Do most married men tell the same stories to the OW?

[Ormiriathomimus]

I am still in the stage of obsessively googling and reading about affairs since the discovery of DH's affair. It will pass but at the moment it's like peeling a scab Painful but satisfying.

I have found some OW forums - and once i managed to stop frothing at the mouth at some of the things I read, I realised that most of them had been told 'my wife doesn't understand me/want sex/love me/ talk to me' etc etc and 'I'm only staying because I don't want to hurt her/hurt my kids' blah blah de blah! And what is more so many of the posters appeared to have swallowed the stories hook, line and sinker.

This has the knock on effect of making the OW angry and frustrated when the man chooses to go back to/not leave his wife - why would he when shes so fat/stupid/bad-tempered etc and I'm so much better?

Are there really so many unsatisfactory, hopeless marriages out there and awful wives? IME there aren't. There are marriages (most of them) that aren't perfect, but most of them have very happy times too. I only know of one without any saving graces (and she's scared to leave).

In which case why do so many OW fall for it?

I'm not disappointed to hear that, it sounds great!

Thanks :).

mysteriouslady Tue 21-Aug-12 20:04:18
Sorry meant to add - both our first Marriages were dreadful, really, really bad - gives having a loving partner an added dimension.

This. +1
We're still physically affectionate and intimate 15 years into 2nd marriage

Lack of sex in a long term relationship is not a reason to cheat though. There you go, another feeble excuse.

If you are not happy with the situation, either work on your marriage, or leave. Don't cheat on your partner and say you love them because, clearly, you don't.

I expect lots of people don't have frequent, great sex. I expect they do tell the people they cheat with that they don't sleep with their wife/husband any more and it may well be true.

But why don't they work on building intimacy back into their marriage. An affair isn't going to help their marriage. They are more likely to become emotionally distant as well as physically.

This is why so many cheaters get found out. Their partner 'has a feeling' that something's changed and starts to look for reasons. No matter how careful you are with your lying and planning, your body language will give you away.

Sometimes the partner will ignore those suspicions because they don't want to open a can of worms, any more than the cheater does. Not much of a marriage is it?

It's sad.

I don't personally think lack of sex is a reason to have an affair, but I do think it contributes to many.

It's important to work at a relationship, to not let it drift, to make time for each other, even when drowning in work and children, too many people think a marriage just "works", all on its own.

I wouldn't have an affair, I believe DH wouldn't - but if he/I see an issue developing, then we discuss it. This includes our sex life, and I am as likely to broach that as him.

However there is a school of thought that says, that men shouldn't be broaching lack of sex with their wives (its always about men), because that is seen as pressuring them.

Its difficult and a very fine line to tread, I personally think an active and healthy sex life is a very important part of a good, strong marriage. I know that that isnt a popular opinion on here sometimes.

I like the line "If you are not happy with the situation, either work on your marriage, or leave."

What the hell do you think people do? Go "Oh, I haven't had a shag this week, I'll go and have an affair"?

I can't speak for many men, but I can for me. I shared all childcare; the house jobs - and paid for it all. I went for years with out any sex, even masturbation got me derision. Of course I tried to sort the problems out. "You only want me for one thing."

So how many women on here would up sticks and leave their partner with the children, because they were unhappy. Lots of you? Thought not.

Eventually, yes, I had an affair. I found I could get - and yes, give - sexual pleasure again. I realised if it went on, I'd lose my children... I stopped the affair. After a year of "perfect man" OK, well best efforts, I was no happier; nor was XW. I left. I got a flat. A couple of months later GF moved in - yes, the OW.

OW, now DW and I are still together. Oddly, her DH (me) hasn't strayed or looked elsewhere. I wonder why? And no, it's not about sex; it's about intimacy, cuddles, respect and enjoying things together.

it's not about sex; it's about intimacy, cuddles, respect and enjoying things together.

yes - I agree.

What the hell do you think people do? Go "Oh, I haven't had a shag this week, I'll go and have an affair"?

Eventually, yes, I had an affair.

So, not after a week then but, yes, eventually. The timescale will vary from person to person. It's still blaming someone else for your cheating

Fairenuff Wed 22-Aug-12 10:57:08
So, not after a week then but, yes, eventually. The timescale will vary from person to person. It's still blaming someone else for your cheating

Climb off your high horse and look for where I blamed anyone. Saying what I did wasn't blaming.

By the way, would you leave your partner with the kids and walk out?

