknowledge the situation at all.

Taken on face value I would say he is trying to show you some support through this text - but as ever actions speak louder than words and to date the response from your PIL's has been at best underwhelming.

Having said that, they too are just coming to terms with what Chunty has done and may well be in shock at the turn of events.

As ever I would follow your gut on how to respond (assuming you do so at all). Your instincts to date and actions have been spot on.

bumbleymummy If you read my post properly, I didn't actually suggest to OP that she use my phrase about the wrong hole. That would not be relevant in the circumstances.

My point was that a few stock phrases would allow her to have a sense of control in a new environment.

And if I deem a stranger's personal question to be impolite then I would gladly reply on an equally impolite basis. They ask, I answer. Hopefully they will think twice before they ask again and they won't cause someone else unnecessary hurt for the sake of so-called "polite conversation".

I honestly think his dad is trying to show that no matter what they will think of LO as their grandchild.

I know it's hard with everything that's going on, but I think they are probably trying to reach out and show you that they do know what he's done is wrong.

That's the thing about men like The Chunt. They don't realise that they hurt not only their wives but their own parents and PIL.

Just to give you another perspective, I didn't have a father in my life until I was 18. My parents split before my DM knew she was pregnant and DF didn't know about me.

Things weren't always easy for DM as a single parent either financially or emotionally. But my childhood was secure and loving and I am truly grateful for my mother. I really believe the bond between an only child and a single parent is a special one and can be a really wonderful family unit.

As I have my own first dd growing inside me now,m I'm more and more starting to realise how lucky DM are to have each other. She calls me light of her life sometimes. She says until me she never really knew love (abusive childhood). But she is often the light in mine too.

Your strength and fortitude through this horrendous time leaves me in no doubt Lou that you have the capacity to be a wonderful mother like mine. Whether that's now or in the future, alone or with someone. And believe me, your little one and you will be much happier without an emotional abusive loser's aggression overshadowing your home.

I wonder how close you have been to Chutney-Boy's parents up to now Lou?

It is so difficult to hear what his father's sub text is from the few words he has sent you.

I always think the best of people at first, and I suspect that you do the same Lou. So I think what he is saying is that he hopes you will find happiness and love in the future, and that he will support both you and also his grandchild in this.

If you decide to continue your pregnancy to term, I think it would make things so much easier for you and your baby if you had the loving kind support of both families.

As a mother, surely you would be glad to have loving family support your child? I do so hope that this is what the grandfather is offering.

However, grandparents have few rights in law, and none that the mother cannot over ride, so you would always be in command.

This is yet another complexity to add to your already huge burden, as you head towards this life altering decision. My heart goes out to you Lou, because whatever you decide, you will need a great deal of courage, and so much strength.

Take care dear girl

Lou, just going back to your solicitors appointment, you say that he should be getting something on Saturday - are you able to say what it might refer to?

Regardless of whether you are happy to say so or not, I have to say that the timing is fab. If he gets a letter on Saturday, he can do jack-shit with it until Tuesday due to the bank hol. He will not be a happy bunny.

Be prepared to receive some texts for you to ignore!

With every post i read Lou you are sounding stronger and stronger.

I'm away camping in the rain again this weekend but will have my phone and some access to MN if there's 3G coverage

If you need anything, shout up

And do go to the village BBQ - they're always a good laugh - a bit like our well dressing festival! You get to see all manner of the old stuck up their own arses in all kinds of states

Loving the poetry and suggestions of what to do with the cat food/cat shit! :)

Lou, glad that you've had so much support here today (I've had no internet as we're doing DIY and rearranging rooms...oh god, the dust!), and that the Sol. has matters in hand.

Isn't it funny how when you look back at things that you thought were 'normal', in the light of chuntney's recent (mad) behaviour, you can see more and more of what he really was like.

I should just say that in every post I read from you, I hear your confidence, and your strength just growing and growing. All that, supported by a wonderful sense of humour and an extremely practical attitude. Keep taking just one day at a time, and I'm sure that all the decisions you're currently agonising over will become easier with each hour that passes.

Sorry - I realised that sounded quite patronising. I certainly didn't mean it to - am just rather 'doped up' on sleep deprivation and painkillers today.
I'm hoping to be back tomorrow, to see how things are with you. If you can get to the BBQ it sounds as though it would be good, just to have a change of scenery if nothing else.

Don't forget the FIL has TWO grandchildren at the bakery. Call me a grumpy old gimmer, but I completely share Lou's misgivings about the text. It has filled me with horrid thoughts of the PIL orchestrating little tea parties, with both DC present (plus any others Chutney's managed to engender in the meantime), creating their own fantasy of themselves at the core of a new generation of happy little narcs, perfect grandparents holding it all together while their poor gifted son seeks the Right Woman. Such a shame Lou wasn't right after all: a lovely woman but, you know, she wasn't really bright enough for him and she had, well, confidence issues.

Shudder.

My evidence? "he hopes I find someone who 'loves you and my grandchild'."
He's already written her off. Find someone your level, my dear.
He's assuming birth of child.
He's assuming part ownership of child ...
While wanting Lou to find an adequate replacement to take care of it for them.

A genuinely concerned message would have been more along the lines of "We're devastated for you. So many difficult things to resolve. Just wanted to let you know we're thinking of you; let us know if there's any practical help we can offer. Good luck with [optional moral preference] your pregnancy."

You would not just dash off a quick text to your abandoned, pregnant daughter-in-law. You'd think pretty carefully about what to write. Tbh, you'd only get it wrong if you were an emotionally dysfunctional crackpot.

Isn't it funny how when you look back at things that you thought were 'normal', in the light of chuntney's recent (mad) behaviour, you can see more and more of what he really was like

YY.

I actually think the text was a very clumsy way of acknowledging what you are going through at the hands of his son. Either way, don't read too much into it, their feelings are bottom of your list right now.