His mother should've swallowed

[LouP19]

Is this title too rude?!!!

I appreciate everyone warning caution. Trust me, I'm using this place to rant and rave and swear and all that,... at the moment I haven't done anything. And even if I do manage to locate him (with some first class help!) I might not necessarily do anything with that information just yet. But I would just like to know, that's all, instead of driving round looking for his car all the time,.... Just this knowledge will make me feel a bit more empowered.

All advice on here is very helpful - the calm, the practical, the hysterical, the funny, the 'been there done that', it's all amazing and I value all of it.

Delurking to say I think you're awesome.
also, have you noticed that on the mumsnet welcome page there is a highlighted article on how to make jam and chutney? Bit of support from MNHQ for you perhaps? :)

Hi Lou. I am aware that time is critical for you so you may not want to change your scan. Just advise the hospital that you ate separated and you do not want him present. Your medical state is confidential and he is not entitled to know anything.

You know that if he attends he could put pressure on you. This is your body, your life, your decision. If you wish to continue then he has to accept that or if you don't then it has to be your decision with no pressure from him.

I'm glad your old solicitor is going out of her way to help you find a great new one.

I for one will still be around come the autumn. MN has been a great help to me and it's nice to be able to support others in return.

I'm nearly five months on from STBXH walking out and feel so much stronger now. It will happen to you too in time.

at this stage until I have made a decision regarding the pregnancy, it has nothing to do with you

no no no ! This will give him hope that Lou still hasn't decided what to do and he will use the opportunity to try and get involved.

Lou, I advise a text message of this nature

*Do not contact me again, directly or indirectly. All contact must be made through my solicitors xxx. Any contact that you make will be considered as harassment and I will report it to the police".

This covers the defence "I didn't realise it was harassing her" and is what we put on our "harassment warning letters" after what's termed a first course of conduct.
The indirectly covers him sending you messages on facebook etc. It's fairly standard on non-contact conditions and covers all eventualities. Then he is in absolutely no doubt that you do not want him to contact you in any way, shape or form other than via the solicitor.

If you ask me, he is asking to be there to see with his OWN eyes that you are pregnant. A little bit of him doesn't believe you. Twat.

Well he has no legal (or moral) right to come it is a medical procedure for you.

If you are feeling bitchy then text him telling him to go look at the scans he deceived you to go to just a few short weeks ago.

Get the lock changed and have a great day as the solicitor has called nice and early.

Thread title is horrible personally.

Sorry but I misread MariaCallous's post as "camp chutney bucket" (no comma). My keyboard now has tea on it

New name to save his number as on your phone perhaps?

Agreed Nigel - your suggestion is much better. He's just such a wanker - I don't know how you are able to think straight Lou - just reading about Chutney makes me cross-eyed with rage - you are awesome!

Atosilis - that idea had occurred to me too - grrrrr!

He knows about the scan date because I told him last week,..... when he rang up to say OW was pregnant. So I suspect he didn't read that particular letter (which was under the coffee table).

I'm going with a friend and there is no way he will turn up. Trust me, everything he has done so far is so exceptionally cowardly, I just don't think he'll do it. But if there's any whiff of suspicion I will alert the hospital before I go there.

Re: him wanting to come. I suspect he might not believe me (given that I thought I had a chemical pregnancy) OR he's hoping it's not viable. I think those are the real reasons. It's not because he wants to support me. Anyway, I have ignored him. And by the size of my boobs at the moment I am still very much pregnant. They're ridiculous.

Locks being done first thing tomorrow morning.

Good!

Keep going Lou you sound so strong.

I can't believe how manipulative this sorry excuse for a man is being. It seems to me that he is asking to go to the scan do that he can say to his family and solicitor that he is supporting you. It also screams that he is wanting to keep control too. I would change time of scan, let him know all contact through solicitor then keep up the radio silence.

His nastiness in stripping the house and getting his family on-side seems to be aimed at making you hate him and thus want nothing to do with him. I presume he is hoping you will terminate in your desire to have no part of him.

I mean it's good he didn't read that letter, good that your friend will go with you, good that you don't think he'll turn up, good about the locks, good that you have ignored him.

another delurker here, totally amazed at your courage & cool & wit, Lou

just wanted to say that even though you think at this point there's no chance he'll turn up, it would be a good idea to ask the hospital to put a warning notice about him on the front of your notes, so he can't eg ring up for information about you

I have no idea whether hospitals ever give out information to men who are, or claim to be, fathers, but just to be on the safe side...

