Do most married men tell the same stories to the OW?

[Ormiriathomimus]

I am still in the stage of obsessively googling and reading about affairs since the discovery of DH's affair. It will pass but at the moment it's like peeling a scab Painful but satisfying.

I have found some OW forums - and once i managed to stop frothing at the mouth at some of the things I read, I realised that most of them had been told 'my wife doesn't understand me/want sex/love me/ talk to me' etc etc and 'I'm only staying because I don't want to hurt her/hurt my kids' blah blah de blah! And what is more so many of the posters appeared to have swallowed the stories hook, line and sinker.

This has the knock on effect of making the OW angry and frustrated when the man chooses to go back to/not leave his wife - why would he when shes so fat/stupid/bad-tempered etc and I'm so much better?

Are there really so many unsatisfactory, hopeless marriages out there and awful wives? IME there aren't. There are marriages (most of them) that aren't perfect, but most of them have very happy times too. I only know of one without any saving graces (and she's scared to leave).

In which case why do so many OW fall for it?

its hard to have sex with someone you don't like!

if she was such an ogre then why did you even want to have sex with her?

LackingNameChangeInspiration Wed 22-Aug-12 12:32:41
Fairenuff where does it say she was abusive?

I'm not sure exactly, but OMC says she was and although it's only his side of the story, it is of course entirely possible.

But this thread isn't about OMC's relationship it's about why do people cheat, or more specifically, why do women believe lies that 'happily' married men tell them. I think that's right isn't OP?

I don't think getting personal is helpful to the OP who is trying to come to terms with her dh's (recent?) affair. Each person's story will be different and will be their view only, not their partners.

It is an interesting debate though.

People really can't read.

LackingNameChangeInspiration Wed 22-Aug-12 12:46:10
"we're still intimate but intimate doesnt always = sex"

OneMoreChap Wed 22-Aug-12 10:37:33
And no, it's not about sex; it's about intimacy, cuddles, respect and enjoying things together.

Its a really interesting discussion, I think.

DH loved his ex wife, in fact I think, the worse she treated him, the more he loved her, he didnt like her very much though.

He took whatever scraps of affection she showed him, and that included rare bouts of sex (it must have been rare, he can pin point to the day when his last 2 DCs were conceived).

DH has never bad mouthed his ex, he has been factual and her behaviour over the years has spoken for itself. Funny thing was she was livid when he actually left her and filed for divorce despite 2 years of OM and telling him to get out.

She tells everyone he left her for another woman and stole all their money and it is absolute bollox.

that was a reply to mysteriouslady OMC
physical intimacy comes from emotional closeness and LIKING each other

No physical intimacy doesn't have to equal sex - but think the importance of sex can be underplayed.

with overlappers the story is always the same, ex was mean, new partner was different... until it ends with new partner years later and they overlap again, suddently then overlap partner no1 is just as awful as 1st ex was, and new overlap partner shows them the light and a way out and how to be loved.. yawn!

"No physical intimacy doesn't have to equal sex - but think the importance of sex can be underplayed"

yes but as a symptom not a root cause! its never a root cause!

I mean if you're not having sex, then why? do you have children waking at night, fear from childbirth, pain from childbirth, or do you not actually like each other and are you not actually kind to each other

the lack of sex doesn't cause relationship problems, but can be as a RESULT of repationship problems. It doesn't come first. Its not a reason in itself for a relationshp breakdown

But OP is talking about relationships where there is a satisfactory sex life and both people are seemingly happy. Then, out of the blue, one of them discovers that the other cheated on them.

the OP is about "standard lines" that get trotted out by cheaters
like "no sex life"
as if that's a reason in itself (if it were even true)
for some reaon OW/OM don't see red flags and wonder WHY there is no sex, if indeed its even true

I don't know, I have been on many a thread where people have said they have gone 2 or more years without sex, because they have had DCs, are too tired, DCs are exhausting, difficult birth, one or 2 threads (I have stopped reading threads like it now because opposing views are never welcome and I have been shot down in flames for posting that sex is important in a relationship) where the husband has broached the subject, he has been subjected to some vile opinions on "pushing" for sex (clearly he isn't on the thread).

I understand all of the above, and being exhausted, and how sex can be the last thing on your mind, but I would never go 2 years without sex, no matter what the reasons, unless physically unable, its a very important part of marriage for me, it brings a closeness nothing else can and it is what makes a marriage different from a friendship (in my eyes only).

But I am a very tactile person.

