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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

His mother should've swallowed

999 replies

LouP19 · 19/08/2012 21:11

Is this title too rude?!!!

I appreciate everyone warning caution. Trust me, I'm using this place to rant and rave and swear and all that,... at the moment I haven't done anything. And even if I do manage to locate him (with some first class help!) I might not necessarily do anything with that information just yet. But I would just like to know, that's all, instead of driving round looking for his car all the time,.... Just this knowledge will make me feel a bit more empowered.

All advice on here is very helpful - the calm, the practical, the hysterical, the funny, the 'been there done that', it's all amazing and I value all of it. Smile

OP posts:
NewGirlInTown · 21/08/2012 19:19

Loving the title and it inspired me to think of other men to apply it to.

George Galloway came immediately to mind.

As you were.

cakeismysaviour · 21/08/2012 19:29

I know that they don't specialise in this type of counselling, but one of my friends contacted Mind for counselling last year and they were bloody brilliant and free.

If you rang them up and explained the urgency, they could possibly find a counsellor for you to talk to.

I am so sorry that you haven't had the best care so far.

ForeverAutumnNow · 21/08/2012 19:32

Lou, hard as it seems right now, you need to make your final decision, without any input from H. The only time his feelings/thoughts would count, would be if he was going to be there for you again, as your husband. Anything else is just going to confuse the issue for you, and bring on a lot of "what if`s", and "what might have beens". Once you have made a final decision, then feel free to blast him to hell and back!!

ShirleyKnot · 21/08/2012 19:34

Am shocked at this! Obviously, the whole thing is really shocking but I am appalled at the lack of care you are receiving Lou.

Have you had an opportunity to speak to your fertility consultant? I would have thought that with your history they would have been taking better care of you and you should really push them hard (or get someone to help you to push them!) and as for being referred back to the GP?! We're you at the hospital where you've been having your treatments or somewhere else?

You really don't need this shit.

jumpingjackhash · 21/08/2012 19:37

Hi Lou, what a tough day for you. I have no real advice beyond agreeing with the wonderful pearls of wisdom from the others here but I wanted to add my support. You're handling this entire situation so well, Chutney doesn't deserve to have someone like you in his life. Stay strong. X

Purpleknickers · 21/08/2012 19:39

Big hugs Lou. I urge you also to private counselling otherwise your choices may spin round and around in your head until you can get an NHS appt.

Although I was not in your position with pregnancy when I had counselling it really helped because you talk through out loud what your gut instinct is telling you without any pressure from somebody else being involved, the counsellor will listen , not judge and definitely not pressure you either way.

I wish you a peaceful evening Xx

OhDearNigel · 21/08/2012 19:41

Unfortunately there is very little in the way of any support available for people having abortions. I've had two, at 22 and 32, and it was really like a conveyor belt. IME what you've described is totally normal. Both times I went to the GP, said I wanted one, I got a letter giving a date, went and was discharged. Literally a medical procedure and that was it. Fortunately I had no doubts at all and have never had any regrets about either of them (the recent one was early in my relationship with DH - I get pregnant at the drop of a hat) but I can imagine that the system is absolutely rubbish if you are in a real turmoil about the decision.

picnicbasketcase · 21/08/2012 19:44

Increasingly MNetty hug to you. Hope you find the support and continued strength you need.

MushroomSoup · 21/08/2012 19:45

I'm a little late to today's get-together (sodding work) but am belatedly joining in the Mexican wave - gently, to soothe Lou after a stressful day.

mathanxiety · 21/08/2012 19:46

Mind is a great idea. Was going to suggest Rape Crisis at least for a referral.

ShirleyKnot · 21/08/2012 19:51

Oh yes OhDearNigel - the support when you're terminating is pretty shit in this country (understatement) but Lou wasn't going specifically for a termination scan in a private clinic today; and I do know that the fertility teams in the NHS are pretty good at support for those TTC who fall pregnant, that's why I'm so shocked at Lou's treatment.

You'd think that after ages TTC and then all of this awful shit that
Has gone on that there would have been better support in place.