Its not that easy to leave your home, your life and your children, I left the FMH, I left DS for ONE WEEK, it was awful, I planned leaving for 2 years and bought my own home, I was "lucky", in that ex could afford to buy me out and give me half equity (I was entitled to about 80% and if I had stuck to letter of law and made him leave, he would have been stuck on mortgage for at least 13 years and screwed re ever owning a home again).

If the system wasn't so weighted in favour of the RP (and that is whoever remains in FMH which is usually the woman), then less men would have affairs I think, but with things the way they are at present, then affairs will continue.

As I have already said though, man or woman, an affair is usually the reason for the final break up of a marriage. Personally I think affairs happen because there are problems, obviously there are always exceptions to this, but in the majority of cases.

Its not a black and white subject at all.

I don't think there is one empirical truth when it comes to relationships, feelings. Someone might tell an OW they are unhappy, and mean it, even as they tell their wife they love her, and they mean that. If you see what I mean.

People are complicated. That's probably why things often get messed up.

OMC if you read back through everything you have said about your ex wife on this thread, you most certainly have blamed her.

By the way, would you leave your partner with the kids and walk out?

My dh and I have an agreement. It's called a marriage. We will not cheat on each other. If one of us wants to sleep with someone else we are free to do so, provided that we end the relationship first.

So if I wanted to sleep with someone else, I would end the relationship with my dh first. And if that meant him being RP and me seeing the children every other weekend and Wednesday evenings, then that is the choice I would have to make.

I would have to decide whether the new relationship was worth it.

If I was terribly unhappy in my marriage, for whatever reason, I would try everything to resolve it. When all those avenues had been exhausted and I realised that our differences were too great to reconcile, then yes I would end the marriage and we would have to agree childcare between us.

If my dh cheated on me I would end the marriage. He knows this. I would expect him to leave the family home. He knows this too.

These are the options

1. Work on your marriage
2. Leave your marriage because you are unhappy in it
3. Stay in your unhappy marriage and cheat on your partner

Option 3 does not exist for me. I am aware that it does for others but it is morally wrong. So this is why I say work on your marriage or leave.

Cheating and lying, sneaking about, hiding phones, deleting messages . . . all selfish, cowardly acts.

Being honest with your husband/wife, discussing your differences, compromising, working on your relationship or agreeing to go your separate ways, sharing intimacy, trust, love, respect, loyalty - it's really not a high horse, it's just being a decent human being.

But fairenuff - the chances are you wouldn't be reduced to every other weekend - as the mum - the chances are even if you left - you'd keep the DCs.

And actually your last post sums up the biggest problem - it does mean leaving DCs.

Yes, if a couple split then one parent will be the RP. But this will happen anyway, regardless if someone cheats.

If people are saying that it's ok to cheat because then you don't have to separate and can still live with the children, this doesn't make sense because most people who cheat get found out and then the marriage ends anyway.

If a person cheats and it remains a secret, the marriage continues but without the full emotional commitment which makes a successful marriage. So whilst the cheater gets to live with their children, they are not teaching their children about commitment and resolving difficulties, etc.

Cheating only benefits the person who cheats. And often has dire and horrible consequences for those they say they love, including their children.

No I'm not saying its ok to cheat, I am saying not wanting to lose daily contact with their DCs is a major factor in why people stay in unhappy marriages and cheat.

FWIW, I don't think people should be faced with a choice of losing their children or staying in a broken marriage, 50/50 care should be the starting point, benefits/housing systems should recognise this, then more people may leave.

However there are huge financial implications to that.

I don't actually think staying for the children works, but the stark reality of modern living for many men who leave, means that they do stay when they would really rather be elsewhere.

Once you throw children into the mix, leaving is never, ever easy, no matter what the reasons are.

without the full emotional commitment which makes a successful marriage

I think this is where we differ, I dont think people in successful marriages have affairs, I think that the marriage is usually already broken before an affair is even considered.

You leave your partner not your children. You just dont live with them. Imo i think most men who leave do more with the children than if they stayed and has an affair. The time you spend with ow is the time you are not speneding with your kids being a family.

To me cheating is just about you. Not your children or your family.

You children still speck to you because you are their dad they only have one and they forgive you if they know what you did but do they respect you for the way you did it no.

Would i leave dh with the kids and move out. Hell yes. You may think you helped with the children or houses work but did you do all of it? I think your xwife would say no. I dont think my dh knows how hard it is to look after two young children and a house 24/7 and 365 days per year.

