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Original poster

Do most married men tell the same stories to the OW?

321 replies

Ormiriathomimus · 20/08/2012 14:33

I am still in the stage of obsessively googling and reading about affairs since the discovery of DH's affair. It will pass but at the moment it's like peeling a scab Grin Painful but satisfying.

I have found some OW forums - and once i managed to stop frothing at the mouth at some of the things I read, I realised that most of them had been told 'my wife doesn't understand me/want sex/love me/ talk to me' etc etc and 'I'm only staying because I don't want to hurt her/hurt my kids' blah blah de blah! And what is more so many of the posters appeared to have swallowed the stories hook, line and sinker.

This has the knock on effect of making the OW angry and frustrated when the man chooses to go back to/not leave his wife - why would he when shes so fat/stupid/bad-tempered etc and I'm so much better?

Are there really so many unsatisfactory, hopeless marriages out there and awful wives? IME there aren't. There are marriages (most of them) that aren't perfect, but most of them have very happy times too. I only know of one without any saving graces (and she's scared to leave).

In which case why do so many OW fall for it?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 20/08/2012 21:23

Does your dh know Chicka?

TurnipCake · 20/08/2012 21:23

Sums up my thoughts, aurynne it's what my ex did to me

We weren't married, but he cheated. I'm fairly certain if he hasn't already got someone else, he will have by the end of next month. There was definite 'overlap' between me and the other person he had designs on, which explains why he left me at the drop of the hat with such ease. After we got together (December) I found out that he had come out of a relationship that October. Some people just can't be alone.

ChickaChicka · 20/08/2012 21:31

no he doesnt know Fairenuff

ChickaChicka · 20/08/2012 21:34

OM Probably has said the same lines such as "I love you" and all that rubbish. But i know he has said to many other women and his wife. It means that right at this moment in time i love you (later when im sleeping with my wife, I will be loving her!!

Fairenuff · 20/08/2012 21:37

Well if he doesn't know and you are cheating on him, how can you say you love him? Confused

panicnotanymore · 20/08/2012 21:39

chicka are you prepared for the fact that despite your saying you love your dh and would never leave him for OM, he may pull the rug from under you and leave you when he finds out?

He probably will. Most of us do. If I hadn't discovered I was pregnant I wouldn't have agreed to try again, and as it is I haven't stopped my divorce, just put it on ice.

AllYoursBabooshka · 20/08/2012 21:41

Why do you keep the affair going Chicka?

ChickaChicka · 20/08/2012 21:46

i love my DH because i cant imagine being with someone else and being me. Also i put up with all of DH's faults, which are numerous.
Also because he is my soulmate.

He would never find out because i dont see OM for months on end and dont do anything which would make him suspicious.

Ive gone through all that guilt of why can i not be happy just being with DH and not seeing anyone else. I spent a year being so depressed when meeting other couples and seeing them be really happy with just the two of them.

In the end i have decided i just crave attention.

Fairenuff · 20/08/2012 21:49

Ah I see. To you, 'love' is all about how you feel.

When you really love someone, their feelings are just as important as your own. You treat them the way you would like them to treat you. I just think you have probably never experienced that.

ChickaChicka · 20/08/2012 21:59

I treat DH very well.
What he doesnt know wont harm him. so i treat him the way i would expect to be treated. Ive said to him numerous times if he slept with someone dont tell me. And dont make it obvious.

Its very easy to say to someone that you shouldnt cheat etc etc but outsiders dont always know what goes on in a relationship.

Like the other person who started a threat about her husband being submissive. sometimes you love someone but there is something lacking. Which cannot be fixed.

mysteriouslady · 20/08/2012 22:00

Why do so many men think that leaving their wife means leaving their kids too? It is possible to separate and still have contact, as you have done OneMoreChap.

Because it happens over and over again and when they get to teens - contact with the NRP is what tends to drop off in favour of mates and socialising. It lessens for RP - but it's still daily.

Many women do believe someone who has left them has also left their children - it's almost impossible these days to come off a mortgage.

Benefits systems/HAs/Councils do not recognise the need for a child to have a room in 2 homes.

Until there are massive changes I think people will always have affairs before they leave a marriage - and that's both men and women - of all the couples I know who have split up (plenty) - there has been an OM/OW involved in every case - regardless of whether the breakup is husband/wife initiated.

Difference I find (just from my own experience) is that because women tend to keep FMH - they don't live with OM (who usually already has his own home), whereas men do move in with OW a lot quicker.

My female friends have been more happy to maintain the status quo - but then they are in the home and have more reason to.

ChickaChicka · 20/08/2012 22:09

I saw a Dad meeting up with his 2 boys for lunch. It appeared he was sepearted from the wife.

The children didnt talk much. They asked the dad if he was goin to see the mum at the weekend instead of going drinking with mates. The dad looked really annoyed at that question. He looked as if had a OW, as he kept on messaging someone, generally very comfortable as if he was sorted in life.

It is sad when families break up and that was a very stark reminder of how children can be effected.

I know, rich coming from me!!!

AllYoursBabooshka · 20/08/2012 22:10

Do you have children Chicka?

Fairenuff · 20/08/2012 22:14

Ive said to him numerous times if he slept with someone dont tell me. And dont make it obvious

If you're giving him permission to sleep with other women then that's a 'open' relationship, which is fine if you're both happy with that. That's not the same as cheating when you know your partner would be very hurt and angry about it.

