Do most married men tell the same stories to the OW?

[Ormiriathomimus]

I am still in the stage of obsessively googling and reading about affairs since the discovery of DH's affair. It will pass but at the moment it's like peeling a scab Painful but satisfying.

I have found some OW forums - and once i managed to stop frothing at the mouth at some of the things I read, I realised that most of them had been told 'my wife doesn't understand me/want sex/love me/ talk to me' etc etc and 'I'm only staying because I don't want to hurt her/hurt my kids' blah blah de blah! And what is more so many of the posters appeared to have swallowed the stories hook, line and sinker.

This has the knock on effect of making the OW angry and frustrated when the man chooses to go back to/not leave his wife - why would he when shes so fat/stupid/bad-tempered etc and I'm so much better?

Are there really so many unsatisfactory, hopeless marriages out there and awful wives? IME there aren't. There are marriages (most of them) that aren't perfect, but most of them have very happy times too. I only know of one without any saving graces (and she's scared to leave).

In which case why do so many OW fall for it?

I think that quote is mistyped?? I read it as happy, faithful partner?

OMC I didn't suggest you should work harder, I said 'work on your marriage or leave'.

You cheated. You seem to think you can justify that by saying that if you'd left the marriage you would have lost your children. But in the end you did leave the marriage and you did not lose your children. So you could have left before you cheated.

You made a mistake, so what, lots of people do. You should have separated instead of cheating but you didn't because at the time you didn't think you could.

My point is that people are trying to justify cheating and say it's ok under certain circumstances. I disagree with that.

mysterious I dont think people in successful marriages have affairs, I think that the marriage is usually already broken before an affair is even considered

I would totally agree with this. Which is why I believe the couple should separate rather than cheat.

air To me cheating is just about you. Not your children or your family

I would totally agree with this too.

However, people who cheat do not think they need to be honest with their loved ones, so they are hardly going to be honest with strangers on the internet are they.

countingto10 Wed 22-Aug-12 11:59:55
It sounds to me that Onemorechap is still demonising his exw to justify his affair

I wonder if you can possibly point out where I have attempted to justify an affair? I had one, true. I was unhappy. I left my wife.
Later, she found out I'd had an affair.

There are very strange dynamics that gone on when an affair is happening and it is only looking back when the affair goggles have been removed and with a cold hard look at himself (and a lot of it was very hard to look at) that DH could admit to what was truly going on. Yes our marriage had it's problems but it is never ok to look outside a marriage to solve problems in it.

And your point is?

You sound very angry and bitter Onemorechap, maybe some counselling maybe in order........

Snide.
Bitter? Yes, of course. She tried to stop me seeing my children. Repeatedly.

Family court and solicitors letters to resolve. She lied to the children repeatedly about me (Daddy said in his letter he doesn't love you anymore - easily solved - send the letters unopened and let them see what I'd said).

She lied about her money (she was the partner who'd hoarded and got the secret stash )over £50k in the end vanished. My end? £9k debts of the marriage. She then took me to court for ancillary relief, and ended up having to pay me about £6k.

She wouldn't let the children come to stay in any of her clothes (I had to buy full sets of clothing for the times I got them, fine). When I got a weeks holiday I could never get Saturday-Saturday - it would always be Sunday morning to Saturday night to screw the bookings.

Sometimes, on hear it's pile on the bastard men... and there are a lot of nasty women out there too - and some pretty inoffensive blokes.

She calls it The Prevention Myth - ie if only I'd been more beautiful, more enthusiastic about sex, more caring, he'd never have strayed! But it doesn't matter in many cases. Affairs happen because of opportunity and what is in the unfaithful partners head - not what is in the marriage.

onemorechap, I have seen many a child used as a weapon like this, its why I have more sympathy than the next person for those who fear losing their children.

can you check the quote, because it doesnt make sense as it stands??

Ormiriathomimus Wed 22-Aug-12 12:12:57
Affairs happen because of opportunity and what is in the unfaithful partners head

that bit I'd actually agree with.
I felt unloved, unattractive and sordid. Having the affair made me realise that wasn't the case.

- not what is in the marriage. No, sometimes what is in the marriage has screwed with the unfaithful partner's head.

It wasn't a quote - it was me mistyping!

I meant to say "I've been reading 'Not just Friends' by Shirley Glass and according to her stats the majority of affairs happen in marriages that the unfaithful partner sees as happy.

IE - they aren't unhappy in their marriages but they still cheat.

of course that isn't always the case.

I think that even if onemorechaps wife didn't actually know about the affair, she will have witnessed the element of distain he must have had for her in order to do something so hurtful

sex often wanes in between young children, but its not all or nothing there are other ways to show each other togetherness and intimacy in that time - these are the things that enable you to pick up where you left off sex wise later on, it is not a strike against your exW OMC - the children were tiny!

You cannot claim to be doing the right thing, you do not need to line someone else up before leaving. It makes no difference to that that you are still together - if it was so pure and true she would have waited till you left to get intimate. People who overlap partners are invariably shite partners to the new one too, I wouldn't want to be with anyone who didn't have a gap in between as I wouldn't want that element of getting together because it is easier and more convieneint to hop from one womans house to another than to go and be yourself for a bit!

one more chap just bared his soul, and you lot just pissed on him for being honest.
shame on you.
we know you are bitter, but if a marriage has to end, it will for one reason or another.
"just divorce and move on"- then you would be on a divorce thread, complaining about "he shouldn't of married me if he was gong to divorce"

"I felt unloved, unattractive and sordid. Having the affair made me realise that wasn't the case."

if you are that dependant on other people's afirmations then you're not really a catch to anyone TBH, you had young children early in a marriage, obviously your ex wasn't able to invest as much flattery into you as you feel you need! what on earth did you expect?
IMO it could have been any woman, had your current partner had 2 close together and been somewhat unavailable emotionally to you at times due to having to invest some of it in the babies - you'ld be just as nasty about her!

a good partner doesn't turn cold for no reason! do you REALLY believe that she planned to turn cold once you married and had babies???