To think you understand cos you had the kids for 24 hours ever other weekend is a joke.

Fairenuff Wed 22-Aug-12 11:48:23
Yes, if a couple split then one parent will be the RP. But this will happen anyway, regardless if someone cheats.

Indeed. And however it ends, nearly always it is the man who loses most access to the children.

If people are saying that it's ok to cheat because then you don't have to separate and can still live with the children, this doesn't make sense because most people who cheat get found out and then the marriage ends anyway.

I don't know how you'd know most people get found out; its only the ones who get found out - or who admit it, like me - who you know about.

As mysteriouslady says an affair is usually the reason for the final break up of a marriage. Personally I think affairs happen because there are problems, obviously there are always exceptions to this, but in the majority of cases.

I left because after the affair - which I had ended - I realised how truly unhappy I was, and had been. For years.

I think you're extremely arrogant to suggest I should have worked harder at my marriage. I hope your partner never treats you the way I was treated.

It sounds to me that Onemorechap is still demonising his exw to justify his affair - my DH turned me into the devil incarnate to justify his affair. He fully admits this now but that only came about with the benefit of counselling etc and it would not have happened if he was still with OW.

There are very strange dynamics that gone on when an affair is happening and it is only looking back when the affair goggles have been removed and with a cold hard look at himself (and a lot of it was very hard to look at) that DH could admit to what was truly going on. Yes our marriage had it's problems but it is never ok to look outside a marriage to solve problems in it.

You sound very angry and bitter Onemorechap, maybe some counselling maybe in order........

Btw my DH's affair was nothing to do with me and our marriage - it was to do with him, his issues, his anger, his self esteem issues, his arrogance, selfishness, his self entitlement, his dysfunctional childhood, both of our parent's modelling of marriage etc.

And he told OW everything she wanted to here, anything that painted him in a good light (though why she thought a married man with 4dcs embarking on an affair was a good man I don't know) and as he came to realise, she was no real friend to him by helping him end his marriage and leave his dc. But I think most times in these situations, the biggest lies we say are to ourselves to make it all ok in our heads.

Have you looked at it from ur xw pov?

When you was out shagging around she was taking care of your children and the house on her own. How was that helping her?

You paid for it all. Did she no earn financial help by giving birth looking after your children and cleaning your house and washing your cloths and cooking dinner?

anairofhope Wed 22-Aug-12 11:56:48
You leave your partner not your children. You just dont live with them. Imo i think most men who leave do more with the children than if they stayed and has an affair. The time you spend with ow is the time you are not speneding with your kids being a family.

My XW worked shifts. I had the kids just as much as she did; this isn't some nicey-nicey easy case where some poor SAHM was exploted by a vicious man.

I did all the night feeds for DC1, and most for DC2

To me cheating is just about you. Not your children or your family.
And? Did I say differently? I was unhappy. I cheated. I realised how unhappy I was - after years of abuse - and left.

You children still speck to you because you are their dad they only have one and they forgive you if they know what you did but do they respect you for the way you did it no.

You know nothing about my children, and you could well ask if they respect their mother. No; they don't. They actually spend more time with me, because their mum is still an umreasonable cow,

Would i leave dh with the kids and move out. Hell yes. You may think you helped with the children or houses work but did you do all of it? I think your xwife would say no. I dont think my dh knows how hard it is to look after two young children and a house 24/7 and 365 days per year.

Well, in that case your dh is a prick and you're an enabler.

To think you understand cos you had the kids for 24 hours ever other weekend is a joke.

If I thought you'd actually read what I'd said, I'd think you a fool. As it is, I doubt your reading comprehension. We both worked; we both cared for our children. The reason I put up with the abuse for so long was I loved being with my children all the time.

"I think this is where we differ, I dont think people in successful marriages have affairs, I think that the marriage is usually already broken before an affair is even considered. "

The evidence is against that mysterious. I've been reading 'Not just Friends' by Shirley Glass and according to her stats the majority of affairs happen in marriages that the happy unfaithful partner sees as happy. I know there are always different stats you could look at but I don't think it's right to say that most marriages where infidelity happens are poor marriages. It is opportunity and the state of mind of the unfaithful partner that are the key.

majority of affairs happen in marriages that the happy unfaithful partner sees as happy

But all that says is one person is happy with the status quo?? It doesn't mean anything about the state of the marriage.

But if it's the unfaitful partner who perceives the marriage as happy why is he/she having an affair?