ChickaChicka · 20/08/2012 22:19

yes, 2 under 5.

Yes, it could me my children one day affected like that .

If i think about it, DH finds out, DH leaves me, OM probably get annoyed at me relying on him constantly emotionally which is not good as he has a family himself. And neediness is not an attractive characteristic

So in the end I would be the one losing out.

That is true for most OW i think. They would lose out, have no one in their life.

That is why I do not see OM frequently. I dont want to throw my life away for a cheap thrill. The less contact the better. And before you know, jobs, children come in the way and you cant see them so you drift apart.

Thats why it is easier for men to shag their way round continents.

sometimes it depends on how women are bought up. They see men as having needs that have to be satisfied and so they know men would say anything to get a shag. And the women may not actually believe all the crap they come out wiht, esp if they are after some fun themselves

ChickaChicka · 20/08/2012 22:21

Ive given him that option but he hasnt used it...yet!!

Its not open! Cant see any relationship where the man says its ok for wife to sleep around, even if its one only!

mysteriouslady · 20/08/2012 22:23

I'd never forgive my husband so much as a drunken kiss.

Same the other way around - but then as far as I am aware we love each other deeply and respect and care for each others feelings.

mysteriouslady · 20/08/2012 22:24

chika I'm not going to judge - but you are taking a he'll of a risk for a cheap thrill.

Fairenuff · 20/08/2012 22:31

Ive given him that option but he hasnt used it...yet!!

But Chicka how would you know? You told him if he sleeps with other women you don't want him to tell you. He's to keep it a secret and cover up well. The same way that you are conducting your affair. Those are the 'rules' so in a way, it is an open relationship, you just don't tell each other about the cheating.

Concentrateonthegood · 20/08/2012 22:34

I'm going to confess up. I had an affair with a married man. Very bad judgement on my part, not proud of my actions and I know fine well I did very wrong. What I can say about him was he told me he loved his wife to bits, would do nothing to de-stabilise their life and what happened between us was short-lived and guilt fuelled on both our parts. He never said a bad word about his wife apart from she used to moan about the housework he did wasn't good enough!

To be very honest, this was never about sex but a friendship that got out of hand. Two people that should have had the moral strength to never cross that line. Two people that would have shocked their family and friends to the core because for both of us this was so out of character. Two people that shocked themselves with their actions.

I called a halt to it and I still have the ocassional friendly email from him but we will never meet again as it would be very wrong and we both accept that.

He didn't follow the usual script.

ChickaChicka · 20/08/2012 22:37

Fairenuff i would know if he is cheating. He cant keep a straight face when he lies. He comes straight home after work. He doesnt take a lunch break so isnt seeing anyone then.

If he did, he would blurt it out as he is not good at secrets!

mysteriouslady- i was called that at school!!
The problem with cheap thrills is after a few years, you do develop feelings for each other. I just cant get myslef to tell him that i dont want to see you. As that would hurt him a lot. I suppose i could tell him that DH knows so i cant see you, but it would creat a problem in the future, with trying to keep up with so many lies.

fiventhree · 20/08/2012 22:37

Sheesh.

OMC was doing his wife and kids a favour, in the end, he says, and doing the right thing. Maybe he was!

IME, too, you dont have trust issues if your h isnt cheating, unless he is manipulative and a liar in other ways, and you know that.

I wasnt untrusting for the first 15 years of my marriage and like a right pillock I wasnt after he started the OW game for most of the 6 years after that, either

You can only win or lose an argument with a fair player. A liar and a sneak isnt fair. Because they are self righteous and unfair, and selfish pricks.

Of course, some men have the guts to admit that, when confronted, or even offer it. They take responsibility for themselves. Others are even smarter, and dont get into the cheating game (though they may not stay in their marriages, if their spouses are not reasonable).

Others sneak around until they have a better option, as they see it.

Because they are cowards, and selfish.

Some poor sods never even recognise this as they age.

They are the saddest.

AllYoursBabooshka · 20/08/2012 22:37

Chicka you have zero respect for you DH.

If you want to see other people you should at least give him the option to see if that's something he wants to be part of and if not allow him to go find someone who is happy with monogamy.

It doesn't matter if you see OM every night or once every 10 years, it doesn't make it less dangerous or wrong.

I will judge you, just like I judged OMC simply because if DH treated me like that it would devastate me.

This situation is a house of cards and it could fall apart any second, your children deserve a lot more stability but you are potentially sacrificing this in favor of your libido.

fiventhree · 20/08/2012 22:40

And some get lucky, because they happen to match well with the next person along (because there is no right person for any of us).

Who either likes them as they are, or puts up with them. Or because they have good boundaries, and they dont give the cheater a chance to fuck them around.

Fairenuff · 20/08/2012 22:49

But he could take a day off work and not tell you. Then you would think he had gone to work. There are ways, Chicka, as you well know yourself. It takes a lot of effort to keep a secret affair going. If only that effort could be put into the marriage, maybe the desire to cheat would go away.

You are the only one who really knows why you do it. One thing is for certain though, as someone upthread said. Cheating is all about 'me, me, me', what I want, how I feel. Some people just refuse to accept that there is anything wrong with this.

A marriage should be a partnership. With mutual love, trust and respect. The 'me, me, me' attitude is never going to work in any marriage. It makes the marriage a sham, imo.