"I felt unloved, unattractive and sordid" is more or less how you feel when you find your spouse, that you love and care for, is having an affair

FWIW OMC - I can see why you did what you did and I sympathise with the dilemma. But I don't think most people are married to such selfish people as your ex-w.

Affairs happen because of opportunity and what is in the unfaithful partners head - not what is in the marriage

I can see this is entirely possible and probable because, as we all seem to agree, the cheating is all about 'the cheater' as an individual - their wants, needs, feelings, thoughts, etc. and not so much about the cheated on partner.

In a strong relationship I think a couple would have already discussed these boundaries and their opinions. I know that dh and I have and that we discuss all sorts of things about our lives, future, hopes, dreams, disappointments, fears, etc. I know exactly where I stand with him and he does with me.

Maybe if you don't have that kind of relationship it's easier to disregard your partner's feelings?

There is no way on earth I could cheat on my dh without being totally aware, every step of the way, how hurt and devastated he would be. It would be right at the front of my mind.

Lacking OMC has admitted that he should have left his wife but he was in an abusive relationship and was not able to do that at the time. It wasn't until after the affair that he felt confident enough to end his marriage.

and its not because you're a man OMC - its because you're an overlapper - they're all the same! male or female! If they were such great company for their partners then they wouldn't be so scared of being in their own company for a bit hmm!

Anecdotally, I havent seen anyone in what they would consider a happy marriage, have an affair, as I am a fossil most of my friends are on their second marriages, and a lot happier than they were in their first, in part because they got together far too young and in part because a bad experience makes you more appreciative of what you have.

I dont think I have seen a marriage end where there hasn't been an OM/OW involved (equally).

I have seen children used dreadfully, within and without marriages, I think there is a genuine (and well founded) fear amongst mean of losing their children.

The world isn't black and white, it is shades of grey.

Fairenuff where does it say she was abusive? it says she went off sex and went cold on him! I think that's pretty understandable given his posts!

and as it happens I know more female overlappers than male

they always use the fact that they are still with their recent overlap to justify it! its okay because it's lasted so far well of COURSE your still with your current overlap, because you'll never not be with one! if you end it with this one you'll have someone else lined up

and its never their fault they HAD to overlap - their ex was a meaney and their new partner offered them a bright new life!! like they had NO CHOICE in the matter whatsoever

LackingNameChangeInspiration Wed 22-Aug-12 12:26:52
"I felt unloved, unattractive and sordid. Having the affair made me realise that wasn't the case."

if you are that dependant on other people's afirmations then you're not really a catch to anyone TBH, you had young children early in a marriage, obviously your ex wasn't able to invest as much flattery into you as you feel you need! what on earth did you expect?

Oh FFS learn to read.
I was just as heavily invested in the child care as my XW. My 2 children weren't early in the marriage.

Do you say this to women who say "I fell unattractive and unloved; he doesn't pay attention to me?" No. You don't.

IMO it could have been any woman, had your current partner had 2 close together and been somewhat unavailable emotionally to you at times due to having to invest some of it in the babies - you'ld be just as nasty about her!

Somewhat? You're having a giraffe. "2 years" isn't that close togetherl "at times" not the case either.

a good partner doesn't turn cold for no reason! do you REALLY believe that she planned to turn cold once you married and had babies???

No, I believe she wanted to be married to spite her parents [I've said elsewhere I think I was rebound guy]; she changed after marriage.

truth is their current overlaps are rearely the wonderful perfect partners they paint them to be, they were just available and willing at the time an overlap was required! coulda been anyone really

"Do you say this to women who say "I fell unattractive and unloved; he doesn't pay attention to me?" No. You don't"

I have exactly the same opinion of female overlappers as I have of you, so I'm afraid that that card was a dud OMC

2 babies in 2 years is a close gap and is bound to affect your sex life!

"I was just as heavily invested in the child care as my XW. " - so? what does that have to do with it?

I am about to have dc3 in 5 years, I havent withdrawn emotionally from my husband, it isnt a given that that has to happen.

DHs ex was dreadfully abusive, she used to bring the OM into their home, no-one is sure if she had an emotional affair or a physical one, but she was with OM for 2 years while DH was scared to leave for (as it turned out justifiable) fear of losing his DCs.

Fact is they were dreadfully unhappy together, he was a pretty poor husband, she was an emotionally abusive wife and one of them was going to have an affair, it was inevitable.

"Yeah right. You really are a horrible person"

not so horrible that I have to line up the next partner before leaving the last!

I'm not so horrible that I'm afraid to be alone with me, having space between partners makes you a better partner.

I'm growing weary.

LackingNameChangeInspiration Wed 22-Aug-12 12:40:19

For all you are a horrible person, and seem to think I'm an overlapper.
Ending an affair, moving out, getting a flat and later getting back with OW isn't what I thought overlapping would be. Presumably if I'd found some other woman that would have been better?

2 babies in 2 years is a close gap and is bound to affect your sex life!

Yes, 3 times in one weekend which results in DC2.

Remember this is all long before any affair.

"I am about to have dc3 in 5 years, I havent withdrawn emotionally from my husband, it isnt a given that that has to happen"

no me neither, but that is largely due to his reaction to dips in sex life that happens at time, we're still intimate but intimate doesnt always = sex