It's disgusting.

Portofino · 21/08/2012 19:57

Did you not say you have a counselling appointment at the fertility clinc, Lou? Surely they are best placed to refer you. It's scary all the others at the hospital were teenagers! Would have made me feel old.

skyebluesapphire · 21/08/2012 20:00

Lou, sorry you didn't get much help. I second ringing BPAS or The Samaritans. They are there to talk to anybody in turmoil, not just suicidal people (which is what you tend to associate them with)and you could look at their website for more info.

In order to come to a decision you need to consider your life with and without baby. Make a list of pros and cons for each one. Writing things down can help a lot. Do not consider him in the equation, just think about yourself.

Hugs for you.

ShirleyKnot · 21/08/2012 20:02

Oh and sorry math but I don't believe that rape crisis would be appropriate.

Portofino · 21/08/2012 20:02

Rape Crisis Math? Lou was ttc with her husband. Isn't that taking resource from people who need it more?

Portofino · 21/08/2012 20:03

Sorry x posts.

FrankelSaysRelax · 21/08/2012 20:03

Lou you poor thing, I'm so sorry that you have all this to deal with.

Promise me one thing, if you do decide to meet Chutney to discuss your pregnancy, take someone with you. They don't need to say or do anything, just be there for moral support and to be your voice of reason if it all gets too much.

AgathaFusty · 21/08/2012 20:05

Lou - I can't imagine that discussing this situation with him is going to add anything helpful to your decidion making process. Rather, it will just add to the pressure you are already feeling. He only has his own best interests at heart, not yours. I don't think you owe him the chance of a discussion either, morally, since he made his decision when he left.

I would second other posters advice who have suggested speaking to the staff at the fertility clinic. They will have come across this situation before, and may be able to offer a different perspective. Either that, or pay for a private session with a counsellor, if you can afford it. Ultimately, it has to be your decision though.

You must have had a hell of a day. Look after yourself tonight.

lissielou · 21/08/2012 20:06

mathanxiety ?

Tue 21-Aug-12 19:46:31

Mind is a great idea. Was going to suggest Rape Crisis at least for a referral.

Really? That's a dreadful idea. Rape crisis is underfunded as it is, and for people who have been raped.

Lou, you have some tough decisions to make, as someone who has been through the fertility wringer, I can't imagine being in your situation, but your clinic will have a specialist counsellor who can help you. What has your cons said? I imagine they will want to see you anyway.

Portofino · 21/08/2012 20:06

Good advice Frankel. I do think that Lou needs to discuss the future with him - find out about the house, finances etc. Scary but needs doing. Hard to make decisions about a baby without knowing what is coming up.

mysteriouslady · 21/08/2012 20:06

I don't know actually - I can imagine that finding out your are pregnant by a man who has already impregnated someone else could feel very violating.

SlipperyVixen · 21/08/2012 20:08

Oh Lou my heart goes out to you right now.

I don't think the chunt cares and nothing you say will make him care.

Portofino · 21/08/2012 20:10

Mysteriouslady - that is positively insulting to anyone who has been raped!

ShirleyKnot · 21/08/2012 20:10

Of course mysterious but that doesn't make it rape.

Please let's not let this become a derailment on this thread, the support Lou has been getting has been incredible and it would be a shame for it to be derailed. Smile

juneau · 21/08/2012 20:10

God, you poor thing. My heart goes out to you - it really does. Him being there wouldn't have made it easier though. It might have made him think about what he's done - although I wouldn't put money on it - he's so astoundingly self-involved that he'd probably have sat there feeling sorry for himself rather than you Sad

With regard to the agonising decision you now have to make I think if I was in your position I would need to answer the following question, or at least to seriously consider it and the impact this issue may have on the rest of my life.

Namely: "How will I feel if I don't meet someone else in time to try for another baby? What if I get to 45 and I still haven't met anyone special? Would having a baby now in very less than ideal circumstances be better than never getting the chance to do it?"

Just because life is unpredictable and while you may meet someone wonderful in the next year or too, you also may not.

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