I used to think affairs were always wrong - in all circumstances. In recent years, though I have come to believe that this issue is not as black and white as I used to think.
One of the reasons for this change of opinion was finding out about my DM's affair. She is a care worker, and is regularly told by people that she is the nicest, kindest person they have ever met, and she deserves these accolades in my opinion. She has been a fantastic mum to me and my siblings and has done her absolute best to be a good wife for the 40 years or so she has been married.
My Dad is honest, hard working and has always pulled his weight around the house. He is always there for us if we need him and is a good father. But he is just socially inept on many levels. He doesn't seem to be capable of showing an interest in anyone else's thoughts or opinions. He monologues rather than converses and will rarely ask my DM anything or make any attempts to start a conversation. To be fair, he will ask how she is if he knows she has been ill and is genuinely sympathetic and does more to help to let her rest. He will also ask if one of our grandparents are ill and again will offer to help. In many ways he is a good man. But I think she feels having a conversation with him is like wading through treacle. He never tries to engage her, or has any interest in what she thinks about anything not directly related to the family. He never asks her how her day at work went or if she enjoyed lunch with the friend she was meeting. She always makes an effort to take an interest in his life and what is going on with his colleagues and friends but he will sometimes monologue for up to an hour in response to a single question. She will volunteer opinions to feel that she has some part in the exchange but he never asks even if she doesn't volunteer anything.
I know that she has talked to him about this problem until she is blue in the face. She says he looks very uncomfortable, and then mutters about changing but never does. I don't know if they have considered therapy although I imagine until quite recently it wasn't really on peoples radars in the same way that it is today. She said she sought out an affair initially because she realised my DF would never change and just wanted someone to listen to her and show an interest in her as a person. And it then developed. She will not use "change or I leave" as an ultimatum because she will never leave. He is a good Dad and the marriage is a genuine partnership in many ways (he has earned enough for her to have had career breaks with each of us children).
If they weren't my parents, I'd probably say get a divorce, the kids will survive (we are all adults any way), but in all honesty, I'd be devastated if my parents split up. I'd understand, but having to watch them go through the separation and then dating and rejection and not ultimately knowing if they'd end up alone would be hard, and they do at least look after each other in some ways. And I'd hate to adjust to having a stranger in my "home" and not feel 100% comfortable (ie a new step parent). I haven't said this to my DM (who knows I know about the affair) but I think she values the family unit and so do I. I also think she has done so much for others in her life that she deserves some happiness for herself.
I have no idea why my DF is such a good person in many ways but is incapable of changing something so hurtful to my DM. I sometimes wonder if it might be mild autism/aspergers as I know these people can have trouble relating to others. I'm sure people will say he is selfish and maybe they are right, but he has been pretty selfless in many other ways and I do love him.
I hope I'm never in this type of marriage, and will do everything in my power to pick someone who is socially better, but if I do end up in a similar position with kids, I have to say I would no longer rule out an affair. Am I awful?