Then if there are difficulties in even talking about sex, or lack of, then thats when relationship problems start. Prolonged lack of intimacy can lead to fear of intimacy, etc. If you can talk then generally things improve, but if there is defensiveness rather than openess, problems get worse.

This is only one very specific set of circumstances, I dont mean all marriages break down because of this.

lacking so I guess I am saying, it can be as a result of relationship problems, or just as a result of day to day living with small children, and then causes relationship problems.

Sorry, I'm slightly changing the current topic of conversation as I'd like to share some thoughts with OP. I'm French and in my home country having affaires is absolutely normal (even Stephen Fry agrees in the "the Divorce"). it is best not talked about but men and women in a marriage (with or witohut love) will look for a "soul sister/ brother" or passion outside their marriage. I'm not saying this is good, all I'm saying is that it is the norm, it is expected/ accepted by society. My own dad had several long lasting affairs, my 2 sisters and I suffered horribly from it. He actually got me my first summer job working for his mistress but that's another topic. His mistress were never good looking, my mum was the pretty one, but he could talk to them as they were clever (which my mum isn't).
My older sister moved to Brazil where at around 40 men divorce their wives and take on a younger model, this is also across all of Brazilian society.
Someone on here mentioned that marriage is not what it used to be but I disagree, in the past century you had more poeple married to poeple they didn't love than today. Love was seldom the reason for marriage. People would get "love" usually outside their marriage. This is nothing new. If anything, in the first world today people are getting hitched for love more so than ever before. What people fail to accept is that we're not constant being we evolve all the time. It is not because you get on with someone at 25 that at 40 you'll enjoy talking to them or will still be attracted to them. Also, it is not beucase at 45 you see another woman that at 50 you won't want to find love with your original love.

"lacking so I guess I am saying, it can be as a result of relationship problems, or just as a result of day to day living with small children, and then causes relationship problems."

but if the underlying emotinal relationship is good you can communicate that you do still fancy each other during those times

and if the underlying emotional relationship is good you can then have the other tactile things like holding hands and cuddling etc that help you get back on track sex wise when the children are sleeping well or you have a night away etc because you're starting from zero

the tactile non full sex stuff also needs a good underlying emotional relationship, if you have that then you have the communication and the other intimacy that bridges gaps in sex

Olive if it's 'the norm' and acceptable in a relationship then that's ok. It's the cheating that we are discussing here, where one person does not know that the other is looking for something outside of their relationship and would be devastated if they did know.

Lacking

for some reaon OW/OM don't see red flags and wonder WHY there is no sex, if indeed its even true

Quite. And why is this? Possibly because they are also only thinking of their own needs, wants, etc. Two very selfish people coming together for their own individual benefit?

but from a selfish point of view, why would an OW want to get involved with someone who either doesn't take any responsiblity for having such a crap quality relationship that sex becomes a symptom of that and things one should have satisfying sex even if they're not getting a good emotional side too
or
who doesn't make any allowances for pysical pain/exhaustion/illness/brestfeeding etc

for me the red flag wouldn't be just about the wife, it'ld also be about the man's "form"

I just don't see how a woman could see a man as a quality potential partner if they cite "no sex" as a root cause

(I know that doesn't count for one night stand/sex only cheating, I'm thinking more in terms of OW relationships and overlaps etc)

Fairenuff, the other one would be devasted if they found out in France too. As I mentioned, it is kept quiet and people are discreet about their affaires in order to limit the damage they'd do to the other party if they found out. It hurts everyone to be cheated on. Even in a latin society where most men and women for that part have affairs.

Bloody hell... what a lot of smuggery and cliche on this thread. I don't believe some of you have any idea what you're talking about - maybe you will sometime though, eh? Never say never, not when there are TWO people in a relationship.

OneMoreChap... I've read your posts, I know where you're coming from. I'm glad you're happy now.

I just think it is very complicated, a lot of overlap affairs start out as friendships, the feelings develop before the sexual relationship.

I can't see how ANY of the possible truths behind "we don't have sex" can make a man desirable!

1. its not true
2. Its for a genuine reason like physical damage etc
3. he doesn't see sex as a symptom of other problems which he is part of!

Olive hopefully over time things will change. I wonder what makes it so different, just culture?

It's strange that something so damaging is absolutely normal

Sex can be a very taboo subject for many, men are dismissed when they desire sex and their partner doesnt.

Its not as simple as talking about it when you are dealing with someone who doesnt want to (talk), doesnt see what the issue is, it takes 2 to want to resolve any problem.