Do most married men tell the same stories to the OW?

[Ormiriathomimus]

I am still in the stage of obsessively googling and reading about affairs since the discovery of DH's affair. It will pass but at the moment it's like peeling a scab Painful but satisfying.

I have found some OW forums - and once i managed to stop frothing at the mouth at some of the things I read, I realised that most of them had been told 'my wife doesn't understand me/want sex/love me/ talk to me' etc etc and 'I'm only staying because I don't want to hurt her/hurt my kids' blah blah de blah! And what is more so many of the posters appeared to have swallowed the stories hook, line and sinker.

This has the knock on effect of making the OW angry and frustrated when the man chooses to go back to/not leave his wife - why would he when shes so fat/stupid/bad-tempered etc and I'm so much better?

Are there really so many unsatisfactory, hopeless marriages out there and awful wives? IME there aren't. There are marriages (most of them) that aren't perfect, but most of them have very happy times too. I only know of one without any saving graces (and she's scared to leave).

In which case why do so many OW fall for it?

"LackingNameChangeInspiration Wed 22-Aug-12 14:01:47
so not a very emotionally intelligent man) or is it because of a reason that he should be sympathetic and patient about if he was a decent person"

OMC don't you understand context? why don't you just cut out individual WORDS I use and stick them together to say "men are bad, women are good", do so if it helps you!

I can only think of the angle of being the OM/OW in terms of OW, because that is all I have the potential to be, as such I can't imagine why an OW would see a man saying those things as attractive!
There is no point in my TRYING to consider what I might see in a woman who is looking to cheat, as I don't fancy any kind of women
Also yes some lesbian partners do have a partner who has had birth trauma, but it is mostly something that a MAN's needs to be sympathetic and patient about.
Not that men can't have injuries and trauma that might affect their sex lifes, but its most frequently WOMEN who have them and men that need to be sympathetic to them

did you nit-pick at your wife this much?

Probably they tell them that because:

1. it's true
2. it's partly true
3. it brings out sympathy in the OW
4. They think the OW will feel less of a slut if she thinks the marriage is dead anyway.
5. They feel it's expected of them
6. They can't think of anything else to say
7. It fills in the hours while waiitng to check into the hotel.

Who the fuck cares?

I can see why they trot it out

I just cant see why anyone hears it and thinks "yeah he's a catch"

And I probably would annoy most people when i say that affairs happen when one of the parties is not attentive to the other. There may have been some conselling done to resolve it but it requires active changes in the couple.

bunni My 'D'H said that he felt that we both gave too much attention to our DD (who was 5 at most when his affair started)

My understanding was that we both agreed that as a small child DD needed attention and I never ignored my H - he just became more distant and less affectionate as his affair got deeper - he never spoke to me about being unhappy or feeling as though he didn't get enough attention

The OW 'gave him butterflies' he said when the affair was discovered .. the butterflies flew off within months of me kicking him out and he was begging me to take him back .. which is all a shame because all that heartache has been for nothing

OR SHE for OneMoreChap

(the rest of you are probably intelligent enough to see why as a straight woman I am thinking about men if I am to be "the other

Who the fuck cares?

I think the OP does nkf as she started a thread about it to try and come to terms with her dh cheating on her.

Orm if you don't mind me asking, when did you find out about the affair? Ignore me if you don't want to talk about it,

Fairenuff Wed 22-Aug-12 14:22:50
OMC the OP is Do most married men tell the same stories to the OW? so I think that is why we are mainly talking about married men. Of course we are all agreed that women cheat too. Which is why I said what I'd said to OW. AFAICS I am the only man on the thread who can say what he said...

Lots of people have given reasons as to why it happens but no-one has said that they think it is ok to cheat on a partner have they?
No, I don't think it's right, either. The difference is that lots of not-right things happen, and everyone has to deal with the consequences of that fall out.

Would I have left XW if I'd not had an affair? Probably not. I'd have ended up drinking a lot more, maybe taken up staying out at the golf course (or whatever sad lonely middleaged men do). I might have self-harmed. Who knows.

