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Original poster

Do most married men tell the same stories to the OW?

321 replies

Ormiriathomimus · 20/08/2012 14:33

I am still in the stage of obsessively googling and reading about affairs since the discovery of DH's affair. It will pass but at the moment it's like peeling a scab Grin Painful but satisfying.

I have found some OW forums - and once i managed to stop frothing at the mouth at some of the things I read, I realised that most of them had been told 'my wife doesn't understand me/want sex/love me/ talk to me' etc etc and 'I'm only staying because I don't want to hurt her/hurt my kids' blah blah de blah! And what is more so many of the posters appeared to have swallowed the stories hook, line and sinker.

This has the knock on effect of making the OW angry and frustrated when the man chooses to go back to/not leave his wife - why would he when shes so fat/stupid/bad-tempered etc and I'm so much better?

Are there really so many unsatisfactory, hopeless marriages out there and awful wives? IME there aren't. There are marriages (most of them) that aren't perfect, but most of them have very happy times too. I only know of one without any saving graces (and she's scared to leave).

In which case why do so many OW fall for it?

OP posts:
mysteriouslady · 22/08/2012 13:36

And actually I have seen it the other way around as well, a woman being dismissed as "demanding".

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/08/2012 13:39

Olive... I posted about this on another thread. I worked in France for quite a while and found this to be quite usual too, although as you say, much more discreet.

I've always said that there are more affairs taking place than are ever discovered and, if a couple are sufficiently motivated (by what they could lose) to keep their affair secret, they will ensure that 'the script' and 'the signs' are just not there. I think some of the posts on this subject border on lunacy - to the detriment of many.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 22/08/2012 13:40

"Its not as simple as talking about it when you are dealing with someone who doesnt want to (talk), doesnt see what the issue is, it takes 2 to want to resolve any problem"

yes, but its the communication which is the problem there
a gap in sex doesn't have to cause a huge problem if you both work on the communication and other emotional aspect - not saying its easy

But the one not wanting sex isn't always the one causing the root problem that results in the other partner not feeling intimate

Fairenuff · 22/08/2012 13:41

Yes, the sex can go in a relationship for any number of reasons. It's up to the couple to decide how they are going to cope with that but if they can't talk about it that's makes it impossible. Often incompatibility cannot be resolved because there can be no compromise over sex.

But if that was your relationship, would you cheat or would you separate?

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 22/08/2012 13:41

Lunacy?

Cheers for that ...... Sad

OP posts:
mysteriouslady · 22/08/2012 13:42

if you both work on the communication

I absolutely agree, but both parties have to want to, and thats often the problem, they dont, and that doesnt have to be about sex, it can be about anything that is causing a difficulty.

OneMoreChap · 22/08/2012 13:43

LackingNameChangeInspiration Wed 22-Aug-12 13:40:26
But the one not wanting sex isn't always the one causing the root problem that results in the other partner not feeling intimate

How refreshing.
By that I take it you mean
"But the one not wanting sex is sometimes the one causing the root problem that results in the other partner not feeling intimate"

I think I said that.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 22/08/2012 13:45

yes of course it can be either or BOTH OMC

that doesn't mean that citing "we don't have sex any more" as a reason to cheat or overlap is ever a sign of a decent man IMO. By citing it at all its making out like its a reason not a result

Fairenuff · 22/08/2012 13:51

Possibly they say they're not having sex with their wife so that the OW thinks she's not sharing him at the same time which is not everyone's cup of tea.

OneMoreChap · 22/08/2012 13:54

LackingNameChangeInspiration Wed 22-Aug-12 13:45:35
that doesn't mean that citing "we don't have sex any more" as a reason to cheat or overlap is ever a sign of a decent man IMO. and I'd agree with that.

Just need you to point out where I said that... I said I was unhappy. That's not the same thing at all.

countingto10 · 22/08/2012 13:54

My DH told OW that we were regularly having sex Hmm - maybe in her case, he presented a challenge (although not much of one as it turned out) ie how can I get a man who obviously has a reasonable (if not good) marriage to fall for me. For some ow, it is all about the competition (DH's ow wanted my life and I can now see she was quite a damaged individual herself).

OliveandJim · 22/08/2012 13:56

What about they say they're not having sex because it's true! Why would thta make a man less interesting or attractive?

Fairenuff, doubt things will change in France. It's seen as normal because it happens everywhere all the time. Only prude societies behave as if it isn't the case....

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 22/08/2012 13:58

"For some ow, it is all about the competition"
yes I think so, I went to uni with someone who was having a long term affair with a man in a relationship
she BOUNCED into uni one day with a massive grin an declared that her sister had seen the partner and she was fat and ugly. She was DELIGHTED! one point to her Hmm
(he never did leave the partner, the affair went on for about 3 years) OW seemed to like being the "sexy one"

OneMoreChap · 22/08/2012 14:00

Ormiriathomimus Wed 22-Aug-12 13:41:12
Lunacy?

I've seen none from you. A hurt woman who doesn't understand what her husband did and why. Someone who asked why OW believed the lies they were told.

I'm sorry if I have derailed your thread. I was trying to say why some men - me - cheated, and what they said to OW.

Ormiriathomimus Wed 22-Aug-12 12:31:10
"I felt unloved, unattractive and sordid" is more or less how you feel when you find your spouse, that you love and care for, is having an affair

I'm sure my XW felt like that when she discovered I had had an affair. Sadly, my feeling like that was partly the reason I had an affair. It was after that I ealised I should leave.

FWIW OMC - I can see why you did what you did and I sympathise with the dilemma. But I don't think most people are married to such selfish people as your ex-w. Thank goodness.