Agree with Nigel

Another perspective.. He may want to come to the scan to play doting father-to-be to further his box ticking exercise as Mr Reasonable To The Outside World. Or as a genuine(ly deluded) attempt to win Lou back and play happy families now reality has bitten with OW and he sees there's no future in it

Be prepared Lou, because he will come begging for you to take him and his chutneys back at some point.

Hi Lou. Phew, that took some catching up. I had to start with the last 3 pages of the Part 3 thread when I noticed someone had mentioned the bucket and sponge. I think I can't be more shocked by Chutney Twunt but then he pulls a blinder doesn't he?

I am glad you have taken the decision to have the locks changed. Face any potential 'problems' if/when they arise. It is totally unreasonable for you to have to leave your home with the fear that he may enter it at any time. How can you concentrate on work when your mind will constantly be wondering if he is in the house stripping out more marital assets? How can you constantly enter your home with trepidation, looking in every room for signs that he has been in without your consent? No, that is no way to live Lou.

As for the scan, I suggest that you do attend with your friend at the appointed time - but pre-warn the hospital that you do not want your estranged H to attend, know anything, make enquiries or receive information. Is your friend a roteiller strong enough to stand up to him and tell him to disappear if he tries to approach you? It would be better if you knew that you didn't have to defend yourself or engage with him in any way should he feel sufficiently entitled to turn up. (He has only got that information about the scan from having read your private mail.)

Yes, I'll be around in the autumn to cheer you on. You'll tell us when you no longer need the support from MNetters. Until then, we'll support you.

Good luck Mr & Mrs BabylonPI - I hope you find out what Lou needs to know to empower her in this 'mind game' that Chutney Twunt started.

Excellent news regarding the locks! I would still err on the side of caution and let the hospital know about him just in case he parks his entitled arse in the waiting room.

Seconding OhDearNigel's suggestion, which sounds sensible and comprehensive and would stop you being blindsided. It would also take an awful lot of power away from him, which he will Not Like.

Lou, I know you must have been to lots of hospital appts over the years re TTC. But don't underestimate how emotional you might get at this scan. I always thought I could cope, but when it actually came to the scans I would be an emotional mess for quite some time. I'm glad you are going with a friend so that they will look after you.

Can you ask your father to sit in the house while you're at the hospital? Just in case the twunt turns up. I know the locks will be changed but the longer he is unaware of this fact the better.

Ah.... a x-post with Lou. I forgot that you had told him about the scan. Did you tell him date, time and place? If not, he can't turn up..... unless he DID read your private letter under the coffee table.

What an overbearing cunt. How dare he zoom in and out of your life, without warning or explanation, leaving trails of destruction as he goes? (I know the answer, btw - to him, the entire world exists for him alone. It's like switching channels on TV; the others are still there for when he wants to switch again.)

Another de-lurker here Lou. I've read everything from the beginning, and as the events unfold, whilst your STBXH has become increasingly more cowardly, disturbed and arrogant, you have become stronger and more dignified. It shines through your posts.

Wishing you all the best for your scan tomorrow, and definitely suggest telling the hospital not to let him in whether you feel he will turn up or not. You don't need the hassle or the stress, first scans can be stressful enough.

Also, I need to say this - what a complete fucking arsehole. Teaspoons?!!! Really?!!

Hi Lou, Chunt really has got himself in a tailspin. Leave him there. No point in trying to second guess him, who knows what is going on in Chutneyworld. Ignore, ignore ignore.

Your priority is you, this scan is long awaited and the timing is important. Yes, he could turn up but I also think this is unlikely as apart from anything else, he would be relegated to the doors by hospital security the sidelines by the staff.

I hope it all goes well for you tomorrow x

If you want to reply with anything, ohdearnigel's suggestion is perfect. It does upgrade the whole thing to a war footing, but I guess we are heading there anyway. If no contact is easier though, leave it for now.

He can't come in to any appointment with you if you don't let him. He just can't. I do however think it's a good idea to inform the hospital of the situation so that you objecting to his presence doesn't come out of nowhere (there will be shifts and info may get lost, so just be emphatic about it and let's hope the message gets through).

Also if you continue with the pregnancy you must tell your community midwife the situation - her job is to look after your interests and will be on your side helping to keep chuntney at bay

Actually I'm going to go against the grain - I think it would make it more real to him and not some fantasy scenario in his little head - take your parents too if you say yes.