I'm quite happy with a jar of Branstons

[LouP19]

Morning all.

Talking of Toast Toppers, he took 2 tins of that as well. Yes, really.

My pantry is now full of Heinz cheese ravioli and Tesco sausage and beans.

Lou - delurking again to say I think you're amazing

My ex, who similarly stripped the house of random belongings and displayed some very odd behaviour when we separated, places a high value on stuff that he owns - and DD is an extension of that stuff in his mind - as are all his relationships, friends, family members etc.

If your ex has the same obsession with belongings and ownership, then you may want to consider that possibility

It's so transparent now, but I hadn't got a clue then. I just wondered why he was grumpy all the time! And it only happened in the last few weeks, I guess when he realised the OW was keeping the baby. Up until then he was nice as flipping pie and I had no idea. This breaks my heart, the amount of times I trusted him when he went away,....

Anyway, I know it's not relevant now, but the level of cunning is really quite scary.

"Up until then he was nice as flipping pie!"

PLEASE call your next thread this Lou, PLEASE?

slambang .... I think you have called it right.

Dignified response = what lou has done, ie no response, give food to cats or silently chuck out. It all makes sense in his mind, which is the worry really.

In the same way, his transparent lies in the emails are probably justified in his mind because of the John Terry incident ('you would never forgive me',and other weird projections)

Does anyone else think this is along the lines of classic narcissist behaviour?

From the charming to the ridiculous, it just reminds me so much of my XP and how they do things that go from one end of the scale to the other.

Lou, it might be worth you reading up (just google for a page on it) to see if you recognise more signs. If it's a yes, it'll arm you with a sense of understanding, so that he cannot shock you with words or actions.

Happy to be wrong (and hope I am in honesty). You're doing so well to stay strong and manage this, but you deserve so much better.

Lou you trusted him because you are a good person and he was your DH. You are getting to know you are not dealing with a good or normal person now, and that will take time to process. You are right, his level of cunning is breathtaking, nothing in Chutneyworld is too much trouble for himself. So much energy going into him, no wonder you spent so much time when you were together wondering WTF his problem was. The problem, you now know, was HIM.

You are doing wonderfully, he is so not worthy of you.

It's hard though when you are in middle of all this and don't have full facts - also going over this (providing you don't obsess) helps clarify it so is helpful I think.

None of this bodes well for ow as he is definitely not totally committed but no shock there as himself and chutney seem to be main concerns.

None of this reflects on you- you are handling this do well Lou.

He sent you expensive cat food to feed your beloved cats?

Did he think you were starving them?

Did he think you'd fall at his feet in gratitude?

I mean, never mind the fact that I've behaved despicably, have some naice cat food Lou, that'll make it all better...

Jeez Louise, he's really scraping the barrel to convince you of his wonderfulness.......

I've looked up narcissism and he certainly ticks a lot of the boxes.

He had so many comments he would use when we argued that always transferred the blame onto me and made me feel like a 5 year old. I used to read books and stuff on the internet about how to deal with conflict successfully (you know, listening, nodding, acknowledging someone's view when it's different to your own) - ALL that I did, and it still felt like banging my head against a brick wall because it was always about him. I knew this, but lived in denial, and hoped one day the 'Empathy Fairy' would cast a spell on him and he'd change.

Another thing that rings true with narcissists is he always made a very very good first impression. Even I can't deny that. He is charming, very friendly and very sociable. Whereas I'm a bit shy and awkward, so initially I really envied his confidence (and was very attracted to it). But over the years I've always thought that his manner was more about people adoring him than anything else,....

I'm chuntering, sorry! I like the sound of the new title thread already by the way!

God, some people are absolute idiots aren't they?

Lou I just wanted to say something to you because I get the feeling you think you wouldn't be able to cope with a baby on your own.

Motherhood hs been one of the singularly redefining moments of my life. It has given me strength, resilience and focus that I never had before. Things you thiught you couldn't do you manage because you have to. Becoming a mother is an incredibly affirming experience and you should not let self doubt be the reason that stops you. We all find incredible new depths and you CAN do it because you will have this incredible bond and love for your child that makes things happen.

Chutney has taken so much from you, don't let him take this from you too.I hope you don't mind me saying aall that, I speak as fervently pro-choice x

Thanks OhDearNigel

Do you mind me asking how he treated you in public Lou?

I was married to a narc, I now realise, and one comment that shocked me with its perception when we split was from the very quiet husband of a friends who said "I'm not surprised, he always treated her like she was stupid and tried to make her look it, when she is clearly not".

I thought no one ever thought that but me, but the mask does occasionally slip. I think the fact people are being so very kind to you shows that maybe he isn't as charming as you think.

Also, gift wrapped cat food. Good lord.

Lou, how did your arguments or disagreements go? Did he ever hear you, care how you felt, acknowledge your thoughts/feelings and make moves to meet you half way, even if that meant taking on board some unflattering input?

Or did everything become a bit of a power struggle, him twisting things round and blaming you for causing the problems? Were you a problem because you were so emotional/crazy whilst he was the calm, rational one? (after he had frustrated you by refusing to hear anything then blaming you for upset).

Did what he say/want go?

I would agree with lilachair- I think it's easier to spot narc traits when you aren't intimately involved with them.

Glad you like it Lou, and you went with my last one too!

They are from things you have said in all seriousness - "Personally I'm quite happy with a jar of Branston's"....

and "Up until then he was nice as flipping pie!"

Both of these are your 'voice', which is wonderful and which we have all grown to love.

That swallowing thing (boak) was someone else's voice - and was funny -but wasn't as good-

but wasn't as good

delurking to applaud ohdearnigel's lovely post...

I so love the concept of the 'Empathy Fairy'! :) Many people hope she is going to visit their partner/friend/mum/whoever one day. It doesn't happen.

Also recognise that urge to read conflict resolution and similar books ('managing difficult people' etc)?.and wondering why those techniques don't work with this particular person??

....So you weren't chuntering at all Lou. What you said made complete sense to me

The only danger is that a twunt of epic proportions can be an absolute arse when it comes to his 'rights' re dc. Not because he has an overwhelming desire to be a good father but because it's about him, him and a bit more about him, creating some fantasy in his head about blended families. If this chimes any with LouP's twunty ex, she needs to be prepared for it.

ohdearnigel you articulated what I was thinking and didnt know how to say without sounding pushy. I totally agree.

Have no opinion either way about LouP's decision, but just don't assume Chutney'll obligingly disappear off into the sunset

Hi Lou, I've been without Internet for a few days and have been hoping you're doing ok. Gift wrapped cat food is priceless, and yes, definitely a ploy to 'drop by' your house. Glad the GP and solicitor have both been good :)

Ahem. Before making too many assumptions about how Chuntney may respond to having children, please read this.

With regard to your friend who gave you such a glowing report of single parenthood I think it's harder in life to regret the things you do. In other words, you're unlikely, in the long run, to regret having a child. You could certainly regret who his/her father is (no shit!), but not the child itself. In the short-term, of course, it would make your life more complicated, but to make your decision I think you have to try and look into the future and think how you'll feel five or ten years from now, when all this hurt and pain and confusion is a distant memory. It's a shame that you have to make this huge decision now, when you're reeling from your ex's monstrous betrayal, because you really need a clear head. I hope counselling will help you to achieve that.