I don't know if my XW is happier now; I hope so, but I don't particularly care. I'm much happier now; I still see my kids and managed to see them all the way through their childhood and young adulthood despite their mum's efforts.

I shouldn't have had an affair, I'm happy to grant; I'm pleased I did, and I'm pleased I am out of a loveless marriage.

Orm, No, I didn't aim 'lunacy' at you, not at all.

It's not really aimed at anybody on this thread it's just a general tide of really hackneyed 'observations' and the associated 'rage' that irritate me. Some posters (not specifically on this thread) just seem to take a concept and run with it, shouting down different viewpoints out of anger or just from being blinkered to anything but the tried and tested line. Those shouted down may well have been on the 'other side' - or even 'both sides' and could perhaps give a different perspective, which may be useful even.

Yes, it is always the cheater's 'fault' for having an affair, for not ending their relationship first - but it doesn't absolve the other partner of responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship.

I'm inclined to agree with BunniBoiler's post.

Kirsty It is well recognised mums pay more attention to the children when they are small. That is why in certain countries like turkey, the mum makes sure there are nanny around to look after the children so they can pay a lot of attention to their husbands. That is why you dont hear much of affairs in turkey. (Im turkish!!)

I know people care. I wasn't being entirely serious. It's just so much attentios is paid to this and why did he do it etc? When really, the wife needs to think, "How do I feel and what do I want to do about it?" It's all poring over his motives. And chances are there was no hidden reason. He just felt like it and could and all the other reasons about the bad marriage came later. Or, it's also possible that he is one of the main reasons the marriage is bad. There's usually a reason why a woman doesn't to have sex with her children.

Sorry. Weirdly conflated two sentences. Have sex with her husband.

I suppose, the main reason why they say it must be because it WORKS! - can't get my head around why though? its prob one of the most unsexy thing anyone could say to me! (not as unsexy as "panties" though, that's no1)

But that implies that men are pathetic needy creatures who can't cope with not being the centre of attention all the time even when the circumstances of their lives change dramatically. I don't want to be married to a man like that. I want a grown-up.

This wasn't meant to be about my situation btw - it was just something that struck me when I was looking around on t'internet recently. I honestly thought that the old 'my wife doesn't understand me' line was the stuff of old-school comics and carry on films!

Sorry that last reply was to bunni

My understanding was that we both agreed that as a small child DD needed attention and I never ignored my H - he just became more distant and less affectionate as his affair got deeper - he never spoke to me about being unhappy or feeling as though he didn't get enough attention

I think this is sort of thing that OP is talking about.

That is why in certain countries like turkey, the mum makes sure there are nanny around to look after the children so they can pay a lot of attention to their husbands

Not everyone can afford a nanny. I'm not sure if I would want to be with a man who begrudged me giving attention to his child though. My dh did his share of childcare when they were little and I never begrudged the attention he gave them. In fact, I was more than happy to share the night feeds.

Bunni The point I'm making is we both agreed that DD needed the attention .. I was stunned that 'D'H complained of her getting more attention than him - he was a self sufficient adult and she was a small child who needed care .. and this complaint was only made after the affair was discovered

I think that men tell the OWs that they don't have sex with their wives so get sympathy but also to indicate that the relationship with the wife is dead in the water as nkf said (again that wasn't the case for us)

"But that implies that men are pathetic needy creatures who can't cope with not being the centre of attention all the time even when the circumstances of their lives change dramatically. I don't want to be married to a man like that. I want a grown-up."

that's exactly it, the OW who hear these lines and still START a relationship with these men, know going into it that this is the kinda bloke they are, and still choose to do it

its a sexy trait apparently!

I've never heard the 'my wife doesn't understand me' line. On the flip side, were I to be having an affair myself, I wouldn't utter the 'my husband doesn't understand me' thing either.

Does anybody actually say it when they're not at Pinewood or Elstree?