I really wish you all the best on your future however you decide to move on. You don't sound at all like my XW, and I'm sure your husband isn't as dreadful as I was.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 22/08/2012 14:01

"What about they say they're not having sex because it's true! Why would thta make a man less interesting or attractive?"

they're still undesirable because they are overlappers, why would you want to be with someone like that? I can't be doin with someone who can't cope with a bit of their own company in between partners!

and if they're not, and it's true, then why are they not? why cite "not having sex" unless you think its a CAUSE of problems not a symptom (so not a very emotionally intelligent man) or is it because of a reason that he should be sympathetic and patient about if he was a decent person, like recent babies etc?

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 22/08/2012 14:04

either way you're dredging the bottom if you hear that sort of thing and think that's the best offer you can get

I don't understand why it works on women, its such a turn-off IMO

OneMoreChap · 22/08/2012 14:07

LackingNameChangeInspiration Wed 22-Aug-12 14:01:47
and if they're not, and it's true, then why are they not? why cite "not having sex" unless you think its a CAUSE of problems not a symptom (so not a very emotionally intelligent man) or is it because of a reason that he should be sympathetic and patient about if he was a decent person, like recent babies etc?

What if their partner is a using abusive bitch? How sympathetic & patient about it should you be?

When exactly do you start to think "Ooh, perhaps it isn't the man's fault?"
I've not heard you suggest one point where it might be the woman...

I don't defend affairs in general, nor mine in particular. However, it's asinine to always ascribe 100% of the blame to the one who has an affair. But then...

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 22/08/2012 14:11

oh god you are tiresome OMC, I've said more than once that many "overlappers" are women, why do you KEEP trying to play the man/woman card on me! women do it too. I think its just as unpleasant a trait in either sex That's the last time I'm going to say that because its boring me now!

and whatever or whoever the cause of the relationship going sour, there is always a choice, leave by yourself or overlap, you can never claim the higher moral ground if you choose the latter, and I really don't see why anyone takes up the offer of being the get-out-to-partner, its such an unattractive offer! but I know loads do

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 22/08/2012 14:13

it is ALWAYS the cheater's fault for cheating, regardless of who is responsible for the cheated on relationship going sour (that's often a bit of both)

there is no good reason for cheating/overlapping instead of finishing one properly before even thinking of embarking on another, the person who does that cannot blame that on anyone but themselves and the OW/OM

Fairenuff · 22/08/2012 14:15

Fairenuff, doubt things will change in France. It's seen as normal because it happens everywhere all the time. Only prude societies behave as if it isn't the case....

I don't think anyone on this thread thinks it doesn't happen Olive or behaves as if it doesn't but it seems a strange 'norm' to say, most married people will want to have an affair and most of them will but they will be very discreet about it because they don't want to upset their partner.

It doesn't make sense. If it's the norm, then surely everyone knows that their partner will most likely cheat? So why try to hide it? Confused

Orm I think the 'lunacy' might be aimed at me, because I have a vastly different opinion Hmm

OneMoreChap · 22/08/2012 14:16

LackingNameChangeInspiration Wed 22-Aug-12 14:11:16
oh god you are tiresome OMC

Yes, I can see that being picked up all the time would be tiresome.

I've said more than once that many "overlappers" are women, why do you KEEP trying to play the man/woman card on me!

LackingNameChangeInspiration Wed 22-Aug-12 14:01:47
so not a very emotionally intelligent man) or is it because of a reason that he should be sympathetic and patient about if he was a decent person

BunniBoiler · 22/08/2012 14:16

Most of you have said affairs are wrong, should separate before embarking on a new relationship.

SOMETIMES you dont know what is misssing in your life, feeling wise until you meet a woman/man who sweeps you off your feet and you realise hmmm something is missing in your life.

SOMETIMES if things are not working and you meet such a person, it is easier to leave your marriage. Because that other person provides support (emotional support).

Humans need reassurance. OW/OM provide it sometimes. Its not ideal but if it happens the marriage should be dissolved and individuals should move on.

I dont agree with affairs but people need to get a grip.

And I probably would annoy most people when i say that affairs happen when one of the parties is not attentive to the other. There may have been some conselling done to resolve it but it requires active changes in the couple.

Yes, MAYBE the other person should have been more thoughful, dressed up, put make up and have date nights. You cant just blame one person for straying.

Although there are some dicks who screw around regardless. Its in their gene!

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 22/08/2012 14:18

OMC, it may be your exW's fault that your marriage was going shite and was going to end

but it is YOUR fault for cheating, that was your choice, your decision, your wife didn't MAKE you. Nobody did, you chose to go down that road, it was a choice.

Your marriage may have had to end somehow, but it didn't have to end like that!

Fairenuff · 22/08/2012 14:22

OMC the OP is Do most married men tell the same stories to the OW? so I think that is why we are mainly talking about married men. Of course we are all agreed that women cheat too.

Is there anyone on this thread who thinks cheating is ok?

I don't think anyone has actually said that it is (apart from Chicka maybe but she did say she was wracked with guilt).

Lots of people have given reasons as to why it happens but no-one has said that they think it is ok to cheat on a partner have they?

OneMoreChap · 22/08/2012 14:23

LackingNameChangeInspiration Wed 22-Aug-12 14:18:17

but it is YOUR fault for cheating, that was your choice, your decision, your wife didn't MAKE you. Nobody did, you chose to go down that road, it was a choice.
Of course it was. Where have I suggested anything else?

Your marriage may have had to end somehow, but it didn't have to end like that!

Actually, my marriage ended when I told her I was leaving her, packed an overnight bag and said I'd collect my stuff the following week. I rang her brother, her best friend and one of our joint friends and said I was leaving and walked out. I'd ensured she had child care sorted (she was on a week off), and I said I'd pay for the house until we sorted things out between us.

Later she found out that I had had an affair. Later still, after I was living in the flat, the woman with whom I had an affair came to move in with me.