Maybe there is a 'type' of person who cheats. People who are very needy?

OK, susbtitute 'my wife doesn't give me BJs' or 'my wife is getting fat' for 'my wife doesn't understand me'. The principle is the same.

I'd always said I wouldn't leave my wife. The children were more important. OW was upset when I told her I was ending it, but understood how important my kids were to me.

Incidentally, telling an OW you weren't getting sex to get a sympathy shag or something? Eww. OW knew I wasn't happy, and had seen me with my kids and thought I was fun.

To answer directly your question, not I don't think cheating is OK, but neither do I think it is fair that on marriage ending many men lose their children.

My view my be blinkered by my own experiences, but I have seen over and over and over again, children dragged into the issues between their parents, and to a degree, the older the child, the more embroiled they become, as they are spousified by the RP.

Men do actually love their children, and I genuinely believe many men do not want to leave them behind.

Personally speaking, having seen what happened to my own husband, I can see that for a decent man, then end of a marriage can mean the end of life as you know it, no children, no home, no foreseeable way of getting one big enough to home your children and yourself.

And his story is sadly far from unique, in our case, she had an affair for 2 years (emotional/physical no-one knows), he met me (sort of as we had known each other for a long time), there were other factors that came into play, that made him see his children were being damaged by him staying (he should have seen that long before he did but there was an event not involving me that catalysed it all).

He moved out, into a 1 bedroomed flat (heavily subsidised by a friend as he was effectively homeless) - then we started a "relationship", then after time he moved in with me. I was the catalyst for him leaving, but not the cause of the breakdown of his marriage.

But I don't think her affair was the cause of the marital breakdown either, their marriage was over long before that, they weren't actually speaking when they got married, it was an attempt to "fix" an already broken relationship.

Its very, very sad, and they would have been better off parting long before they did. The children have been held hostage to the hostility their mother holds for their father and are badly damaged, this goes on into adulthood.

I don't know what the answer is, but I am sure of one thing, DHs ex had no respect for him, and by the time he left, he was so immune to everything, he couldnt care less what she did, although that cant have always been the case as he found out about her affair by following her one night.

And in this toxic environment, were 3 children.

I think btw many overlap affairs start off between people who already know each other, btw, so feelings develop before sex does. I doubt anyone actually says "my wife doesnt understand/shag me", there are more complexities to most affairs than that.

"My understanding was that we both agreed that as a small child DD needed attention and I never ignored my H - he just became more distant and less affectionate as his affair got deeper - he never spoke to me about being unhappy or feeling as though he didn't get enough attention

I think this is sort of thing that OP is talking about."

Precisely. Marriages that aren't 'bad' just a bit tired and in need of TLC but no-one has the energy to do anything about it. Ironically DH's 'fling' (I am refusing to call it an affair anymore as that gives it and her much more importance than I want to) has given us the energy to do something about it. Both of us.

OP, back to your question:
Yes, married men tell the OWs the same thing and lots of silly women out there who lap it up. There are apparently lots of misunderstood men, living in loveless marriages, tied for the moment to shrieking harpies, staying for the sake of the children out there (and incidentally men who are gay or bi and involved in M2M sex/relationships have their own particular brand of poop for their partners too and discuss it on fora dedicated to advising men how to go about remaining married while having a gay sex life on the side.)

Alternatively, the wife may be so sensitive that any attempt to bring up marital difficulties will result in her collapsing in a heap, wife needs careful handling, H is at the end of his rope trying to deal with the moods, blah blah...

A lot of women have been gobsmacked to learn all the stuff they were doing wrong after an affair was discovered, from paying too much attention to children, to sleeping after shiftwork or nights spent up feeding babies (gasp) it's all ex post facto justification for the affair, and of course not one word is mentioned about what the cheater didn't do to share the load, or communicate to the wife how he felt, or try to ask her how she was feeling about everything a lot of people are very wrapped up in themselves and immature and selfish and thus is it usually something the spouse has done to poor diddums that has caused the cheating.